Appropriate Or Not

[KnightofChrist]

I realize this post was not directed at me, but to make it perfectly clear, I never wanted to be "alone" with this woman and I thought that the children were enough to keep it from being "alone," but I did think about it as you suggested and realized that I might not think two children are a sufficient "barrier" if my wife were in a similar situation. So I don't think I would like it either.

I understand. I hope you find a way to practice your duet without upsetting anyone. Edited February 19, 2014 by KnightofChrist

[Basilisa Marie]

I find it kind of puzzling that phatmassers are so hung up on "temptation" and the fact that someone might be attracted to someone else.

Is it really so hard to believe in monogamy and trust? That's called an adult relationship. Doesn't even begin to go into the fact this guy is married which should theoretically make him even more trustworthy. Guess not.

 

Part of it has to do with the mentality that it's always easier and better to just avoid situations where any kind of temptation could possibly occur, to make it literally impossible to sin. It's not about not trusting the person you're with, it's about not wanting to put yourself in a situation where you'd need to be trusted in the first place. There's nothing wrong with knowing your limits and your own weaknesses. Not everyone is able to completely trust themselves or their partner in all situations, because everyone is different when it comes to sexual temptation. As long as they're open and honest with the person they're with and find a way to work things out, there isn't anything wrong with it. Even if it seems weird. It doesn't automatically mean that there are deeper issues, it's just a different way of doing things. 

[Basilisa Marie]

That's a very good point.

 

But I'm now at the point where I've accepted your thinking and that of many here, and am looking for a way to gracefully tell her that we need to do this a different way.

 

But there is no time to do this at choir practice.  This is an extra that needs to be done another time. 

 

When I was in my church's choir, people who had to practice extra parts did that right before or right after rehearsal. Maybe that's an idea? 

 

Good luck figuring it out!

[Pliny]

We will eventually figure out the logistics.

 

I would really like to change the subject now and discuss the best way to explain to my friend that we can't practice with just me, her, and her two children.

 

I don't want to offend her.  As bad as things might have looked, her intentions might have been perfectly innocent.  Or even if not "perfectly," I want to let her save face and not feel as though we all think she is an evil temptress.  I want to get out practicing "alone" in a way that is kind and compassionate.

Edited February 19, 2014 by Pliny

[BarbTherese]

Would telling this woman that you don't feel comfortable about meeting outside of the choir environment help.  I don't think you need go into details - just that you are not entirely comfortable with the notion for some reason.  You might not be able to speak with her during choir practise, but you could ask very briefly to speak to her after practise.

I hope you find a way to deal with the situation comfortably for yourself and for this other woman and keep it as a prayer intention. I will pray with you in spirit.

God's blessings

[NotreDame]

We will eventually figure out the logistics.

 

I would really like to change the subject now and discuss the best way to explain to my friend that we can't practice with just me, her, and her two children.

 

I don't want to offend her.  As bad as things might have looked, her intentions might have been perfectly innocent.  Or even if not "perfectly," I want to let her save face and not feel as though we all think she is an evil temptress.  I want to get out practicing "alone" in a way that is kind and compassionate.

 

Just bring your wife to the first practice.  She can watch the kids while you two sing.  That should give you a buffer to evaluate the situation and motives.

[Pliny]

I already told her that was ok with meeting at her house.

 

Then yesterday I told my wife that I would be meeting with her to practice this week.  I thought she already knew and that I had told her previously, and after her "What the !@%**$?" response, I realized that it was news to her, and apparently not good news.

 

But my friend is still thinking that we are ok with practicing at her house and I'm looking for a delicate way to backtrack.

Edited February 19, 2014 by Pliny

[Pliny]

Just bring your wife to the first practice.  She can watch the kids while you two sing.  That should give you a buffer to evaluate the situation and motives.

 

That's a great idea but there are logistical reasons this can't be.  It would be too much to try to explain it.

[ChristinaTherese]

I have a prof (who has children older than me) who takes students hiking, but has a general rule that he won't take girls when there isn't anyone else around. Like a rehearsal, it isn't really an environment where one would normally be guarding against temptation or whatever out on a (probably) chilly mountain, but it's his rule. It might be to guard himself against temptation, and it might be just to keep himself above reproach. But the point is, this is not an unheard of policy, so you shouldn't sound too unreasonable if you explain that your wife doesn't want you to be alone in a house with another woman who isn't related to you. (I'm assuming that this might carry to other women and she wouldn't mind if you were alone with your sister or your mother.) I hope things work out relatively smoothly for you.

[Pliny]

I want to add that I'm sorry I said "bleep."  

 

I don't usually use that kind of language.

