When you just can't get over a seminarian

[Fiatgirl95]

So last January I met this guy and we hit it off great! We were fast friends and honestly, it was just so easy to pick up the phone and talk about anything. A few months into our friendship he mentioned he was discerning the priesthood. I said that sounded great, because honestly I wasn't attracted to him at the time. Yet, we kept on talking and over the months I a) started to like him and b) wondered how serious he was discerning since we would talk everyday. It was just kinda confusing. Eventually he went into seminary; he's there now and I haven't talked to him since (except for a Merry Christmas message). I never told him I liked him and we never talked about our friendship and how intense it was. It was just one day we were the best of friends and the next (the day he entered) we weren't. I get that he needs boundaries, and honestly I need them too but I miss my friend. Honestly I think that hurts the most, is the friendship that's no longer there. I still like him, given the topic heading, I just can't seem to move on and honestly part of me doesn't want to. It's a pretty terrible situation. I guess my question is, do I have to cut him off completely or can I message him every few months just to see how his life is going? I don't want to be any kind of distraction or deterrent from staying in seminary. I honestly just want my friend back. Thoughts? I could use all the help I can get. Thanks for whoever has read this far. I tried to keep it as short as possible. 

[Peace]

12 minutes ago, Fiatgirl95 said:

So last January I met this guy and we hit it off great! We were fast friends and honestly, it was just so easy to pick up the phone and talk about anything. A few months into our friendship he mentioned he was discerning the priesthood. I said that sounded great, because honestly I wasn't attracted to him at the time. Yet, we kept on talking and over the months I a) started to like him and b) wondered how serious he was discerning since we would talk everyday. It was just kinda confusing. Eventually he went into seminary; he's there now and I haven't talked to him since (except for a Merry Christmas message). I never told him I liked him and we never talked about our friendship and how intense it was. It was just one day we were the best of friends and the next (the day he entered) we weren't. I get that he needs boundaries, and honestly I need them too but I miss my friend. Honestly I think that hurts the most, is the friendship that's no longer there. I still like him, given the topic heading, I just can't seem to move on and honestly part of me doesn't want to. It's a pretty terrible situation. I guess my question is, do I have to cut him off completely or can I message him every few months just to see how his life is going? I don't want to be any kind of distraction or deterrent from staying in seminary. I honestly just want my friend back. Thoughts? I could use all the help I can get. Thanks for whoever has read this far. I tried to keep it as short as possible. 

 

 

Edited February 25, 2021 by Peace

[Luigi]

Is this a diocesan seminary, or has he joined a monastery? That might make a substantial difference. 

Priests need friends, too. Priests have friends. Priests (and seminarians) ought to be able to maintain a friendship with a woman (or more than one woman). In fact, I know priests who do. Just as I know women religious who maintain friendships with men. 

Do text him. Ask him how's it going for you? I think about you sometimes and our talks. That kind of stuff. You might ask what kind of guidelines the seminary has for visitors. If it's very strict, he can tell you that. If he's allowed only one visit per semester (which I can't imagine) and he prefers to save it for his folks, then he can tell you that. 

[benedictaaugustine]

I think you should not only just consider his situation, but also your emotional health. If you’re having trouble detaching from him in order to move from a crush to a healthy friendship, then you may want to consider putting more space between you two until you are able to have a friendship detached from romantic attachment. It would be less emotional stress on yourself, and allow you a chance to distance yourself until you can have perspective on the situation. I agree that it’s perfectly fine for seminarians and priests to have female friends, but if you find yourself having romantic attachments and wondering “what if”, then you put yourself and him in a potential for emotional entanglement, no matter how you may feel that you can “hide it until it goes away”. 
That being said, if you feel like you can healthily talk to him every few months, then go for it! Be discerning about your own intentions.
This is just my opinion, I’m not a counselor, just my two cents.

[Peace]

2 hours ago, benedictaaugustine said:

I think you should not only just consider his situation, but also your emotional health. If you’re having trouble detaching from him in order to move from a crush to a healthy friendship, then you may want to consider putting more space between you two until you are able to have a friendship detached from romantic attachment. It would be less emotional stress on yourself, and allow you a chance to distance yourself until you can have perspective on the situation. I agree that it’s perfectly fine for seminarians and priests to have female friends, but if you find yourself having romantic attachments and wondering “what if”, then you put yourself and him in a potential for emotional entanglement, no matter how you may feel that you can “hide it until it goes away”. 
That being said, if you feel like you can healthily talk to him every few months, then go for it! Be discerning about your own intentions.
This is just my opinion, I’m not a counselor, just my two cents.

