i don't get it..

[MarysLittleFlower]

I know this topic has been discussed before but I still don't understand. Its regarding an only child being a religious. I was reading the blog of Vultus Christi and looked up the vocations page for the community that the priest is part of, and it says there the men should not be responsible for care of elderly parents. Before I've been told that an only child could be a religious but I don't understand how and HOW would the parents be taken care of? I realize many would say "it depends on the community" which is true, but while I'm waiting to ask communities I get really anxious about this and it affects my discernment. What are the possible options? Especially for less active communities. I know its been done and there's a Blessed, Dina Belanger, who grew up an only child and became a nun (her brother passed away in infancy). But what about the blog vocations page comment and also the stories I've heard of people who were denied entrance based on this. And I just don't really understand what could be done in a more traditional contemplative community - is that not an option then? This is just really affecting my discernment though I'm trying to trust God. Thank you! 

[chrysostom]

I think the key is that it asks about something in the present tense - "are you responsible for the care of aged parents?" but not the future tense - "might you be responsible for the care of aged parents at some hypothetical point?"  If the discerner in question is at this very point in time in a situation where his parents depend on him for care and material support, then obviously leaving them for the monastery without finding an alternative solution for their care would leave them stranded.  That's the specific situation the vocations page mentions, and so if you are not presently taking care of your parents it doesn't matter if you are an only child or not, that should not be an impediment.

[Luigi]

It may also depend - if the community does consider the future possibility - on the parents' financial status.

If the parents have good income, good savings, productive investments, good insurance, living wills on file with a lawyer, pre-paid funeral plans, and so forth, then the only child might have to make some medical decisions at some point in the future, but s/he wouldn't necessarily need time away from the community to care for the aging parents. And the only child would certainly not have to give up religious life (for a year or two or however long) to earn money to pay the parents' medical bills and funeral expenses.

It's easier to take up a life of poverty if you come from a wealthy family.

Edited November 16, 2015 by Luigi

[MarysLittleFlower]

My family doesn't have any of those savings and unless I save up money for them prior to entering, it might be an impediment I also have to pay off my loans and I'm already almost 30, and most communities of the type I'm interested in consider only up to 35. I honestly don't know if this would ever be possible for me. In order for me to be a religious, I'd need to pay off my student loans, save up money for my family, figure out a good way for them to be safe and taken care of in old age, before I'm 30. Plus I'm an only child from a non Catholic family who really want me to marry. I almost feel like I have a desire for something impossible with too many obstacles and I don't understand why  it would be a miracle 

I suppose its possible for me to somehow find the money for my loans and family and for God to help me find a way for them to be safe in old age and help them to accept my decision. But not humanly possible. 

Maybe God would want me to live some consecrated life in the world. I have dreamed of religious life for so long that it would be like grieving for something. I hope I would still do God's Will joyfully. I am trying to remember that His Will is best. I need strength though just to do it one day at a time. I'm about to start work and I just wish I.could hide from everyone and cry. Lol! I have to do my duty though so I'm just offering this up. Please say a prayer for me  

Edited November 16, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[Sr Mary Catharine OP]

Whoa! Relax! Don't read more into a particular communities' requirements than what is listed and if you are not entering that particular community it really has no bearing on your own vocation!

The reason why some communities do not accept persons who don't have brothers and sisters is because children do have a responsibility to their parents and if there is no other sibling who can help them when they are old than you, a monk or nun, in a cloistered monastery may need to have a period of exclaustration in order to care or provide for their care. Some monasteries don't find this fits in with the way they live monastic life. Others are more adaptable.

When you are 20 you don't really think much about this but when you get older and your parents are old and ill it is a huge concern.For example, my mother is not well and could die any day. (She isn't actively dying right now but she could very easily die in her sleep.) Thankfully, my community allows us to visit our parents when they are old and ill and I go up to see my mom 2x a year just for a brief visit. I have more phone calls than I used to as well. I have an older sister but well.... I am grateful because being old in today's culture can be frightening for people. And my being more in contact with them helps me obtain the care and support that they need through reaching out to people back where they live, etc.

Charity is the 1st law of the Gospel.

[vee]

I may be wrong but the real current problem, as I see it, is that you have debt.  I understand you are working towards paying it off but dont let that stop you from contacting communities you are interested in.  You can contact and get to know communities even though you may not have all your ducks in a row to be able to enter, so why dont you do that soon?  Send out any letters of introduction you may have been holding off on and go from there.  God knows where He wants you and what He wants you do to so keep taking steps towards seeking that out and let Him worry about the future details. 

[Sr Mary Catharine OP]

I may be wrong but the real current problem, as I see it, is that you have debt.  I understand you are working towards paying it off but dont let that stop you from contacting communities you are interested in.  You can contact and get to know communities even though you may not have all your ducks in a row to be able to enter, so why dont you do that soon?  Send out any letters of introduction you may have been holding off on and go from there.  God knows where He wants you and what He wants you do to so keep taking steps towards seeking that out and let Him worry about the future details. 

