Sometimes I Get Bored And Have Fun With Email Scammers

[Nihil Obstat]

Once in a while I check my spam box, and reply to some of the better written attempted scams. I am fully aware that most of them are answered by a bot for the majority of replies, but my hope is that if I string them along for long enough, eventually I will be wasting the time of a real person.

Today I will present my latest attempt, and I will update when I receive further replies.


This one comes from MR.MAMUDA DIALLO, mamuda_diallo2010@voila.fr


[indent=1]Dear Friend,

I am working with one of the prime bank here in Burkina Faso, can you help me repatriate the sun of 14.3million dollars to your oversea Account Based on percentage.
(1) Can you handle this project?
(2) Can I give you this trust?
(3) What will be your commission?
I expect your urgent response if you can handle this project.
Best Regard's,
MR.MAMUDA DIALLO.[/indent]


And here is my reply:


[indent=1]Dear friendliest of friends, Mr. Mamuda Diallo

You are lucky because in my country I am considered the very best at repatriating the Sun. I have repatriated the Sun at least five times. And probably no more than eight.
However, such an operation is extremely difficult. Therefore I will require a commission of precisely 125% of the amount of the Sun to be repatriated. I freely admit that this is a high fee, but when you reflect on the quality of my Sun repatriation services, I am sure you will agree that it is quite reasonable.
My 125% fee, or 17.875 million dollars, may be deposited in the First Canterlot Bank of Equestria. Please speak to my account manager, Mr. Fancypants, to receive all necessary banking details.

Most friendly regards,

Irenaeus G. Saintonge[/indent]



And so it begins again.

[Nihil Obstat]

Edit: Double

Edited November 15, 2012 by Nihil Obstat

[Nihil Obstat]

[color=#222222][font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif][size=4][background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]

Here are a couple of my past works, while we are waiting for the newest idiot:


[indent=1][font='Trebuchet MS']Good day my dear,
In confidence,i have to introduce myself for i am Miss. Rose Richard,21 years old,I am the only child of late Mr & Mrs. Yve Richard. I prayed before contacting you, please for God sake do not see my mail as embrassment as we do not know each other.

I wish to request for your assistance in my efforts to procure the transfer of my inherited money for investment ventures under your care and directive,while i continue my education there in your country. I inherited Six Million,Four Hundred Thousand Dollars ($6,400,000.00) here in my name with one of the prime bank in my country and I will require your assistance in receiving the transfer of my inherited money in your local account for investment purposes,as it is my wish to come over to your country to further my education while you take care of the investment of the money.

Please i am an orphane and i need your assistance to transfer my inherited money to your country and also your assistance to secure a nice university for me in your country where I will continue my education.
Please you can contact me back with this my private mail address(roserichard1988@yahoo.com)

Please I am waiting to hear from you soonest.
Yours sincerely,
Miss.Rose Richard[/font][/indent]


My reply:


[indent=1]My Most Beloved Miss Rose,
[/indent]
[indent=1]How my heart bleeds for you! I remember with such fond deepness my filial affection for your late father, Uncle Yve. I remember how often we pranced about Ponyville, sometimes even daring to venture into the Everfree Forest. Most fondly of all do I remember the day we attended the Grand Galloping Gala in Canterlot, by personal invitation of her serene Highness, Princess Celestia. By the happiest of coincidences and the strangest series of events, your father of venerable memory met your mother on that same day, while they bobbed for apples together after the Wonderbolts performance.
Yet despite the closest of bonds which I shared with your father, it grieves me to inform you that my Aunt Sparkle Waterfall from Canterlot has passed on from this Vale of Tears and left me 80,000,000 US dollars and several large sacks of apples. I must send her adopted son, Flash Chestnut, my bank account number from my savings in Equestria Credit Union to obtain this money. So sadly, I regret to tell you that I have to pass up this opportunity to assist you so that I may help my dear adopted nephew at this time. Yet if you would like to help me aquire this fantastic fortune, please send me your bank account number so I can divide it as taxation laws in my country of residence do not allow me to legally complete this transfer of funds on my own.

God bless, sweetest of all Roses!

Affectionately in galloping memory,

Irenaeus Gallop Saintonge[/indent]

The lovely Rose never replied. So here is a different one:



[indent=1]Dear Lovely One,

I am writing to seek your partnership in the investment of my inheritance fund USD$7.5M from my late father who died mysteriously last Dec. It was very evident that he was poisoned to death. In my culture, when a man dies, if he does not have a male child, the brothers shares his property leaving both the wife and the daughters empty handed including the house they live in. This is the exact case with me as I am the only daughter of my father. I lost my mother when I was barely a year old and my father refused to re-marry another wife because he felt solely responsible for my mother's death.

This is so because he concentrated much on his businesses that he rarely pays attention to domestic affairs. He was always travelling taking care of his businesses that he did not notice when my mother took ill. He thought it was a minor illness and was ignorant of this. My mother on her own resorted to self-medication. It was not until the illness degenerated that my father took my mother to hospital where she was diagnosed to find out that hypatitis had eaten deep into her blood stream. She didn't last long before she died. This happened when I was barely a year old. Based on this, my father could not forgive himself easily because of it and said he was responsible for her death as he could have saved her if only he had paid attention to the things at home rather than concentrating much on his businesses.

