Spiritual Hedonism

[filius_angelorum]

I suppose this topic could be just as easily put on the "Transmundane" thread, but I thought it would work just as well here.

So, as most of you know, I just finished my postulancy at an Oratory. I decided not to join, but I am, in fact, still here at the Oratory until my flight leaves. Yes, I know this was bad planning on my part. In my defense (A) I did not know that I would go along discerning for only TWO WEEKS before knowing that this house was probably not for me and (B) I did not know that the Fathers would move up the date for General Congregation to decide on whether or not to admit me. Either way, I am still stuck here, for the moment, excluded from the general work of the Oratory and excluded from recreation to the Fathers.

No, I don't feel "excluded", even though I used the term. I expected this to happen, and would feel awfully awkward being involved in the community right now anyways. They are being very polite, perhaps more polite than I would be at suddenly having a potential vocation turn into a 'hanger-on'.

The odd thing is that what was supposed to be hard work, grueling self-examination, and constant probation has suddenly become something of a spiritual retreat consisting of spiritual reading, serving Masses, meditation, solitude, etc. Sounds great, no?

I am about to go CRAZY!!!

The thing about all this opportunity for spiritual recollection is that it is altogether unlike retreats I have made in the past, which were structured around manual work, attending offices in choir, reading, etc. I was not simply relegating myself to a room for several days to avoid awkwardness. Moreover, I didn't come here for a retreat, but for work, and enjoying a nice retreat at the expense of a beloved Congregation seems just....indulgent. Spiritual hedonism, if you will.

All the while, I am counting the days until I leave. Can Tuesday come quicker, perhaps?

It strikes me that this is how pious laypeople slowly go a little nutty. Here I am, free to perform whatever spiritual practices I want, free to lay around in bed when I want free to check the Internet FREQUENTLY (which is not helped by the fact that I am waiting to see whether or not I have a job for the Fall), free to write in my journal and compose devotional exercises for imaginary young people back home. All the while, I am worried that I am going to become like those souls who, with a slightly off-center look in their eye, insist on doing a full prostration at every side altar, just to scratch that pious itch that won't go away.

Spirituality needs direction. It needs purpose and concrete intent. Otherwise, it is dead, or at least wounded. If the wound stays open long enough, it becomes infected with pride, self-will, fundamentalism, or worse. It chases after spiritual consolations, and when those consolations don't come, it changes practices to something more extreme or plummets into waves of depression and spiritual highs. I'm not there yet, but you know....

So I ask you to pray for me. Have you perhaps felt like you were being driven CRAZY by spiritual hedonism? We won't judge. It would at least give me something to read while I wait to GO HOME.

[beatitude]

I think you are tying yourself up in knots over nothing and perhaps looking for an excuse to castigate yourself. You're not going to be leading this lifestyle forever, you're there for a matter of days. There's no need to be dramatic over enjoying a relatively short time in an oratory that allows you more silence and solitude than you would otherwise get. Maybe you need that. Draw up a rough daily schedule for yourself and stick to it, so that you can get the most benefit out of this time. Keep it simple.

I doubt the priests see you as a 'hanger-on' either - no soul is a hanger-on. They know that not all people who try their vocations will stay and they don't turn the people who come to them out on the streets the moment they realise that the Oratorian life is not for them. You're making it sound almost as though you've failed them in a business deal and you have no right to be in their home. Christianity is not a business deal and you contribute just as much by praying for the fathers and brothers as you do through being in the formation program - and as I said, it's not as if you're going to be living in this arrangement forever.

Perhaps you are concerned that you haven't contributed as much as you hoped, or you are experiencing some sense of having 'failed'? That would explain the need to rush away, and the guilt feelings over having what amounts to a private retreat. These are things that you should perhaps talk to the fathers about.

[emmaberry]

I like what beatitude said on a practical level. On a different more emotional level, I empathize with what you are feeling. Discerning out of any community is no doubt an awkward phase, no matter how kind the community is. As you said, the kinder the group is, the more awkward it can be, because you feel undeserving of their kindness after having discerned that you will not be joining them. Like beatitude said, this is not the business world, though it can be easy to think of it as, "I have nothing to offer you anymore, and therefore I feel guilty for being your guest while I wait to leave." You are in the midst of the 'school of love,' so do not feel guilty for the hospitality and days of ease they are giving you.

That said, it sounds like you are possibly going through some spiritual warfare. Do not go home with your tail in between your legs, so to speak. You are not a failure, although the enemy would love to make you feel like you are worthless and have nothing to offer..you are better than most for having tried this rare vocation!

If it is not too awkward, I second beatitude's suggestion to talk to the Fathers. They will respect you for seeking them out, and have probably counseled a few men who have been through what you are going through now. I really have to applaud you for your humility in being so honest on a public forum. That takes guts. I am praying for your discernment and transition.

[filius_angelorum]

No, I am not humble. Heavens no. I am afraid I vented a little bit more than usual, and I hope that I did not say anything immodest in my sudden fit of expression.

