On Marriage

[Brother Adam]

I thought this was pretty cool browsing the web, so I thought I'd share. The whole thing on what men are like is Sooooo true.

Communication and Having Fun
Compiled by Norman Bates who authors the "Family Matters Newsletter" You know the famous Abbott and Costello routine,
'Who's on first?' about a baseball game in which Mr. Whooze
is on first, Mr. Whats is on second, and Mr. Heeze is on third.
As they move through this conversation the two comedians become
thoroughly and hilariously confused. At one point the
exchange goes like this:

Costello: 'I thought you said he's on second.'
Abbott: 'No, Heeze's on third.'
Costello: 'Who's on third?'
Abbott: 'No, Whooze's on first!'
Costello: 'What?'
Abbott: 'He's on second!'
Costello: 'Who's on second?'
Abbott: 'No, I told you. Whooze's on first.'

It's all very funny. But confusion in communication is generally no laughing matter. It results in hurt feelings, anger, and perhaps broken relationships. Can anything be done about poor communication? Yes, our communication skills can be improved. You know the old line: 'I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.' That doesn't have to be.

Communication is the process of exchanging information, feelings or attitudes through symbols, sounds, signs or behavior. So not all communication is verbal: your eyebrows or hands communicate as much (sometimes more) than your vocal chords.

'Communication theory' is built on the idea that all communication involves a sender, a message, one or more channels, and a receiver. The sender 'encodes' the message in some form; the receiver 'decodes' or interprets the message, and feeds back to the sender some sort of response. But for all this to happen the sender and receiver have to 'connect 'with some common knowledge and experience. So when a message is 'transmitted' it is not necessarily 'comprehended'.
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All meaningful human relationships involves communication, and therefore some conflict when the communication is not understood, or is interpreted as a threat. So for communication in a family to be effective, strong personal relationships are essential: that is, there ought to be a commitment to the well-being of the other/s; you should understand their feelings; there ought to be a significant level of trust; and behaviors ought to be fairly predictable.

Here are nine rules for effective communication within a family or community:

[1] Recognize the uniqueness of each person. They do not inhabit the same 'frame of reference' you do. They feel different feelings. They may even understand words or phrases differently. You bring to a marriage the complex communication-patterns you experienced with your parents. So always be aware of the possibility of misinterpretation. As one psychologist said, 'When married couples say they've never had a disagreement, they are lying, have a poor memory, or one partner has been made a zero in the relationship.'

[2] Be committed to moving beyond superficial to a greater depth of understanding. There are various levels of communication. The most superficial is the cliché level -easy, day-to-day greetings like 'Good morning', 'How did you sleep?' The next level we call reporting - giving factual information without sharing how you feel. Then there is the opinion level. Here you are beginning to take a risk, revealing something of yourself with which another might disagree. In healthy families there is great freedom at this level. Next we have the feeling level: in good communication there is congruence between those communicating. We are truly 'heard', not only in terms of the words we use, but the 'feeling agenda' behind the words. Finally, the highest level of communication is oneness - the rare moments when you feel totally accepted, understood, 'at one' with the other. This is 'gut-level' communication, where you are unafraid to expose who you really are to another. John Powell in his book Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I am? writes: 'I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it's all I have.'
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A well-put-together person has others with whom they relate at various levels; and they know the most appropriate level with each of those persons. If you don't have anyone at the 'oneness' level, find someone, even if you have to pay for the privilege!

[3] Learn to listen. Simon and Garfunkel used to sing a song describing 'people hearing without listening'. You've heard about the man a novelist described as 'far too far out all my life. Not waving but drowning...' Nobody truly 'noticed'. Nobody heard. Nobody listened. Good listening is hard work. It involves concentration: your mind must be present, not miles away. And it requires an open mind, not a prejudicial mind-set. If you are making judgments about the communicator or their ideas, you are not able to truly hear them. Avoid emotional interference: if the other's mannerisms or bad grammar bug you, ignore them, and still try to listen. Or they may say something that causes a 'red flag' to fly in your brain: that will interfere with your hearing too. Remember that you think about four times faster than a person can speak, so you will be summarizing in your mind what you are hearing, listening between the lines for nuances or interpretations you might otherwise miss.

Feed back words and phrases that indicate you're tracking with the other; 'You're saying that...' 'What I hear is...' 'So you feel...'

[4] Getting through depends on credibility. Unless others have confidence in you, they will be less inclined to listen to you. So their perceptions of your reliability, honesty and competence are key factors: and they must perceive that your non-verbal and verbal components agree with each other to be credible. People listen carefully to those they trust.

[5] Try not to be defensive. It's amazing how often married partners will have an irrational argument, and when they come for counseling, they will both agree, 'It was a stupid little thing that started it all!' Well, there's a deeper agenda at work here, and you'd better figure out what it is. For example, if she comes across like an authoritarian mother, the little boy in him will react defensively: he left one of those, and doesn't need another one in his marriage! If he is preoccupied, she will get angry: maybe her father was like that (or was not like that!). If you were criticized a lot as a child, you may tend to be overly critical of your own children. As we have said elsewhere a lot of 'Don't do that!' 'You stupid...' is not necessary for good discipline, and will foster self-doubt in your kids.
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[6] Negotiate 'win-win' conflict resolutions where possible. You may have to compromise. Here's one way we do it. 'Darling, want to go out tonight?' 'Well, I've got a lot to do...' 'Well, why not a movie without the dinner this time... How would that be?' 'O.K.' Such give-and-take are the essence of a strong relationship. (By the way, a diaried time together for married partners on a regular basis is a good idea). What if your partner is irresponsible? Don't rescue them. If they're forgetful, don't buy the line 'I just forget things!' Arrange together to put a list (of birthdays, anniversaries, bills to pay etc.) in a prominent place.