Despite all entreaties by friends and relatives, he refused to remarry but ensured that I had everything that I wanted. It was as a result of this that he made me the next of kin to his fund deposit with the bank and stated that in the event of any eventuality, I should have a direct access to the fund only when I am 24 years of age otherwise, I should have a guardian/partner intercede on my behalf for the release of the funds to me.
Unfortunately, he died late last year and I am 21 years of age currently. This is why I have contacted you to serve as a guardian to me and as my foreign partner for the investment of the fund overseas My uncles does not know about the fund because they had already taken my father's houses and other properties because I am a girl and they said I do not have rights for any property. They have requested to have
my father's bank papers but I simply told them that I do not know where he kept them.

The younger brother took the house in the village while the houses in the town were sold out they shared the proceed they got from the sale. Right now, I am with a friend of mine and do sincerely want to travel out of my country. This can only happen when I have secured the release and transfer of the funds in the bank. This why it is important that we have a plan on the type of lucrative business that we can invest the funds on.

I had at various times had discussions with the director of international remittance unit of the bank where my father deposited the funds and I was assured that once, I have someone who would be willing to receive the funds on my behalf, they shall commence all proceedings to effect the release and transfer of the funds into the person's designated account. Now, that you have signified your interest to partner with me,
it would only be very necessary if you contact the bank and request for the release and transfer of my inheritance fund into your nominated account for the purpose of investment and to further have me come over to your country to continue with my studies.

I shall be giving you the bank's contact details as soon as I hear from you so that you will go ahead and contact the bank.

Talk to you the more.

Sara David[/indent]

My reply:


[indent=1]My dearest Sara David,

May all the peace and joy of our Lord God in heaven be showered upon you and your great life.
I received your missive today with great happiness, as I always am prepared to aid, assist, and de-trouble-ate those around me, especially those for whom great help and assist is needed.
Conferred have I with my lawyers under my employ, and have received I great advice. Their advice which they have advised in confidence regards the guardianship of your esteemed Self and in all particulars the transfer of funds (7 500 000) in trust accounts for as assistance to Your situation. Never have I conceived of such a wonderful opportunity for the assistance, help, aid, and availing of a bright soul as yourself and your Family.
As you certainly must no doubt know in tremendous detail, the practice most common in My culture has is that from the age of six and one third (6 1/3) a young man as Myself must needs leave His home with not even clothing on His back and travel to the top of the Great Mountain of High and Greatness and Calmity, known simply in my Native Language as Rik'Ro-lll, and once upon the Great and Mighty Greatness Mountain said young Man must at that time meditate for a period not less than nor exceeding twelvity (§[sup]th[/sup]) years, never once ever eating that not made at the hands of the Wild and Untamed Nature, nor not even obtaining for His comfort the cloths of other than the plants of the Mountain of Greatness and Several Mighty Things.
When at such time as the twelvity (§[sup]th[/sup]) years have at that point elapsed and faded into the sands of the Time which is the obscurer of all save the Grace of Our Lord God the Creator and Sustainer of all Life and Creation, the young Man who is now at this point twelvity (§[sup]th[/sup]) years older, though several eons and possibly millennia wiser in both wisdom speech and miracle wonder working, comes down from the Mount of Wise Wisdom and Great Wisely Confidence and Western Wisdom Intelligence and, though Naked in body save for the cloth provided by the Providence of the Hallowed Hollow Wisdom White Invisible Mountain Flora, is greatly clothed in the clothing of Wisdom and Miraculous Miracles, He shouldst create forthwith a Corporation, the likes of which no Man hath ever beheld though He might live several eleventy jillion years on This Vale Of Tears.
This, you see, is Me, and though I am only twelvity (§[sup]th[/sup]) plus six and one-third years of age in chronology, I am greatly wise and old beyond my years in Wisdom and Miraculous Confidence in God the Father Son and Holy Ghost as well as greatly blessed in Blessings of Intelligence and Precognition plus the Faithful Delivery of Hidden Lore.
My Great Corporation of Great Wisdom and Healing was est. this September of the current year in my name and Great is its reputation in my homeland. No Doubt you hath heard of my Renowned acumen and Considered To Be Magic handing of funds and transfers of Wealth and Good Health.
Therefore I will must at this point Inform Your great person, though you must find it most Obvious now that you understand My History, that I am pleased to accept Your offer of to take guardianship of Your-self-greatness and complete thereafter the Transfer of the money formerly possessed by Your Father of Happy Memory and though deceased lives on in the hearts of Man and truly Lives Forever in the hallowed halls of health with our Lord and Saviour Christ Jesus Who Came Down From Heaven, Incarnate of the Holy Virgin, Made Man, Who Suffered, Died, Was Buried, and Rose to Life, Taking With Him The Just of the Patriarchs and Opening the Doors of Heaven So That Through Him Sinful Man Might Be Saved, and Who Sits and the Father's Right Hand and Will in the Last Moments Sit In Judgement.
I will, therefore, and forevermore, look forward to Further Communication from Your saintly self, and situated such, sith I sit in surfeit of simplicity, I send my silent sighs of semblance to your Self and sanctify with self-same similarities your sad story of sorties and strife. Send forth thine Bank Details pl0>< and I myself shall in your service always and forevermore provide for You the Services which you in your time of need must needs require for to create the Kingdom of Our Lord forthwith.

Thine in saecula saeculorum Amen,
（╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
Irenaeus G. Saintonge
[/indent]

The lovely Sara David actually did reply.


[indent=1]My Dearest One.

Good day and how are you today, with due hope is well with you .Thanks for your response in regards to the proposals I sent to you, meanwhile, I will to make it very clear to you that I did not contact you in this transaction by an accident or to disgrace or hurt you in any way, but I contacted you for long time business partnership only if you will remains sincere with me.The proposal I sent is just for your assistance in fund transfer and investment establishment in your base for long time mutual relationship in lucratives areas. i came from Cote'd ivoire Abidjan west africa.

