Being Married & Alone With Opposite Sex

[Marie-Therese]

I have a few male friends who I am extremely close to. My fiance knows he has absolutely zero reason to suspect me of anything untoward; however, my personal position is that now that I am engaged, and particularly after I am married, I will not place myself in a position to be alone with anyone of the opposite gender in a place which is unsupervised or unobserved.  However, if I wanted to grab a lunch or coffee and catch up with some of them, I'd make sure to let Nick of my plans in advance so that if he had any qualms he would have a chance to express them, and to meet only in public.  If it comes down to it, my husband's feelings will come first.  I would expect the same courtesy from him in return.  That said, I'd have no issues with him catching up with a female friend, and I know he'd feel the same in regard to my friends.  It's more a matter that I know that I ultimately place my spouse's needs in first place.

[Guest]

Just being real if there is an attraction the threat something could happen is real....My girl would not be chilling alone with a close guy friend...And if he's good looking she won't even be talking to him... I will never be one of those dummies who finds out his girl was sleeping with her "friend"...Sure it's possible to be just friends and nothing happen if there is no attraction there....But if there is a physical attraction things could happen...To say otherwise is not keeping it 100... Heck an attraction isn't even necessary once an emotional bond gets formed...

Edited February 27, 2014 by Guest

[franciscanheart]

wait....which scene are we talking about? :unsure: is it....you know...... that scene? :unsure:

You mean the only scene worth watching and re-watching in the whole movie? Yes. That one. (I love that scene. [gigglesnort])

[Anastasia13]

Just being real if there is an attraction the threat something could happen is real....My girl would not be chilling alone with a close guy friend...And if he's good looking she won't even be talking to him... I will never be one of those dummies who finds out his girl was sleeping with her "friend"...Sure it's possible to be just friends and nothing happen if there is no attraction there....But if there is a physical attraction things could happen...To say otherwise is not keeping it 100... Heck an attraction isn't even necessary once an emotional bond gets formed...

 

An emotional bond causes people to have sex with someone he/she is not attracted to?

[Anastasia13]

What if one of the people is homosexual or asexual or several decades older/younger?

[Guest]

An emotional bond causes people to have sex with someone he/she is not attracted to?

not necessarily but I know for a lot of females an emotional bond is stronger then physical attraction... And I didn't mean to imply every female would go and sleep with a friend who they have an emotional bond with...obviously not all women are ratchet...

[Guest]

What if one of the people is homosexual or asexual or several decades older/younger?

ya each of those things can change scenarios...I guess I was just getting at the whole were just friends thing seems like bs a lot of the time...obviously not in every instance but alot...

[tinytherese]

Sadly, there are scenarios where a spouse will spend a great deal of time with someone of the opposite sex and feel that this friend of theirs understands them better than their spouse. This can lead to what is known as an emotional affair.--They're closer to their friend than their spouse.

That's why spending TOO MUCH time with a friend or acquaintance of the opposite sex and talking about some things that should be reserved for your spouse, therapist, or priest is unhealthy.

[Guest]

Amen...I was this guy for a girl who was going through a tough time with her husband and I learned the hard way... She worked things out with him in the end and I was the one left with the broken heart...Learned a very tough life lesson and when it was all said n done lost a friend...

Edited February 27, 2014 by Guest

[Basilisa Marie]

Look, I'm all for setting personal boundaries. You have to know yourself.  Maybe there are some people that you know you can't be around them alone - not because you're going to snog them at a moment's notice, but that maybe being alone would open the door to tension, or stir up tension that's already there, or you know that if you start making it a habit eventually you'll fail to resist temptation. I firmly believe men and women can be "just friends" - I don't know where I'd be without my male friends! They and my female friends are important to me. 