Correct! There are possible ways to reduce your debt.

[marigold]

God is God and you are not. We can worry so much about fixing our own lives that we stop believing that he can and will fix everything for us. We try to do his job. And we make ourselves ill doing it, because it's not natural for us! But Christ says 'Fear not, little flock'.

So if we realise there is something that we can't change or affect in any way, I'm afraid we just have to pass it on to him to deal with. And the things we CAN affect, those are the things we work on. For example, you can't change the fact you're an only child. But as others are saying, you could pay off your debt, even bit by tiny bit, right?

I hope you are able to think about other things at work and don't have your day consumed by these worries, MLF  Maybe you can try to focus on the very good point that chrysostom made? I thought it was expressed really well, and I hadn't thought of it that way before.

[Gabriela]

If you know it depends on the community, then why are you placing so much stock in one community's website? Not every page you read on the web has total authority over the whole Catholic world.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thank you everyone I do have a plan for my loans... And because of that, it feels sort of more realistic. The situation with my family tends to stress me out more because there's nothing I could do about it and I can't see a solution. If I pay off my loans, I still have to deal with the fact that I don't know how my parents would be supported in old age without any other family here as we are immigrants. I remember hearing here on VS about a community that allowed someone's elderly father to live in a little house near the monastery and be more taken care of that way. As Sr Mary Catherine mentioned some communities may allow the sister to visit the parents more, but I honestly don't know if the communities I have been most drawn to discerning with would allow this. I had something really contemplative in mind. Yet I love my parents and want them to be taken care of. Also I'm worried about my mom becoming really depressed without me even if I can visit her more. I need to spend some time in prayer just to have more peace and trust on this! I agree I worry too much  

[marigold]

Thank you everyone I do have a plan for my loans... And because of that, it feels sort of more realistic. The situation with my family tends to stress me out more because there's nothing I could do about it and I can't see a solution. If I pay off my loans, I still have to deal with the fact that I don't know how my parents would be supported in old age without any other family here as we are immigrants. I remember hearing here on VS about a community that allowed someone's elderly father to live in a little house near the monastery and be more taken care of that way. As Sr Mary Catherine mentioned some communities may allow the sister to visit the parents more, but I honestly don't know if the communities I have been most drawn to discerning with would allow this. I had something really contemplative in mind. Yet I love my parents and want them to be taken care of. Also I'm worried about my mom becoming really depressed without me even if I can visit her more. I need to spend some time in prayer just to have more peace and trust on this! I agree I worry too much  

I think it just really needs to be worked out with a real, actual community. Pray for trust, and work on becoming closer friends with the communities you're interested in. It's not on you. The community will be able to give at least as much input as you on this issue, if not more. You don't have to handle it all alone beforehand.

[elizabeth09]

It is noted that you love both your parents. 

It may also depend - if the community does consider the future possibility - on the parents' financial status.

If the parents have good income, good savings, productive investments, good insurance, living wills on file with a lawyer, pre-paid funeral plans, and so forth, then the only child might have to make some medical decisions at some point in the future, but s/he wouldn't necessarily need time away from the community to care for the aging parents. And the only child would certainly not have to give up religious life (for a year or two or however long) to earn money to pay the parents' medical bills and funeral expenses.

It's easier to take up a life of poverty if you come from a wealthy family.

I agree.  But take note when they are ill and everything else.  Maybe let the Mother Superior know before hand.

My family doesn't have any of those savings and unless I save up money for them prior to entering, it might be an impediment I also have to pay off my loans and I'm already almost 30, and most communities of the type I'm interested in consider only up to 35. I honestly don't know if this would ever be possible for me. In order for me to be a religious, I'd need to pay off my student loans, save up money for my family, figure out a good way for them to be safe and taken care of in old age, before I'm 30. Plus I'm an only child from a non Catholic family who really want me to marry. I almost feel like I have a desire for something impossible with too many obstacles and I don't understand why  it would be a miracle 

I suppose its possible for me to somehow find the money for my loans and family and for God to help me find a way for them to be safe in old age and help them to accept my decision. But not humanly possible. 

Maybe God would want me to live some consecrated life in the world. I have dreamed of religious life for so long that it would be like grieving for something. I hope I would still do God's Will joyfully. I am trying to remember that His Will is best. I need strength though just to do it one day at a time. I'm about to start work and I just wish I.could hide from everyone and cry. Lol! I have to do my duty though so I'm just offering this up. Please say a prayer for me  

It is hard. But then again, God works in His own time.  

