brandelynmarie Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 ... because you are discerning. I'm noticing this more & more... I haven't even been accepted anywhere yet, but what I keep hearing & experiencing is, "Well, you won't be here in two years so why would we do this now?" I find it painful as when other loved ones have planned to move on with their lives, I still maintained the relationship & didn't back away even if I knew I wouldn't be seeing them as often... Anyone else understand what I'm trying to say? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneLine Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 :hug: yup. Praying for you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MADS Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Yes, I do-- will pray for you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spem in alium Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Oh, definitely. Prayers for you. :heart: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmmaElizabeth Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I'm so sorry to hear this Brandelynmarie! Unfortunately, I am experiencing the exact same thing so I know how you feel. I will pray for you and your family! God Bless you during your time of discernment. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charbel Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 JMJ :console: I am keeping you In prayer :pray: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandelynmarie Posted November 6, 2014 Author Share Posted November 6, 2014 Thanks Pham :love: It's not letting me prop y'all... But I will later. How are you guys handling this? I'm doing the best I can to love them where they are at... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spem in alium Posted November 6, 2014 Share Posted November 6, 2014 I find it painful as when other loved ones have planned to move on with their lives, I still maintained the relationship & didn't back away even if I knew I wouldn't be seeing them as often... I really connected with what you said here. One of my very best friends recently got married, and while I've tried to get in touch with her, she hasn't made contact since the wedding. I hear updates about her from her mother and her mother-in-law. It's hard knowing that the relationship is more or less dying, even though I'm trying hard to sustain it. It's so painful. When this happened to me, I swore to myself that even if I got super busy with convent life, I would make the effort to meet with my friends. Even though I've not entered the convent yet, nurturing my friendships alongside my deepening vocation has been hard to manage at times. Some friends have more or less dropped out of the loop since they discovered my plans. To be honest, I think people tend to distance themselves from things they don't understand or are scared of - and I have a lot of people in my life who, as brilliant as they are, just don't get it. I've had a few people act like I'm falling off the planet or am dying, when really I'm only planning to move half an hour away. Once I explained to them that a) I still loved them b) I still wanted to be friends, even in the convent c) I'm still going to be contactable, at least for the next two years, it made it a lot easier for them to deal with. Loving them where they're at is so important - I think it's the best thing we can do, really. Also, I find mentioning the novitiate - especially the part about limited communication - tends to freak people out. I see it as very important to speak about, but in small steps. I don't see the point in hiding things from them - even the parts that I know will terrify them - but I try to be cautious with how I reveal things. Most important, I think, is to pray for them. I don't pray that my loved ones will understand, but I pray for patience, for love, and for peace for us all. I know God is working, even when, and especially when, things get most difficult. I trust He's got this for me, and for all of us, too. :) You sound like a really wonderful friend to have. I'll pray for you and your loved ones. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marigold Posted November 6, 2014 Share Posted November 6, 2014 I understand what you're trying to say, BM! :) The first time round, a lot of my friends either just dropped out of my life or slowly faded away, making it clear they couldn't/didn't want to grasp what I was doing. That hurt, and still does from time to time... But I also experienced a flood of invites and people getting in touch - some after a number of years of not being in contact - to see me 'one last time'. This time round, I feel like I'm in liminal space. I'm neither here nor there. I've chosen and decided what I want to do, God helping me, but... have no real time-frame for that. Kind of like the situation you're in (have been in for a while now!). I don't fit into the world, and I don't fit into the convent, because the community I'm hoping to join doesn't exist yet! I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to cope with that, and actually a lot of the time it's just stressful and very lonely. I live with two amazing women, one of whom is Orthodox but neither of whom are trying to become nuns. My family seem to think 'Thank God you got that out of your system' and treat me like they always did before. I think my mum has signed us all up for another 10k next summer and I don't even know if I'll be around to run it. Other friends are more cautious, ask a lot of questions, and occasionally I get the impression they think this second time round is me not being able to let go of some fantasy about living in a convent. Day to day, I mainly hang out with other people who are either monastics or trying to become monastics, and that's very affirming but can also make life quite narrow. So... yeah, you have my sympathy. I don't have any answers. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luigi Posted November 6, 2014 Share Posted November 6, 2014 (edited) I'd tell them, "Right. I won't be here in two years - all the more reason to do it now, while I can." You might also try, "Right. I won't be here in two years, but I won't be dead, either. I'll just be living in a convent." My mom remains friends with a woman she knew in college - Mom married and had a lot of kids, the other woman went in the convent and eventually did missionary work on another continent for a pretty long time. They wrote each other a couple of times a year. When she'd come back to the States for passport renewal & medical work, they'd always get together. And they picked their friendship up where they left off last time. Being friends - or relatives - isn't necessarily about hanging/partying together all the time. It's about your connection to the other person, your interest in them, your concern for them. And you don't have to be in frequent contact to maintain interest or concern. Tell 'em that! Edited November 6, 2014 by Luigi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antigonos Posted November 6, 2014 Share Posted November 6, 2014 (edited) To paraphrase Shakespeare [badly], "there's a tide in men's affairs..." Friendships, even very intense ones, wax and wane, go on hold for literally years at a time, and then sometimes suddenly flower again. Sometimes a friend simply "vanishes", or you find that what seemed to be a consuming mutual interest changes over time, and you and your friend simply no longer have anything to say to each other [this happens in marriages, too, btw, as the couple grow and mature and react to new situations differently] The much-vaunted "detachment" often discussed in religious life does also happen in life quite a lot generally. I can look back on a friendship which began over 30 years ago, and which now is far less intense, sometimes with years going by without contact but when we do get in touch, well, it's nice -- but it isn't earth-shaking any more, it's mellower. For several decades we were in daily contact. So it's entirely normal to wonder about whether one should disconnect -- or connect -- with people when discerning and thinking about a future separated from them. Edited November 6, 2014 by Antigonos Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vee Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 ... because you are discerning. I'm noticing this more & more... I haven't even been accepted anywhere yet, but what I keep hearing & experiencing is, "Well, you won't be here in two years so why would we do this now?" When I read this I had the thought that maybe they are hurt at the thought of you not being around. They then want to be the one to put up walls to distance themselves etc so it wont hurt so much. Kinda like "if youre gonna hurt me by not being around in the future Ill just hurt you now by not wanting to do things". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maximillion Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 I know this may seem very weird, but I can connect with something here that I am calling 'pre-loss'. I am experiencing this over my foster son....I feel a huge amount of grief that is almost kind of like an insurance policy against the future....feel it now so it wont be so bad later, when he may die. Its as if I am letting myself feel a little bit of the massive loss now, so it wont be so bad when it happens. Maybe some of your friends are experiencing this and acting on it.......maybe not even consciously. Dont know if any of that makes sense....prayers in any case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antigonos Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 Dear Maximillion, so good that you found the time to check in. I would have PM'd you if I could, to express my support for you at this very difficult time. Yes, it is a form of "survival mechanism" in that you can [hopefully] cope better with feelings of grief later, not that grief is ever easy nor is anyone ever really prepared for the death of a loved one. In Brandelynmarie's case, I suspect some of her friends are feeling "rejected" -- "aren't we good enough for her? Why is she 'disappearing'?" and, consciously or unconsciously, and distancing themselves from her as a means of coping with the "unwelcome" fact that she is considering religious life [which seems inexplicable to many people]. This happens in families, too. When I got married, in the US, because my mother's health did not permit her traveling to Israel, friends of my mother commiserated with her by saying, "How brave you are to let A. go so far away" -- in spite of the fact that I was 31 and had not lived with my parents since age 18, or even in the same city with them. Not a few of Mother's friends thought my marriage and move to Israel a form of "betrayal" although none of them would ever have said as much. BTW, as I have done with others, if you would give me your foster son's first name, and the first name of his mother [if you know it], I would be happy to put a prayer request in a crack of the Western Wall on his behalf [it's a Jewish custom] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maximillion Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 Thank you antigonos....his name is Aaron and his mum's name is Sue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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