Look. Let's keep it real. She has a romantic crush on him. She wants to have his baby. He is in seminary to become a Catholic priest and planning to be celibate for the rest of his life. There is no possible way that this will end well. This ain't pleasant to hear but its the truth.

She should develop a new man crush. There are 4 billion of us on the planet, and it won't be good for anybody for her to "stay friends" with a Catholic priest to whom she has romantic feelings towards.

[Lea]

I think it would be a good idea to clearly communicate your feelings and how they developed over time, maybe in a letter or so and ask for his opinion where this relationship should go. He also might ask his formators for some advice, probably they have seen situations like this multiple times before. 

Seminary or religious formation seem to be emotional rollercoasters, as of what I got to know from friends, and they are happy to have support from the outside. 

[Ash Wednesday]

On 2/24/2021 at 11:58 PM, Fiatgirl95 said:

So last January I met this guy and we hit it off great! We were fast friends and honestly, it was just so easy to pick up the phone and talk about anything. A few months into our friendship he mentioned he was discerning the priesthood. I said that sounded great, because honestly I wasn't attracted to him at the time. Yet, we kept on talking and over the months I a) started to like him and b) wondered how serious he was discerning since we would talk everyday. It was just kinda confusing. Eventually he went into seminary; he's there now and I haven't talked to him since (except for a Merry Christmas message). I never told him I liked him and we never talked about our friendship and how intense it was. It was just one day we were the best of friends and the next (the day he entered) we weren't. I get that he needs boundaries, and honestly I need them too but I miss my friend. Honestly I think that hurts the most, is the friendship that's no longer there. I still like him, given the topic heading, I just can't seem to move on and honestly part of me doesn't want to. It's a pretty terrible situation. I guess my question is, do I have to cut him off completely or can I message him every few months just to see how his life is going? I don't want to be any kind of distraction or deterrent from staying in seminary. I honestly just want my friend back. Thoughts? I could use all the help I can get. Thanks for whoever has read this far. I tried to keep it as short as possible. 

Personally if I were in your situation I would be giving him a lot of space and entrusting him and his own plans to God. I wouldn't advise contacting him unless the motive was out of pure friendship and free from romantic hopes. You wouldn't be posting on a forum that you are struggling to let him go if you didn't still have romantic feelings, so I honestly would avoid contacting him for the time being.

I'd suggest a novena to St. Raphael. It is a novena for finding a spouse, but its intentions are also for general guidance and other things, such as healing and studies.

https://catholicnovenaapp.com/novenas/st-raphael-novena/

On 2/28/2021 at 9:03 AM, Lea said:

I think it would be a good idea to clearly communicate your feelings and how they developed over time, maybe in a letter or so and ask for his opinion where this relationship should go. He also might ask his formators for some advice, probably they have seen situations like this multiple times before. 

Seminary or religious formation seem to be emotional rollercoasters, as of what I got to know from friends, and they are happy to have support from the outside. 

I respectfully disagree, I don't think it would be appropriate for her to be writing him with any romantic intentions while he's in seminary. I think if he left the seminary, then I'd feel differently, though coming from personal experience, I tend to not trust relationships where a man has to be prodded from a woman when his feelings aren't clear and he hasn't stepped up to the plate himself. If he had strong enough feelings for her, he wouldn't be there in the first place. 

Seminary is a place for focus, prayer and discernment for the priesthood free from distraction, not to entertain romantic relationships with girls. They do need support from friends and family, but they also don't need to have that emotional roller coaster made worse by communicating with someone who isn't ready to just remain friends and really should give it more time.

[Anastasia]

On 2/25/2021 at 10:58 AM, Fiatgirl95 said:

I guess my question is, do I have to cut him off completely or can I message him every few months just to see how his life is going? I don't want to be any kind of distraction or deterrent from staying in seminary. I honestly just want my friend back. Thoughts?

You are saying "I don't want to be any kind of distraction or deterrent from staying in seminary" so you are concerned for him but what about you, about care for yourself? Your friend has new environment which keeps him busy, new life etc. but what is your situation? Isn't it somewhat similar to being in love with some married man? I do not believe in a possibility of "being just friends" with a man you love without harming yourself. Maybe later, when you are happily married you could be friends. 

Texting "once a month" would keep you focusing on him I think.

It is possible I suppose to tell him about your feelings - in case if he has similar feelings as well and see what will happens - but about this one I am not sure (I began thinking about him loving you and becoming an Eastern Catholic priest i.e. married).

