My Heart Is Breaking

[GodChild]

I'm crying as I write these words. I'm in so much pain that if it weren't for the meds I'm on I'd probably finish with myself.
I know that i am completely abandoned by God. He hates me.
Please dont tell me he loves me, I need to pray etc.
He hates me and he spits at me through everyone.

My background is that I dont have any family. They have denounced me as possessed by Satan, I have avoidant personality disorder, severe depression, panic attacks and I am physically ill and deformed.
I am alone. I literally have noone to even open my mouth too. I have NO friends, not one. I live like a recluse, a solitare ... actually i feel like im in solitary confinement.
I'm in so much pain. I was bullied all through school, bashed, defamed, laughed at, had my clothes set alight, lies spread about me. I was kicked out of home by my parents cause Im a monster to them. I'm physically deformed and noone wants to be near me.

I am in so much pain, and it never stops. I want to DIe, I've had enough.
I've spent the last 12 years praying to God, asking him to let me die, but he wont let me. He keeps me alive.
My soul hurts soooo much. I dont want to go to heaven. I hate heaven and all the saints. All i want is to be annihilated and erased out of existence.

I hate my life soo much and I hate God. I have chronic asthma and i can hardly breathe.

I hate Him. Please, if theres one thing you can do, please pray to God to have mercy on me and let me die. PLEASE!
Please ask him cause he wont listen to me.
Ask God to kill me Ask him to end my life and wipe me out of existence.

I hate the Church - everyone speaks nice words but no one will come near a leper like me. All the church wants is money, and money and money - all it does is sick you dry and burden with you guilt

I hate Him, dont tell me God loves me cause those words are so painful to hear. When I hear them i feel sick.
Please ask god to get rid of me.
Please pray that God will kill me soon and wipe me out - i have prayed, and adored in front of the alter for years and years and he hates me. he is so silent and he turns his back on me.

Please ask god to have mercy and let me die.

[Starets]

This I cannot do.

Instead I will pray for your emotional, physical, and spiritual healing.

[A Yearning Heart]

You are not alone; physically maybe but not spiritually. and you definately are not alone here on phatmass. Christ too was hated by the world. He walks with you.

[Theologian in Training]

GodChild (appropriate name),

I just went through all your posts, rather than just this one, maybe you ought to do the same. Perhaps, it is not that you feel abandoned, but that you feel the "sting of His love." Christ showed us the way, and it was a path of suffering, trial, defeat, abandonment, only for the light of the Resurrection, the hope of new life overshadow such darkness, such pain. You think it uncommon to feel that way, and yet, you need only read one or two Psalms and you can see the same things you feel, one minute they are overwhelmed with love, the next they curse Him and regret even being born. It is the fluctuation of living a spiritual life in the world, or rather, the constant battle we wage of trying to love and often failing to do so.

I would imagine you don't hate God as I am sure He does not hate you, but rather, you feel alone, dejected, face to face with only pain, suffering and fear. I have to run and say Mass now, but I want to leave you with something Padre Pio wrote in one of his letters to his spiritual director:

"I am besieged from all sides, constrained by thousands of things to desperately and breathlessly search for he who cruelly wounds and continues to inflict without ever showing himself; contradicted in every way, closed in on all sides, tempted in all things, totally possessed by an external power...I feel my innards burning inside of me. In short, all is subjected to the sword and fire, both body and spirit. And I, with my heart full of sadness and my eyes red and dry for having cried too much, have to bear...all this torment, this total destruction...."

This from one of the greatest saints in our modern day...think about that for a while...


God Bless

Fr. Brian

[Noel's angel]

You are closer to God than you think. In the garden, did Jesus not ask for the cup to be taken from him? He bore the sins of the world. People hated him. Remember, no matter what happens to you, our Lord went first. Nothing he suffered for us was in vain. In the same way, nothing you suffer will be in vain. God's strength is in weakness-it is now that you are closest to God, even though you feel so distant. I will pray, like Christ did in the Garden, that not your will but His be done.

[-I---Love]

Prayers go out to you +

[journeyman]

There are many others in similar situations - not that any two are the same.

