sr.christinaosf Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Not to say that its not good to be well-rounded and have experiences....but I think of our sisters who came to our academy, were "candidates," postulants, novice and made vows...they never dated and yet became good sisters... When I was looking into religious life, someone encouraged me to try dating as I hadn't done so before. My feeling is/was...If you truly know who you want to marry (Jesus), why mess around and waste your time with dating? Maybe I'm off, but that is how I felt. Fr. Dubay's book, ...And You Are Christ's might provide more insight into this. I just finished reading it again and wrote a little review of it.
marigold Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I love that this topic was posted because I have more courage to respond to it than I would have to post it myself. To the OP, I am quite similar to yourself in that I have never had a boyfriend. I'm 25 (getting close to 26) and I have literally only been on one date in my life. The only reason that happened was that it was a blind date and I didn't have any good reason to say no to the person who set us up. I've actually had a lot of anxiety about this recently because I worried that religious communities would be hesitant to consider me for entrance if I hadn't experienced that aspect of life. I have definitely been attracted to guys but they were either unavailable or uninterested in me. Besides all of that, as much as marriage and children sounds beautiful, I just don't think I would be happy in that state of life. I couldn't devote as much time to prayer or volunteering as I can now. One of my former coworkers used to constantly ask me if I was dating anyone and it was always so uncomfortable because we worked together for 3 years and my answer was always a resounding 'no'. I'm sure my friends and family have talked about me and the fact that I never bring any guys around. I don't doubt that I could meet a man that I'm genuinely interested in and have a relationship with him but so far it hasn't happened. I also have tried online dating and have communicated with guys but never actually had a date with any of them. But I can honestly say that my desire for religious life is not because I feel like nobody would ever want to date/marry me; I'm not making God a consolation prize. I can't imagine anything in this world fulfilling me more than living completely for Him. Nevertheless I definitely have insecurities about my lack of experience in the dating world because it seems like it's something that everybody should want and even though I'm okay with being single, most other people aren't. Thanks for posting this! It's nice to know I'm not alone Glad you felt you could share a bit! I'm neither a religious community nor a guy, but I think you're great! There's nothing wrong with you at all that I've picked up on. And I'm pleased that things are so simple for you; it's a valuable example to those of us (ahem) who linger on the sidelines and take longer to repent...
MarysLittleFlower Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) Not to say that its not good to be well-rounded and have experiences....but I think of our sisters who came to our academy, were "candidates," postulants, novice and made vows...they never dated and yet became good sisters... When I was looking into religious life, someone encouraged me to try dating as I hadn't done so before. My feeling is/was...If you truly know who you want to marry (Jesus), why mess around and waste your time with dating? Maybe I'm off, but that is how I felt. Fr. Dubay's book, ...And You Are Christ's might provide more insight into this. I just finished reading it again and wrote a little review of it. Its a great book! and thats exactly why I have chosen not to date too and to me it makes sense! I love that this topic was posted because I have more courage to respond to it than I would have to post it myself. To the OP, I am quite similar to yourself in that I have never had a boyfriend. I'm 25 (getting close to 26) and I have literally only been on one date in my life. The only reason that happened was that it was a blind date and I didn't have any good reason to say no to the person who set us up. I've actually had a lot of anxiety about this recently because I worried that religious communities would be hesitant to consider me for entrance if I hadn't experienced that aspect of life. I have definitely been attracted to guys but they were either unavailable or uninterested in me. Besides all of that, as much as marriage and children sounds beautiful, I just don't think I would be happy in that state of life. I couldn't devote as much time to prayer or volunteering as I can now. One of my former coworkers used to constantly ask me if I was dating anyone and it was always so uncomfortable because we worked together for 3 years and my answer was always a resounding 'no'. I'm sure my friends and family have talked about me and the fact that I never bring any guys around. I don't doubt that I could meet a man that I'm genuinely interested in and have a relationship with him but so far it hasn't happened. I also have tried online dating and have communicated with guys but never actually had a date with any of them. But I can honestly say that my desire for religious life is not because I feel like nobody would ever want to date/marry me; I'm not making God a consolation prize. I can't imagine anything in this world fulfilling me more than living completely for Him. Nevertheless I definitely have insecurities about my lack of experience in the dating world because it seems like it's something that everybody should want and even though I'm okay with being single, most other people aren't. Thanks for posting this! It's nice to know I'm not alone I don't think theres anything wrong with that at all! I've also wondered this about myself then thought... i have a friend who married her first boyfriend and no one seemed to mind and they have a great relationship. So if we already know we want to love God in this exclusive way - why the need to date? I think today treatdating as a way to feel like you are worthy of love, instead to discern marriage. In the world its like that but sometimes it affectsChristians. There's nothing wrong with you and not only can others relate but so can various Saints Ah sorry for the typos - its my phone and now I can't edit Edited August 5, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower
MarysLittleFlower Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I used to have feelings of being 'second rate' from not having a boyfriend but Jesus doesn't make us feel that way, so, who cares what people say I should also restate my previous unreadable sentence: I think its common today to treat dating as a way to feel like you are worthy of love, instead to discern marriage.
