Before Anyone Asks...

[Nunsense]

I have been away while I worked things out in my head and heart. After much discernment with my wonderful spiritual director (a Benedictine contemplative nun) and a Carmelite priest, I discerned after three months as a postulant, that I did NOT have a vocation to religious life at this time, if I ever did. But that doesn't mean that each and every experience wasn't worth it and that I wasn't called at that moment in time to where I was.

 

I regret absolutely nothing of what has happened in my life during discernment, and despite all of the pain and suffering, there was much joy and peace as well, and I have finally decided that Jesus has His own plans for my life that do not include living in a structured religious environment with rigid rules and regulations, whether those be conservative or liberal. As Catherine of Sienna had to leave her home to work with the poor, so I too, have had to leave the convent, to work with the poor.

 

At the moment, I am living in the far north of Scotland, acting as Housekeeper/Manager of a hostel for homeless people who are sent here by the Council. I have been in Scotland for two weeks and although it is raw and rugged along this northern coastline, I love it already. My ancestors were from Scotland, so I have what is called an ancestry visa that allows me to live and work here, and I felt it was time to find out about the environment that shaped my ancestors.

 

The work isn't too hard physically, although there is a lot of cleaning and organising needed right now, since the last person in my job didn't really put her heart and soul into it. Slowly I am bringing order into the chaos, and the residents are, for the most part, lovely people. I have had the police here several times for various things, and one resident did get evicted for threatening to kill the owner of the property when she objected to him being high on drugs and kicking the h*ll out of everything in his room, but apart from that, I see human beings who are down on their luck and trying hard to pull themselves up again.Most of them are waiting for Council housing, but that can take time. I have seen a family leave to move into their new home, and they were delighted - and left their room spotless - very considerate of them. The drug addict left a mess that took hours to clean up.

 

The town is small but quaint and made of stones and cobblestones, which are so fascinating to an American/Australian who isn't used to so much feeling of  'history'. As it is a fishing village, almost all the men work either as fishermen, in the fish factories or on the oil rigs. The smell of fish is strong, but I love the smell of the sea. The place is cold and wet and windy right now, but not much worse than Melbourne in the winter. The owner of the property lives in a town about half an hour's drive away, so I am responsible 24/7 and have a CCTV in my room to keep an eye who comes and goes, for security purposes. 

 

There is a small but historical looking Catholic Church within walking distance and they have Sunday Mass at the sensible hour of 11.30am, so I can finally sleep in, although last Sunday, the police were banging at the door at 8am. Can't win, sometimes.

 

I pray the Office privately, but since I have been using the American version, I ordered a UK copy online, which should be delivered before Advent starts - that will be so much better, as I much prefer the UK Grail version of the psalms.

 

I have my crucifix over my bed, my picture of Jesus on the wall, my crucifix necklace and my private vows wedding ring. I still feel married to Christ and will always feel this way, God willing. I love him deeply, but as my recent spiritual director told me, "Religious life is changing.We don't know what it is becoming, so we don't know what it will be, but what it is now, may not always be." I feel that way about the Church and about religious life. There is change in the wind. The Truth will always remain constant, but how we express it has changed and will continue to change over time.

 

So, Barb's recent Home Mass with Private Vows might be an indication of how things will be in the future (or at least one version of how things will be). I can not be a hermit, because I have to earn a living. I can not be a CV because I have been married. I can not be a nun because my nature is not suited to that rigidity of lifestyle. I need to respond to the Spirit and to common sense as God reveals them to me.  Like Papa Francis, I want to see Christ in the poor and the needy, the unwanted and the homeless. Fortunately I also have time to pray and contemplate, as well as to spend with those who need help. I am a Carmelite in my heart, a Dominican in my thoughts and a Franciscan in my actions. And perhaps there is a little Benedictine in there as well since I manage this hostel!

 

I parted on the best of terms with my recent Carmelite community and we will all continue to pray for each other. They could see that I needed something different, and so could I. God expresses Himself in nature through so many different flowers, and not all are roses, or violets or peonies, etc. I see myself as a bougainvillea (which unfortunately does not grow here in Scotland) - but it is technically a weed, and it has thorns, but I adore seeing masses of it cascading all over the place, purple or orange or white or multi-coloured, as it does in Singapore and California. I am the weed with thorns, but God can make even that beautiful.

