Feeling Like A Community Doesn't Want Me?

[OnlySunshine]

The age difference was something I was VERY concerned about when it came to discerning with 2 different communities - a cloistered Carmelite community and an active/contemplative community.  Neither of the communities had a younger vocation in MANY years and the age difference was very big - too big to ignore.  The prioress I talked to at the Carmelites was greatly desiring of some young blood to liven up their community but I didn't feel comfortable with a house of older women not knowing if anyone would follow after me.  She ended up leaving herself and then several nuns and postulants came from Kenya.  Now one of them is prioress.  The active community, while they had an apostolate that I am very interested in, was also too accepting and wanted me to join before I even visited.  That threw up a red flag because they weren't being objectionable at all.  I don't want to join ANY community at all just to be a religious and I worried that if they accepted me before I visited, what did that mean for others?  I already know someone who has entered and left 3 religious communities because she went anywhere where she was accepted and she has worse health problems than I do.  :(

Edited April 12, 2014 by MaterMisericordiae

[Hemma]

Hi Senensis, and welcome :) That sounds like it would have been a difficult situation for both your friend and you. And to give you a straight "no" without speaking to you beforehand would be a hard thing to have to take. Did the novice mistress give you any idea as to why they've refused you? 

I do agree with your view to first look within your own country or region. Are there any other monasteries nearby, or were they really your only option?

Also, if you haven't already, you might want to explore the sense of relief you're feeling. Work out where it's coming from and why you're feeling it. It may help to guide you along another path.
I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

No, the novice mistress gave me no idea. That's another reason why I think it has to do with my nun friend - how should she explain that.

Well, there are other monasteries - not really nearby, not in this region, but I have still enough possibilities.

It just hurt me how they did it. Like a slap in the face. Actually I feel wounded. How can they be so unfriendly to a person from outside?

 

I'm relieved because... well, I'm a person who likes to be at home. I think I won't have severe problems with enclosure per se. But, I feel somehow horrified at the thought of never leaving the convent again except for visiting my parents every five years or so. Just being trapped in there forever would be like dying, but in a negative sense. I know very well that you have to offer things when you are called by the Lord and so on. But this would make me unhappy. I couldn't breathe somehow. I think I'm going to look for benedictine/cistercian monasteries, because they appreciate the enclosure but leave it once and a while.

And then the above mentioned monastery is right in the city, and I'm a person who loves nature... no pets there, not a single stray cat ...

[marigold]

No, the novice mistress gave me no idea. That's another reason why I think it has to do with my nun friend - how should she explain that.

Well, there are other monasteries - not really nearby, not in this region, but I have still enough possibilities.

It just hurt me how they did it. Like a slap in the face. Actually I feel wounded. How can they be so unfriendly to a person from outside?

 

I'm relieved because... well, I'm a person who likes to be at home. I think I won't have severe problems with enclosure per se. But, I feel somehow horrified at the thought of never leaving the convent again except for visiting my parents every five years or so. Just being trapped in there forever would be like dying, but in a negative sense. I know very well that you have to offer things when you are called by the Lord and so on. But this would make me unhappy. I couldn't breathe somehow. I think I'm going to look for benedictine/cistercian monasteries, because they appreciate the enclosure but leave it once and a while.

And then the above mentioned monastery is right in the city, and I'm a person who loves nature... no pets there, not a single stray cat ...

 

It sounds like maybe it was the right thing to happen anyway, if you weren't sure you wanted to live the life they have?

 

I'm sorry that you had the experience of 'nuns gone wrong' - we don't know what's going on inside that community, but all the same, it hurts to be badly treated, especially by people who should know better. Been there, done that; pray for them and move on. :)

[Spem in alium]

No, the novice mistress gave me no idea. That's another reason why I think it has to do with my nun friend - how should she explain that.

Well, there are other monasteries - not really nearby, not in this region, but I have still enough possibilities.

It just hurt me how they did it. Like a slap in the face. Actually I feel wounded. How can they be so unfriendly to a person from outside?