Edited March 1, 2021 by Anastasia

[Ash Wednesday]

Again, if he needs space and boundaries, I fail to see how writing him with romantic intentions gives him this. 

Most girls generally would not try to interfere with a relationship of a guy who was seriously dating and thinking of proposing to another woman, and I think the seminary should be given that same level of space and respect. If he thinks he may be called to be a priest, then I think she should respect his needs to discern this by giving him space and entrusting the situation to God. 

[Peace]

10 minutes ago, Ash Wednesday said:

Most girls generally would not try to interfere with a relationship of a guy who was seriously dating and thinking of proposing to another woman

I dunno about that!

[Ash Wednesday]

1 minute ago, Peace said:

I dunno about that!

Fair enough, but for me personally and to avoid continued heartache, I would make a clean break, stop entertaining false hopes and potentially consider other dudes. As you suggested earlier. 

[Anastasia]

13 minutes ago, Ash Wednesday said:

If he thinks he may be called to be a priest, then I think she should respect his needs to discern this by giving him space and entrusting the situation to God. 

I agree with you, thinking what is good for a seminarian. Yet what could be good for a woman is to say "Look, I love you and this is why I cannot correspond with you since you are seminarian". This would provide a cut off for her and a full knowledge of the situation for him and who knows if one day he decides that being  a priest is not for him. Perhaps it is a bad advice, I do not know. One thing I know for sure though - a woman must not try to engage into "we are just friends" thing because it will hurt her.

[PhuturePriest]

On 2/24/2021 at 5:58 PM, Fiatgirl95 said:

So last January I met this guy and we hit it off great! We were fast friends and honestly, it was just so easy to pick up the phone and talk about anything. A few months into our friendship he mentioned he was discerning the priesthood. I said that sounded great, because honestly I wasn't attracted to him at the time. Yet, we kept on talking and over the months I a) started to like him and b) wondered how serious he was discerning since we would talk everyday. It was just kinda confusing. Eventually he went into seminary; he's there now and I haven't talked to him since (except for a Merry Christmas message). I never told him I liked him and we never talked about our friendship and how intense it was. It was just one day we were the best of friends and the next (the day he entered) we weren't. I get that he needs boundaries, and honestly I need them too but I miss my friend. Honestly I think that hurts the most, is the friendship that's no longer there. I still like him, given the topic heading, I just can't seem to move on and honestly part of me doesn't want to. It's a pretty terrible situation. I guess my question is, do I have to cut him off completely or can I message him every few months just to see how his life is going? I don't want to be any kind of distraction or deterrent from staying in seminary. I honestly just want my friend back. Thoughts? I could use all the help I can get. Thanks for whoever has read this far. I tried to keep it as short as possible. 

I'm sorry that you're going through this! As a seminarian who has experienced and seen this a million times over from the side of seminarians and female friends of mine, I know your pain. Unfortunately it's just going to smell of elderberries for a while, and that's okay.

I find situations like this frustrating because it leads to a lot of unnecessary pain. My educated guess is that he A) likely had romantic feelings for you, had a conversation with a formator or spiritual director, and decided to cease all contact with you to give himself room to think or B) realized you had romantic feelings for him when he just wanted to be friends and decided to cut off contact because talking to you about it would be difficult (cowardly, but sadly common). Either way, you're left here wondering what the heck happened and dealing with the emotional mess he helped to make, and that's not fair to you. In a better world where he was more mature, he would have talked to you about it and given clarity to diminish any hurt feelings, but alas we live in an imperfect one and that's why seminary formation exists in the first place.

As for what to do in the aftermath, I recommend not talking to him. If he does contact you, do yourself a favor and don't respond. If you exchange pleasantries it will simply lead to renewing false hopes and dreams. Cut off contact, move on with life, and you will find that eventually you will get over him. That is not to say this will be quick and painless. It took me well over a year to get over my crush (in my situation it was her who began cutting off contact), but that is because I put myself through endless, needless torture by trying to figure out what I did wrong, how I could have done things differently, and prolonging it by periodically talking to her and acting as if nothing was going on. As a hopeless romantic, I thought I would never get over her. Lo and behold, we do not talk anymore and I feel perfectly fine with that. Had I been stronger I would have gotten over her much more quickly, and I recommend that you learn from my mistake.

Pray for him if you would like, share your pain with God, and mark this one up as a bittersweet page in your life. You might even be surprised at how quickly you get over him.