For example:

[quote]My background is that I dont have any family. They have denounced me . . . I have avoidant personality disorder, severe depression, panic attacks and I am physically ill and deformed.
I am alone. I literally have noone to even open my mouth too. I have NO friends, not one. I live like a recluse, a solitare ... actually i feel like im in solitary confinement.[/quote]Family separations evolve through many causes . . . personalities, finances, work or school responsibilities, divorce, medical issues, old age; others I can's think of right now . . . while the connections to your biological family aren't working, there are others open to you . . . you may have to create those new connections . . . others may come to you offering connections . . . possible members of your extended family include those at your parish, your medical care givers, people at work or school, some one you see every day riding the bus(?) . . . if you feel that the door to your biological family has been firmly closed, there may be - there must be - another to open . . . look for it - it may be hiding in plain sight, an option that you had rejected waiting for you to reconsider it


[quote]I was bullied all through school, bashed, defamed, laughed at, had my clothes set alight, lies spread about me. I was kicked out of home by my parents cause Im a monster to them. I'm physically deformed and noone wants to be near me.[/quote]

I was the target of a "fire starter" in school . . . I guess I was fortunate in that I was aware of it before any serious damage was incurred (except to my clothes) and was able to snuff out the flames . . . the school was more concerned than I was . . . I suspect people laugh, snicker, and believe all sorts of things about me . . . some of which might be true, most of which probably aren't . . . but who cares what they think? People have opinions about lots of things, but if those opinions are founded in ignorance (of you, of the facts), then it is only an opinion; and if they won't change it upon learning the truth . . . of if they don't want to learn the truth . . . then "dust off your sandals" and leave them behind



[quote]I am in so much pain, and it never stops.[/quote]The same is said by terminal cancer patients, or those with severe arthritis, or a host of other ailments. Their pain is physical, and the medical community can only alleviate it by drugs. I was talking with a hospital counselor two weeks ago, who said some physical pains have emotional causes, and he had found that just listening to others sometimes works better than all the pain killers in the pharmacy. Are you a good listener? Can you empathize with others who feel they've been handed a raw deal?



[quote] I want to DIe, I've had enough.
I've spent the last 12 years praying to God, asking him to let me die, but he wont let me. He keeps me alive.[/quote]

He keeps all of us alive. Why does he keep you alive even though in pain? I'm sure it isn't out of spite. The scriptures are full of evidence that God plans . . . and those plans involve the most unlikely participants . . . what will He do if you aren't there and ready when your part comes around?


[quote]I hate my life soo much [/quote]Is that a John 12:25 type of hate? Look for the light


[quote]no one will come near a leper like me. All the church wants is money, and money and money - all it does is sick you dry and burden with you guilt[/quote]

Blessed Damian followed the example of Jesus and specifically ministered to the lepers of Molokai.
(In 2003, the Catholic Church operated 656 medical centers for leprosy victims. There were 327 in Asia and 254 in Africa, the continents were pockets of the disease remain troublesome. There are an estimated 500,000 leprosy victims in the world today. [url="http://www.cwnews.com/news/viewstory.cfm?recnum=34934"]Catholic World News[/url])
Is it burdening you with guilt to ask "can you help with this problem (or another like it)?" The work may well smell of elderberries you dry, but I suspect you will feel better because you are doing something.


[quote]i have prayed, and adored in front of the alter for years and years and he hates me. he is so silent and he turns his back on me.
[/quote]I have just started listening hard . . . only in my second year . . . I don't think it is that He is silent, I think it is more that I am noisy . . . my mind is always racing. . . changing subjects . . . looking ahead, looking behind . . . so I don't hear anything either.

I think I saw something about Mother Teresa along the lines of a very vibrant and real spiritual awareness of Jesus' presence when she was younger . . . followed by decades of nothing, of feeling cut off ("Dark Night of the Soul" stuff . . . which I haven't read yet) . . . those were the same decades that she ministered in Calcutta . . . does one really need to feel the presence of God to do His work?