[7] Realize that males and females, in all cultures, communicate differently. In Western cultures men do not easily communicate their feelings. So a question like 'What's bothering you?' is a tough one for a male. Men tend to talk about facts ('objective reality' is one of my favorite phrases when Jan and I have a difference of perception about something). Men want to analyze the problem and suggest solutions; women want to empathize. Men have more difficulty than women hearing the 'pain agenda' in other people. Men tend to interrupt more than women (and they interrupt women more often than women interrupt men). Women are more active listeners; men more passive. (So women are more likely to ask 'Did you hear me? Are you listening?'). Men need to be in control. They may speak more forcefully or loudly when they feel threatened.

[7] Keep it simple. The best communicators put interesting, or even complicated ideas, into simple language. Wisdom and simplicity go together. To communicate clearly, the words and ideas you use should be understood the same way by thehearer. Your aim is to get across your ideas or feelings, not to be impressive. Then, when you have said enough, stop.

However, please note that when some people are asked where they're going they like to describe the scenery on the way. When I ask my wife, for example, when she thinks she will be ready for us to leave, or go to bed, or whatever, she lists all the things she has to do in the meantime - interesting (and I ought to be interested if I love her), but sometimes I only want my question answered!
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By the way, men are usually more economical with words. Yes, he had a 'good' time; she will fill out many of the details. Men are usually 'condensers'; women 'amplifiers'. There's nothing wrong with these approaches, but the amplifier wishes his/her partner would give more details, while the condenser wishes his/her partner would use fewer words. So each has to adapt to the style of the other for the best communication to occur. If your spouse is a condenser, match that style. It works.

[8] Choose your moment to communicate carefully. 'I want to talk, he wants peace and quiet'. Two things to avoid here are'nagging' or resentment. He may be quiet for two reasons, among others: the day has been tension-filled - people,people, people - and he needs solitude. Or the wife may be intimidating in some way and he withdraws into his shell for protection. Men tend to close up if they are accused of being insensitive, selfish, unloving, a failure, sports-mad, or sexist, or if the woman in his life collapses too often into tears! Be quietly direct: 'Would you prefer not to talk just now? Is there another way I can put things so I don't come on too strong?' Work on your timing!

[9] Spice your communication with humor. Couples who laugh together stay together, particularly when each has the kind of self-esteem that doesn't mind a joke at their expense! Research shows that couples who laugh and joke and use pet names for each other have stronger marriages. Laughter, of course, is contagious: it spreads itself around like an infection. Laughter helps reduce stress, tension and anxiety. It is therapeutic: people who laugh live longer. (An exception: humorists, people who are professional laughter-makers, are rarely happy themselves).

[url="http://www.retrouvaille.org/publicity/communic.htm"]http://www.retrouvaille.org/publicity/communic.htm[/url]

[Thy Geekdom Come]

There are two 7's

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Brother Adam' date='Oct 14 2005, 08:50 AM']John Powell in his book Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I am? writes: 'I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it's all I have.'
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Exactly.

[Jaime]

So what is your pet name for Teresa?

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='hot stuff' date='Oct 14 2005, 08:55 AM']So what is your pet name for Teresa?
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Fuzzikins.

[Jaime]

[quote name='Raphael' date='Oct 14 2005, 08:01 AM']    Fuzzikins.
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Micah

I don't know if its appropriate for you to have pet names for another man's wife.


Such a flirt...

[Brother Adam]

[quote name='Raphael' date='Oct 14 2005, 09:01 AM']    Fuzzikins.
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I'll have your head

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='hot stuff' date='Oct 14 2005, 09:05 AM']I don't know if its appropriate for you to have pet names for another man's wife. 
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Well, that's not what I meant, but I suppose it's okay if Adam gets revenge on my by calling Jennie...














































..."Jen"

[Proud2BCatholic139]

Ahhh the horror!!!!!!!!! That's my name!!!!!

[Carrie]

[quote name='Brother Adam' date='Oct 14 2005, 10:05 AM']I'll have your head


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You're just jealous he thought of that name first. :

[Carrie]

[quote name='Proud2BCatholic139' date='Oct 14 2005, 10:30 AM']Ahhh the horror!!!!!!!!! That's my name!!!!!


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Nice to meet you Ahhh the horror.

[Brother Adam]

lol. my pet name is completely unoriginal. and i ain't tellin' no one

[scardella]

The article is good food for thought.

[Sojourner]

[quote name='Brother Adam' date='Oct 14 2005, 08:40 AM']lol. my pet name is completely unoriginal. and i ain't tellin' no one
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Honeybear? Snookums? Pooky? Nanook of the North?

[Jaime]

[quote name='Sojourner' date='Oct 14 2005, 09:05 AM']Honeybear? Snookums? Pooky?
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That would be Don John, Ironmonk and Socrates respectively

[Sojourner]

[quote name='hot stuff' date='Oct 14 2005, 09:52 AM']That would be Don John, Ironmonk and Socrates respectively
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So ... you're going for Nanook of the North? Nookie-poo for short?

[Brother Adam]

lol. I came up with mine after watching Monsters Inc.

[Carrie]

[quote name='Brother Adam' date='Oct 14 2005, 12:12 PM']lol. I came up with mine after watching Monsters Inc.
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Its Boo!

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Brother Adam' date='Oct 14 2005, 09:40 AM']lol. my pet name is completely unoriginal. and i ain't tellin' no one
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I think I know what it is.

My initial guess was just a joke...maybe I'll make another initial guess.

[Lil Red]

googly-bear?