[NonNovi]

6 hours ago, Anastasia said:

Yet what could be good for a woman is to say "Look, I love you and this is why I cannot correspond with you since you are seminarian". This would provide a cut off for her and a full knowledge of the situation for him and who knows if one day he decides that being  a priest is not for him.

If he notices that being a priest is not for him one day, then that is the day to tell him about romantic feelings. Not before. If he didn't notice anything, it will make him start thinking and doubting. Every seminarian will have one or more times he will doubt his vocation and think about marriage, that's normal. Knowing that there is a girl "available" will only make that worse.

It could be good for a woman to tell about her feelings, but it will not be good for the man in this case. I'd rather suggest to start praying for some specific things:
- to learn what is and to be able to accept God's will for your life,
- for your future husband, whoever he might be, that he gets all the graces he needs to prepare himself for marriage, and that you may get to know him soon,
- for all the priest (also the future ones), that they may be faithful to their vocation and stick to the truth to save souls.
 

[fides' Jack]

12 hours ago, PhuturePriest said:

I'm sorry that you're going through this! As a seminarian who has experienced and seen this a million times over from the side of seminarians and female friends of mine, I know your pain. Unfortunately it's just going to smell of elderberries for a while, and that's okay.

I find situations like this frustrating because it leads to a lot of unnecessary pain. My educated guess is that he A) likely had romantic feelings for you, had a conversation with a formator or spiritual director, and decided to cease all contact with you to give himself room to think or B) realized you had romantic feelings for him when he just wanted to be friends and decided to cut off contact because talking to you about it would be difficult (cowardly, but sadly common). Either way, you're left here wondering what the heck happened and dealing with the emotional mess he helped to make, and that's not fair to you. In a better world where he was more mature, he would have talked to you about it and given clarity to diminish any hurt feelings, but alas we live in an imperfect one and that's why seminary formation exists in the first place.

As for what to do in the aftermath, I recommend not talking to him. If he does contact you, do yourself a favor and don't respond. If you exchange pleasantries it will simply lead to renewing false hopes and dreams. Cut off contact, move on with life, and you will find that eventually you will get over him. That is not to say this will be quick and painless. It took me well over a year to get over my crush (in my situation it was her who began cutting off contact), but that is because I put myself through endless, needless torture by trying to figure out what I did wrong, how I could have done things differently, and prolonging it by periodically talking to her and acting as if nothing was going on. As a hopeless romantic, I thought I would never get over her. Lo and behold, we do not talk anymore and I feel perfectly fine with that. Had I been stronger I would have gotten over her much more quickly, and I recommend that you learn from my mistake.

Pray for him if you would like, share your pain with God, and mark this one up as a bittersweet page in your life. You might even be surprised at how quickly you get over him.

This is a fantastic response!

 

7 hours ago, NonNovi said:

If he notices that being a priest is not for him one day, then that is the day to tell him about romantic feelings. Not before. If he didn't notice anything, it will make him start thinking and doubting. Every seminarian will have one or more times he will doubt his vocation and think about marriage, that's normal. Knowing that there is a girl "available" will only make that worse.

It could be good for a woman to tell about her feelings, but it will not be good for the man in this case. I'd rather suggest to start praying for some specific things:
- to learn what is and to be able to accept God's will for your life,
- for your future husband, whoever he might be, that he gets all the graces he needs to prepare himself for marriage, and that you may get to know him soon,
- for all the priest (also the future ones), that they may be faithful to their vocation and stick to the truth to save souls.
 

Another fantastic response!

[RosaMystica]

On 2/24/2021 at 6:58 PM, Fiatgirl95 said:

So last January I met this guy and we hit it off great! We were fast friends and honestly, it was just so easy to pick up the phone and talk about anything. A few months into our friendship he mentioned he was discerning the priesthood. I said that sounded great, because honestly I wasn't attracted to him at the time. Yet, we kept on talking and over the months I a) started to like him and b) wondered how serious he was discerning since we would talk everyday. It was just kinda confusing. Eventually he went into seminary; he's there now and I haven't talked to him since (except for a Merry Christmas message). I never told him I liked him and we never talked about our friendship and how intense it was. It was just one day we were the best of friends and the next (the day he entered) we weren't. I get that he needs boundaries, and honestly I need them too but I miss my friend. Honestly I think that hurts the most, is the friendship that's no longer there. I still like him, given the topic heading, I just can't seem to move on and honestly part of me doesn't want to. It's a pretty terrible situation. I guess my question is, do I have to cut him off completely or can I message him every few months just to see how his life is going? I don't want to be any kind of distraction or deterrent from staying in seminary. I honestly just want my friend back. Thoughts? I could use all the help I can get. Thanks for whoever has read this far. I tried to keep it as short as possible. 