Then there is the possibility that I've been told a dozen times, but don't want to hear it, don't recognize it when I hear it (puts hands over eyes, ears and mouth and goes "la la la la la la la") . . . and I'd probably delete without reading an e-mail with a sender name of Jesus . . .



[quote]Please ask god to have mercy and let me die.[/quote]

We had a baptism this morning . . . which reminds me that baptism is not just water splashing, it is a "mini-death" . . . through which, with Jesus, we rise to a new life. "Walk always as children of the light and keep the flame of faith alive in your heart." That was prayed over the newly baptized; suggesting that we have to walk the walk and tend our own flames.

I can't pray as you wish . . . I can and will pray for you.

[GodChild]

I feel like I can feel the devil around me, attacking me and assaulting me and there's no rest from it.
I feel very tired

[Starets]

I can understand that. I wish I had a "magic bullet" solution for you but I do not. I will continue to pray for your emotional, physical, and spiritual health. You have been given some very good advice by some of the others who have posted on here. I hope you can mull them over and take something of value from that.

[Noel's angel]

[quote name='GodChild' post='1235397' date='Apr 9 2007, 01:40 AM']I feel like I can feel the devil around me, attacking me and assaulting me and there's no rest from it.
I feel very tired [/quote]

Just try to keep fighting. The best weapon against Satan is prayer. I would recommend that you read about St. Padre Pio and his great suffering. I was just reading some of his quotations, and a number of them made me think of you:

"From time to time Jesus alleviates my sufferings when He speaks to my heart. Oh, yes, my father, the good Jesus is very much with me! Oh, what precious moments I have with Him! It is a joy which I can liken to nothing else. It is a happiness that the Lord gives me to enjoy almost only in suffering. In such moments, more than ever, everything in the world pains and annoys me and I desire nothing except to love and to suffer. Yes, my dear father, in the midst of all these sufferings I am happy because I feel my heart throb in unison with the heart of Jesus. Now, imagine what consolation the knowledge of possessing Jesus with certainty infuses in my heart!"

"Do not disturb your soul at the sad spectacle of human injustice .... One day you will see the inevitable triumph of Divine justice over it."
"
"In my greatest sufferings, it seems to me that I no longer have a mother on this earth, but a very compassionate one in Heaven."

Imagine Jesus crucified in your arms and on your chest, and say a hundred times as you kiss His chest, "This is my hope, the living source of my happiness; this is the heart of my soul; nothing will ever separate me from His love."

"Love Jesus, love Him very much, but to do this, be ready to love sacrifice more."

"The more you are afflicted, the more you ought to rejoice, because in the fire of tribulation the soul will become pure gold, worthy to be placed and to shine in the heavenly palace."

Our Lord sometimes makes you feel the weight of the cross. This weight seems unbearable but you carry it because in His love and mercy, the Lord helps you and gives you strength."

There are so many more. If you want to read more, this is the site: [url="http://www.padrepiodevotions.org/index.asp?pagename=wordsoffaith"]http://www.padrepiodevotions.org/index.asp...me=wordsoffaith[/url]

NEVER GIVE UP!

[Piamaria]

Dear One,

First I want to say that I am also praying for you. Your words call to mind the words of scripture from the past week's liturgies. "We saw him, despised and afflicted, a man of sorrow." And indeed he was. But it is our infirmities he bore , the payment for our sins that he accepted Please continue to reach out. Remember your life is a treasure beyond price, and we do not know how God is using this treasure. I will continue to pray for you, and other, wise people in the phamily will have good advice. You just hang on and know that He is faithful.

your sister,

Piamaria

[Moneybags]

I am so sorry to read that. I hope that you do understand, in time, that God loves each of us. Looking at a Crucifix shows this.

I have read this before and thought of this when I read your post. I hope that after meditating on it, this helps:

"All things, even death and humilitation, help to save us"

[Paddington]

GodChild,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I know very little, but you sound better off than you realize. (Spiritually speaking.)
And there are plenty of people on here who want to be a good friend to you.
Once again, I'm sorry and I know that I don't know what it is like.

Peace and Prayers,
Paddington