Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Housemate

[beatitude]

I share an apartment with one other woman (it belongs to her). We weren't friends before I moved in, but found each other on a houseshare website. We still aren't what I'd consider proper friends, but most of the time we're on friendly terms - we're pleasant to each other, we chat, and once or twice we've had some really long fun conversations.

At other times, she can be moody and passive-aggressive - not greeting me when I come in even if she's right by the door, replying to any effort at conversation with monosyllables and in a blank tone of voice, storming around the flat at high speed and tidying up areas I've just been in, etc. I don't know if this is because she's annoyed at me specifically or because she's just in a bad mood.

I tried speaking to her about it the last time this happened. She was cleaning the kitchen and the bathroom very ostentatiously as soon as I'd finished using them, so I asked if I wasn't cleaning thoroughly enough or she would prefer me to clean in another way. She said no, not to worry, she's just obsessive about cleaning. She stopped doing it then - but since then I've noticed that this behaviour resurfaces periodically, and is usually combined with a cold attitude towards me. This is no longer worrying me, but it is irritating me. I have a stressful PhD and a stressful job and the last thing I need is stress in the home. Does anyone have strategies for dealing with this type of thing from a housemate, when direct questioning hasn't worked?

[Spem in alium]

That would be really stressful for you. Do you know if she cleans or does this kind of thing when she herself is particularly stressed or anxious about something? Did she explain to you why she cleans, or did she just say it was an obsession of hers? If it's periodic behaviour, it may be caused by an outside pressure on her, and if she's stressed about something that may be why she's being short and cold with you. Maybe, if you feel comfortable and think it's appropriate, you could try gently asking her why she feels she needs to clean. 

Another thing you could do is suggest making a roster of cleaning jobs (if you don't have one already). That way, she may be encouraged only to clean on certain days/times. That may be worth discussing with her. 

[beatitude]

Spem, I think you could be right, and it might be related to other things in her life. I did wonder if it was her exams, but when I asked how the most recent one was, she just said "Easy" and walked out of the room. I wasn't going to pursue her to make conversation if she wasn't going to return the effort.

I want to be patient and understanding with her, but I have my own needs to consider as well. Last night I came home from work feeling quite emotionally drained because we had two newly admitted patients in the psychiatric intensive care unit, one only thirteen years old, the other with one of the most horrific life histories I've ever heard. Another girl made a suicide attempt, and I had to get the ligature off her neck (always horrible); and then I had to take a different patient into seclusion for trying to attack others. My flatmate is a medical student; she knows what it's like to work in such a demanding environment. When I got home, feeling shaken, I mentioned to my flatmate how rough the day had been and why. All she said was, "Sh*t happens" as she turned her back on me. If she came home from a difficult day at her hospital, I wouldn't respond like that. It reminded me of a petulant teenager. No matter what's stressing her, she shouldn't be speaking to me like this. I am seriously considering moving out.

[superblue]

beatitude,

ya got enough going on in your life it seems, than to have to worry about a roommate and having to deal with the stress of a bad room mate,   the callouseness your roommate showed you, is either on purpose or out of a lack of common sense to sense that your situation needed some attention and compassion and your room mate did not know how to provide that and so it came out wrong.

I hope you don't take too much more time debating on moving or not, this person from what you have stated,  just try to relax the best you can until you can find a new room mate.  Unless ya feel it is worth while to try and help and fix this person with what ever she is dealing with.  You could though take this as an opportunity to be assertive and let it be known that you don't appreciate the way things are going, that you have a hard life as it is, and if she isn't looking for a friend that is fine, but to not make your life as a paying person in that house a nightmare and to not speak to you the way that she offended you. An that if living together isn't going to work, that you want to know a.s.a.p. so you can start looking for a new place to live. It seems though you will come to a conclusion soon enough though. An I hope things work out for ya for the better soon, an very sorry to hear that  you have been going through so much.

 

[veritasluxmea]

5 hours ago, beatitude said:

When I got home, feeling shaken, I mentioned to my flatmate how rough the day had been and why. All she said was, "Sh*t happens" as she turned her back on me. If she came home from a difficult day at her hospital, I wouldn't respond like that. It reminded me of a petulant teenager. No matter what's stressing her, she shouldn't be speaking to me like this. I am seriously considering moving out.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, that's not fun to live with. I can only say what I'd do if I were you, but after that encounter- I would look into moving out. If that hadn't happened I would keep trying, but that's really rude. Since you've already approached her and she didn't really change I don't think there's much more you can do. I don't think it's personal on her part, just seems like she can't deal with that. At the very least, I'd give her as much room as possible and quietly stick to my own business and room. Is there a Catholic parish or facebook group or something you could try to find new housing? 

[Spem in alium]

5 hours ago, beatitude said:

Spem, I think you could be right, and it might be related to other things in her life. I did wonder if it was her exams, but when I asked how the most recent one was, she just said "Easy" and walked out of the room. I wasn't going to pursue her to make conversation if she wasn't going to return the effort.

I want to be patient and understanding with her, but I have my own needs to consider as well. Last night I came home from work feeling quite emotionally drained because we had two newly admitted patients in the psychiatric intensive care unit, one only thirteen years old, the other with one of the most horrific life histories I've ever heard. Another girl made a suicide attempt, and I had to get the ligature off her neck (always horrible); and then I had to take a different patient into seclusion for trying to attack others. My flatmate is a medical student; she knows what it's like to work in such a demanding environment. When I got home, feeling shaken, I mentioned to my flatmate how rough the day had been and why. All she said was, "Sh*t happens" as she turned her back on me. If she came home from a difficult day at her hospital, I wouldn't respond like that. It reminded me of a petulant teenager. No matter what's stressing her, she shouldn't be speaking to me like this. I am seriously considering moving out.

I have to agree with veritasluxmea - after this last encounter with her, I would seriously consider moving out. You have clearly made an effort, and I don't see why she would be acting this way out of some personal feelings towards you. It's likely her own issues coming to the surface and taking over. But even so, she shouldn't be treating you that way. 

[Makarioi]

I would agree that it's probably time you started looking for another place.  You didn't know her before you moved in and you probably really don't know her now.  Maybe---this may be her way of telling you that she wants you to move out--who knows.  It's not easy to live with someone like that and I think it would be wise to leave. 

[Not A Real Name]

Bring home chocolates with crushed xanax in them. 

[superblue]

6 hours ago, Not A Real Name said:

Bring home chocolates with crushed xanax in them. 

and this is just one example why i use the ignore feature.

[Gabriela]

I deal with this by never, ever living with other people. You know about my PhD and job stress. I don't even take the risk it could happen at home.

Sorry I have no advice. But I will pray for this issue in your life in particular! 

[beatitude]

I think I have established the trigger for this latest passive-aggressive outburst. The other week there was a large sack of waste from my flatmate's pet rabbits (mainly used hay) waiting by the door. When I left I was running late for my bus, so I left the sack where it was. Normally I would take it down and put it in the skip (dumpster, for those of you who don't speak English ), but on that day I didn't have a second to spare.

Now I notice that my housemate has not taken down any rubbish or recycling since that day. She has let the bin overflow twice, and on both occasions has started filling plastic bags next to the bin with rubbish. Both times I have emptied it and cleaned it and taken down all the bags. I have not, however, taken out the recycling (cardboard, cans, etc).

Today I got home and found the recycling box is completely full...and there is a bag of recycling hanging opposite my bedroom door. She is still meeting my efforts at friendly conversation with monosyllables. I will take the recycling out, because one of us has to, but I am simultaneously bemused and irritated by this method of asking me to do it.

The stress is just mounting up. Please pray for me that everything will be resolved sooner rather than later.

[superblue]

4 hours ago, beatitude said:

I think I have established the trigger for this latest passive-aggressive outburst. The other week there was a large sack of waste from my flatmate's pet rabbits (mainly used hay) waiting by the door. When I left I was running late for my bus, so I left the sack where it was. Normally I would take it down and put it in the skip (dumpster, for those of you who don't speak English ), but on that day I didn't have a second to spare.

Now I notice that my housemate has not taken down any rubbish or recycling since that day. She has let the bin overflow twice, and on both occasions has started filling plastic bags next to the bin with rubbish. Both times I have emptied it and cleaned it and taken down all the bags. I have not, however, taken out the recycling (cardboard, cans, etc).

Today I got home and found the recycling box is completely full...and there is a bag of recycling hanging opposite my bedroom door. She is still meeting my efforts at friendly conversation with monosyllables. I will take the recycling out, because one of us has to, but I am simultaneously bemused and irritated by this method of asking me to do it.

The stress is just mounting up. Please pray for me that everything will be resolved sooner rather than later.

if you want to step up the crazy game,

 

separate all trash in the following,

Yours and hers, put the cans in separate areas and tell her she can not use your trash can for her trash. and then start complaining about how nasty she is that she cant even take out her own trash after it starts piling up.

But as fun as that might be, it will be flat asking for a fight.

Though for a common living area,  everyone who uses that common should be responsible for cleaning it ( except if you are in the military or a religious community )  a bulletin board with days marked down for taking out trash and doing dishes etc could be helpful for the time left that you are there. It appears you are living with a child that hasn't grown up and is more than willing to let you do the house chores as long as you don't complain about it. So you have to be the adult and be mature and treat her as a child that needs constant reminding, leaving reminder notes where ever to please take out the trash, do the dishes etc, or notes explaining that you were in a rush and to please take the trash out.

What is disturbing, is how did this person live before you got there ? Hang in there.

[beatitude]

She's actually very tidy. She just seems to be upset that I apparently ignored a bag of rubbish instead of taking it down, which seems unreasonable to me, because when she's busy or running late she does similar things and I don't mind. There's been a double standard here from day one - if she's studying in the sitting room, for example, she leaves her textbooks there for as long as she wants, but if I leave my books in the sitting room and then go out for a while, I will come back to find them lying outside my bedroom door.

Today I woke up to the doorbell ringing and heard my flatmate opening it. It was the postman with a parcel for me. She threw it on the floor outside my door, with some force (I heard it bounce). She didn't know I was awake (or even that I was home - I sometimes leave very early for the hospital) but that action showed me that she is evidently feeling pretty hostile towards me. Why not just place the package outside my door? There's no need to be throwing it.

I'm not upset, more confused, and a bit irritated. I am also quite worried for her, because this behaviour can't be right. I keep wanting to ask if she's OK, but I'm nervous to ask as she doesn't invite conversation at the moment and I don't want my head bitten off.

I've continued to look for other prospective flats online and I've arranged two viewings so far. One flat belongs to a woman who is quite a bit older than me (in her forties). Sharing with someone older might make this sort of behaviour less likely to happen, although maybe that's me being naive. I would have a lot of privacy in her apartment as the room to rent has its own bathroom and a little balcony. The other apartment is occupied by three women in their twenties, who all seem to have similar interests to mine (one is even studying an MA that's closely related to my PhD) and who sent me a lovely friendly email in response to my enquiry. They seem as if they could be proper friends, rather than just people who occupy the same space. Rent there is pretty cheap, although they warn me that the room is small and that I might not want it when I see the size of it. At least they're honest.

In extra stress, some random guy who has never met me and whose only contact with me has been via Twitter and Facebook groups decided to report things I'd shared on Twitter to the parent of a patient of mine. He didn't even know for sure where I worked. He doesn't know this woman either, he just saw her in a Facebook support group for parents of sick children. Considering that he's a middle-aged childless man, his presence in such a group seems more than a little creepy. He guessed that I worked at the hospital where this child is (he had a 25% chance of being right, given the number of children's hospitals in my area), decided that the tweets I'd made referred to dangers at the hospital (they didn't, they referred to dangers in the refugee camp where I used to work, four thousand miles away), and scared this woman half to death by telling her that her daughter was not being protected adequately. She contacted the hospital. I got pulled into my manager's office. My manager checked my Twitter, realised that this guy is a fruitcake, and told me to be careful online, as it's full of fruitcakes. Now I'm shaken up, because this behaviour seems stalkerish - why on earth would anyone do that sort of thing? I'm sitting here in a state of stupefaction, wondering what stressful thing might occur next, and hoping it doesn't.

[superblue]

7 minutes ago, beatitude said:

She's actually very tidy. She just seems to be upset that I apparently ignored a bag of rubbish instead of taking it down, which seems unreasonable to me, because when she's busy or running late she does similar things and I don't mind. There's been a double standard here from day one - if she's studying in the sitting room, for example, she leaves her textbooks there for as long as she wants, but if I leave my books in the sitting room and then go out for a while, I will come back to find them lying outside my bedroom door.

Today I woke up to the doorbell ringing and heard my flatmate opening it. It was the postman with a parcel for me. She threw it on the floor outside my door, with some force (I heard it bounce). She didn't know I was awake (or even that I was home - I sometimes leave very early for the hospital) but that action showed me that she is evidently feeling pretty hostile towards me. Why not just place the package outside my door? There's no need to be throwing it.

I'm not upset, more confused, and a bit irritated. I am also quite worried for her, because this behaviour can't be right. I keep wanting to ask if she's OK, but I'm nervous to ask as she doesn't invite conversation at the moment and I don't want my head bitten off.

I've continued to look for other prospective flats online and I've arranged two viewings so far. One flat belongs to a woman who is quite a bit older than me (in her forties). Sharing with someone older might make this sort of behaviour less likely to happen, although maybe that's me being naive. I would have a lot of privacy in her apartment as the room to rent has its own bathroom and a little balcony. The other apartment is occupied by three women in their twenties, who all seem to have similar interests to mine (one is even studying an MA that's closely related to my PhD) and who sent me a lovely friendly email in response to my enquiry. They seem as if they could be proper friends, rather than just people who occupy the same space. Rent there is pretty cheap, although they warn me that the room is small and that I might not want it when I see the size of it. At least they're honest.

In extra stress, some random guy who has never met me and whose only contact with me has been via Twitter and Facebook groups decided to report things I'd shared on Twitter to the parent of a patient of mine. He didn't even know for sure where I worked. He doesn't know this woman either, he just saw her in a Facebook support group for parents of sick children. Considering that he's a middle-aged childless man, his presence in such a group seems more than a little creepy. He guessed that I worked at the hospital where this child is (he had a 25% chance of being right, given the number of children's hospitals in my area), decided that the tweets I'd made referred to dangers at the hospital (they didn't, they referred to dangers in the refugee camp where I used to work, four thousand miles away), and scared this woman half to death by telling her that her daughter was not being protected adequately. She contacted the hospital. I got pulled into my manager's office. My manager checked my Twitter, realised that this guy is a fruitcake, and told me to be careful online, as it's full of fruitcakes. Now I'm shaken up, because this behaviour seems stalkerish - why on earth would anyone do that sort of thing? I'm sitting here in a state of stupefaction, wondering what stressful thing might occur next, and hoping it doesn't.

the last part is extra odd, and creepy for sure, I remember the panic when FB first announced it was changing its preference settings , which was hella shady to do in the first place. What made that guy go to that length to stalk ya is odd... hope it doesn't happen again, check those privacy settings ! An delete peeps from FB ya never talk to it helps keep the clutter down of being tracked via networks.

An your flat mate had no reason to huck your mail at your door like that, how you are staying civil is amazing. hope you find a better place soon.

[Makarioi]

I'm not a FB expert and I don't have Twitter, but my settings are to my friends only, if you're not my friend, you see minimal. Are you near and friends or family that you could stay with for a little while until you find a new place to stay? 

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

Beatitude--I'm praying for you. You are quite possibly the nicest, most sane person here on Phatmass (at least in the top ten--I don't want other people to feel that I don't care about them). Why is this happening to you? Get out! Now!

 

[Not A Real Name]

54 minutes ago, IgnatiusofLoyola said:

Beatitude--I'm praying for you. You are quite possibly the nicest, most sane person here on Phatmass (at least in the top ten--I don't want other people to feel that I don't care about them). Why is this happening to you? Get out! Now!

 

Which sanity scale are you using? 

Edited February 8, 2016 by Not A Real Name
Dumb smartphone

[Benedictus]

Sounds like she doesn't really want to share and gets frustrated over it.  It's probably also a negative part of her personality. The worst part about such people is they always think others should know what they are thinking or why they are doing something. I wouldn't waste time trying to navigate around her or guess what she thinks or expects. I would personally advise asking her for a regular open chat about household stuff and be assertive with her about things. She'll run you crazy and be a control freak if you let her otherwise. If you respond with equally PA behavior or try to exert control without discussion I suspect she'll get worse to push you out. You'll be tagged as the bad person too if she vents about it.

[Benedictus]

On 07/02/2016, 00:14:02, beatitude said:

In extra stress, some random guy who has never met me and whose only contact with me has been via Twitter and Facebook groups decided to report things I'd shared on Twitter to the parent of a patient of mine. He didn't even know for sure where I worked. He doesn't know this woman either, he just saw her in a Facebook support group for parents of sick children. Considering that he's a middle-aged childless man, his presence in such a group seems more than a little creepy. He guessed that I worked at the hospital where this child is (he had a 25% chance of being right, given the number of children's hospitals in my area), decided that the tweets I'd made referred to dangers at the hospital (they didn't, they referred to dangers in the refugee camp where I used to work, four thousand miles away), and scared this woman half to death by telling her that her daughter was not being protected adequately. She contacted the hospital. I got pulled into my manager's office. My manager checked my Twitter, realised that this guy is a fruitcake, and told me to be careful online, as it's full of fruitcakes. Now I'm shaken up, because this behaviour seems stalkerish - why on earth would anyone do that sort of thing? I'm sitting here in a state of stupefaction, wondering what stressful thing might occur next, and hoping it doesn't.

It's a growing problem. There's so much information online that such people can try to play jigsaw with information to find someone and cause trouble. In the work I used to do we had to be extra careful with the information we put out online that could be used by the public, esp our clients, as there were real safety risks. This meant I had to think even about groups I joined near my home if it meant my name and or pictures (or my family/friends etc) would be out in the public arena. I applied the same policy when I did work for a diocese or religious institute too, and this proved wise. I try and carry the same caution now too.

If a company or org has a website with photo, name, location etc people try and match this across to social networking, telephone directory, election voter data, petitions signed, blogs, online photos (to identify houses or used locations etc). If a person has a registered business they also have to think about address details used, filed forms and the info being available for public inspection. I'd never have used my home address on forms viewable online or if they can be viewed on request by the public etc.

Some people will even try and find people you know to add them or follow their info to see if they can find you. I believe facial name recognition on some sites was a problem in this regard, if you or an org shared pics with a group etc. The problem with social networking is the privacy settings change alot and people don't always see the risk (or expect the info is out there).  Most 'open' groups and page likes are viewable to the public on Facebook, as an example.

I would say to not use a photo of yourself as the profile pic and to restrict public view on everything. Facebook used to let people use a nickname or similar too, but now I think they insist on real names. It's OK to vary it though -  William to Bill or Bob (middle names are OK too I suppose). I never add random people and make sure I have a way of checking if a request from a 'friend' is really them. There have been cases of people setting up fake accounts by copying someone elses profile pic and using their name, usually for fraud. But I guess there can be other sinister motivations too.

This all sounds OTT but better to be safe I think.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Benedictus
spg

[beatitude]

Today I viewed three places, and it was like the story of the Three Bears. There was one really lovely apartment (with cats, always a plus) but I felt a bit awkward with the woman I'd be sharing with. She was incredibly reserved and by the time I left I felt I'd told her lots of things about me but heard almost nothing about her. I don't want to share with an unknown quantity again. The second house had three really lovely people who seemed like they could become real friends, but the house itself was shabby and old and my room was a bit...basic for the price (which is saying something when you consider I used to live in a refugee camp in the Middle East, and I have gone months washing out of a bucket while under fire from Maoist paramilitaries in Nepal. It's not like I expect luxury). The third house was very nice, affordable, and with two housemates who seem like people I'd get on well with. I've e-mailed them to say I want the room. They have other people viewing it, so hopefully they choose me, if it's God's will. I'm relying on him to keep me from going from the frying pan into the fire, and to prevent my current housemate from being unreasonable about my decision to move.