At What Point Do You Start Evaluating A Guy

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='God the Father' timestamp='1352005759' post='2503744']
Don't "evaluate." Love.
[/quote]
You should not date just anyone. There must be some assessment/discernment/evaluation of whether or not that person is compatible. For example, dating someone who is 50 years older, has a completely different lifestyle, would cause a person to be disobedient to God or parents (in ways that are not about following God because His commands come first), is a druggie, pagan, etc. is probably not a good match.

[GeorgiiMichael]

Here is the thing, you should be "evaluating" from the very get go. That said, you don't need to know if the person you're about to go on a first date with would be a suitable mate. If it's a date with someone you just met, there's no way to know anything (usually) beforehand except for physical attraction. The date is where you can make some more evaluations, but like others said, it's not a test. It's about getting to know the other person and seeing if they mesh with you. If they share your faith, if they make you laugh, etc. If the date is with someone you know already, then some criteria is (or at least should be) already known and you can move ahead into the more serious questions.

If things go well, and from what you know, you could still see yourself marrying this person, then you might start a relationship (obviously, things will have to be mutual in that regard). But even then, it might not be prudent to talk about marriage. As the relationship progresses, you'll learn more about the other person, and the topic of marriage should definitely come up. if at any point, you realize that marriage would not work, it's time to end romantic association with that person. But you should never STOP evaluating someone for marriage until the vows are said. There will come a point where you are so sure of your choice for marriage that evaluation will become useless, but it isn't over until it's begun.

But evaluating someone for marriage is not the same as evaluating someone for a Job. It's about discernment both through mutual prayer and an open and honest relationship. It isn't a job interview. It's about finding someone you want to help get to heaven who wants to do the same for you. It's about having a total, mutual, self-giving relationship with another person.

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='KnightofChrist' timestamp='1351695051' post='2501103']
I didn't even know you are a girl. So first step, let guys know you are in fact female.
[/quote]
http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/124831-what-is-my-genderhow-well-do-you-know-me/

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='Winchester' timestamp='1351692269' post='2501092']
Dating for fun is fine. It cannot be fun to date someone you dislike so much that marriage is entirely out of the question. Even if there's just a strong sexual attraction, but enough in common to actually date (as opposed to mere hooking up, without any of the datey stuff), that's enough to build a marriage on.
[/quote]
What keeps running through my head when I think about this thread is what would happen if I replied to this post saying, "I love you for saying this. Let's go to dinner and then 'evaluate' each other."

Edited November 6, 2012 by Light and Truth

[Adrestia]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1351644682' post='2500705']

I get this, but how much do you need to know before going on a first date? Am I supposed to ask if a guy could live with a bit of clutter, or what kind of setting (deep south, multi-cultural big city, cloudy bay area?) he wants to live in, or what kind of ambition he has as a provider for his future kids (mine may be slightly special needs) before a first date? If this needs to be addressed prior, how does one deal with that?
[/quote]
When you fall for someone, some of these things may become less important. My sister's husband took a job in Dubai less than a year after they were married. They spent there 1st anniversary over there. It's okay to let life take you places.

[Adrestia]

Double

Edited November 6, 2012 by Adrestia

[Adrestia]

Triple, so I'll add this: take your time & enjoy getting to know people. Set up boundaries, stick to them.

Edited November 6, 2012 by Adrestia

[MIKolbe]

i'm gonna run outta props at this rate...

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='Adrestia' timestamp='1352197587' post='2505083']
When you fall for someone, some of these things may become less important. My sister's husband took a job in Dubai less than a year after they were married. They spent there 1st anniversary over there. It's okay to let life take you places.
[/quote]
Parents really don't want to see my go to Dubai. That might fall into the disobedient category-something everyone was talking to me about on my old thread.

There are also certain cities that I really do not want to live in near me-socio-weather wise, I do not like some of them and find them depressing or unnerving a times and some of them are high in smog when I already have asthma.

Edited November 6, 2012 by Light and Truth

[Tantum Ergo]

I agree with Noel's Angel here a lot. While it is good to be discerning, there is a point at which you can over-do it. I have a few Catholic girlfriends who are like that. They have been told, "discern!" so much, they seem to forget that they're dating a real person with faults, and not discerning a piece of meat at the grocery store. The guys they dated always ended up breaking up with them, because the guys felt they were constantly being evaluated and their every movement judged.

As for what is proper/normal, I mean, it's got to be gradual. The first few dates should be fun, as a way to simply get to know the other person. As you gradually get to know each other better, important subjects will just naturally come up, as they do in the normal progression of friendships. I mean, you've had friends before, so you know what that's like. When you just meet someone, your main goal is to casually get to know each other better. You wouldn't ask a new friend heavy questions about their religious, political, and personal beliefs in the first few meetings. Dates should go the same way. It takes time. It's not so much about "evaluating" someone as it is about "discovering" them and their beliefs. Dating is about discovering whether that person would be compatible with you.

[Adrestia]

My point was that life will take you places that you don't expect. Some preferences are non-negotiable, others are less important. Over time you will figure out what is really important for you.

As you get to know someone, your needs become apparent to each other. For example, the right guy for you will know that smog affects your asthma & wouldn't want you to live somewhere that would make you sick.