 

So, thank you all for your patience in putting up with my absence. I don't know how much I will post here any more, but perhaps when I see something that I want to comment on, I will do so.

 

All I can say now is that God loves each and every one of us in such a special way, that all we need to do is trust in Him, and He will come as close as we dare to let Him. I have nothing now BUT Him! And how beautiful that is. Jesus is Love Incarnate.

 

:love:

 

 

 

 

[Gabriela]

I am glad to see that you are experiencing peace on your new path, nunsense. May God continue to lead you toward perfect joy!

[be_thou_my_vision]

I can relate to your experience, nunsense. It's hard to feel a little homeless, although I am happily married now, I still feel called to some kind of hidden consecration. I can't quite find what that looks like right now.

Anyway, know of my prayers and companionship with you.

[TheresaThoma]

Nunsense. So good to hear from you. God certainly has many surprises up his sleeves. I'm glad that you have found a place to settle (at least for a bit). Prayers for you and those who you minister to.

[BarbTherese]

Hi nunsense...............It is absolutely wonderful to see you on Phatmass again and, as always, seeking God's Will no matter what that might be and every bit as much in love as ever.  Some saints, The Lord seems to have led by a path that had suffering, yes, but moreso great consolations too.  Others He has led by a path that has consolations, yes, but moreso great suffering.  "I do not ask to see the path ahead, one step enough for me" - and that is about the only way one can follow God's Will I think, assured one is indeed being led to holiness and this strikes me as your way of travelling.

But yet again, I am preaching to the converted!..............as I really very humbly hope and pray that one day I will learn to practise what I preach on the feeling level too.

I know you keep us in prayer, and I have been keeping you in mine daily by name.

 

Warm regards........Barb

PS As always a very interesting and descriptive post.  Thank you so much for sharing of your deepest self once more.  Take good care and you go, girl! :)

 

[fig]

Glad things are becoming clearer for you.
Your job will no doubt have its own rewards - and challenges !
One challenge may be understanding the Scottish accents of certain areas. Possibly Glasgow ? !

I love Scotland and have many happy memories of Youth Hosteling there in my teens.
A truly magnificent & beautiful country but you may need to learn to ski in the winter ....!

Enjoy your work, your church and the Scottish solitude.
Not easy when you are 'living on the job' so hope you have plenty of space & free time.
Take care of yourself Nunsense and spoil yourself occasionally !!


( Have a good Carmelite friend up there and there are amazing views from the monastery garden.)
I also stayed some years ago in a Benedictine monastery/school on the edge of Loch Ness.
Think it has gone now. Again the views were fantastic !! )

[puellapaschalis]

<OFF-TOPIC>

 

I also stayed some years ago in a Benedictine monastery/school on the edge of Loch Ness.
Think it has gone now. Again the views were fantastic !!

 

Being St. Benedict's Abbey, also known as Fort Augustus Abbey, with a slightly (!) more interesting history than the rest of the English Benedictine Congregation. It had been the intention to establish a separate Scottish Congregation but somehow it never took off. Fort Augustus was closed in 1998.

 

This was an interjection from your local nerd. Thank you for your patience.

 

</OFF-TOPIC>
 

[Cherie]

Nunsense, thank you for sharing that with us. I send my prayers and best wishes to you, and hope to continue seeing you here around Phatmass.

[Feankie]

Nonsense, glad you felt comfortable coming back and sharing. Prayers for this new chapter of your life.

[Feankie]

Oops, my auto correct changed it from Nunsense to Nonsense. Mea culpa

[TheresaThoma]

And nunsense a piece of advice about living where you work. Kick yourself completely out of the house at least one whole day a week. I've been in a similar situation and I burned out to the point of needing to leave because I wasn't taking care of myself properly. 

 

[Antigonos]

Amazingly, about 6 hours ago I said to myself, "wonder how Nunsense's doing?" and trying to figure out how I might contact you to ask.  So good to hear from you!

 

All the best, and yes, Scotland -- especially the Highlands -- is a wonderful place.  Keep us informed, please!

