Helicopter Parenting

[little2add]

Is that a bad thing?

[Credo in Deum]

I prefer plane, train, or automobile parenting.

[GregorMendel]

I dont know about helicopter parenting, but I do support the philosophy of the 'Tiger Mom'. My parents held my siblings and I to a very high standard growing up, and while that did involve a level of involvement I now recognize as somewhat intense, their support, guidance (and yes, discipline) produced a Division 1 cross country star, a Catholic missionary who overcame severe dyslexia to earn an MBA, and a soon to be Doctor :)

[Basilisa Marie]

I always thought helicopter parenting was when parents get so involved with what their kids are doing that they end up denying them opportunities to grow. They don't let their kids face challenges, struggle, or fail in low-consequence ways.  You see a lot of kids today that are products of helicopter parenting that either act like like they're entitled to top grades (see Harvard's terrible grade inflation problem) with little work, or are so afraid of failure because they've never really experienced before that if they fail, their world collapses.  Or they get to college and suddenly mom and dad aren't around to police you and do your homework for you, and the kid goes nuts with drinking and partying because they never developed good habits or virtues.  Granted, this is a HUGE generalization, and even the best parents can have a kid that makes poor decisions when they grow up, because kids will ultimately make their own decisions. 

 

But really, parenting is such a contentious and varied topic, that you really have to talk about specific behaviors and situations instead of broad terms like "helicopter parenting."  Because what might seem like being a helicopter or a tiger to one person might not seem that way to another.  And using broad categories like these tends to make it easier to unfairly pass judgment on parents. 

Edited November 8, 2014 by Basilisa Marie

[CatherineM]

I had to helicopter parent in St. Pete. With drug dealers on every street corner in our part of town, I always knew where they were, what they were doing and with whom. We did little league and Boy Scouts. Yet, I let them play in the mud, and if they got in trouble at school I didn't bring a lawyer with me to the principal's office. They were in trouble at home too.

[truthfinder]

I think the implication of helicopter parenting is more about trying to take as many obstacles out of the child's life as possible - not about knowing every movement they make.  

[StMichael]

I think the implication of helicopter parenting is more about trying to take as many obstacles out of the child's life as possible - not about knowing every movement they make.  

 

The term for clearing the path is snowplow parenting.

 

Helicopter, hovers over and acts when something happens, in many ways preventing it.

 

Snowplow, clear the path of any and all obstacles.

[little2add]

I think it has a lot to do with perception of the individual.  For example, when my wife criticized my daughter away at college for a low grade point average, she (my wife) was afraid that she (my daughter) might lose a grant. 

My daughter perceived it as calling her stupid and/or worse.

 

she (my daughter) took it totaly the wrong way, both my wife and daughter ended up a little angry, hurt and upset...

[Maggyie]

I can't say I really agree with these labels "helicopter" or "tiger" parenting etc. Everyone has an opinion about how kids should be raised and if you violate that in some way you're doing it wrong and we will slap a label on you. I think there are good parents, bad parents and Try Hard parents but otherwise...

[PhuturePriest]

This is generally what people are referring to when they speak of Helicopter Parents, and sadly they do exist.

 

 

Edited November 10, 2014 by FuturePacker

[PhuturePriest]

This link does a good job of explaining it and explaining why it's damaging: http://news.byu.edu/archive12-sep-helicopter.aspx

 

I've always had the benefit of being so independent and doing everything myself to the point that half the time, my parents don't even know what I'm doing until after the fact. I've scheduled a meeting with the vocation director of the diocese in hopes to begin the application process, called a religious community and set up an eight day trip, took the ACTs and studied for them, spoke on the phone with a college admissions office plus emails to see about applying there, and scheduled for two discernment events in the diocese, all without them knowing until after I had done it. Yesterday, I made plans to speak with the Bishop, the vocations director, another Bishop, another vocations director, and to have a meeting with a priest with the FSSP. Apparently, my parents didn't even know I was taking the ACTs again until last week when I informed them it was our last possible weekend to sign up.

