Determining if something is mortal sin

[Jane18]

I am new to the forum so I am sorry if I post it the wrong way but I would really like to hear your opinion on this.

So yesterday before mass I started to get really sad (I do not even really know why) and I had this thought in my mind that I should not receive communion (I do not think that I was in mortal sin at that point because my last confession had been the day before and I did not really commit any grave sin since then or so I hope). So I spent the entire mass not being focused but arguing with myself om whether I should receive communion or not and I kept changing my mind constantly and I got to a point where I was just crying during most parts of the mass. I then decided to receive communion anyways because I thought that I needed His strength and thought I should receive since one confessor told me to always receive unless I'm 100% sure I am in mortal sin.

However I think that it was a mistake because after I received communion everything got worse and I had this anger start to well up in me for no reason and on my drive home I kept thinking that it would be better if I had never been born because I thought that my mere existence is an offense to God (like even if I do not do something bad for once I still felt like even me just breathing is offensive). On top of that I just feel like everything is a sin (like I cannot even go 2 minutes without sinning because no matter what I do it is sinful anyways).

So when I got home the really bad thoughts started: I thought that I want to quit the faith (as obviously I felt like it only hurts me instead of giving me hope), I said I do not want to pray anymore and have nothing to do with God anymore etc. And then I had thoughts that really are blasphemous I guess like that I would not be happy in heaven because God is there and that I would rather jump into hell to escape Him and I even had this wish well up in me that I wanted to be present at the Lord's passion in order to scourge Him myself and inflict pain on Him. When I had all of these thoughts I thought to myself I should stop because I might be committing mortal sin but I said to myself I could not care less right now (so I guess I decided that I want to do what I know to be bad making it mortal) 

It is now the next morning and I woke up and my first thought was that I was in mortal sin but I am not sure how deliberate the consent was. I mean about the hurting the Lord thing: usually when I meditate on His Passion I cry because He suffered so much for me so it is really not typical for me to want to increase His suffering but maybe I did consent to it and thought that it was good. And obviously mortal sin is turning away from God which is exactly what I did by saying I want nothing to do with Him anymore. 

So I guess now the question would be if this whole episode constitutes mortal sin or not ? Please do not just tell me I should go to confession anyways no matter if it is mortal or not just to be sure. I just went to confession 2 days ago and theoretically I am only supposed to go once a month (which is not something my priest said but something a priest told me to do whom I spoke to online and asked for advice and he told me to only confess once a month to learn to trust in God's mercy, unless of course mortal sin is there). So if I am not in mortal sin I do not really want to go to confession but I truly do not know. 

[Luigi]

I'm no priest, and my opinion is free - remember that you get what you pay for. But it sounds to me like your dealing with emotions rather than sins. 

- "I started to get sad (I do not even really know why)." This is not a decision; it's an emotion.

- "I was just crying during most of the Mass." Again, not a decision; it's an emotion. 

- "I had this anger start to well up in me for no reason." Not a decision; an emotion. 

- Breathing is not an offense to God. More emotion. 

As far as I can tell, you never once "set your mind against God." So, to me, it's not sin of any kind, much less mortal sin. Having a thought or an emotion is not a sin. Acting on the thought or emotion, when you know you shouldn't, that's the sin. And mortal sin has to involve grave matter. 

But you might want to talk to someone you trust - not necessarily a priest - about your emotions. Have you had these kinds of "feelings out of nowhere" before? Often? About religious ideas or more about personal relationships, etc.? The emotions seem to be beyond your control and to upset you, so you might want to think about how often you experience that. 

Again, that's just my two cents worth, and the mint has quit making pennies, so take it for what it's worth. 

Edited January 20 by Luigi

[DandelionDaffodil]

I am not a priest or contemplative religious, but only a reader of Saint Faustina's writings. I don't know if this would be of comfort to you, but she described a similar experience in her diary, at a certain stage of her contemplative prayer. She was asked under obedience to receive Communion during this time even if she felt unworthy, and later emerged from it realizing that God had always been very close to her. https://www.seraphim.my/divinemercy/diary/text/DiaryI(51-100).htm

Quote

At this point, however, the soul is engulfed in a horrible night. It sees within itself only sin. It feels terrible. It sees itself completely abandoned by God. It feels itself to be the object of His hatred. It is but one step away from despair. The soul does its best to defend itself; it tries to stir up its confidence; but prayer is an even greater torment for it, as this prayer seems to arouse God to an even greater anger.

[little2add]

Age of Reason,  The time of life at which a person is assumed to be morally responsible and able to distinguish between right and wrong.  It is generally held to be by the end of the seventh year, although it may be earlier.

By the age of seven most children are capable of determining right from wrong (mortal sin), of course, a child's mind is influenced by the environment within which they live or raised.  

That is why observing the sacraments of baptism and first communion are of the most importance.

 

[FamulaDomini]

Involuntary thoughts are only sinful if one entertains them. I would recommend getting a spiritual director or at least a regular confessor from whom to receive spiritual guidance on these matters. It is true that a person suffering from scruples should probably frequent confession less often than they themselves think necessary.