Gabriela Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 I think its common today to treat dating as a way to feel like you are worthy of love, instead to discern marriage. Amen. Well said! It's so sad that people need to have it proven to them that they are worthy of love. Alas, I was one of those people...
AuthorOfMyLife Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 Wow, I appreciate all these wonderful responses! I would like to reply to each one, but I think I would write a book, so I won't! I have read "...And You Are Christ's" and I LOVED it. I should read it again! I am glad to hear that no dating experience wouldn't be a red flag (so to speak) for a community! I guess one thing is that in the past I have felt a bit silly for thinking of myself as choosing not to date--when, actually, no one was asking, so it wasn't really a choice issue! However, on the other hand, I did choose to explore the possibility, I just did that online because I didn't really know any young Catholic men. I chose to talk with various men and try to get to know them better. One of the young men I talked with is now a good friend (who knows how I feel about marriage). So I suppose I'm not completely inexperienced! And yes, absolutely, that idea that people wanting to date you means proving you are worth loving was a key to a certain amount of depression I used to feel about the subject. However, that's a really terrible reason to date! I think that we can actually defend marriage when we explain why we don't want to marry. I mean, describing the true purposes of marriage, and how important raising a holy family is, etc. and then explaining that we don't feel called to do these things (wonderful as they are) might actually help people understand what marriage really is and what it isn't.
Gabriela Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 I think that we can actually defend marriage when we explain why we don't want to marry. I mean, describing the true purposes of marriage, and how important raising a holy family is, etc. and then explaining that we don't feel called to do these things (wonderful as they are) might actually help people understand what marriage really is and what it isn't. Absolutely. And a very positive, healthy way to view the situation, IMO.
MarysLittleFlower Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 That makes a lot of sense! I've been trying to think.what is a spiritual reason not to want to marry? If someone wants to love God completely and as they examine this, they seem to want to love Him exclusively is that a reason? For example husbands and wives are called to help bring each other closer to God. What if someone wants there to just be God, to love Him alone, so He takes the place of Spouse and becomes everything to the soul?
marigold Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 That makes a lot of sense! I've been trying to think.what is a spiritual reason not to want to marry? If someone wants to love God completely and as they examine this, they seem to want to love Him exclusively is that a reason? For example husbands and wives are called to help bring each other closer to God. What if someone wants there to just be God, to love Him alone, so He takes the place of Spouse and becomes everything to the soul? You know the answer to this one
MarysLittleFlower Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) Yea... lol I'm second guessing everything I think Edited August 7, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower
orapronobis Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 , and I work from home (I am an artist and embroiderer, and I sell the items I make, which are mostly religious items, on Etsy). Just wondering, can you provide the link for your Etsy? Sounds like the kind of stuff I'd buy!