Meanwhile,before I contacted you in this business I have prayed over it and I believed that your involvement in this business will transform practically my dream as aspirant into reality.I am also very confident that your aknowledge in the business community and wealth of experience will be of good guide in terms of my investement because everything is going to be under your guide and supervision as I do not know much about business.I wish to futher explain to you on the way we have to go about

this transaction, I want to transfer the fund into your account over there in your base, after which I shall travel out of this country immediately to meet with you in your base so that I can continue my education as I want to further my studies and also invest the money in lucrative businesses of your choice not only real estate any business that is good for own knowledge. Like I informed you in my first sent mail to you,this money is a legitmately acquired Money realized from sales of cocoa and cafee and must to be invested in legitimate venture.This money is deposited in a bank here am staying now. The fund is deposited with the name of my late father as the depositor and my name as the next of kin.

I also want to inform you that I had a meeting with the bank director of where the fund was deposited, I had a meeting with him on how this fund will be released and transferred out of this country for my investement purposes based on my late father's advise and instructions before his untimely death ,I have also informed him on my arrangement for the immediate release and transfer of the fund .He promised that everything will be handle and concluded legaly and satisfactorily as soon as I have concluded with my foreign partner.

Now only what I need from you is to be good and honest partner who will assist me to receive this fund over there for establishment while I continue my education.To enable us proceed in this transaction without further delay, you need to reconfirm to me the following information:

1. If you will remains sincere to me throughout and after this transaction?

2. If the percentage which I offered you is acceptable by you so as to avoid any aguement when the fund arrived to your account,
3. Your full name and address .

4.Your private telephone and fax numbers.
5.If you will mantain the confidentiality of this transaction.

6. Your photo for more recognized.

For your assistance in these areas I am assuring you that I will offer you 15% from the total fund after the transfer while 5% will be for any expenses that might incure during the transaction while the rest will be for the investment programme.

Try to reconfirm to me the above information as soon as you can so that I will foward to you the full contact information of the bank and also my full information for proper identification and to enable you contact the bank for the release and transfer of the fund. please see attachment for my picture.

May God Bless you for your understanding.NOTE PLEASE TRY TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION VERY CONFIDENTIAL.

Eagerly Waiting for your urgent response.


Your's Lovely,

Sara David.[/indent]

Of course I responded with all promptness (this one was my personal best):