[marigold]

Good to hear about what you've been up to, nunsense, and glad you want to share it with us. Your location does sound... delightful :love: and I hope it brings you what you need.

[maximillion]

Lovely to hear from you and thanks for the update. Wishing you well and prayers for you nunsense....I echo what TT said about getting away from your living environment whenever you can to avoid burn out.

[beatitude]

Prayers for you. :) It sounds like you have found a wonderful place to be, and it seems from your post that you are at peace.

 

There are always secular institutes ;) (I feel like I must put in a word for my own crew here!), but I expect you will need some time to find your feet before looking into anything more.

[Nunsense]

I would love to respond to each post individually but honestly, I don't have time for that, so I will just say thank you to all for your lovely posts.

 

The good thing about the job is that I have a lovely, very large room, set up almost like an apartment, with double bed, sofa, TV, desk, CCTV monitor, plenty of wardrobes, cabinets, chests of drawers, coffee table, rug over wood floors, fridge, kettle, food cupboards, ensuite bathroom, etc. It is warm and cozy and very much like a little sanctuary for me. The residents can knock on the door, but they don't come in, I go out to them, so it is my 'safe place'.

 

Since I am here 24/7 I have to sleep here every night for security reasons, although I can go out during the day as necessary, which I do, as I have to make sure the kitchen is supplied with breakfast foods such as bread, milk, bacon and eggs, and a few other things - they do all their own cooking though and supply their own food for lunch and dinner. The actual work involves cleaning rooms when a resident moves out (they take care of their own rooms while they live here), offering them clean linen once a week and washing the soiled sheets and pillow cases, etc, and also cleaning the common areas like kitchen, laundry, and a few bathrooms (most of the residents have en-suite toilet/showers but there are three other bathrooms for the two or three rooms that don't have their own). I also get notified by the owner when the Council is going to send a new resident. For example, today she texted me that a family might be moving in, but then later she texted to say that they wouldn’t. If new residents come, I give them an orientation to the place, breakfast supplies, other cooking facilities, rules of the house, inform them of fire safety measure, how to use the washing machine and dryer, where to put rubbish and recycling, etc, etc. We haven’t had anyone new since the drug addict left so perhaps next week some new ones will come. It has been pretty quiet this past week which has been good for me because I have needed to do my own business duties, like getting a bus pass and library card, registering with the health centre, and informing various government agencies of my new address since I was last here (when I was at WV Carmel). And today I came back home to find that the royal Mail had tried to deliver my Divine Office book but I was out, so I had to go online and ask for a redelivery to my local post office. You know, all the little things that are involved in moving to a new place.

 

 I have been very busy trying to get some organisation back into the place this week as well, after much neglect, but I am not killing myself over it as I know that I can only get done what I can each day, and as each area is organised, there will be less and less work for me to do, just weekly maintenance. This means I will have plenty of time for myself. With the few exceptions (the drug addict springs to mind), most of the residents keep to their own rooms or go out during the day. They all have TVs and fridges and really, apart from running into them in the kitchen when they are cooking, or when I change their laundry once a week, or vacuum the hallways and stairs and clean the bathrooms, it can be a very quiet place, like a monastery where the nuns are each working in their cells! LOL 

 

Fig, I won't have to learn to ski because where I am, we don't get much snow. It is on the coastline and perhaps the winds coming off the water have something to do with it, but the locals tell me when we do get snow, it doesn't last. I lived in upstate New York for 2 years and also in Edmonton, Canada - now there you can talk about snow! The weather here seems much like Melbourne, with the main difference being that I am sure the summers won't be quite as hot.

 

The accents are a delight and remind me of my old Scottish aunties, who never 'lost' their accents despite all their years of living in Australia. I use them as proof to people who wonder why I haven't 'lost my American accent' - one can't lose an accent - they have to take on another one and I can't do the Australian one or the English, just as they couldn't. I think it has something to do with where one goes to school.

 

I do sometimes take on the American southern accent (I love the Alabama accent) when I spend too much time around someone from the south, but it's just such an infectious accent, I can't seem to help it, and I am sure that some people think I am making fun of their accent, when really, I just can't seem to help falling into the rhythm of the southern drawl- I love it. But I also love the Scottish one and for the most part I am ok with what they say, but when two of them get to talking very quickly to each other, using lots of slang, then I get lost along the way. I absolutely love the 'Aye' and 'Nae' though. I found myself saying aye the other day in a shop instead of yes, and it just felt so good! lol Maybe I will end up with a Scottish accent – it is a lot easier to copy than an English one.

