Help please!

[SorrowfulHeart]

Hello all!

This is my first time posting on Vocation Station(and Phatmass) so forgive me if this is a little wonky.

I've been discerning a vocation to the religious life for about 4 years. I am still in high school, so it has been a little difficult. 

I have felt a calling to Carmel, more specifically the Ancient Observance Branch. I was actually rejected from a Teresian Monastery. They did not feel that I had a vocation to their Carmel because of my former struggles with anxiety. 

I have tried to also discern the active religious life. Unfortunately, I have not felt called to the active life.

My parents do not understand that I do not feel called to active life. I have tried to help them understand, but they have shut me out.  They feel that I am just shutting myself in one place, and that I will wake up ten years down the line and realize I am not happy in the cloister. 

If you have any advice or books that would help ease me or my parent's strife, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you again!

[JHFamily]

Unfortunately, there may be nothing that you can do that can help them. Most of the time parents come around when they experience their daughter's happiness in the cloister. Sometimes, it just helps to meet the community. Parents can sometimes be helpful in guiding their children but not always. You must know your own heart and honestly assess your own capabilities.

There are some lovely books about that life, though, which may or may not be helpful (but you'll love them). Immediately, "A Few Lines To Tell You: My Life in Carmel", written from the perspective of a postulant (and later becomes a novice) who writes letters to her parents helping them understand her life and giving them glimpses at some of the traditions at Carmel. A sweet, easy read. Also, "My Beloved" and "The Right to be Merry". There is also a sweet little slide show created by a young lady for her relatives that did not understand her entering the cloister. It's not professional, but it is from the heart. (Watch it to the very end!)

You're still quite young, and youth is often accompanied by anxiety. You refer to "former struggles", which to me suggests that as you've matured, you've learned how to cope with stressful situations. I just don't think that should be an impediment. Was it very severe? If not, I'm not sure that you need to mention it unless you still are dealing with it or believe it may crop up again.

[SorrowfulHeart]

7 hours ago, JHFamily said:

 

There are some lovely books about that life, though, which may or may not be helpful (but you'll love them). Immediately, "A Few Lines To Tell You: My Life in Carmel", written from the perspective of a postulant (and later becomes a novice) who writes letters to her parents helping them understand her life and giving them glimpses at some of the traditions at Carmel. A sweet, easy read. Also, "My Beloved" and "The Right to be Merry". There is also a sweet little slide show created by a young lady for her relatives that did not understand her entering the cloister. It's not professional, but it is from the heart. (Watch it to the very end!)

You're still quite young, and youth is often accompanied by anxiety. You refer to "former struggles", which to me suggests that as you've matured, you've learned how to cope with stressful situations. I just don't think that should be an impediment. Was it very severe? If not, I'm not sure that you need to mention it unless you still are dealing with it or believe it may crop up again.

Thank you so much! I haven't heard of many of these books. 

My anxiety wasn't too severe. I went to counseling for a year with a lovely Catholic counselor to make sure that it didn't fester. That counselor was the one who actually helped me through the first stages of my discernment. 

Thank you again 💓 

[JHFamily]

13 hours ago, SorrowfulHeart said:

I went to counseling for a year with a lovely Catholic counselor to make sure that it didn't fester.

Sounds like something that doesn't need to get mentioned considering your age and the shortness of the anxiety.

[Nunsuch]

Do keep in mind that books written 60-70 years ago (Right to Be Merry, My Beloved, etc.), in the pre-Vatican II era. may or may not be descriptive of any monastery you are considering today. You are always better off getting advice and recommendations from the community you might discern with. I have read and enjoyed both those books, but they need to be understood for what they are, and are not.

[GraceUk]

I think these are really good points Nunsuch. I have read both these books but didnt really think about the way things have changed a great deal in a lot of monasteries of enclosed nuns.  Another favourite if mine is Barefoot Journey and Spring comes Barefoot. But again these were written I think in the 1960's. 

 

[Hannie_f]

Walled About with God - a bit more of an academic read but it certainly helped my parents grapple with the idea of cloistered life a bit more, especially what that looks like for specifically as a woman and the dimension of being a bride to Christ. You can ask the Novice Mistress / Mother Abbess to meet with your parents too, or they might even offer to - my NM did. Also pray for your parents too, something I forget a lot is how hard it is for them too. 