[indent=1]My closest of close confidential friends,

My day is quite fine and I thank you with many gracious thanks for Your beneficent enquiry. I had, in fact, a Premonition in the night last, which unlocked to me the Doors beyond which lie both the Past and Future, and some events which properly belong to Neither, contained in a Matrix of space, time, miraculous supernatural happenstance, and Providence.
I know with immense certainty that Your Sagacious and Graceful Self will be thrilled, happy, overjoyed, and filled with excitement over the execution of our jointly derived and practiced Business Venture. I hath been duly assured by the Communion of the Church Triumphant that My trust in Your Serenity is not misplaced, and therefore I, with an excess of enthusiasm, and several dozen extra eons of wisdom based on My experience in the Dream State, will be enthused and Eager to accept Your offering.
You must, I am sure, recall very much of the Brief History for you which I provided in my previous epistle to Your Grace. At a time such as now and at the moment given I find it beneficial for to provide with your Intellect a Further Elucidation of the Financial Practice of my Person. For you see, being considered as preternaturally skilled in the Practice of Finance in my city, you must find in my Operations a certain and undeniable skillfully Methodical Method of Operation.
For you see, my Structures of Capital are arranged as such: my Corporation of Great and Mighty Sagacity handles day to day many large Transfers of Wealth and Good Weal. Such is My experience, and You will I know find it Comforting and Revolutionary. My Personal Accounts are no less secure and Intimidating. I possess four Bank Accounts located in the Great Kingdom of the Mighty Price of Valhalla, sometimes called in your country the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg. My first primary default standard account shall be Ideally Suited for the transaction which is required by Your Radiance. This standard primary First Prime account contains currently a Standing Balance of eleventeen hundred thousand American Pounds Sterling, as well as One Million (1 000 000 000) Sino-Japanese dollars. Such being the case, a transaction of Your Magnitudiness will not raise for you any additional Tax Burdens, nor will the Public Authorities of Your Magnificence's Home Country and Village be notified for the cases of nonstandard Transfers of Great Wealth and Strange Happenstance. In short, the Capital belonging to your most serene Highness will be quite and perfectly safe, sound, secure, and splendid.
The Security of Withdrawl in This Hallowed Account is second to none in the material world. You see, once the funds are in Joint Custody of Ourselves, none but Our Most Partnering Selves may make the withdrawals of funds great or small, in any amount, and at any time. In order for Any Such withdrawals to Be Made, both Your Most Dignified Self and My Humble Person will must required to be present. Official Operators of My Bank will from the outset be Present both physically and in spirit, and will require for us multiple verifications of authenticity of Ourselves Material Emotional and Spiritual. First, both Your Serenity and Myself must provide a Secret and Secure Password of Secrecy, of which You will have one which is Unique, and I will have one which also is Unique. Both must be provided simultaneously, though in temporal location we will be separated by a Soundproof and psychic attack proof barrier. Once Said Passwords are provided, you and I together will converge and move as One Unit into a Second Level of Security Requirements. Once in Such a Second Level, a Requirement of Authenticity is again required. In this step, the fingerprint which belongs to Myself must be provided, after which the fingerprint which belongs to Yourself must be provided. The fingerprint which belongs to Myself must be Mine, and must be contained entirely on My Hand, and nowhere besides or external to My Hand. The fingerprint which belongs to Yourself must be Yours, and must be contained entirely on Your Hand, and nowhere besides or external to Your Hand. Such being the case and being completed, a Door will open, beyond which lies a Layer of Security which is More Secure still, and pass we through then such a Door in order to meet this Next Requirement of Security and Authorization. Beyond Said Door, we will face another Requirement of Security, in which both My Face and Your Face will be scanned, analyzed, computed, and cross-referenced based on Official Bank Records. My Face must match That Which Is Contained In The Official Bank Database Records, and Your Face must match That Which Is Contained In The Official Bank Database Records. No Deviation from This Requirement shall be permitted. This Being Done two doors will open. Through the left door lies Certain Death, so we will Proceed as a single unit united in purpose through the Right Door beyond which we will complete the last and final, ultimate, and terminating Requirement of Secure Authenticity. Once passed through the Correct Door, which is the Right Door, and not the door which is left, beyond which lies Certain Death, DNA, RNA, and mitochondrial verification will be required. Exactly no more and no less than 500mL of blood will be withdrawn from Your Left Arm, such being used in order to Verify the DNA and RNA and mitochondrial matter from Your Nobility. So too in identical manner will Blood with withdrawn from My Left Arm. Both Left Arms must belong to Their Rightful Owners; Your Left Arm must be attached to Your Left Shoulder, and so too must My Left Arm be attached to My Left Shoulder. Also, the Heart belonging to Yourself and Myself must continue at all times to pump Our Blood in order for the withdrawal to be Made. Immediately following the withdrawal of Blood from Yourself and Myself, a Sample of Skin from the tip of Your Right Ring Finger and Mine will be required, as well as a verified Urine Sample, Hair Sample, and Saliva sample.
All these procedures being followed, and withdrawal from our Joint Account will be permitted. Under no other circumstances can the withdrawal be made, and so you see quite deliberately that Your Capital is safe being held jointly in My Hand and the Hand of Your Sagacity.
Need I only several items of Identity Verification in order to place Your Esteemed Name in Joint Custody of My Most Secure Bank Account Which Is Primary, First, Standard, and Default. First I will need Four Passport Style Photos: the first must be made with Your Eyes being both opened. The second must be made with Your Eyes being both closed. The second must be made with Your Right Eye open and Your Left Eye closed. The fourth must be made with Your Left Eye open and Your Right Eye closed. Also required will be a picture of You upside Down, Right side Up, and also sideways. Furthermore One Picture will be required in Which Your Greatness is holding a sign up In Front Of Your noble face, and upon the sign will read the letters which spell "NOPE CHUCK TESTA". This is a Mysterious and Most Noble requirement of My Bank, and will ensure your unlimited access to the Funds held by Ourselves. Once These Pictures have been received by Myself, I will personally deliver them To My Bank, and will arrange Custody. I will provide for them also your email address, but will also require from you and address, phone number, and Government Verification Number, which may take whatever Standard Form your Government Does Issue.
For you now will I provide the Details of My Self which you Must Needs require for to complete transfer of Your Capital Which Will Be Jointly Possessed by the Pair of us. The Full Name Which Belongs to my Most Subservient Self is Irenaeus Gordon Saintonge, also known in many lands as Irenaeus Gordon Saintonge, and sometimes called The Great and Powerful Trixieâ„¢. All Three of these Distinct Names must be provided for to complete the transfer. My Address is such: 333955819999943, Mightiness Road, Secret Grove, Hidden Valley, Anasazi Province, Canamerica, Cell Block 1138, and the ZIPostal Code Number which belongs to This Address Which Is Mine is 9999999995X2AAA. My Private Telephone Number is as follows: (1 888 888 888 8888888 888 9) and my Private Fax Number is as follows: (1888 888 888 888888888 888 8). I hereby and forthwith, forevermore and in the presence of All Here Assembled do I swear that My Honesty is equal to the Greatness of Yours in this Transaction, and following Here is the Picture Required of Myself.
[I believe this was a picture of Serpico.]
I await in All Eagerness the Reply to Which you will send Me in order to make start the completion of the beginning of the transaction which Now will be made in Its finality and Fullness of moral agency.

That you may be made anathema, absit,

（╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Irenaeus G. Saintonge[/indent]

Unfortunately she did not reply. But luckily for me Miss Olivia Kim tried to scam me next:


[indent=1]Dear Respectful one.

I am Miss Olivia Kim, I am totally convinced to write you in reference of the transfer of( 5.5 U S$ )to your account for onward investment (industries) in your country. Though we have not met before but I strongly believe that one has to confiding in someone to succeed sometimes in life.

There is this amount of five Million, five hundred thousand U.S dollars ($5.500, 000.00) which my late Father (Late Mr.Joseph Kim) deposited for me in a bank here in Abidjan before he was assassinated by some unknown hoodlums in on going political war here .

Because of recent political/civil war eructed here, I decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe enough outside Africa for security and political reasons. I want you to help me to transfer this money to your country for investment.

If you can be of assistance to me, I will be pleased to offer to you 15% Of this total money (indicated above).

Further details will be made known to you on confirmation of your interest to assist me . Your urgent reply will be highly appreciated. please this is my email ( olivia.kim1@hotmail.fr )

Thanking you and God bless.

Miss Olivia Kim,[/indent]

My reply:


[indent=1]My dearest and most favourite Ms. Olivia Kim,

I received upon this evening your nuntius which regards the transfer of a certain Sum of pecunia from Your troubled accounts in Abidjan, into My secured accounts here in the Great and Mighty Land of Greatness and Mightiness.