[NadaTeTurbe]

Did you look into the Adorers of the Royal Heart of Jesus ? They are contemplative, with some little apostolate (sewing, retreats, cooking for the seminary of the ICKSP), but not cloistered (with a cloistered spirit), and they have the Traditional Latin Mass. You may be interested. 

Outside of that... Like other people said, nothing is better than real contact with a community  

[Swami Mommy]

MLF, as I recall from a different thread you started, the main obstacle to your entering an order is that your parents will not have enough money for their retirement years because they do not have adequate savings, a company pension, or social security benefits to rely upon due to their immigrant status.  If you are their only child, I would think that ANY community would feel that you have a familial responsibility to be there for them in a financial way throughout the remainder of their lives, unless they are willing to live on welfare and give you their blessing to become a religious regardless of the privation it will cause them.  Unless you win the lottery (Please, God!), or are willing to accept that your parents may very well be destitute in their old age without your financial support, then it would seem to me that regardless of your desire to live in a religious community, it may not be in the cards for you.  Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and we have to learn to accept our fate and grieve for our lost dreams.  Or not.  The choice of how well you surrender to how life is unfolding for you and work with the lessons it offers is up to you.  

[MarysLittleFlower]

Well I don't know what to do about that what if I saved up some money for them? I am having difficulty just going on right now if I have to give this up. God's Will be done... But this has been my only dream for years. I have nothing else that I want to.do except to love God in this exclusive way through consecrated life and I have always felt drawn to contemplative life. Maybe I'm supposed to be in the world and was mistaken about the contemplative part. Or I'd find a way to support my family... I don't know  

[MarysLittleFlower]

I am trying to remember that God has a plan for me but it feels like I have no place in this world at all or even the Church. I have decided not to marry, and now I may not be a religious, and theres no form of consecrated life in the world that I felt was a fit for me, I have always felt drawn to contemplative life for certain reasons in my spiritual life. Maybe it would be in the world and I just don't see that now. I feel like a random person who fits nowhere..  I just never felt so strongly like this earth is a place of exile as I do now, and I don't see anything in my life except a cross, and I need the grace to carry it. Im sorry for being so dramatic i dont know how to explain 

Edited November 17, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[vee]

Calm down and take things one day at a time!  You are trying to guess the future too much when we really dont know what it holds.  WE ahve the year of mercy coming up and what is written on the bottom of the divine mercy image?  JESUS I TRUST IN YOU!  Trust Him!  All that matters is that we are doing His will and on the path that will lead to our utmost holiness and the salvation of souls. 

[Swami Mommy]

MLF,  How old are your parents and what is their estimated age expectancy based on your extended family trends?  How much additional money per year do you guess they would need beyond their own financial earning capacity at this point in their careers in order to live modestly but comfortably for the number of additional years you estimate that they might live?  How long do you realistically think it would take for you to save up that total amount?  

How is your parents' health?  Do they have health insurance with a low deductible and low copays that they can rely on in case of a serious, unexpected illness that could wipe out their savings?  How secure is their housing situation?  How worried are THEY that they won't have enough to live on?  Have they expressed any hope or expectation that you will be around to help them in their old age, or are these worries based on your own concerns?

 

 

 

[MarysLittleFlower]

I agree with trusting God and that His Will is all that matters... I think I have trouble taking it one day at a time but the reasons are complicated... I'll try to speak with my SD how to do this. 

MLF,  How old are your parents and what is their estimated age expectancy based on your extended family trends?  How much additional money per year do you guess they would need beyond their own financial earning capacity at this point in their careers in order to live modestly but comfortably for the number of additional years you estimate that they might live?  How long do you realistically think it would take for you to save up that total amount?  

How is your parents' health?  Do they have health insurance with a low deductible and low copays that they can rely on in case of a serious, unexpected illness that could wipe out their savings?  How secure is their housing situation?  How worried are THEY that they won't have enough to live on?  Have they expressed any hope or expectation that you will be around to help them in their old age, or are these worries based on your own concerns?

 

 

 

They are in their 60s.. healthcare is not private where we live so its free. They're trying to make housing situation more stable. Its true that their pension would be very low, they arent asking me to support them but i cant see another way. Even if i became a religious i would need to save up money for them i think. 

Edited November 17, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[Swami Mommy]

MLF,  Most young people who haven't yet settled into their lives feel like they don't fit anywhere.  Your feelings of longing and confusion are pretty common in one's twenties and early thirties.  I didn't start really feeling like I was expressing the fullness of my heart until I was in my forties!  Life unfolds slowly and often takes many meandering pathways until it finds the course one's soul is meant to follow that will best teach it what it needs to know.  Everything is happening perfectly for your ultimate good and upliftment.  Trust the process and have patience.  Don't focus on the future or regret the past--just take life day by day and do the best you can to open your heart and keep it open even in the face of disappointment, obstacles or fear.  Don't worry--God has your back!

Edited November 17, 2015 by Swami Mommy