Dating Someone Who Is Discerning

[somethingfishy]

[url="http://seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2010/10/discern-this-drama-boy.html"]This[/url] pretty much sums up my views on the subject.

An excerpt: "I am tired of vocation-discernment homilies in which the homilist tells us of the Girl He Left Behind. One character even admitted that he dated his girlfriend all through the seminary, and then said, "Honey, I've gotta tell you this. I've decided to be a priest after all." Well, all I can say is that any guy who strings a girl along for three years is a cad. And I want to hear her side of the story. We never hear her side of the story."

[emmaberry101]

EDIT: This is the user emmaberry, I forgot to switch over from my original account-that one has a topic posting glitch.

I don't think the post is vulgar, but I could see how someone might interpret it differently than I.

When I first went to priests at my university for spiritual guidance/direction, they all told me to go party and date. I said, "But..but..but I am seriously discerning!" They just looked at me as if you were not a candidate for the religious life unless you had dated. I saw their point, but it did not feel right to date some poor guy just so I could check that off my list, especially considering the school was one where a surpirisng amount of freshmen couples went on to marry each other-ie people were not dating so much for fun as they were to find their future spouse. It was not in line with my morals on relationships to date in that situation. Others situations probably differ.

As for mothers throwing their daughters at seminarians, it is a difficult topic, especially in third world countries where mothers will literally line their young daughters outside the seminary's doors to strike up a conversation with the unsuspecting boys. The mothers know devout Catholic guys are rare and the seminary is full of them, so to speak. It definitely makes me sad for those trying to discern. We like to call those girls who actively 'go after' seminarians chalice chippers. Of course, this does not apply to girls who date or marry former seminarians. At my university, a lot of seminarians will meet a girl in a class and consequently leave the seminary and begin a relationship with that girl. As this is a very Catholic school, you know these girls are not trying to 'catch' the seminarians...it is usually a more genuinely innocent situation. I like to think that if a guy was led away fro the seminary by a random girl in a college class, thank goodness he did not become a priest! Quality over quality, I suppose. Not to say that guys who leave the seminary are not quality men-I am sure they make some of the best fauthers and spouses, as the blog suggests. Just saying that it is better to have all of the unsure guys leave BEFORE they are ordained rather than after they have become a priest, which causes scandal.

And to get back on topic (sorry OP!), thank you for posting!

Edited August 1, 2012 by emmaberry101

[TheresaThoma]

[quote name='FutureCarmeliteClaire' timestamp='1343782669' post='2460918']
I think it depends whether that person is ACTIVELY discerning the religious life, as apposed to just occasionally considered it.
[/quote]
I totally agree with this. If they are actively discerning and still want to date then that is a huge red flag. But if they mention after a few dates they have occasionally thought about becoming a priest I wouldn't necessarily dump him at that point. I would consider it him just trying to be completely honest and open.

[Tally Marx]

I've read her posts on discernment and dating before, and she has some points.
But I find her harping tone irksome, as well as her narrow focus. Sometimes the relationship existed long before "The Call" ever came. She never addresses this, even though kids often begin "dating" in junior high, long before "The Call" came for them to even [i]attempt[/i] to ignore it. And sometimes the non-discerner is the guy.

[MarysLittleFlower]

I mostly heard that those who are really discerning shouldn't date... I know that spiritual directors tend to have different views on this. It's not my intention to disagree with someone's spiritual director. But I've heard priests say the opposite as well, and since i've mostly heard this view, I wanted to post some answers to similar questions on vocation.com by Fr Anthony:

[url="http://www.vocation.com/QandAItem.aspx?id=1114&tid=186"]http://www.vocation....id=1114&tid=186[/url]
[url="http://www.vocation.com/QandAItem.aspx?id=1120&tid=186"]http://www.vocation....id=1120&tid=186[/url]
[url="http://www.vocation.com/QandAItem.aspx?id=1116&tid=186"]http://www.vocation....id=1116&tid=186[/url]
[url="http://www.vocation.com/QandAItem.aspx?id=1117&tid=186"]http://www.vocation....id=1117&tid=186[/url]
[url="http://www.vocation.com/QandAItem.aspx?id=1130&tid=186"]http://www.vocation....id=1130&tid=186[/url]
[url="http://www.vocation.com/QandAItem.aspx?id=1130&tid=186"]http://www.vocation....id=1130&tid=186[/url]
[url="http://www.vocation.com/QandAItem.aspx?id=1134&tid=186"]http://www.vocation....id=1134&tid=186[/url]

I don't know.... I have never had a boyfriend. I know that everyone's discernment is different, and for someone who has dated, of course ther'es nothing wrong if they are now discerning religious life! And maybe dating has helped someone figure out their vocation. But then there are stories like these [url="http://singdancepraiselove.wordpress.com/2012/06/15/never-been-kissed-2/"]http://singdanceprai...-been-kissed-2/[/url] I find that very beautiful personally. Dating can also be a distraction as Fr Anthony points out. There are also Saints who never had any relationships because they always felt they are called to religious/consecrated life.

Another thought I had, is that I don't really agree that there's something wrong if a guy doesn't kiss the girl, etc - I recently heard a sermon by a priest on Audio Sancto, he said that passionate kisses are actually mortally sinful for the unmarried because they incite lust. I tend to trust the priest on that, especially as he quoted a Pope. But I am not saying the author of the blog intended it to sound this way: it seems like her style is humorous and ironic a bit, maybe that's how she writes

Edited August 5, 2012 by MarysLittleFlower