My Own Spiritual Struggles / Vocation

[superblue]

I am once again, seriously pondering where I can fit in with the Church, I am still not satisfied that I tried my very best my first go around, especially seeing how nervous I was in regards to so so much.  I have recently purchased two books regarding St. Benedict and how he came to be, and how his monastic life formed etc... they were books that were recommended off of a Benedictine website here in the states..

 

Before I started seriously considering a religious life, I figured I knew a lot about who I was as a catholic, and knew a lot about the history of the Church, and what not, I found out rather quickly I barely scratched the surface... More over, trying to balance or figure out what I really have a conflict with the Church in some regards in that, is what I think I am having an issue with really an issue an at all or am I just looking for an excuse to complain...  Then I started to balance or think out, how politics really does play into the religious life or vice verse , and trying to grapple with well what to do when laws come about that come in conflict with what I believe personally, morally or just in general with the Catholic faith, or how any religious order  might obey a law that I personally do not agree with nor want to participate in because I feel it goes against the life of being a free American....An then am I willing to sacrifice what I might personally believe as an American to live in a religious order / community to thus serve a bigger role with in the Church an in turn Christ.

 

I understand the difference between following orders, and not agreeing with them, living by rules but not really understanding them, and I just endlessly sometimes question myself how that translates with a religious life and if that is even good enough .... to follow with out really understanding or agreeing, and then I realize the human factor, making mistakes the gift of forgiveness..

 

I am thinking sometime this semester if I manage to get deep into it with out some major catastrophy striking me, and getting into these two books ill probably re contact the VD of this Benedictine order, just to say hello an give an update , maybe even start looking for a new S.D, I have a deacon in mind that I think I would be comfortable with....

 

I think the hardest thing for me, would to be having to pick up and move to a new diocese and start over, hoping to be given a chance at entering a seminary, knowing that there is no promise at all.

 

anyhow

 

gtg

 

[CrossCuT]

If you figure it all out let me know. Im floating in a divide myself. 

[Clare Brigid]

Reading your post, Superblue, I see these themes: institutions; authority; obedience; intellect versus will.

Obedience is a spiritual discipline. It is one way to de-center the ego. So of course it will be uncomfortable. I think Benedictine spirituality is a good way to learn about the value of obedience, because St. Benedict is gentle but clear on this issue.

You would be safe undertaking obedience in any of the major religious orders. There is vast institutional wisdom and safeguards to ensure that authority is not abused and your obedience will bear spiritual fruit.

[Amppax]

Reading your post, Superblue, I see these themes: institutions; authority; obedience; intellect versus will.

Obedience is a spiritual discipline. It is one way to de-center the ego. So of course it will be uncomfortable. I think Benedictine spirituality is a good way to learn about the value of obedience, because St. Benedict is gentle but clear on this issue.

You would be safe undertaking obedience in any of the major religious orders. There is vast institutional wisdom and safeguards to ensure that authority is not abused and your obedience will bear spiritual fruit.

 

This is an excellent post. I'm out of props, so I just wanted to say that before I forget. 

 

However, I'm somewhat confused by your post. Are you worried about an abuse of the authority which would be over you in a religious order, or is it simply an issue with not having the ability to make choices? 

[superblue]

This is an excellent post. I'm out of props, so I just wanted to say that before I forget. 

 

However, I'm somewhat confused by your post. Are you worried about an abuse of the authority which would be over you in a religious order, or is it simply an issue with not having the ability to make choices? 

 

 

I don't really have a problem with authority ,the ability to make a choice is never really taken away from a person...

 

I think the problem I would have is not being able to voice my concerns or even disagreement in having to follow a rule I didn't like or felt that it was a rule that is really unnecessary. And or not being allowed to speak freely with out worry of some kind of repercussion.   and that is really something that I have faced in the past and I tend to project that onto the future which has never happened or might never happen, an it is one of the things I am learning to stop doing, I tend to have to drag myself back to normality in thinking, realizing everyone isn't like the rough spots of my past. It doesn't stop the feeling of being nervous though...

 

It is just one of those bridges that are crossed when an if one gets there.

[veritasluxmea]

I don't know if this would help, so take it with a grain of salt. May I suggest taking a "break" from discernment? As in shifting your focus on discernment. I could be wrong, but it seems like discerning at this moment is wearing you down and shifting your focus from God. So, instead of looking up monasteries or trying to figure out if you need to move, just focus on what needs to be done today, tomorrow, and this week. School, jobs, volunteer/parish work, and the like. Kind of put discernment aside and just work on your relationship with God and other issues/questions in your life. 