As strong as the temptation may be to talk  to him,  I would keep giving the space you’re giving him. Discernment, especially in a seminary or monastery, is hard enough without adding in  that a girl may have romantic feelings for him. There’s always that  temptation for those discerning that the grass is greener on the other side so don’t be that temptation for him. If you truly care about the guy then forget yourself and move on.

[ReasonableFaith]

On 2/24/2021 at 5:58 PM, Fiatgirl95 said:

I guess my question is, do I have to cut him off completely or can I message him every few months just to see how his life is going? I don't want to be any kind of distraction or deterrent from staying in seminary. I honestly just want my friend back. Thoughts?

It may be worth consideration that you developed a friendship with someone over the course of 8 months or so and now have only received one holiday pleasantry over the course of 7 months or so. This alone may contain some insight into the feelings on the opposite side of the relationship.  
 

A quick rundown of the events surrounding your friend. The seminarian has been offered the opportunity to discern a possible priestly vocation within the environment of a program for priestly formation. A vocation director advanced the candidate to the application phase. After a review of the relevant information, acceptance was offered by a seminary admissions committee and sponsorship extended by the diocesan bishop. At current all parties are perpetuating the status quo...continued discernment. (If a religious institute conditions differ slightly.) 
 

This acceptance is not a indication by The Church the candidate has a vocation to the priesthood. It is an indication the candidate may have a vocation to the priesthood and appears to be a suitable candidate for holy orders/ordination. Discernment in this program is a two-way street. The seminarian is exploring his possible vocation and The Church will confirm or deny the vocation if the seminarian continues to positively discern such a vocation. This will be done by the rector of the seminary in consultation with the formation/ordination committee. Their determination will mostly likely be confirmed by the diocesan bishop.

If your friend entered a major seminary (graduate level) the odds of ordination are in the neighborhood of 50% give or take. In general,  the likelihood of ordination increases the longer one remains in a formation program. 
 

The seminarian will be expected to demonstrate a capability to develop and maintain healthy, appropriate relationships with persons both female and male. A demonstrated inability to do so will likely be noted in a permanent formation file and may present a formation issue/stumbling block to ordination. If the seminary is connected to a university the seminarian will be offered the opportunity to demonstrate this capability with persons outside the formation program on a more consistent basis than in a more isolated formation program, where such opportunities may be largely restricted to work and ministry programs. 
 

I think you have received some good and practical advice. Other responses seem to be rooted in a fear of ‘Chalice Chippers’ or ‘Chalice Chipping’, a perceived situation in which a person with a romantic interest in a seminarian lures them out of the seminary despite the seminarian’s true vocation to the priesthood or true desire to continue in formation. This notion puts the onus on the person harboring the interest in the seminarian to contain their feelings while diminishing the responsibilities of the seminarian to effectively deal with inter-personal relationships and romantic advances in a mature way. Entering seminary is an act of free will, accepting holy orders is an act of free will, voluntarily leaving the seminary to pursue a romantic interest is also an act of free will.

If the formation program has a balanced and healthy approach your friend will have recourse to persons able to provide sound advice on how to deal with inter-personal relationships, romantic interests and romantic advances in the interior forum. Likely this advice will come through confessors, spiritual directors and psychological clinicians. Advice sought from formation staff would likely occur in the exterior forum with potential to find its way into the permanent file. Guidance will also be offered on appropriate friendships, female and male, with those inside and outside of the program. 
 

As a bit of an aside, seminarians will likely have to deal with romantic interests/advances/crushes while in formation and ordained clerics often deal with the same. These interests, crushes, and advances may come in many different forms and must be handled in a mature fashion. Mere isolation from such occurrences presents a potential for turning out immature clerics unable to deal with the these issues and develop healthy, inter-personal relationships in the community at large.

I would suggest you can handle your issue as you please...contact or not contact.  It would be appropriate to carefully examine your own motives.  The thoughtful response from the current seminarian seems well worth consideration.  It may also do you well to consider how contacting your friend may or may not affect your ability to move on with your life.  In any course of action I wish the best for you and your friend.

 

[tinytherese]

http://seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2010/10/discern-this-drama-boy.html

http://seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2010/12/auntie-seraphic-ex-seminarians.html