 

Anyway, this all has nothing to do with Vocations, so I will stop here -- my Vocation now is a private one between God and myself, but I am praying for everyone who is interested in the priesthood, monastic or religious life, and hermits and CVs and anyone who simply wants to dedicate their life to God through Jesus. God calls each of us in a very special and unique way, and although I support the 'official' ways that one can give their life to God, I think it would be limiting to assume that God doesn't accept each and every person's offering, in whatever form they are able to make it. Sometimes a 'failed vocation' is simply a training ground for what God has planned for someone. I feel as if I have spent the last eight years in the 'university of religious life' in order to transform me into an instrument of God's will, with no supports but Him and no desire other than to please Him. Beatitude, I understand the attraction to secular institutes, but feel no call towards one, at least not now. There is something so special about feeling as if I belong to Jesus alone – just Him and me – and nothing else. I can’t wait until Monday, when I can pick up my Divine Office breviary because the one I am using just doesn’t lend it itself well to chanting, and I chant the Office as part of my daily prayers. That, and the Rosary are my main focus, and of course, the time I spend in quiet contemplation with Him alone.

 

Barb, you talk about consolations and suffering. We all experience suffering in this life, Catholic or non-Catholic-- it is part of being a human being. It's a necessary part of the shaping process. It isn't the suffering that matters, it is how we respond to it. And that doesn't mean there is a right way or a wrong way to respond- there is simply 'our way'  for each individual. God then uses that response to shape us even more. If anyone has ever seen a blacksmith shaping a horseshoe in a forge, that's the picture I get in my mind when I think of suffering. Into the heat, beat the horseshoe on the anvil for awhile, stick it into the cooling water. Back into the heat, shape by beating on the anvil some more, then into the cooling water. Of course horseshoes don't have feelings, as we do, but the point is that there is no end to suffering in this life – because when the shaping is completed, then God calls us home to Him. He is shaping us to be perfect for Him – not for anyone else, and not to conform to anyone else’s ideal.

 

The greatest blessing for me is that I have experienced the beauty of contemplation my whole life, even before I became a Catholic. I used to meditate for hours every day, and the experience was God to me, but God in a form that was impersonal and overwhelming. It is only since Jesus revealed  Himself to me in a ‘road to Damascus’ experience that God became personal for me, and now when I pray, contemplation is His gift of Himself to me – and we become one for that period of time. I can’t say that it has made me a better person or a more holy one, which is what is supposed to happen, I understand, but the gift He has given me, is to be able to trust in Him completely, which allows me to accept myself for the weak and sinful creature that I am without flinching or worrying about it. He makes up for what I lack, and I know I am loved. I know that each one of us is loved in the same way – completely and totally and without reservation of any kind. And He will never stop loving us either, no matter how hard we fight Him. Julian of Norwich said it so well when she quoted Jesus as saying ‘All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.’

 

If we have God in our corner, knowing that Jesus loves us and intercedes for us in every moment of our life on earth, then what have we to fear? Over and over and over again He shows me how much He loves me. My life is not without suffering, but even that is a joy in that it brings me closer to Him. The only thing that could be greater than knowing His love here on earth, would be to actually be with Him in heaven, face to face, and embracing Him with total abandonment.

 

Thank you all so much for you kind posts.

 

[AnneLine]

Nunsense, hadn't had a chance to drop in a few words (I'm just not on here much any more) but I also have been praying for you a lot over the last weeks, and it sounds like you are very much in the place God wants you.  what more could any of us ask for any of us?

 

Sometimes I think God is the Great Recycler... the things we would toss out without a thought He turns into things of such beauty....  none of this has been wasted time... it has been and continues to be your journey with your Beloved.   Move forward in love, my friend.  The call you are following is a very sacred one....  

 

Pray for us as we pray for you!!!!  

[Blessed&Grateful]

We get to see you more often! maybe that was His will all along.

 

:hehe2: