a little concern

[MarysLittleFlower]

Maybe this isn't a really big deal, but I've been thinking of something recently (the past couple days) when I'm here.. I don't know, but sometimes it seems to me like we really try to almost counsel or spiritually direct each other here. I dont mean all do this. And I've probably done it myself.

On one hand it shows that many here care enough to say something they've noticed in others. That is good. But I think it could be good for us all (me included) to remember that we really don't KNOW anyone here unless we know them well in real life. Its a good place to ask questions and often people do share more personal things. In a way VS could provide a support network. But sometimes I've felt like a person comes in needing some support, and they get analysis and at times, suspicion. That's probably normal on a forum but it can be hurtful and alienating.

Many share really good advice. I have realized though that some types of advice require a deep sort of knowledge of a person, that just doesn't happen unless you know the person well and see them regularly. Hopefully this isn't too controversial.but I just thought I'd bring that up. Its not my intend to cause any controversy. Just something I've been thinking about. Again i've probably done it myself. 

We are all fighting certain battles and difficulties that maybe others do not know. Certain things never get shared here. Each person is in a way, a mystery that is only really known to God, in the deepest way. Certain things are only shared with an SD. God bless :)

[Gabriela]

MLF: Here is what I was about to post in the last thread on SD before beatitude locked it.

I think veritas is just a little frustrated with you. We can see that you have scrupulosity. But the issue that has come up before is now coming up again. You seem to be posting again and again and saying the same things in all the posts, and while I think it's just because you feel misunderstood, it's coming off to others like you simply can't let your opinion rest until it's accepted by everyone. When people don't agree with you, it doesn't mean that they don't understand what you're saying. It just means they don't agree. You don't have to explain again and again in a hundred different (and sometimes not so different) ways. Repeating it won't help. They just disagree. Let it go sooner, and this kind of thing won't happen.

I'm not blaming you for veritas' airing of her frustration. That's on her (and I'm not condemning you either, veritas: I totally understand your frustration and was holding back an outburst myself). I'm just trying to explain to you how your posts are coming off to some of the others, so you can understand where veritas is coming from.

Your bringing the matter here only makes it worse.

Sometimes, just let it go.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Ok, this wasn't just about that thread or even just me. Never mind... I'm sorry if I've upset anyone or been an annoyance  It wasn't my intent. I think maybe it's best for me to move on... God bless.

I'm not expecting everyone to agree with me. Its ok if you don't. I think the issue there was more about my question about the article, but I wasn't debating it, I wanted to.clarify a point in it. I don't think that I was posting there before out of scruples though. I also don't expect everyone to agree. Anyways never mind:) I think its honestly time for me to go. 

I have nothing against any of you I'm also grateful to those who helped me. I wish you all the best. Please forgive me for any ways I've been an annoyance and for my pride and scruples. God bless

Probably we all talk less about our views in real life in a way posting online can be a challenge, IMO. 

Maybe not really the best one for me

[Egeria]

Frankly, that post struck me as bullying at times with certain people basically outlawing certain approaches.

But, and I hope that this doesn't come across in the wrong way, I must also say, MLF, that your tendency (at least from what I see of your posts) to bend over backwards to want to not offend people, can also be rather trying. It reminds me of someone I lived with in community for several years, and it really made things rather difficult, both for herself and for others. I hope this doesn't offend you, but I'm saying it because it may be relevant to a future life in community. You don't need to apologize for either yourself or your views. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

Ok, thank you for the advice. I guess im struggling a bit cause i just don't know how to be. If I'm more direct I offend people - which happened. If I try not to that's annoying for others too. I am sure i have a lot to work on. Im trying to take it all as useful criticism to humble me, which im sure i need. Im trying to remember its probably because people here care and im probably too sensitive. I can take criticism generally and i try to take it well like at work. But I'm still getting kind of burnt out because with scruples you already feel like everything is wrong with you. I just feel very broken and like no matter what I ask or say, there is a comment from various posters about what I'm doing incorrectly, which shows I must have many problems in myself. I know I commit many sins and have many shortcomings. I just don't know how to fix it all. Maybe I just can't deal with it all and I'm not saying its the problem of people here, rather me, I just don't know how to be better with so much to work on at once  

Maybe its just how forums work. In real life I have less discussions with people, and different discussions than here. Maybe like I said I'm just not good with forums! Ok I'll stop talking about myself now lol.

Thank you to everyone for showing me what I need to improve on. And for the concern. I just wish I was better at dealing with my shortcomings, maybe scruples does affect my ability to do that. 

Edited February 19, 2016 by MarysLittleFlower

[Feankie]

MLF, don't  be so hard on yourself.  Realizing you suffer from scruples is winning one part of the battle, but not the whole war:)  You've got work to do!  Of course it's very different having discussions (if you can really call them that) on VS than speaking with another face to face. You don't get the inflections, facial expressions, nervousness, etc  when reading or posting on a forum such as this. For instance, I can't hear the fear or anxiety that may be coming from your voice when you post.....just the written words.  None of us can possibly solve the problems you feel you have here in this medium.  We can only comment on what we may or may not have inferred from your posts. I think the frustration I have, and I can't speak for others here, is that you keep coming back to the same topic again and again under different thread titles with a little tweak here and there in the telling.  I'm concerned for and about you. Don't let our replies humble you - that's not what we're all here for - rather take them or leave them. Pray through your situation carefully.  Take it to the Lord.  Ask Him for the answers as His, in the grand scheme of things, are the only ones that really matter.

[Egeria]

MLF, I don't remember the exact words, but many years ago someone quoted Cardinal Basil Hume to me saying something like, "Don't take yourself too seriously. Take other people seriously, take others seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously." Of course, there is a sense in which we do need to take ourselves seriously (we need to respond to God, repent, and act) and it took me a long time to really understand what he was getting that. But, as someone who has also suffered from perfectionism, I have also learnt that there is quite a lot of ego involved in that. And part of growing in true humility (which I have by no means arrived at!) is learning to let go of that and to just do what is put in front of us, without worrying too much about whether we are getting it totally right. And here obedience is really quite liberating (with all the necessary provisos about it being appropriate and to someone trustworthy etc) as you seem to already have some insight into. 

[Egeria]

27 minutes ago, Egeria said:

 Take other people seriously, take others seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously." 

Oops, typo. That should be "Take God seriously, take other people seriously..."

[Spem in alium]

 

1 hour ago, MarysLittleFlower said:

Ok, thank you for the advice. I guess im struggling a bit cause i just don't know how to be. If I'm more direct I offend people - which happened. If I try not to that's annoying for others too. I am sure i have a lot to work on. Im trying to take it all as useful criticism to humble me, which im sure i need. Im trying to remember its probably because people here care and im probably too sensitive. I can take criticism generally and i try to take it well like at work. But I'm still getting kind of burnt out because with scruples you already feel like everything is wrong with you. I just feel very broken and like no matter what I ask or say, there is a comment from various posters about what I'm doing incorrectly, which shows I must have many problems in myself. I know I commit many sins and have many shortcomings. I just don't know how to fix it all. Maybe I just can't deal with it all and I'm not saying its the problem of people here, rather me, I just don't know how to be better with so much to work on at once  

Maybe its just how forums work. In real life I have less discussions with people, and different discussions than here. Maybe like I said I'm just not good with forums! Ok I'll stop talking about myself now lol.

Thank you to everyone for showing me what I need to improve on. And for the concern. I just wish I was better at dealing with my shortcomings, maybe scruples does affect my ability to do that. 

The important thing for you to be is who God created you to be - the unique person that you are. It is important to think of how our words or actions might affect others, but we can't go through life always avoiding annoying or offending people. And as Francis Clare said, see these points as something you can take or leave, not as something specifically designed to humble you. You can read someone's comments and think, "Oh no, I'm doing all this wrong", which will likely cause you to fall  back into scrupulosity, or you could approach it as "Yes, this person made these comments. While they've identified a problem I struggle with, I also have these good qualities in myself (name them) and I thank God for them. How can I work with these comments or learn from them?" In this way, you're not only accepting and admitting you need to work on some areas, but also validating yourself and recognising that there is goodness in you. This is NOT pride - it is recognising the gifts and goodness God has blessed you with.

What is exceptionally important is how we use the time that has been given us by God. Improving ourselves and becoming better people takes a lifetime, or even longer. We can't do it all at once. Take each moment at a time. And I know it's easy for me to say, but try not to be so hard on yourself. You are "fearfully and wonderfully made", and so loved by God. Try to let thoughts like these - rather than thoughts about your sinfulness or troubles - guide your day.
 

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thank you all I've been thinking about everything and realized some things. I've had a really stressful week maybe because Lent started (it's often like that maybe ;)) and just other issues. But I haven't been relying on God enough. I thought I have to fix everything that is going wrong instead I need to open up to Him more and let Him act. I need to accept whatever trials happen with love so He can mold my soul to what He wishes. I also need to do my present duties better instead of being worried, and this trust can help to give to others instead of being so concerned with myself. I have not honoured God by serving Him in my speech and making it an act of love and service to Him, instead I only served myself by talking so much about me. I also need more humility to accept criticism better. I need to forget myself more, for my duties and trust God with my journey to a vocation, whatever it is. I'm sorry for having been so tiresome. I think it would do good to take a break from posting as I begin to speak about my troubles when I do this, and I would be very grateful if someone said a prayer for me, to rely more on God and less on myself. It can be overwhelming dealing with interior and exterior problems (which are not unique nor the worst) relying on my own strength. Anyways I would be very glad if someone said a prayer for me, and may God guide us all to where He wants each of us to be, in the way He wants. The road might be difficult in ways but that is the only way we would become totally His. God bless

Edited February 19, 2016 by MarysLittleFlower

[MarysLittleFlower]

My main weakness seems to be fear, and perfect love casts out all fear with love, suffering is no longer so frightening. It seems so much of the spiritual life is just not putting barriers to God's action!