MarysLittleFlower Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Just wondering, can you provide the link for your Etsy? Sounds like the kind of stuff I'd buy! I'd be interested too!
beatitude Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I just want to say I ordered an embroidered scapular from AuthorOfMyLife, and it is BEAUTIFUL. I'm attaching a photo. My scapular has the Sacred Heart on one side and the Immaculate Heart on the other, so I like to put it on after I've finished my morning meditation and offering (I pray the simple traditional "Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you" several times). Her shop is here. She has a beautiful ministry.
AuthorOfMyLife Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 I just want to say I ordered an embroidered scapular from AuthorOfMyLife, and it is BEAUTIFUL. I'm attaching a photo. My scapular has the Sacred Heart on one side and the Immaculate Heart on the other, so I like to put it on after I've finished my morning meditation and offering (I pray the simple traditional "Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you" several times). Her shop is here. She has a beautiful ministry. Thank you so much, Beatitude! You were my very first customer when I was a brand new and very nervous Etsy seller, and I was (and still am) very grateful for that first purchase! I'm so happy to see your scapular is still in good shape! (You must take very good care of it). Thank you for linking to my shop, too. I would have done that, but I didn't want to be self-advertising too much (lol)! I know there aren't any scapulars in my shop at the moment (to see what kind of scapulars I sell anyone who is interested might check the "sales" page here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/StellaMarigoldArt/sold?ref=shopinfo_sales_leftnav), but I have about twenty scapulars and medals ready to list! I'm just waiting to hear back from someone, and then I will make them available.
MarysLittleFlower Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Oooh I've seen your page before! the scapulars are beautiful! I remember looking at them. I would love to buy one someday when I have spending money again lol :D by the way I'm happy to see someone doing embroidery.I like all those sort of things too
AuthorOfMyLife Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 Oooh I've seen your page before! the scapulars are beautiful! I remember looking at them. I would love to buy one someday when I have spending money again lol :D by the way I'm happy to see someone doing embroidery.I like all those sort of things too Thank you! I love all kinds of arts and crafts (sadly, there isn't enough time for all of them), but I especially love embroidering these items. I have really been inspired by antique French and Mexican fabric "shrines" (they are just gorgeous). Anyway, in contradiction to my earlier post, NOW there are scapulars in the shop! I just listed some new ones (and some new medals) this morning.
Lilllabettt Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 I used to tell people I didn't want to get married. And then 99% of the time they would say "oh, of course you do" or "you just haven't met the right person yet." Ugh it fills me up with incandescent rage just thinking of it. Because 1. Annoying 2. Way to be dismissive and basically tell a girl she don't know what she's talking about and 3. Just UGH. UGH UGH UGH. Don't ever say that kind of thing to a girl who says "I don't want to get married" or "I don't want to have kids" or "I don't want to buy a house" or whatever. It's cruel and just a bush league move.
beatitude Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 I used to tell people I didn't want to get married. And then 99% of the time they would say "oh, of course you do" or "you just haven't met the right person yet." Ugh it fills me up with incandescent rage just thinking of it. Because 1. Annoying 2. Way to be dismissive and basically tell a girl she don't know what she's talking about and 3. Just UGH. UGH UGH UGH. Seconding you on the 'ughs'. My parents do this to me from time to time. A couple of years ago I thought they had finally got it - my dad remarked, "I think you're happy on your own", but before I could celebrate too much, he ruined it with, "I didn't expect to meet anyone either until your mum came along." They were married in their mid-thirties and I think they expect something similar to occur to me. It annoys me like heck. If someone says, "I really want to be married one day", no one goes, "Are you SURE about that? Well, I used to think I wanted to be married, but then I..." I might try this line the next time I get "you'll change your mind someday" from an unmarried person.
MarysLittleFlower Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 I used to tell people I didn't want to get married. And then 99% of the time they would say "oh, of course you do" or "you just haven't met the right person yet." yup its pretty annoying though they mean well. I don't know how to explain that - "REALLY I don't. Really. " what a convincing argument.
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