Loneliness In Discerning

[MarysLittleFlower]

I'm wondering if there are any good ways to deal with feeling some loneliness in discerning religious or consecrated life. I went through a time when I was just really happy about it all and after going through some trials/difficulties I began to struggle more with fear. Now when people at work are talking about marriage or most people around me seem to marry or be in relationships, I just feel a type of loneliness in my discernment or like I'm somehow weird - which I don't agree with rationally. I dont know why and maybe its a temptation but i start feeling like how 'the world' might see it all - as someone not 'normal' because i dont want any relationship and give myself to God. It doesn't make me be drawn to marriage but its just some sort of emotional suffering. Has anyone gone through this and how do you deal with it? Before I just felt joy and now there are times of joy and peace too but also this. I am not expecting constant consolation and I know its not about feelings, but its often there and its really kind of exhausting in a way. I even dread going to work because of this. When i come closer to Jesus He helps but then it comes back. Any advice? :)

Edited January 20, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[nikita92]

Have you tried talking to your SD about experiancing these times of loneliness?
I truely believe our Loving God would not want us to feel "weird" in any way, as we seek our path to him!
However, you are not alone in experiancing these things!

[Spem in alium]

Yes, I've been there often. I would also second speaking to your SD, or to someone else you trust. What helped me a lot, and continues to help, is remembering how alone Jesus really was - despised and rejected by His own people, and deeply misunderstood - and thus, how much He understands what I am feeling. Stay close to Him. Ask Him to stay close to you! Fear is natural when making a significant life change. I suggest you approach your fears in prayer, consider where they are coming from, and ask the Lord for courage. There will be periods of fear and loneliness along every journey, but I think the key is our attitude towards them. I'll be praying for you. 

 

[marigold]

Oh, I just want to hug you, MLF! I go through this too, it comes and goes. Over time (can you believe I've been trying to become a nun for the last ~6yrs or so!?) people have said things, or I've read something or realised something in prayer, which doesn't make it go away, but makes me understand it more, and better able to bear it.

 

An example that really stands out is when I read In This House of Brede. Cecily, one of the young ones, really struggles with coming to terms with not marrying and having babies; there's a moving scene with her standing looking out across the monastery grounds to the town and realising she's never going to hold a baby in her arms. I think it's about the family aspect but it's also her coming to terms with always being different; the option of marrrying the guy and being normal looks very tempting for a while and she gets quite confused, asking to leave and then asking to move to a stricter monastery. It was very well done and helped me when I remembered it years after first reading it.

 

Another example from that novel is when one of the older nuns thinks to herself about the fact that monastic life is a sacrifice and that it doesn't fulfil all our needs in this life, despite some people trying to say that it somehow 'mystically' does. (Kind of reminds me of that comment that if the Pope says it's raining and it's not raining, then it must be raining 'spiritually'!) We are weird; when abandoning everything else for Christ stops being a scandal (to others and even ourselves) then maybe we have to think about whether something has gone wrong. You said you don't particularly feel those losses now; maybe you will in time or maybe you won't, I don't know. But it strikes me as being so unbelievably normal and healthy and indicative of human sensitivity that you do feel like the odd one out sometimes. Congratulations, you are alive!

 

Bottom line: you have an amazing bunch of people here who are going through the same things as you, and I know at least I love hearing about what other people are going through and giving them rambly advice, so keep it coming! (Just kidding...) (Not really kidding...) Put that oddness and loneliness into your prayer, into doing really good things for others, into being hopeful and looking forward to when you are in a community of other amazing women like you who are odd ones out too. Feel free to chat to me privately if you want :)

[katherineH]

I can certainly relate to what you're going through.  Community has been so vital in my process and it wasn't until I met another young woman in discernment that I was able to articulate and admit to myself that I was discerning.  I am a part of a woman's discernment group which has been wonderful.  It's just a small group of us, but together we've visited communities and gone on retreats.  Being together has helped normalize discernment and assuage that feeling of being weird.  The Daughters of Charity have a google hangout meeting once a month with their discerners.  I've only attended once but was a great experience and I look forward to participating again in the future.  I've asked vocation directors to put me in touch with other discerners with their communities and that's been helpful as well - just so we can bounce ideas and thoughts off of one another. 

 

I'm tackling this from a very practical side, whereas marigold and spem in alium have addressed more of the heart and soul issues :) May I ask what geographical area you're in?

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thanks so much for the replies everyone!! :) it does help to talk about it. I have an SD but I haven't been able to meet with him yet about this. Yes maybe before I didn't experience this very much though I felt the sacrifice of leaving family and other things... But lately its been more emotional suffering. Its wanting to give yourself only to God yet asking the question if He wants this too, and for some reason feeling very alone in discernment even though I know others are discerning. Being in a group of married women with kids increases it a lot because I'm not just the unmarried one - but the one who is discerning another state of life. Even thinking of being united with Christ in such a beautiful way, at those times makes me feel like I'm 'different' and no one would understand unless they also discerned. Its like an article I read about a CV where it described her consecration and people who didn't know saw it as a 'wedding without a groom' - but certainly the CV herself shouldn't see it that way! Just as an analogy though I'm not a CV and discerning another type of consecrated life. It definitely is a sacrifice. Jesus has been very kind.. But when I look at others, its a suffering. I've just been trying to bear it. Thanks for the advice :) I guess this is part of the Cross! I will think about how Our Lord felt misunderstood. That is a great idea!

Edited January 20, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[MarysLittleFlower]

A discernment group can definitely be helpful! That's why I post here perhaps... I live in Canada. Not sure if there's anything like that here. I know a couple girls who are discerning but I haven't really talked about this.

[MarysLittleFlower]

I forgot to say, Marigold I know which book you mean!! :) I have it though like many of my books it is still unfinished... I really liked it though. Now I think I should read it through when I get it from my parents place :)