With regards to your Father, Mr. Joseph Kim, I must confess to you that I was in Life quite propinquus with Him, and was in fact His Greatest of Fans. It pains me greatly to hear of His untimely mortem. Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December, And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor. Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore - For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore - Nameless here for evermore.

Call me Ishmael. Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off - then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the ship. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean with me.

Your great Father of Esteemed and Most Highly Regarded memoriae was a close confidante of Myself, and So I am troubled to Hear of his Fatal Spot of Bother. I recall, for instance, a dies in qua we Both of Us Together kidnapped the President of Antarctica, holding him for pretium in our Secret Lair which is currently still even now at this moment Locked Up and Hidden in the Mightly Land of Daserase. Of course Your Esteemed and Most Radiant Self will be Most Familiar with this fabula. No Doubt your Most Strengthening Father regaled you many times with the fantastic tales of Humour, Woe, Heartbreak, Violence, Lanificum, Conduntur, et Ordinandis. Also on That Fateful Day your Late Father met She Who Would Become your Matrem. It was, I imagine, Amor Primo Aspectu, and every day I Marvel at the Love present in our world.

With all the Eagerness you might reasonably conceive, I humble myself to be At Thine Service in saecula saeculorum. Should the mountains crumble to dust and the oceans somehow convert into arsenic and mercury, my Servitude to Thineself Shall never end, though even grow stronger and more Robust.

I wish at this moment to tell you a short story which I am quite Sure will aid, assist, and auxilium you in your intellegentia of My Motivations.
THOMAS GRADGRIND, sir. A man of realities. A man of facts and
calculations. A man who proceeds upon the principle that two and
two are four, and nothing over, and who is not to be talked into
allowing for anything over. Thomas Gradgrind, sir - peremptorily
Thomas - Thomas Gradgrind. With a rule and a pair of scales, and
the multiplication table always in his pocket, sir, ready to weigh
and measure any parcel of human nature, and tell you exactly what
it comes to. It is a mere question of figures, a case of simple
arithmetic. You might hope to get some other nonsensical belief
into the head of George Gradgrind, or Augustus Gradgrind, or John
Gradgrind, or Joseph Gradgrind (all supposititious, non-existent
persons), but into the head of Thomas Gradgrind - no, sir!

In such terms Mr. Gradgrind always mentally introduced himself,
whether to his private circle of acquaintance, or to the public in
general. In such terms, no doubt, substituting the words 'boys and
girls,' for 'sir,' Thomas Gradgrind now presented Thomas Gradgrind
to the little pitchers before him, who were to be filled so full of
facts.

Indeed, as he eagerly sparkled at them from the cellarage before
mentioned, he seemed a kind of cannon loaded to the muzzle with
facts, and prepared to blow them clean out of the regions of
childhood at one discharge. He seemed a galvanizing apparatus,
too, charged with a grim mechanical substitute for the tender young
imaginations that were to be stormed away.

'Girl number twenty,' said Mr. Gradgrind, squarely pointing with
his square forefinger, 'I don't know that girl. Who is that girl?'

'Sissy Jupe, sir,' explained number twenty, blushing, standing up,
and curtseying.

'Sissy is not a name,' said Mr. Gradgrind. 'Don't call yourself
Sissy. Call yourself Cecilia.'

'It's father as calls me Sissy, sir,' returned the young girl in a
trembling voice, and with another curtsey.

'Then he has no business to do it,' said Mr. Gradgrind. 'Tell him
he mustn't. Cecilia Jupe. Let me see. What is your father?'

'He belongs to the horse-riding, if you please, sir.'

Mr. Gradgrind frowned, and waved off the objectionable calling with
his hand.

'We don't want to know anything about that, here. You mustn't tell
us about that, here. Your father breaks horses, don't he?'

'If you please, sir, when they can get any to break, they do break
horses in the ring, sir.'

'You mustn't tell us about the ring, here. Very well, then.
Describe your father as a horsebreaker. He doctors sick horses, I
dare say?'

'Oh yes, sir.'

'Very well, then. He is a veterinary surgeon, a farrier, and
horsebreaker. Give me your definition of a horse.'

(Sissy Jupe thrown into the greatest alarm by this demand.)

'Girl number twenty unable to define a horse!' said Mr. Gradgrind,
for the general behoof of all the little pitchers. 'Girl number
twenty possessed of no facts, in reference to one of the commonest
of animals! Some boy's definition of a horse. Bitzer, yours.'

The square finger, moving here and there, lighted suddenly on
Bitzer, perhaps because he chanced to sit in the same ray of
sunlight which, darting in at one of the bare windows of the
intensely white-washed room, irradiated Sissy. For, the boys and
girls sat on the face of the inclined plane in two compact bodies,
divided up the centre by a narrow interval; and Sissy, being at the
corner of a row on the sunny side, came in for the beginning of a
sunbeam, of which Bitzer, being at the corner of a row on the other
side, a few rows in advance, caught the end. But, whereas the girl
was so dark-eyed and dark-haired, that she seemed to receive a
deeper and more lustrous colour from the sun, when it shone upon
her, the boy was so light-eyed and light-haired that the self-same
rays appeared to draw out of him what little colour he ever
possessed. His cold eyes would hardly have been eyes, but for the
short ends of lashes which, by bringing them into immediate
contrast with something paler than themselves, expressed their
form. His short-cropped hair might have been a mere continuation
of the sandy freckles on his forehead and face. His skin was so
unwholesomely deficient in the natural tinge, that he looked as
though, if he were cut, he would bleed white.

'Bitzer,' said Thomas Gradgrind. 'Your definition of a horse.'

'Quadruped. Graminivorous. Forty teeth, namely twenty-four
grinders, four eye-teeth, and twelve incisive. Sheds coat in the
spring; in marshy countries, sheds hoofs, too. Hoofs hard, but
requiring to be shod with iron. Age known by marks in mouth.'
Thus (and much more) Bitzer.

'Now girl number twenty,' said Mr. Gradgrind. 'You know what a
horse is.'

She curtseyed again, and would have blushed deeper, if she could
have blushed deeper than she had blushed all this time. Bitzer,
after rapidly blinking at Thomas Gradgrind with both eyes at once,
and so catching the light upon his quivering ends of lashes that
they looked like the antennae of busy insects, put his knuckles to
his freckled forehead, and sat down again.

The third gentleman now stepped forth. A mighty man at cutting and
drying, he was; a government officer; in his way (and in most other
people's too), a professed pugilist; always in training, always
with a system to force down the general throat like a bolus, always
to be heard of at the bar of his little Public-office, ready to
fight all England. To continue in fistic phraseology, he had a
genius for coming up to the scratch, wherever and whatever it was,
and proving himself an ugly customer. He would go in and damage
any subject whatever with his right, follow up with his left, stop,
exchange, counter, bore his opponent (he always fought All England)
to the ropes, and fall upon him neatly. He was certain to knock
the wind out of common sense, and render that unlucky adversary
deaf to the call of time. And he had it in charge from high
authority to bring about the great public-office Millennium, when
Commissioners should reign upon earth.

'Very well,' said this gentleman, briskly smiling, and folding his
arms. 'That's a horse. Now, let me ask you girls and boys, Would
you paper a room with representations of horses?'

After a pause, one half of the children cried in chorus, 'Yes,
sir!' Upon which the other half, seeing in the gentleman's face
that Yes was wrong, cried out in chorus, 'No, sir!' - as the custom
is, in these examinations.

'Of course, No. Why wouldn't you?'

A pause. One corpulent slow boy, with a wheezy manner of
breathing, ventured the answer, Because he wouldn't paper a room at
all, but would paint it.

'You must paper it,' said the gentleman, rather warmly.

'You must paper it,' said Thomas Gradgrind, 'whether you like it or
not. Don't tell us you wouldn't paper it. What do you mean, boy?'

'I'll explain to you, then,' said the gentleman, after another and
a dismal pause, 'why you wouldn't paper a room with representations
of horses. Do you ever see horses walking up and down the sides of
rooms in reality - in fact? Do you?'

'Yes, sir!' from one half. 'No, sir!' from the other.

'Of course no,' said the gentleman, with an indignant look at the
wrong half. 'Why, then, you are not to see anywhere, what you
don't see in fact; you are not to have anywhere, what you don't
have in fact. What is called Taste, is only another name for
Fact.' Thomas Gradgrind nodded his approbation.

'This is a new principle, a discovery, a great discovery,' said the
gentleman. 'Now, I'll try you again. Suppose you were going to
carpet a room. Would you use a carpet having a representation of
flowers upon it?'

There being a general conviction by this time that 'No, sir!' was
always the right answer to this gentleman, the chorus of NO was
very strong. Only a few feeble stragglers said Yes: among them
Sissy Jupe.

'Girl number twenty,' said the gentleman, smiling in the calm
strength of knowledge.

Sissy blushed, and stood up.

'So you would carpet your room - or your husband's room, if you
were a grown woman, and had a husband - with representations of
flowers, would you?' said the gentleman. 'Why would you?'

'If you please, sir, I am very fond of flowers,' returned the girl.

'And is that why you would put tables and chairs upon them, and
have people walking over them with heavy boots?'

'It wouldn't hurt them, sir. They wouldn't crush and wither, if
you please, sir. They would be the pictures of what was very
pretty and pleasant, and I would fancy - '

'Ay, ay, ay! But you mustn't fancy,' cried the gentleman, quite
elated by coming so happily to his point. 'That's it! You are
never to fancy.'

'You are not, Cecilia Jupe,' Thomas Gradgrind solemnly repeated,
'to do anything of that kind.'

'Fact, fact, fact!' said the gentleman. And 'Fact, fact, fact!'
repeated Thomas Gradgrind.

'You are to be in all things regulated and governed,' said the
gentleman, 'by fact. We hope to have, before long, a board of
fact, composed of commissioners of fact, who will force the people
to be a people of fact, and of nothing but fact. You must discard
the word Fancy altogether. You have nothing to do with it. You
are not to have, in any object of use or ornament, what would be a
contradiction in fact. You don't walk upon flowers in fact; you
cannot be allowed to walk upon flowers in carpets. You don't find
that foreign birds and butterflies come and perch upon your
crockery; you cannot be permitted to paint foreign birds and
butterflies upon your crockery. You never meet with quadrupeds
going up and down walls; you must not have quadrupeds represented
upon walls. You must use,' said the gentleman, 'for all these
purposes, combinations and modifications (in primary colours) of
mathematical figures which are susceptible of proof and
demonstration. This is the new discovery. This is fact. This is
taste.'

The girl curtseyed, and sat down. She was very young, and she
looked as if she were frightened by the matter-of-fact prospect the
world afforded.

'Now, if Mr. M'Choakumchild,' said the gentleman, 'will proceed to
give his first lesson here, Mr. Gradgrind, I shall be happy, at
your request, to observe his mode of procedure.'

Mr. Gradgrind was much obliged. 'Mr. M'Choakumchild, we only wait
for you.'

So, Mr. M'Choakumchild began in his best manner. He and some one
hundred and forty other schoolmasters, had been lately turned at
the same time, in the same factory, on the same principles, like so
many pianoforte legs. He had been put through an immense variety
of paces, and had answered volumes of head-breaking questions.
Orthography, etymology, syntax, and prosody, biography, astronomy,
geography, and general cosmography, the sciences of compound
proportion, algebra, land-surveying and levelling, vocal music, and
drawing from models, were all at the ends of his ten chilled
fingers. He had worked his stony way into Her Majesty's most
Honourable Privy Council's Schedule B, and had taken the bloom off
the higher branches of mathematics and physical science, French,
German, Latin, and Greek. He knew all about all the Water Sheds of
all the world (whatever they are), and all the histories of all the
peoples, and all the names of all the rivers and mountains, and all
the productions, manners, and customs of all the countries, and all
their boundaries and bearings on the two and thirty points of the
compass. Ah, rather overdone, M'Choakumchild. If he had only
learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might have taught
much more!

He went to work in this preparatory lesson, not unlike Morgiana in
the Forty Thieves: looking into all the vessels ranged before him,
one after another, to see what they contained. Say, good
M'Choakumchild. When from thy boiling store, thou shalt fill each
jar brim full by-and-by, dost thou think that thou wilt always kill
outright the robber Fancy lurking within - or sometimes only maim
him and distort him!


So, now I am sure that You must understand entirely the reasons I have for being quite Trusting of Your Esteemed Self, and how Willing I am to be Forever in service to thee.

Finito prooemio, hoc est initium praesentis operis in quo Magister divinorum nobis doctrinam tradere intendit quantum ad inquisitionem veritatis et destructionem erroris: unde et argumentativo modo procedit in toto opere: et praecipue argumentis ex auctoritatibus sumptis. Dividitur autem in duas partes: in quarum prima inquirit ea de quibus agendum est, et ordinem agendi; in secunda prosequitur suam intentionem: et in duas partes dividitur. Secunda ibi: hic considerandum est utrum virtutibus sit utendum, an fruendum. Ea autem de quibus in hac doctrina considerandum est, cadunt in considerationem hujus doctrinae, secundum quod ad aliquid unum referuntur, scilicet Deum, a quo et ad quem sunt. Et ideo ea de quibus agendum est dividit per absolutum et relatum: unde dividitur in partes duas. In prima ponit divisionem eorum de quibus agendum est per absolutum et relatum secundum cognitionem, in secunda secundum desiderium, ibi: id ergo in rebus considerandum. Circa primum duo facit. Primo ponit divisionem eorum de quibus agendum est, in res et signa, quae ad cognitionem rerum ducutie pie; secundo concludit ordinem agendi, ibi: cumque his intenderit theologorum speculatio studiosa atque modesta, divinam Scripturam formam praescriptam in doctrina tenere advertet. In primo tria facit. Primo ponit divisionem; secundo probat per auctoritatem, ibi: ut enim egregius doctor Augustinus ait; tertio ponit membrorum divisionis expositionem, ibi: proprie autem hic res appellantur quae non ad significandum aliquid adhibentur: ubi primo exponit quid sit res; secundo quid sit signum, ibi: signa vero quorum usus est in significando; tertio utriusque comparationem, ibi: omne igitur signum etiam res aliqua est. Id ergo in rebus considerandum est. Hic, dimissis signis, subdividit res per absolutum et relatum ex parte desiderii, scilicet per fruibile, quod propter se desideratur, et utibile, cujus desiderium ad aliud refertur: et dividitur in partes duas. Primo ponit divisionem; secundo epilogat et concludit intentionem et ordinem, ibi: omnium igitur quae dicta sunt, ex quo de rebus specialiter tractavimus, haec summa est. Prima in tres. Primo ponit divisionem; secundo partium manifestationem, ibi: illa quibus fruendum est, nos beatos faciunt; tertio movet dubitationes, ibi: cum autem homines, qui fruuntur et utuntur aliis rebus, res aliquae sint, quaeritur utrum se frui debeant, an uti, an utrumque. In secunda duo facit. Primo manifestat divisionem; secundo ponit quamdam contrarietatem, et solvit, ibi: notandum vero, quod idem Augustinus (...) sic dicit. Circa primum duo facit. Primo manifestat partes divisionis per definitiones; secundo quantum ad supposita, ibi: res igitur quibus fruendum est, sunt pater, et filius, et spiritus sanctus. Circa primum quatuor facit. Primo definit fruibilia per effectum; secundo utibilia, ibi: istis quibus utendum est, tendentes ad beatitudinem adjuvamur; tertio definit utentia, et fruentia ibi: res vero quae fruuntur et utuntur, nos sumus; quarto definit uti et frui ad probationem totius: frui autem est amore alicui rei inhaerere propter seipsam. Et eodem ordine procedit manifestando secundum supposita. Notandum vero, quod idem Augustinus (...) aliter quam supra accipiens frui et uti, sic dicit. Hic ponit contrarietatem ad haec tria. Primo ponit diversam assignationem uti et frui; secundo concludit contrarietatem ad praedicta, ibi: et attende, quod videtur Augustinus dicere illos frui tantum qui in re gaudent; tertio ponit solutionem, ibi: haec ergo quae sibi contradicere videntur, sic determinamus. Et primo solvit per divisionem; secundo per interemptionem, ibi: potest etiam dici, quod qui fruitur etiam in hac vita non tantum habet gaudium spei, sed etiam rei. Cum autem homines, qui fruuntur et utuntur aliis rebus, res aliquae sint, quaeritur, utrum se frui debeant, an uti, an utrumque. Hic movet dubitationes de habitudine eorum quae pertinent ad invicem: et primo quaerit de utentibus et fruentibus, an sint utibilia vel fruibilia; secundo de fruibilibus, scilicet de Deo, utrum sit utens nobis vel fruens, ibi: sed cum Deus diligat nos (...) quaerit Augustinus quomodo diligat, an ut utens, an ut fruens; tertio de quibusdam utibilibus, utrum sint fruibilia, ibi: hic considerandum est, utrum virtutibus sit utendum, an fruendum. Quaelibet harum partium dividitur in quaestionem et solutionem. Hic quaeruntur tria: primo, de uti et frui. Secundo, de utibilibus et fruibilibus. Tertio, de utentibus et fruentibus. Circa primum quaeruntur duo: 1 quid sit frui secundum rem; 2 quid sit uti secundum rem.