[Pliny]

I remember a time many years ago that I was taking an adult class about debating.

 

We paired up with partners that we were to work with and practice with.

 

My partner was a very beautiful and very well built woman (divorced and living alone), just slightly older than me.  She suggested we meet at her house to practice and discuss, and I agreed, and we met and discussed the issue and nothing happened other than a discussion and preparation for the debate.

 

I was in my early 30's at the time (before becoming a Catholic), and I must have been very naive and innocent, because it never occurred to me that there was anything inappropriate about meeting like this, nor did it occur to my wife.  It seemed perfectly normal. And of all things, the topic we were debating was about sex education in schools, so we talked about sex the entire time. 

[Slappo]

Ok, I'll be honest here: I wouldn't want my wife to be hanging out with another guy that I knew found her attractive in a 1 on 1 social setting like a home.

 

The reason is not because I don't trust my wife or I think she'll be super tempted to sin or something (lol wut? I'm so good looking no one would give me up for another guy! At least that's what my ego tells me...). I wouldn't want her to do it because it can be an awkward situation, it's not particularly prudent, and it doesn't really help the guy out with setting aside romantic feelings for a married woman.

[Slappo]

As for some other guy that i know for a fact isn't attracted to her... I'd be a lot more comfortable with the idea.

 

I'd be 100% comfortable with it if the guy was a mutual friend of ours (such as my daughter's godfather).

 

Oh: and to Semper, work settings are 100% different. I'm sure you'd be a little less thrilled with the idea of your fiancee going over to another guy's house for a glass of wine and a romantic movie for instance... :)

Edited February 19, 2014 by Slappo

[cruciatacara]

Ok, I'll be honest here: I wouldn't want my wife to be hanging out with another guy that I knew found her attractive in a 1 on 1 social setting like a home.
 
The reason is not because I don't trust my wife or I think she'll be super tempted to sin or something (lol wut? I'm so good looking no one would give me up for another guy! At least that's what my ego tells me...). I wouldn't want her to do it because it can be an awkward situation, it's not particularly prudent, and it doesn't really help the guy out with setting aside romantic feelings for a married woman.

I think you raise an interesting and previously neglected point here - the temptation for the person who is feeling the attraction. If this woman in the OPs post is really feeling an attraction towards the OP (as his wife thinks she is), no matter how small the attraction, how does it help her to be put in a possibly intimate situation (kids or no kids) with the (married) person to whom she is attracted?

[blazeingstar]

My fiancee and myself both have worked (in my case on a 6 month deployment away from her) closely with the opposite gender. She's an attractive girl so it doesn't surprise me that other guys would be attracted to her.

At the least there's a certain level of professionalism that I expect in a working or in this case a social environment. That speaks to common decency not just relationships. It doesn't even begin to scratch the surface on the fact that this a woman who you have given your entire life and devotion too.

To answer your question I have and have had absolutely no issues with my significant other working closely with men. I trust her completely and she's never given me a single reason not too.

 

My fiancee and I discussed this.  We live in a very immoral world.  I trust him and he trusts me.  However, even in a Catholic setting we don't trust others not to do something, or accuse becuase they aren't getting their way.

 

This came up for us when my friend's husband posted about his "work wife".  My friend seemed ok with it but both my fiancee and I were made uncomfortable with some of the situations including late dinners after 10 hour business days in far-away cities.  It would be far better for them to have unwound in their separate hotels, even if was not fun.  M friend trusts her husband, but it is a situation that my fiancee and I have agreed never to put ourselves in.

 

In my fiance's job he works with 90% men.  If the woman is within two decades of him and he dosn't know her, he ALWAYS has another man around.  You never know what motivations someone has if rebuffed.

 

Speaking of witch, I work in a very large office.  During part of that time I was single.  I keep out of office gossip, and don't participate at all.  I have never been attracted to any of my co-workers.  One night my fiancee came for dinner and I introduced him to some of the co-workers that I was friends with.  One gentelman who I didn't even speak to much, seemed to be busy and in the momoent I thought nothing of it.  In the days, weeks and months that followed (and even now) he has become rude and cruel, even telling other co-workers I'm "cold and b****y".  He had a unfounded crush and he is super bitter (I know through other co-workers).  He dosn't go through official channels but he's more than happy to unofficially disparage me.

 

I trust my future husband.  I trust that he will rebuff any actions of attraction from another female.  I do not trust that this day in age a rebuff won't come with some kind of accusaiton.  No matter if a security camera records the entire interaction and the person is cleared of any wrongdoing, the accusation will always stick.  

 

His wife dosn't trust this woman.  That's enough for me.

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

your wife is not being unreasonable in this case pliny.