 

I'm relieved because... well, I'm a person who likes to be at home. I think I won't have severe problems with enclosure per se. But, I feel somehow horrified at the thought of never leaving the convent again except for visiting my parents every five years or so. Just being trapped in there forever would be like dying, but in a negative sense. I know very well that you have to offer things when you are called by the Lord and so on. But this would make me unhappy. I couldn't breathe somehow. I think I'm going to look for benedictine/cistercian monasteries, because they appreciate the enclosure but leave it once and a while.

And then the above mentioned monastery is right in the city, and I'm a person who loves nature... no pets there, not a single stray cat ...

 

 

I think it's okay for you to feel these things - not just the hurt at how the situation was handled, but also the relief. It does hurt to be treated badly, especially by more "unlikely sources".
 

You are right that being called by the Lord to religious life does mean a person needs to offer certain things, but I have been told that one should not enter religious life in order to make a sacrifice of themselves, their needs and desires, because this will more often than not lead to unhappiness.

Now, I'm no expert, but I don't believe that a true call is ever one of misery, unhappiness or discontent. A call can certainly bring challenges, anxiety and apprehension, but if it is genuine, it will not bring unhappiness. If you are recognising now that entering that particular monastery would have made you unhappy, then it seems a good idea that you look to other monasteries that will suit your particular desires. Consecrated men and women still have needs, desires and things that make them happy, just like everyone else, and it's okay to guide your discernment to fit with those things.

[maximillion]

For me, the biggest indication that a person is called to a specific community is the joy they feel in that place, with those Sisters.

[Hemma]

Yeah, that's very true, and that's why I had almost prayed for a refusal. But I hadn't realized that so much before I had written to the novice mistress. Yeah, you're very right altogether. It's so helpful to read your comments for me :)

[Egeria]

In addition to all of the above - and I suspect that this was more about what was going on in the community than it was about you - I would be very wary of a community without cats  :unsure:

[maximillion]

Will a dog do? We had a dog.

 

 

I almost forgot three cows, 15 chickens.

Edited April 12, 2014 by maximillion

[SilentJoy]

In addition to all of the above - and I suspect that this was more about what was going on in the community than it was about you - I would be very wary of a community without cats  :unsure:

 

:hehe2:

[Blue.Rose]

I think it's okay for you to feel these things - not just the hurt at how the situation was handled, but also the relief. It does hurt to be treated badly, especially by more "unlikely sources".

You are right that being called by the Lord to religious life does mean a person needs to offer certain things, but I have been told that one should not enter religious life in order to make a sacrifice of themselves, their needs and desires, because this will more often than not lead to unhappiness.

Now, I'm no expert, but I don't believe that a true call is ever one of misery, unhappiness or discontent. A call can certainly bring challenges, anxiety and apprehension, but if it is genuine, it will not bring unhappiness. If you are recognising now that entering that particular monastery would have made you unhappy, then it seems a good idea that you look to other monasteries that will suit your particular desires. Consecrated men and women still have needs, desires and things that make them happy, just like everyone else, and it's okay to guide your discernment to fit with those things.

Thanks for this post - it's helpful to me in my situation too.

[Spem in alium]

Thanks for this post - it's helpful to me in my situation too.

You're very welcome. I'm glad. :)

[bmb144]

Blue Rose,

 

If you need an ear, let me know.  I am Aussie, discerning and have been in contact with a decent amount of the communities here. I'm on the older side at almost 38 and caring for an ill parent, so I understand. The order I am discerning with and hopefully will visit in July has no problems like that. No age limit and are very welcoming.  PM me if you want  :)

[MithLuin]

Blue Rose,

 

Many orders are hesitant to too strongly encourage very young vocations.  So, I don't know when you first contacted this community, but it you were, say, 16 at the time, they might have tried for the 'polite but distant' vibe because of age, nothing else.  I take it you are around 20 now, so that shouldn't be an issue any longer, but something to keep in mind.  

