Need a joke, here's a joke

[Maria]

Hey! I'm a blond!

But... never mind.

A blond drove her cadillac to the mall and went shopping. When she came back, a thug with a gun was trying to trash it. Seeing her, he threatened her with the gun, told her to stay still, drew a chalk circle on the ground and told her to stay in it or else. Then he went back to trashing the car. First he he broke the windows and looked at her. She was grinning broadly. Enraged, he slashed the tires. She chuckled. Then he took her key and totally ripped up the interior. She burst out laughing. Finally, in frustration, he asked her why she was laughing when he had just trashed her car. She delightedly replied that every time he had turned away, she had taken a step away from the circle.

[cappie]

Mahatma Gandhi was quite a spiritual person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he didn't eat much. Over time he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as a.....

"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

[missionseeker]

This is also not a joke but is really funny. It could be a loke.
It is a story my great uncle tells. If you knew him, you also would not doubt the possibilty of it's being a true story.


O.K. So here we have Jehova's Wittnesses and they go from door to door and try and convert people. My uncle would get a housecall from them every Saturday and he got REALLY tired of it so, one day he answers the door and says "I don't have time to talk right now come back next week." So on Friday he calls up his brother who is an Indian Cheif so he has the big feather head dress and some sort of "book of spells" as he calls it and borrows them. Then he goes to the store and buys a whole chicken.
On Saturday, he wraps himself in a white sheet and waits. When the Jehova's Wittnesses knock on the door he puts on the head dress, grabs the chicken in one hand and the book in the other, opens the door and says " I can't come right now, I'm sacrificing chickens!" He never saw them again.

[Maria]

Hehe. My brother invited them in several years ago and started debating with them -- they were trying to convert him, and he was trying to convert them. They left and later some senior members came. They debated with him, left, and we've never had them since.

[Maria]

Hey!
I'm a peep now!

[missionseeker]

YAY for you!

[cappie]

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who had just passed away.

At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

[ofpheritup]

[quote name='Maria' date='Oct 13 2005, 10:53 PM']Hey! I'm a blond!

.
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[/quote]


I'm a "recovering" blond.

[ofpheritup]

This is a spin-off of another topic.

I hear fish are great "DE-BAITERS." :

[Piccoli Fiori JMJ]

[quote name='cappie' date='Oct 13 2005, 10:05 PM']Mahatma Gandhi was quite a spiritual person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he didn't eat much. Over time he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as a.....

"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
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[/quote]

[Maria]

[font="Arial"][b]How Many Christians Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb?[/b][/font]

CHARISMATIC: Only one. Hands already in the air.

PENTECOSTAL: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

PRESBYTERIANS: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

ROMAN CATHOLIC: None. Candles only.

BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad. (Yip no good meeting can be without food).

EPISCOPALIANS: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

MORMONS: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. {Ouch!}

UNITARIANS: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of, or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths
to luminescence.

METHODISTS: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or a tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday; bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

NAZARENE: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

LUTHERAN: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

AMISH: What's a light bulb?

[Proud2BCatholic139]

[quote name='Maria' date='Oct 15 2005, 11:20 PM'][font="Arial"][b]How Many Christians Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb?[/b][/font]

AMISH: What's a light bulb?
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Mart, Tum...

ADD!!

[Snarf]

From [i]House of Leaves[/i]:

A pirate captain sees a British galleon on the horizon and prepares for battle. He tells his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt". He ports the red shirt, fights valiantly, and the battle is won.

A week later, the same captain sees three British galleons and prepares the same way, asking for his red shirt. The battle is won, though the pirates are exhausted. The first mate asks him why the red shirt was necessary. "So that should I take a wound, my comrades will not be disheartened in the battle", he replies.

The next week, the call is made that ten galleons are on the horizon. "Your red shirt, captain?", says the first mate. "No, don't worry about the shirt this time," said the captain. "Bring me my brown pants".

[ofpheritup]

Well Pham it's not looking to good for him.

I just read in my local paper that the Energizer Bunny was arrested
and charged with battery.

[avemaria40]

LOL

[Cow of Shame]

John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Old_Joe]

Today in was a bad day for water polo. Several horses drowned during game play. When asked for an interview the surviving horses declined and said, "Neigh"

[ofpheritup]

An elderly man was invited to his friend's home one evening for dinner.

He was impressed by the way his old buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms. Calling her Honey, Sweetheart, Darling, Pumkin, My Love etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years. It was clear they were still very much in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it is wonderful after all the years you have been married, you still call your wife those loving names."

The old man hung his head, "I have to tell you the truth." he said.
"I forgot her name 10 years ago."

[missionseeker]

Gotta love the Brit-Coms

So a vicar and his friend "John" are golfing.John swings a putter and misses and says "D-it missed the putter!" The vicar says "ohn if you say that again, the sky will open up and GOD will strike you with lightening." So on his next turn, John swung and missed the hole again and said" D-it, missed the putter!"
Lo and behold the sky opens up and


























The vicar is struck by lightening and GOD says "D-it! Missed the putter!"


I hope I got the right term there. But you get point.

What do you call a bird that has been run over by a lawnmower?


Shredded tweet.

[Cow of Shame]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it;
wouldn't you rather I draw fresh pints for you one at a time?" The
fellow replies: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in
America and the other, in Australia. When we all left home, we
promised we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and
leaves it there.

The fellow becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes
in and orders two pints. All the regulars notice and fall silent,
speculating about what might have happened to one of the absent
brothers.

When the fellow goes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender
says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss." The fellow looks confused for a
moment and then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs and says: "Oh,
no, everyone's fine. I've just given up beer for Lent."