I wait most Patiently and Eagerly for the Reply Which Will Come from Thine Hand.


（╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Irenaeus G. Saintonge [/indent]
Amazingly, she did reply to that monstrosity of lazy cut and paste:

[indent=1]My Dearest One.

Thanks for your mail. How are you today and your condition of health hope all is well with you. My Dear, I am grateful for taking your time to respond my email i am very glad. God will bless you.

Dearest. i have the evidence about my inheritance is with me i have the deposited Certificate the bank reached with my late father the day he deposited this money in the bank.

The main reason i contacted you to help me is because my late father Mr. Joseph Kim,deposited the money into Fixed Coded Account which can not withdraw or input any money into the account unless the total money is transferred in foreign bank account abroad before i can start making the use of the money.

He also reached and agreement bond with the bank that before i can start making the use of the money i must get at age of 30yrs old presently i am still 23yrs old, and i still have many yrs ahead of me which i can not continue waiting since my uncle and his wife has claimed all my late father properties. My uncle and his wife said that i am a woman therefore i don't have any right in my father's properties that is why they claim every thing. Anyway, it is a very long story.

My Dear. When i got your mail today i rush down to the bank and tell the Bicici Bank president Mr. Jean Fichaux Francois, that i have found some one who will assist me receive my money into his bank account there where every happy. But they said you should forward your information to me this way so i can submit it to them to contact you immediately.

Dearest .Please with all due respect i will need your information forward to me this way.

Yours Full Name......................
Yours House Address.....................
Your Bank Name and Address..................
Your Account Number........................
Account Beneficiary.......................
Your Private telephone number......................
Your Driving Lenience or a copy of your passport for identification
Your Occupation....................

This is what i need from you so that i can submit them to Bicici Bank by tomorrow morning to contact you for the transfer of my money in to your account in your country.But i need you to forward your information to me so i can submit it myself okay.

I am waiting to hear from you urgent. Take very good care of yourself, May God almighty guide you always.
Best Regards
Yours Miss Olivia Kim.[/indent]

My reply was a modified version of the one I sent to Sara. The parts I have posted here are the ones I changed: (There were several rather funny pictures in here, but the link is broken by now and I cannot remember what they were.)

[indent=1]
For you now will I provide the Details of My Self which you Must Needs require for to complete transfer of Your Capital Which Will Be Jointly Possessed by the Pair of us. The Full Name Which Belongs to my Most Subservient Self is Irenaeus Gordon Saintonge, also known in many lands as Irenaeus Gordon Saintonge, and sometimes called The Great and Powerful Trixieâ„¢. All Three of these Distinct Names must be provided for to complete the transfer. My Address is such: 333955819999943, Mightiness Road, Secret Grove, Hidden Valley, Anasazi Province, Canamerica, Cell Block 1138, and the ZIPostal Code Number which belongs to This Address Which Is Mine is 9999999995X2AAA. My Private Telephone Number is as follows: (1 888 888 888 8888888 888 9) and my Private Fax Number is as follows: (1888 888 888 888888888 888 8). I hereby and forthwith, forevermore and in the presence of All Here Assembled do I swear that My Honesty is equal to the Greatness of Yours in this Transaction, and following Here is the Picture Required of Myself.
[img]http://alpacinofanclub.com/images/serpico01.jpg[/img]
The Name of the Bank which is currently and at present this moment in Service to Myself is First Equestria Charterhouse Investment Security Checking and Savings Branch of the Primary Order. You will find Its address to be 1 888 88 8 88888888 888 Octoeight Rd. Huitown, Achtland, Ponyville, Equestria. The phone number of This Bank is 1 800 888 888888888 8 8888 88888888π8. The number of the Bank Account which We shall use from This Day in Order to complete the transaction about which Your Magnificence is addressing Me on this Glorious and Most Sunny Bright Happy Day is π88 88π88888πππ8888888π.

Here last of all shall I provide for you a Scanned and Notarized, Authenticated, and Verified copy of my Passport:
[img]http://rudy.in/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/fake-pp.jpg[/img]
Finally, Last of All, and to bring this Message from Myself to Yourself to completion, the Job Title of the Occupation belonging to myself is Master Great High Chief of Financial Transactions and Meditation.[/indent]
[/background][/size][/font][/color]

[PadrePioOfPietrelcino]

Holy Cow...seems like someone waisted some prayer time...ME! Funny, but I can't believe I read all that.

[rachael]

[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v103/rac13sd/ftOQU.gif[/IMG]