 

I say this because it worked for me... I knew I had a vocation but the whole "discernment" thing was bringing me more anxiety than answers! It took me a few weeks to get into the rhythm of focusing on God and today, but funnily enough, when I did, my discernment became peaceful and without over thinking it I knew what steps I needed to take in the future, and I had the patience to wait as things s l o w l y unfolded. 

[superblue]

I don't know if this would help, so take it with a grain of salt. May I suggest taking a "break" from discernment? As in shifting your focus on discernment. I could be wrong, but it seems like discerning at this moment is wearing you down and shifting your focus from God. So, instead of looking up monasteries or trying to figure out if you need to move, just focus on what needs to be done today, tomorrow, and this week. School, jobs, volunteer/parish work, and the like. Kind of put discernment aside and just work on your relationship with God and other issues/questions in your life. 

 

I say this because it worked for me... I knew I had a vocation but the whole "discernment" thing was bringing me more anxiety than answers! It took me a few weeks to get into the rhythm of focusing on God and today, but funnily enough, when I did, my discernment became peaceful and without over thinking it I knew what steps I needed to take in the future, and I had the patience to wait as things s l o w l y unfolded. 

In a way I am taking a break from discernment, I am moving on with finishing college, and just being open minded to really anything that hopefully God puts in my path, I have finally received the books I ordered on St. Benedict, the first one is the Rule of St.Benedict....

 

I was confused a lil with this book in that I was expecting like a history of St.Benedict, why he did what he did, why people who supposedly wanted to follow him wanted to for some reason kill him... but it is more of what is expected of those who want to live a monastic life, or as the book suggest, the rules.

So my next thing is, is this a literal book that the Benedictines are still living by, which I find hard to believe because some of the rules calls for harsh and strict punishment in some circumstances, and even though there is a suggestion of strict poverty or nothing given to one except if approved or given by the Abbot, as towards things one may own.... I am thinking such rules are either no long practiced such as the calls for punishment  or lax in regards to poverty .....

 

I have another book I am reading in regards to St. Benedict well going to read.

 

But I am curious as to how much control an Abbot has over the lives of the monks under him... ?

 

The Franciscans I visited seemed to get along very well and were very kind to one another, so the Rule of St. Benedict has given me the off hand impression that the life might not be as pleasant , at least from reading that book,  though I do know it will take a come an see weekend to really get such things answered and to get a better picture .

 

The biggest thing I fear, is between college starting and ending hopefully sometime next year, that I still do not enter the work force again, and then I have to ask myself once again why, and it becomes a plethora of issues, and I have been around this bush plenty of times, I understand I need a safety net when discerning a religious life / order,  but the truth is, even if I had a job right now, and it was stable, and I said hey I am going to go discern a possible religious life with this order or I have been accepted into a seminary, the truth is, that job might not be waiting for me if I were rejected or decided to leave, an I could be in the exact same spot I am in now, out of work, and out of the field of work I was in and probably out of that field of work for a few years....

 

so when I look at it like that, I am hard pressed to understand the necessity to say to a prospective order or bishop, yes I have been gainfully employed for so long, I find it more pressing to say, I have been discerning, I have finished college and more over this is what I have been doing to strengthen myself towards a religious life, this is what I have been doing in my parish etc...

 

 

any how, it is all just speculation that I toss around in my head, sometimes it ends up here, sometimes I just ignore it all out..... but I am in a direction at the moment to keep researching St. Benedict , his life, and what it means to be a monk and live a monastic life, and to finish college. 

 

My other short term goals, are to start praying the Rosary more often, be better prepared for my 8th grade religious ed class,  figure out what it means to be a sponsor for a former student who is in the process of confirmation  ( which I gota call someone on that in my parish tomorrow ! ) ( was really surprised to be asked to be a sponsor ) ,   and my hardest goal would be to become a EOM or Reader at mass ( getting over that first hurdle of being in the public spot light ( even though I know no one is really focusing on me per se ) that anxiety can be very hard for me to get over at times.

 

so I put all that for me to look back on later in the up coming months to see what has happened.

 

I could have put it in my journal but pft, stupid wrists get bent to beans writing so much. easier to type.

