JOKES

[heavenseeker]

lets us hear (read) your fav joke. or just one that you find funny.





ok ill start but it wount be all that funny



what do you get when you get a lot of catholics together on a website?
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do you know? if not keep going.
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[b][i]PHATMASS[/i][/b]

Edited September 26, 2005 by heavenseeker

[Apollo]

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino?


Eliphino.

[heavenseeker]

i dont get it

[cappie]

Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS....
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him,

"What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said,

"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history..

[LSW]

[quote name='cappie' date='Sep 26 2005, 08:09 PM']Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS....
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him,

"What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said,

"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history..

[right][snapback]738450[/snapback][/right]
[/quote]

[stargirl3:16]

And do you know what Adam got?











More than he bargained for!

[TrinityAddiction]

[quote name='stargirl3:16' date='Sep 26 2005, 09:10 PM']And do you know what Adam got?
More than he bargained for! 
[right][snapback]738523[/snapback][/right]
[/quote]

True story, right there.

[TrinityAddiction]

Okay, so I don't remember this one fully, and I'm probably going to have to ad-lib some of the parts, but I read this out of a Reader's Digest once.

There was a huge swarm of squirrels that was going from town to town and generally taking over. When they reached the first town and went into the church there, the people of the church decided that they couldn't morally harm the animals or even kick them out of the building. So, they eventually overran the town.

The next town's church community decided, upon the squirrels' arrival, that while they refused to hurt the squirrels, they would peacefully take them out of their building and let them leave of their own will. This only lasted a few days, until the squirrels returned and overran the second town.

The third town, however, had a different approach. Though they didn't harm or kick out the squirrel population residing in their building, they baptized them and entered them as official members of the church. Then the squirrels only came twice a year- at Easter and Christmas!

[cappie]

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2005 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

[Old_Joe]

This statement is false.

[infinitelord1]

so this kid.......he was out playin baseball one day........with himself.........since he was the only one........he imagined a pitcher at the mound..........the pitcher threw a pitch.........he hits a home run on full count.......great joke huh?

[cappie]

[quote name='cappie' date='Sep 27 2005, 11:09 AM']Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS....
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him,
"What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said,
"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history..

[right][snapback]738450[/snapback][/right]
[/quote]

Adam & Eve had the perfect marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked!

[Philippe]

haha you have the best jokes

[heavenseeker]

[quote name='cappie' date='Sep 26 2005, 08:09 PM']Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS....
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him,

"What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said,

"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history..

[right][snapback]738450[/snapback][/right]
[/quote]
o well

[cappie]

[b]25 Phrases Of Wisdom[/b]
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.







[b]Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers (Part 3)[/b]

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church

The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The Rev. Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The topic for our sermon next week will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice

There will be a special collection today to pay for eight new choir robes. These are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones

There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. This Monday we will be holding a 'Bean Supper' in the church hall. Music will follow

This Friday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study

This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly fellowship.

This week we invite any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir

Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."

"Wise Up, O Men of God". Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

[zabbazooey]

Oh my gosh cappie those are hilarious!!!

Where's parts 1 and 2?

[zabbazooey]

[img]http://www.ilovebacon.com/093005/nicename.jpg[/img]

[Piccoli Fiori JMJ]

[quote]Ushers will eat latecomers.[/quote]
I think a sign like this needs to be prominantly displayed at the enterance of each church, lol

[Old_Joe]

There was a church that had a plaque above the door that said, "Bless all who come through this door." and a sign on the door said, "Please use side door."

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He gets up to the gates and St. Peter stops him says, "There's a final exam before you can enter. You have to answer three questions correctly. First question: How many days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" Forrest thinks about it and answers, "Two." "Correct! What are they?" replies St. Peter. Forrest thinks about it even longer and says, "Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter looks at him and says, "Well, I'll let you have that one since technically you are correct. The answer I was looking for is Tuesday and Thursday. Final question: What is God's name?" Forrest takes his time on this one and finally comes up with the answer, "Harold!" "Harold? I'm sorry, but that's not correct." replied St. Peter. "Yes it is!" Forrest insisted, "'Cause when I pray like my Mama taught me I say, 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name...'"

[cappie]

Two politicians had locked themselves out of their car, and unfortunately some important papers they needed for a meeting were inside. "Let's use a coat hanger to pull up the lock," suggested the first.

"Oh, no," argued the second. "Someone might see us and think we were trying to break in."

"Then we could use my pocketknife to cut away the rubber around the window and stick our fingers through to pull up the lock."

"No, no! People would think we're too stupid to know how to use a coat hanger to open cars."

"Well, we'd better do something fast. The top's down and it's starting to rain."