A Sexual Question

[Guest sue]

My husband and I are recent converts to Catholicism. We've been married almost 5 years and rather enjoy S&M. We are wondering if The Church objects to this. We were a bit shy to ask our new pastor...

[Laudate_Dominum]

I am not aware, off hand, of an official teaching of the Church that explicitly mentions S&M behaviour. The question of Christian sexual morality ought not be, "what can I do while yet remaining within the limits of the law?", but rather, "what is the path of truth that will set me free?"

We live in a culture that is essentially the product of an explicit rebellion against Christian sexual ethics; it is utterly imperative that Christian couples be mindful of, and on guard against the influence of a mentality toward sex that is hostile to the true meaning, dignity and holiness of marital union.

Through the redemption of Christ it is possible for spouses to realize and live marriage as it was truly created to be, a co-operation with God and an image of His Divine Life in a way that includes the full breadth of sexuality not merely the procreative dimension.

Human behaviour and activity is a realm full of symbolism and meaning. Some obvious examples might be of course human speech, as well as body language, which includes a vast array of bodily expressiveness.
Anyway, I think it can be helpful to use this approach of sign and symbol when discerning the appropriateness of certain acts, particularly in a sacramental context; for as we know a sacrament is a visible sign that expresses and makes present the supernatural reality.
Now just as anyone with an understanding of the Holy Eucharist could discern the problem with a clown Mass or something of this sort, I'd say it is possible, in light of the truth of marriage, love and sexuality, to perceive acts or elements of acts and/or attitudes which go against the meaning of the sign.
At the most fundamental level, sensual, sexual love is a sign of God's love, especially as manifested in the Mystery of Christ and the Church. So the basic question that can be put forward is whether a given act or behaviour is a true and authentic sign of the reality of God's love. Just as our verbal language can signify a twisted version of reality, and thus be defined as a lie, namely a truth that has been distorted, so too can the language of the body signify and express a truth that has been twisted and distorted.

S&M, as I understand it, consists of acts set in an erotic context that involve bondage, torture, undignified humiliation and the like. I would say that clearly, the essential themes involved represented a distortion of the meaning of conjugal union and are against an authentic Christian ethos. This sort of behaviour creates a scenario which fails to live up to the mutual self-donative holiness of eroticism according to redeemed sexuality.

But I will grant that whatever S&M refers to may be a bit ambiguous. There are activities such as tickling, even wrestling and such, which might simply be a wholesome and fun part of foreplay between spouses and is not necessarily contrary to the structure and meaning of sexual love. This is partly why the legalist approach is inadequate, because spousal love is a path of holiness in the Spirit of God and this path is freedom, not the bondage of the law (no pun intended). So it is in the very Light of God that spouses find the concrete expression of their love and the redemption of the body.

I must go but I would like to say a great deal more regarding this question. I hope to further elaborate as my schedule permits.

God bless you and Mary keep you.