Really Curious

[Nicole8223]

I posted this before, but it didn't get answered, so I thought I would try again.

I am in a committed relationship, on it's way to marriage. I have a friend who is also engaged, and she told me she was listening to a tape series by Kimberly Hahn about How to be a holy wife. In the tapes, she said that it was mentioned that when you are with someone you love, that no one should come before that. (Duh..) But also that you should not share anything with someone that is not information also available to your spouse. It even went so far as to say you should not keep anything from your spouse that others may share with you.

So my question is, should there never be a time when I keep something from my spouse? If a friend tells me something and then asks, please keep this between us, should I say that I share everything with my husband and so I cannot make that promise?

Thanks!

PS...On a side note, is this applicable now, before we are married?

[Laudate_Dominum]

There are no official teachings that I am aware of that explicitly address this question. It is a matter of personal discernment between spouses. All individuals and couples are different and I can imagine scenarios in which it would be best for someone to keep something from their spouse (albeit extraordinary scenarios), for example a surprise party for your spouse. To give a more grave example, perhaps a scenario in which the husband is abusive to the children and the wife hides a child’s report card and keeps the grades a secret to spare the child a beating from drunk deadbeat dad. Alright, that was an atrocious example.

But anyway, I think harmless secrets are common in marriages (even very healthy ones). I know in the past my own mother has given me a bit of money to help me out and kept this information from her husband. Mothers are always usurping their husbands; it's almost a sacred right that wives and mothers possess. lol

Alright, you're certainly getting a perspective that differs from that of Kimberly Hahn, but that's the point, it is to some extent a matter of opinion.
The Church's guidance is in the form of its moral teachings as well as the Catholic vision of marriage and married love. While there is not a definition for every detail in the moral life or married state, there is a trajectory and spirit to the Church's teachings, such that when these teachings are fully grasped and internalized they inform a person’s actions and decisions, making possible the correct discernment of these types of matter.
So in one sense yes, the Church teaches that married couples ought to strive for a unity of spirit of the highest degree possible in this life. This implies being open and honest and sincere. But life is a complicated, multi-faceted affair, and I don't think one needs to be scrupulous in order to be faithful to the ideals of Christian marriage.

If a friend shares something with you and asks you to tell no one, you might mention that it may be difficult to not tell your spouse because you are accustomed to sharing everything and if the person is comfortable with that so be it.
Generally these cases pertain to information that has no bearing on your life or relationship so keeping it secret is really of no consequence (for example the fact that a girl friend's natural color is brown or something). And in more serious cases (like the friend confiding in you that she was once a witch or something) there should exist an understanding between spouses that they may bear secrets of friends and this secrecy ought to be respected by the other spouse. There is no obligation to betray secrets to a spouse if they are not related to the family. In fact friends respect this privacy of secrets amongst each other and I would say it is healthy when this exists between spouses. Although this should not conflict with the openness and unity of life which is proper to married love.

So, if a couple is striving for holiness I believe that the virtue of prudence, the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and the graces of married love will guide in discerning the most loving and godly course of action in the decisions of their daily lives. The rules are not that concrete, I would say your questions hold true in general, but must still be examined on the level of the particular situation, and many times it will not be black and white, but will be your own discernment. If you find yourself keeping things from each other on a regular basis or out of reasons of fear, anger, jealousy, guilt, etc.. there is a problem. But if you promised your sister in 5th grade that you would never tell anyone that you saw her kiss James Garner on the back of the school bus, don't worry about telling your husband.

Thank you and God bless.

[Laudate_Dominum]

[quote]PS...On a side note, is this applicable now, before we are married? [/quote]
This depends. If you are engaged I'd say it can be pretty important to sort of get warmed up for the married state. If you're not yet engaged the rules are a bit different. It is better to have more autonomy at this stage to have a clear discernment of marriage. Getting too close and intimate (I'm speaking emotionally here) can lead to premature attachment and can make it difficult to end the relationship if you discern that you are not called to marry each other. My personal opinion is that in the pre-engagement stage it is important to respect certain boundaries that must exist because you are not yet married. This could still be someone else's future spouse. And quite frankly, you shouldn't be asked (or feel compelled) to trust someone with "everything" at this stage.
I see dating kind of like a dance, and one of the tensions is in this balance between autonomy and unity. This tension is resolved in marriage, but not entirely. Actually, dating is just getting your feet wet, in one sense marriage is the real dance.

Anyway, I sometimes think of the Song of Songs in the Bible, how the lover often addresses his beloved as "my sister, my bride". Something significant is that he sees her first as his sister, I think this is crucial. Dating should not have an emphasis on spousal intimacy and love (it would be living a lie if it did), but ought to be grounded in, and cultivate, love and respect as for a sister (or brother). This means respecting the person's autonomy, and being prepared to respect their freedom should they decide that they do not want to pursue the relationship in a romantic way anymore. And this familial kind of love will become the foundation for your married love, so your husband will be able to say from his hear, "my sister, my bride".

Only when a man can respect your privacy, your freedom and your mystery, is he worthy of consideration for encountering and sharing all that you are in the holy union of marriage. If you ask me. Remember that one of the biggest effects of the fall in men, and one of the signs of immaturity and unhealthy tendencies with regard to relationships in men, is this urge to appropriate and possess, rather than die and give everything like Christ. But women have their own side of the coin that is equally difficult. In my experience, many women are often prone to a kind of narcissism in relationships (sometimes very subtle). So women too must strive and die, in their own way, to make that total gift of self that marriage calls us to. But that total gift is not possible nor perhaps appropriate, in a situation that lacks that foundation of respect of the person as a first a child of God.

Regards.