I think one of the key things to understand in all of this is that "spiritual hedonism" is a real danger. It is something that can easily get out of control and turn piety into obsession or destroy the life of charity. That is a constant fear of mine.

So what is it that I am trying to express? I am simply trying to show the important help that a sense of duty brings to the spiritual life and the longing of a soul who, having once had the consolation of duty, now finds himself trying to follow a set of priorities that are not handed to him by religious superiors. Yes, it is a battle for my life, but I have a feeling that I am not alone in that battle. We are not promised any particular consolation, so we must leave it to God when those consolations are taken from us.

"Nothing troubles us but pride and the esteem that we have for ourselves." (St. Francis de Sales) In expressing my troubles, I have expressed also my almost limitless pride...and for that I must apologize and acknowledge that such a consolation of duty does not belong to me, and that I should not have claimed it for myself. I hope others can learn from my example--even if it is a negative one.

[loveletslive]

i like that term...spiritual hedonism.

[emmaberry]

Right. I can see that my reply did not really get at the subject or intention of your original post.

I get what you are saying about spiritual hedonism. Sometimes when I have to drag myself to Mass or force myself to say the rosary I cannot wait for the day when, under obedience, a superior will tell me to do these things. It must be hard going from purposeful spirituality in a communal setting to a spirituality that feels like it is only serving yourself on your own time at your own pace.

This is why some PMers make a really good point when they see that being in a 3rd order is often more difficult than being in a community because of the feelings you mentioned...far easier to fall into spiritual hedonism.

[beatitude]

If you were only a postulant for two weeks, you shouldn't have too much difficulty in remembering how you coped before you had religious superiors to guide your priorities.

I don't underestimate the upheaval that leaving a religious community can cause, especially as you entered with your heart set on living and dying there, and in its own way leaving after a short while can feel just as unsettling as leaving after years. But I still get the feeling that you're dramatising your situation a bit. Sometimes the best way to get through a situation like this is to go and do the washing-up or clean your shoes or something else equally mundane. Remain as down-to-earth as possible, and your prayer life will always keep its simplicity.

Edited August 3, 2012 by beatitude

[mantellata]

... and then we could always of course go back to St. Thomas Aquinas -- (and of course now I'm going to have to do some research to get you the exact quote... but until then the gist...) that something [b]doesn't[/b]​ have to be hard to be meritorious. It's the will and the intent that determine merit. Why? Because it is the natural state of affairs that when we become good at something it provides it's own internal (and spiritual) reward -- happiness. Ergo - even virtue (a good action that is habitual - and a habit is something performed with ease and pleasure) provides it's own reward.

So - if joining religious life actually made it [i]easier[/i] to be "spiritually hedonistic" then there wouldn't be much point to joining religious life at all. The whole point of the vows is that they bind us more closely to Christ [i]precisely because[/i] they make the spiritual life easier. Chastity combating the lust of the flesh, poverty - the lust of the eyes and obedience - the pride of life.

[filius_angelorum]

Ah, but I did not leave after two weeks. I decided that this was not my vocation after two weeks and then began to ride out the effects of that. I am leaving after a month in the community. And how did I cope before I entered? Ah, there again, I made my aspirancy just one month before I entered, stayed for a week, then left for two and a half weeks, then came back. On the other hand, I decided to begin discerning about four months ago, so at what point does one draw the line?

Am I being a bit dramatic? Perhaps, but it is for effect. Your advice is precisely correct. Mundane activities are key. They are precisely what I want to do. However, without the ability to do very many of them, I am instead writing about my experiences on phatmass, so that people may take your advice.

[emmaberry]

So you feel guilty for sticking around for 2 extra weeks? Don't worry..I think it is common protocol to wait a bit before leaving a community after you decide, "I am not right for this."

Until you can do the mundane household activities that are kind of off-limits right now, it sounds like it might be a good idea to write stuff for the youth you mentor back home. This is not ideal, but it might give you some purpose and keep your mind pre-occupied, if that is what you are looking for.

[jumpfrog]

You could walk around and pick up trash from the schoolyard or something...

[MarysLittleFlower]

I sympathize with you about 'spiritual hedonism' though I've never been in your type of situation...

I got this thought while reading your post and remembering some things the Saints said: I think the best purpose for our spirituality is to love God. That way: if you're obeying a superior, it's to love God. If you're not in a religious order but obeying a spiritual director (I agree with you that spirituality needs to be directed, and I have experienced the difficulties of having no direction for a while) - that's also to love God. If you're genuflecting (or even doing a prostration) before an altar, out of love for God, for the Blessed Sacrament, then maybe it would not be out of some misplaced sense of piety (though our motives can be mixed at times, we are human!). Maybe if all the spiritual things we do, we do to learn to love God better, that could keep us more focused, and the memory of the fact that we still don't love Him enough, could guard us from pride? But I'd need people more advanced than me to verify if this is correct

God bless!