As I Get Older

[Lil Red]

...the more I think I am like my grandfather. He was a hard-working man, a hard man period; a strict man. Never one to share his faith, or wear his heart on his sleeve. But he did have heart. My dad tells the story when my uncle (my dad's brother) died in Vietnam, and his dad (my grandpa) really didn't show emotion, until one night shortly after they received the news. My aunt was still living at home at the time, and one night woke up and went down to the kitchen. In the stairwell, she heard something. It was her father (my grandfather) crying at the kitchen table. She left him alone in his grief.

The older I get, the more I think I'm taking on many of my grandfather's personality. The older I get, the more I find it alien to share my faith and my beliefs with others. The more I find it alien to talk about what I believe. And how alien I find it when I hear others talking so spontaneously and joyously about what they believe.

I have, for most of my life, been someone who doesn't share my deeper emotions with others. I don't cry in front of others, partly because I am such a private person. And sometimes that elicits a strange response from people. People don't understand why I won't share my feelings with them. Sometimes people figure if you're a woman, you're going to cry and be weepy and emotional. I'd rather not.

[Guest]

i know what you mean
the older i get the harder it is to show my feelings........

[Brother Adam]

I understand where you are coming from. I believe there are only two people who have seen me cry (in adulthood) - my wife and my confessor. My dad never shows emotions. Very strict and always has a blank face. If anything everyone always thinks he is angry (I always did). People always see me as boring ( ). But we are who we are. I always try to keep in mind though that no matter who my personality is, I must let Christ shine through me.

[homeschoolmom]

<------------ :irate: :rotfl:

It's never too hard to figure out what I'm thinking.

[Extra ecclesiam nulla salus]

i show my emotions i guess but so does my whole family.

[journeyman]

Lil Red

Twin sister from a different mother? Or are we a standard psychological package?

I don't know the answers, but I do know the symptoms.

Stay close to those with whom you can discuss your thoughts, fears, dreams . . . yes, those emotional things . . . sometimes talking over it yourself just isn't good enough . . . stay on the look out for new folks you can let in to that inner circle . . . and stay close to Jesus . . . who probably has a lot better answers than I do . . . what am I saying? There is no probably about it!

[Lil Red]

thanks so much journeyman!

[IcePrincessKRS]

I know what you mean... but I fear becoming like some of my grandparents. Give me their good qualities and throw away the rest (especially my father's mother, I already know I have enough of her negative qualities as it is!).

[Carrie]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' date='Jun 26 2005, 05:48 PM']<------------    :irate:    :rotfl:   

It's never too hard to figure out what I'm thinking.
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Same here. I wear my emotions on my sleeve.

[J.R.D]

As I get older more things seem dull to me why is that?

[sweetpea316]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' date='Jun 26 2005, 03:48 PM']<------------    :irate:    :rotfl:   

It's never too hard to figure out what I'm thinking.
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Ha! Same here....

[Sarah_JC]

[quote name='Carrie' date='Jun 27 2005, 12:18 PM']Same here.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve.
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I wear them on my face...

[shelly_freak]

I've always been the one to cry at the snap of your fingers. It's gotten better with age but if I see someone else crying there's a good possibility I'll start crying with them. I've noticed this especially at camp where I've always cried when I'd go comfort someone else crying. This year was my first year at camp to not truly cry. I think it's come with age but I still have to hold it back.

[Ash Wednesday]

It's interesting that you would share that because I'm in a similar boat. My father is like that, and my grandfather was this way as well. Life where you kept a stiff upper lip.

Growing up I always resented that. And yet, at the same time I find I exhibit those same qualities in myself and shy away from "touchy feeliness." I am sometimes hesitant with hugging friends and saying goodbyes are always a bit awkward for me. If I'm in hard times, I tend to withdraw to be by myself in a fortress of steel and would rather do this before ever asking for help.

When I was in college it was easier for me to share my faith because I enjoyed a great deal of consolation then. It would just bubble out naturally. But over the years and sharing my faith with a friend who became a Catholic but then turned around and stepped all over it, my faith to me became like a very precious pearl that I want to guard and I'm afraid of sharing for fear the deep hurt I feel when it is mocked and insulted. (Like last year having my brother mock the idea of praying to St. Anthony when I suggested it...) so I can be more touchy and sensitive than I should be, but I'm praying to God to help me in this area. Sometimes I'll be wearing a holy medal or something that people will ask me about and if I'm Catholic, and I don't have a problem saying "Yes, I'm a Catholic and this is a St. Benedict medal blah blah"

One time I actually ended up discussing NFP with a couple next to me on the plane and explaining why I believed in it. The girl was Episcopal and the man was Catholic and they were pretty serious in their relationship. I honestly don't remember how we got to talking about that.

I'm a firm believer in sincerety when sharing one's faith. It really does have to be something that just bubbles out with humility and joy, because people will see right through the fakeness.

So lately I've been cultivating a very simple faith like my mother's was -- I find that not overstessing myself in religious matters allows me to be less afraid of guarding that "pearl" and letting that authentic happy faith to shine through and at times bubble over. But I've got a long way to go.

I'm really not very good at hiding my emotions, however. I'm not good with confrontation and try to stay "even tempered" but people can tell from a subtle sour look on my face if I'm mad.

[karin]

i am sorta a mix like i never ever cry in front of people if some one sees me cry it is a rare event but also alot of times if you look at my face you can tell what i am thinking. i dont know i think i must be just weird

[Ash Wednesday]

Oh yeah, I feel the need to cry during the most.... INCONVENIENT times. I don't cry when one is "expected" to cry. Noooo... I cry at random times, like before an important meeting, or if I'm at a party, when relatives are over and I'm supposed to be hosting or "having fun" or some other god awful time...

[karin]

oh dear that must be fruserating

[ForHimAlone]

[quote name='karin' date='Jun 27 2005, 05:13 PM']i am sorta a mix like i never ever cry in front of people if some one sees me cry it is a rare event but also alot of times if you look at my face you can tell what i am thinking. i dont know i think i must be just weird
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Ditto for me! I do cry a lot, but I like to be in a place where no one else will see. On the other hand, I'm no actress. You can tell how I'm feeling by looking at my face and especially, my eyes, I think. I guess I'm weird with you, Karin!

[journeyman]

Ash . . . another twin on the board . . . that "stiff upper lip" model gets me in trouble all the time . . . ask me, and I'm fine, I'm well, I'm vertical and breathing . . . and sometimes inside I'm screaming at myself . . . you are such a liar . . . but it's MY problem, and I don't want to make it THEIR problem (that's where the "offer it up" phrase makes sense, even if I can't do it, personally)

if the precious pearl isn't placed in front of the oil wick, the lighthouse won't have a lens (ok, I could have just said put your light on top of the basket) . . . The pearl of faith is a gift from God . . . if you cast it before swine, God, like the guys who make Fritos, will make more.

I'm not good at this myself, but I think faith is one of those gifts that you'll never run out of when you share it with the spirit of Jesus uppermost in your mind and heart . . . God bless you for trying - and simple works for me

[Carrie]

[quote name='Ash Wednesday' date='Jun 27 2005, 07:15 PM']Oh yeah, I feel the need to cry during the most.... INCONVENIENT times. I don't cry when one is "expected" to cry. Noooo... I cry at random times, like before an important meeting, or if I'm at a party, when relatives are over and I'm supposed to be hosting or "having fun" or some other god awful time...
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This happens to me all the time! At work, while I'm on a bus, and on and on. I always keep tissues and visine in my purse because of this.