 

More significant is the cultural differences.  You mentioned that the religious order you are looking at consists entirely of foreigners, and depending on what country they are from, they might be rather different from Australians in how they approach community.  Living with people from another culture as the only member of your minority is a real challenge, and certainly something that should be carefully considered.  For some people, it would be great!  And for others...well, you don't want to be completely miserable in religious life, either.  I once worked with a woman who was the only white sister in an African American order.  She seemed very much to be a part of the community and happy with who she was and what she was doing.  I doubt there was any 'mistake' when she was accepted into the order.  My sister speaks Spanish fluently and loves doing mission work in Latin America, but was very hesitant to consider joining a Latina religious community - parts of the culture she loves, but parts would drive her crazy if she were the odd one out for the rest of her life.  For example, she loves their celebrations and joyfulness (and praying in Spanish), but she absolutely can't stand the disorganized approach to getting things done - a little too laid back for her OCD/ German background.  

 

Many religious communities have roots in another country, so even if all the sisters were Australian, you'd still have to consider the founding culture of the community when you were getting to know them.  But I agree that if you are the first/only Australian woman to join, then that is another issue and one that you will have to 'feel out' over time.  IF you determine that you would not be comfortable there enough to be yourself, then....well, it wouldn't make much sense to join, would it?  If they seem very comfortable with each other but distant towards you, you may want to give it some time for you to warm up to each other, and then, if nothing changes...ask directly and move on if the answer is "we're not interested."  

 

Your concern about your parent is another thing you will have to work out, regardless of the order you are interested in.  I think that, if your parent knows you are considering religious life, it would be a good idea to sit down and have a conversation about what the options are moving forward.  While it is admirable that you want to live with and care for your parent, is that really the only option?  

 

I wish you all the best in your discernment!

 

 

[MithLuin]

I just saw on the other thread that you mentioned you were a recent convert.  I think that might gain you a similar reaction to the 'too young' thing I was talking about above.  Meaning, they don't want to send you packing, but want to give you time to discern without being too pushy.  

[AveMariaPurissima]

Well said, Mithluin, especially about cultural differences.

[Blue.Rose]

I just saw on the other thread that you mentioned you were a recent convert. I think that might gain you a similar reaction to the 'too young' thing I was talking about above. Meaning, they don't want to send you packing, but want to give you time to discern without being too pushy.

Yes I agree because I was told by the Sister in the order how converts often consider religious life but then the desire fades, so I think they are cautious.
I'm 22 by the way and the other sisters told me they joined at about the age of 18 so age is not the problem.
I haven't seen the sisters for 2 months now I've tried to be in contact via email though.
I'm going to see how it goes, see how I feel and when I meet with them again I'm going to discuss my concerns.

[Indwelling Trinity]

I hope it won't sound rude if I suggest that a community of women in their 30s isn't really 'older'...

 

LMAO !!!! Then I am a mummy and just don't know it ! :dead:

[visitor]

Try a community that is not of older nuns and so uninterested in new vocations and the 21st century.

There are a few, hard to find. Have you contacted the Order of St. Paul of the Cross (also referred to as order of preachers of the cross), beautiful history, deeply religious and charitable to all and open to accepting vocations of our day regardless of age as long as the aspirant truly has a vocation and is serious about persevering in her espousal to the Beloved Lord.

[TheresaThoma]

(IT Good to see you back!!)

[cmaD2006]

Try a community that is not of older nuns and so uninterested in new vocations and the 21st century.

There are a few, hard to find. Have you contacted the Order of St. Paul of the Cross (also referred to as order of preachers of the cross), beautiful history, deeply religious and charitable to all and open to accepting vocations of our day regardless of age as long as the aspirant truly has a vocation and is serious about persevering in her espousal to the Beloved Lord.

 

A reminder -- on Vocation Station there is a rule that new orders without approval of the Bishop cannot be promoted.  See link below -- no sisters are listed as living in Abingdon, VA on the diocesan website.

 

http://www.richmondd...gious-men-women

 

Please refrain from discussing this community until they are a bit more official.