[Feankie]

MLF, from your long post above it looks like you are on your way to wholeness and happiness!  Take a deep breath.....then toss your worries out into the deep.  Try to start with a clean slate instead of dwelling on the "what if's" or the "why didn't I's". Of course I will pray for you...I have been through all of this   It's a bit frightening to trust it all to the Lord and not rely on one's own  strength.  It's called "giving up control", which runs counterintuitive to everything we've been bought up to believe.  It's one of the most difficult things to do as society insists we must always be in control of every situation.  Christianity itself is countercultural if you think about it.  I pray that the Lord will mold and form you into exactly who He wishes you to be, and gives you the grace to say "yes" to Him in all things.  Pax.

[beatitude]

5 hours ago, MarysLittleFlower said:

Ok, thank you for the advice. I guess im struggling a bit cause i just don't know how to be. If I'm more direct I offend people - which happened. If I try not to that's annoying for others too. I am sure i have a lot to work on. Im trying to take it all as useful criticism to humble me, which im sure i need. Im trying to remember its probably because people here care and im probably too sensitive. I can take criticism generally and i try to take it well like at work. But I'm still getting kind of burnt out because with scruples you already feel like everything is wrong with you. I just feel very broken and like no matter what I ask or say, there is a comment from various posters about what I'm doing incorrectly, which shows I must have many problems in myself. I know I commit many sins and have many shortcomings. I just don't know how to fix it all. Maybe I just can't deal with it all and I'm not saying its the problem of people here, rather me, I just don't know how to be better with so much to work on at once  

MLF, you are a very kind person and you want to be gentle to others, and that shows. I hope you stick around.

I have struggled with scruples (although not to the degree that you have) and with perfectionism, and I really understand the parts of your post that I've put in bold. Over the years I've had two liberating discoveries. The first is that I don't need to 'fix it all' - I need to be gentle with myself and accept my weaknesses and frailties as things that God is more than capable of handling, rather than obsessing over how I will get rid of them. Maybe God will take them from me, maybe he won't (St Paul had to keep his 'thorn in the flesh'), but whether they stay or go is irrelevant providing I remember Jesus' love for me. Remember that although you may feel shut in by barriers, to him those barriers are nothing, and that as Paul said, "God's power is made perfect in weakness."

The second discovery was that no matter what I do, I am still going to annoy or upset people from time to time. I am not everyone's cup of tea, and that's OK. Right now I'm staying with a lovely kind woman who annoys the heck out of me on occasion and it's all I can do to refrain from biting her head off. Today she phoned up to give me a lengthy update on a project we're working on together that could have waited until she arrived home three hours later, and throughout the phone call I kept wanting to snap, "I'm jet-lagged and I want to go back to bed, can you get to the point?" And she hadn't done anything bad or wrong - from her perspective she'd just had really great ideas about the project, she wanted to share them with me, and she's such an enthusiastic person she couldn't wait three hours. Other people might find that enthusiasm very likeable. I wish she'd tone it down, but that's my preference, and she isn't doing anything wrong. Sometimes when I get on other people's nerves I'm not in the wrong either - I'm just not their thing. I have to accept that.

This can be very difficult, especially for people with scrupulosity, because there is a tendency to treat other people's approval as a sign that you're doing the right things, and the scruples make you crave that reassurance. In my experience, the better I got at being patient and forgiving with myself, the less I craved it.

Prayers for you this Lent.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thank you Francis Clare and Beatitude for the great advice and encouragement!  Yes giving up control and being more patient - that is very true and I'll begin by praying for that. God bless you

Edited February 19, 2016 by MarysLittleFlower

[Sponsa-Christi]

24 minutes ago, beatitude said:

 

The second discovery was that no matter what I do, I am still going to annoy or upset people from time to time. I am not everyone's cup of tea, and that's OK.

Regarding the idea that it's impossible to make everyone happy all of the time, I'm recalling a fable my mom told me once:

An elderly grandfather is on his way to the market, with his young grandson riding their donkey. On the way, the run into some villagers, who murmur: "People have no respect for their elders these days! Look at the lazy boy making his poor grandfather walk while he rides comfortably!" So the grandfather gets on the donkey himself, and has the boy walk instead.

Then some more villagers pass by, who complain: "Look at the mean old man making that little boy walk such a long way!" So the grandfather picks up his grandson and they both ride the donkey.

Then they run into some villagers who are horrified that they would "...overwork that poor animal, expecting it to bear the weight of two people!" So the grandfather gets frustrated and decides that both he and his grandson will walk the rest of the way to the market.

However, once they get there some other villagers laugh at them saying: "Those two fools! They walk all this way when they had a donkey they could have ridden!"

So the moral of the story is that sometimes, you just have to do your best and not worry about what other people think!