 

I suppose this means I don't struggle with relying on my parents to do things for me. :|

[little2add]

This link does a good job of explaining it and explaining why it's damaging: http://news.byu.edu/archive12-sep-helicopter.aspx

I've always had the benefit of being so independent and doing everything myself to the point that half the time, my parents don't even know what I'm doing until after the fact. I've scheduled a meeting with the vocation director of the diocese in hopes to begin the application process, called a religious community and set up an eight day trip, took the ACTs and studied for them, spoke on the phone with a college admissions office plus emails to see about applying there, and scheduled for two discernment events in the diocese, all without them knowing until after I had done it. Yesterday, I made plans to speak with the Bishop, the vocations director, another Bishop, another vocations director, and to have a meeting with a priest with the FSSP. Apparently, my parents didn't even know I was taking the ACTs again until last week when I informed them it was our last possible weekend to sign up.

I suppose this means I don't struggle with relying on my parents to do things for me. :|

How sad for you
You don't trust your own mother

[truthfinder]

How sad for you
You don't trust your own mother

I don't think that's what FP is saying, but I don't want to put words into his mouth.  There is a difference between trusting your parents and being independent from them.

[little2add]

I don't think that's what FP is saying, but I don't want to put words into his mouth. There is a difference between trusting your parents and being independent from them.

On the surface, maybe

[PhuturePriest]

I don't think that's what FP is saying, but I don't want to put words into his mouth.  There is a difference between trusting your parents and being independent from them.

 

What is there not to trust them with? I don't rely on them to do things for me, but that doesn't mean I don't trust their judgement or something. They really like it, actually. They like that I'm mature enough to handle calling colleges and setting things up myself, and it makes them feel better that I don't have to rely on them to do what I should be able to on my own.

[Gabriela]

To the OP: Yes, it's a bad thing. And when the day comes that some helicopter parent calls me up, like they have my colleagues, to tell me that I must be an idiot because Johnny is a straight 'A' student and I stupidly gave him a 'B', I will gently place the phone back on the hook and go back to work.

 

Fortunately, that day isn't likely to come anytime soon, because they took all the phones out of the grad student offices. Right along with the dignity.

 

Budget cuts, you know.

 

Hard times.

[Gabriela]

(Mis)trust and (in)dependence are not the same thing. That's why we have two different words for them. I think I get where the equation comes from: In trusting God, we make ourselves totally dependent on Him. If we don't make ourselves totally dependent on Him, it's usually because of a trust issue.

 

And parents are kind of like God for children, so I can see where one would wish to extend the relationship. But I don't think it works (especially at FP's age), because our dependence on God is primarily an interior, spiritual dependence, not an external, material one. Sure, in a sense, God feeds me, but He does not lift the spoon every morning and play airplane with me to literally feed me my cereal. I do that myself (sans the airplane).

 

So, even though there certainly is some resemblance between the God–human and parent–child relationship, the analogy doesn't hold all the way. At some point, most of us leave our parents' home, and cease to tell them every detail of what we're doing, and I don't see why one wouldn't go ahead and begin to prepare for that time while still in one's parents' home. It isn't as if FP is holding wild parties while his parents are at work. The things he's doing aren't in any way disrespectful to his parents or a violation of their trust. He's just building his own future, which, in my opinion, is what all good parents want their kids to do. In fact, they make a point of raising kids to be able to do that.

 

So... I just don't see a problem.

[veritasluxmea]

If you are 21+ and your parents know every single detail of your life and what you're thinking before you act on it... You need new friends. It's one thing to bring up in discussion that you're thinking of asking so and so out or are looking for advice on an issue, another to run each decision by your parents for their approval. My mom always said her goal was to raise her kids to be responsible adults, not be the responsible adult for them. 

[little2add]

What is there not to trust them with? I don't rely on them to do things for me, but that doesn't mean I don't trust their judgement or something. They really like it, actually. They like that I'm mature enough to handle calling colleges and setting things up myself, and it makes them feel better that I don't have to rely on them to do what I should be able to on my own.

It sounds to me like you don't value there opinion

[Gabriela]

It sounds to me like you don't value there opinion

 

Your username is quite misleading.

 

Before judging a person and their family circumstances, you might at least ask some questions to clarify circumstances!