 

k bye

[Fr. Antony Maria OSB]

Hi Superblue,

 

I normally just browse the phorum, but I thought I could help shed some light on some questions you have, since I am a Benedictine monk (a Junior monk right now, aka in simple vows).

 

First off, one thing that stuck out to me in your first post was what you said about politics in the monastery. This was actually mentioned in one of my junior conferences this past week. My Junior Master told us that if we focus on the politics that might play out in the monastery, then that will lead us to a lack of trust in our brother monks, which could ultimately lead us to a lack of trust in God Himself. Yes, politics can happen in a monastery, or any religious order, but we need to be able to look beyond the human to see God at work. We need to trust that God really does work through the decisions of the Abbot, the Abbey Council, and the Chapter in guiding the monastery and the monks within her. We are not in this alone.

 

Branching off of that a little bit, the biggest thing I have learned since entering the monastery has been how incarnational our lives are and what a glorious mystery the Incarnation really is. St. Maximus the Confessor talks about how our role as human beings is to bring all of creation into union with God, and that in the Fall we not only brought ourselves down, but all of creation with us. Jesus Christ changed that when He became man, like us in all things but sin. Through Him, we are able to reunite ourselves and all of creation to Him. He can use even our sins, temptations, doubts, struggles of any kind to draw us closer and closer to Him. This does not mean that God wants us to sin, or that He takes joy in our sufferings: of course not. But there is always hope in the midst of the trials, there is always light in the midst of the darkness. Don't lose sight of that.

 

Benedictine monasticism is a life of hope and joy found in and through the Incarnation, manifested in large part through obedience to the Abbot/superior (Junior Master in my case at the moment). Each monastery is going to be different in how it is run, since every monastery is independent of the others. An important thing to keep in mind in terms of obedience, however, is that you will not be asked to do something that you are unable to do. At one point in the Rule, St. Benedict talks about how the monk should approach the Abbot if he is assigned an impossible task. He should go to the Abbot and calmly explain his reasons for not being able to complete the task. The Abbot, in turn, should listen to the monk and seriously consider what he has to say. The Abbot can then decide whether to change the order or not. Many times, the Abbot/community will see something in the monk that the monk does not see in himself, and as such something that he initially thinks is impossible will turn out to be possible, by the grace of God. The whole point of the monastery is to grow closer and closer to God throughout your life, and that is no easy task! You will be challenged to grow, and growing pains are definitely a part of that. But it works.

 

As far as worrying that the life may not be pleasant, I can assure you that we are kind, jovial people. Yes, you're going to have all kinds of people in the monastery, some you find easy to love and others you find difficult to love, but you're going to find that everywhere. It's all about perspective. One of my favorite quotes is from Bl. Columba Marmion, who was a Benedictine Abbot in Belgium who died in the 1920's. He once said that, "Joy is the echo of God's life in us." Here was an Irishman who loved to crack jokes, but was also an acclaimed spiritual director/writer and Abbot. If there is no joy in a community, the community is not going to be healthy.

 

When you read the Rule of St. Benedict, keep in mind that it was written by a man who had been threatened to be killed by his monks for being too strict. Many people consider that strict rule that he was threatened over to be what's known as The Rule of the Master. The Rule of St. Benedict was probably written later in St. Benedict's life, and was the fruit of a life lived completely devoted to God. It is a rule of moderation in all things. In Chapter 64: The Election of An Abbot, he states, "He [The Abbot] must show forethought and consideration in his orders, and whether the task he assigns concerns God or the world, he should be discerning and moderate, bearing in mind the discretion of holy Jacob, who said: If I drive my flocks too hard, they will all die in a single day (Gen 33:13). Therefore, drawing on this and other examples of discretion, the mother of virtues, he must so arrange everything that the strong have something to yearn for and the weak nothing to run from." (RB 64: 17-19).

 

Keep that in mind. The monastery is not meant to break you: it is meant to make you grow in love and knowledge of God.

 

Finally, if you want a good history of St. Benedict (that explains why his monks threatened to kill him, etc.), the most famous was written by St. Gregory the Great in his book Dialogues Book II. It can be found here: http://www.osb.org/gen/greg/tocalt.html.

 

I hope this helps somewhat, and if you have any other questions please let me know here, or feel free to send me a PM. Keep praying and searching for God: that is all that is expected of you or of anyone.

 

God bless!

 

Br. Antony