Also I second My Beloved and A right to be merry, both beautiful books and A Right to be Merry really helped me articulate that my vocation was enclosed.

[Nunsuch]

2 hours ago, GraceUk said:

I think these are really good points Nunsuch. I have read both these books but didnt really think about the way things have changed a great deal in a lot of monasteries of enclosed nuns.  Another favourite if mine is Barefoot Journey and Spring comes Barefoot. But again these were written I think in the 1960's. 

 

I've also read Barefoot Journey--it was a good read, but probably not all that descriptive of things in 2022.

[GraceUk]

3 hours ago, Nunsuch said:

I've also read Barefoot Journey--it was a good read, but probably not all that descriptive of things in 2022.

Absolutely Nunsuch. . In one of the books the nuns were travelling by train to another foundation and they wore face veils because they were outside the enclosure. I didnt even know nuns wore face veils outside even in those far off days.  But maybe describing a journey made in the 1950s. 

[gloriana35]

Since you are very young, and already have been discerning for four years, don't worry that the monastery you mentioned did not think you were suitable. If you have clinical anxiety, then that would need to be revealed in your medical notes, but temporary anxiety is not at all unusual in adolescence. I am inclined to think that you still are a very young candidate. I could be your grandmother (and I never have been cloistered), but I can remember when monasteries might receive enquiries from those who saw it as a highly romantic life. (Your remaining strong in commitment for four years would show this is not a whim.)

If you find a monastery with which you begin discernment, I'm sure your contact can give you valuable resources, about religious life in general and their specific life. When Mother Francis wrote "A Right to be Merry," I believe in 1948, she mentioned that mothers who'd have loved to have daughters in active life were confused about the cloister, and sometimes quite sad. Even thirty years later, as I can tell you, most Catholics thought religious life of all sorts was obsolete. If your parents are supportive of your being in consecrated life, even if they are uncomfortable with enclosure, that is a blessing.
 

[Tessa]

I think it's great to expose our parents to nuns in the cloister (or monks!) and let them see that they are women of great compassion, knowledge and humanity. HUMANITY being absolutely something I think parents worry about! They just need to witness the beauty (but also the normality) of some of the things cloistered women experience, and the only thing to do there is to let them meet happy religious who are able to articulate their life experiences. 

It's true also that often it's key to highlight the formation process for parents. Postulancy is 'to postulate'- it's to question, it's to mutually discern, it's to ask... novitiate too. It's a slow process. You don't enter and make vows right away, you don't make a huge commitment straight away. If that were the case, sure you might wake up and decide you're unhappy 10 years in!! But it isn't- it's slow, it becomes apparent, it unfolds. Sometimes parents don't realise how long it really takes to become a nun. And while there are true and important commitments along the way, they are steps towards something much bigger and those steps are slow and questioning and mutual. Familiarity with these stages, especially now Cor Orans has made it longer, might help your parents know how much time you'd have to ask the 'big questions'.

[SorrowfulHeart]

Thank you all for your wonderful replies!  I've been communicating with an Ancient Observance Carmelite monastery in Connecticut(they are not quite official, still building their monastery). My mom has been the one more open to the idea of a monastic vocation, and she has been talking to a sister at the monastery. My dad, as a convert, has been very reluctant to speak to any of the sisters. I've been trying to convince him to write to the monastery, but it has been very slow.

Thank you for all your advice! I will take some time to find and read all the books you recommended.

[GraceUk]

Do you mean they are going to be a new foundation.  I was wondering  why they are unofficial. Make sure they have the full approval  of the Catholic  church and not a kind of breakaway community. Sorry if I have misunderstood what you mean. 

[SorrowfulHeart]

Yes they are going to be a new foundation. I don't really know all the "technical" language, so please forgive me. Thank you GraceUK for clarifying.

[GraceUk]

Absolutely nothing to forgive Sorrowfulheart. I was just concerned that the community might be one of those who dont have the church's approval as there has been some discussion about this from time to time on Phatmass.  . But as they are a new foundation this explains it.    I am certainly not up on Technical language of the church!     I hope your discernment goes well and you find  the community you are seeking.  Im sure you will get plenty of support on here.