But I also believe in the "video tape rule" and being willing to communicate to your spouse/fiance/significant other/person every detail you can remember about your outings with the opposite sex at the drop of a hat. It's not that your "person" has a right to grill you every time you're in contact with a friend, it's about not letting any doubts or various sins even start to fester.  My boyfriend and I are doing the long distance thing, and when I was living in Ohio I'd always tell him when I hung out with a guy friend, even in a group setting, even if he just stopped by for a couple minutes. It just leaves no room for any doubt, and it worked for me. 

I can see how it could go terribly wrong. You have to set boundaries and be transparent in order for it to work. But I think it can certainly work. 

[blazeingstar]

My FI and I don't have to worry about this for the most part because his closest friend who's a female became a nun years ago, and my closest male friend is now in seminary.

 

I do have a single male friend, but he's two decades older than me and has been like a father to me for 6+ years.  He's one of two people (the other being a nun) who taught me about God.  My fiancee is fine with us spending time together, just as I would be ok with him talking with his mom.  Given my family situation, it's understandable.  He has a pseudo grandma and he's never had any reason to be alone with her, but if she called and said she needed him to come help with housework for a day and I wasn't invited, I wouldn't mind.

 

I have other male friends, but life happens....I'm not really so close to them that I'd really want to be alone with them to do something....but I think that's a natural part of being in a romantic relationship.  Now that I'm in one I certinally don't seek male friends....nor does my fiancee seek female friends.

 

Work-

After my friend's husband posted a joke about his work wife my fiancee and I had a long conversation about work relationships.  That doesn't seem appropriate to have a "work wife"...the door is wide open for bad behavior.  As for my FI,  he works in a male dominated industry but is very careful if he's ever working with a woman because it takes 30 seconds to have your reputation ruined.

 

For me, I work in a very mixed industry where "everything goes" and there are several co-workers in various escapades with others.  When my fiancee came to eat dinner with me one night I introduced him to a few of my co workers.  One pretended to be busy, unbenoced to me (I LITERALLY had no idea) this man had a crush.  Since then he has been miserable to me and has spread it around the office that I'm a "cold b****h".  I didn't even talk to the guy.  I have learned through that, it is not good to do anything with the opposite gender because the slightest friendliness can be seen as affection.    Not worth it.

 

A note about emotional intimacy.  It can happen in a non-sexual way with same gender relationships.  There are several focus on the family articles about woman's groups and how they often tear down marriages.

Edited February 27, 2014 by blazeingstar

[dUSt]

It's only ok if one or both of the friends are really ugly. You should never attempt an outside-of-marriage opposite sex friendship if both people are attractive. It's not me saying this, it's science.

 

This makes it very difficult for me because I can only be friends with ugly girls.

 

And, since I do not dig hanging with ugly people--I am limited to one female friend--but she is gay, not ugly.

[Guest]

Lmbo well said Dust way to keep it 100...

Edited February 27, 2014 by Guest

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

In marriage i think acquaintances that are the opposite sex is fine like work colleagues and even outside of work. But friends and best friends of the opposite sex is kind of dicey unless there best friends with you husband or wife. It can lead to the thought of blowing off your hubby for a friend of the same gender as your hubby, it is very dangerous grounds because we're human beings and such situations can become a temptation to infidelity in word, thought and or deed with or without sex. St paul warns against such relationships when he says " Do not talk to a married women about matters of faith." I assume he was talking to a single man, which i think also is not a gender biased thing because he was talking universally but directly to a single man and this thought pattern applies to both genders in that the husband should be the main stay of the wife and visa versa in matters of faith and morals outside of official church teaching. In truth i think phatmass should also have a thing about that in the profile as being married or single.  

 

Jesus iz LORD.

Edited February 27, 2014 by Tab'le De'Bah-Rye

[The Bus Station]

It's only ok if one or both of the friends are really ugly. You should never attempt an outside-of-marriage opposite sex friendship if both people are attractive. It's not me saying this, it's science.

 

This makes it very difficult for me because I can only be friends with ugly girls.

 

And, since I do not dig hanging with ugly people--I am limited to one female friend--but she is gay, not ugly.