Been Awhile...

[Sanvean]

It's been such a long time since I have posted anything here, and so much has changed.

The last time we spoke, I was struggling with some decisions that needed to be made regarding my education. Not long after that, things began spiralling out of control. It's a long, and pretty dreary story, so I'll spare you the details(if you really like, you can read it in three parts, [url="http://untilthesugarmelts.blogspot.com/2007/03/my-life-as-catholic-part-i.html"]here[/url],[url="http://untilthesugarmelts.blogspot.com/2007/03/abscondita-in-deo-part-ii.html"] here[/url], and [url="http://untilthesugarmelts.blogspot.com/2007/03/abscondita-in-deo-part-iii.html"]here[/url]). To make a long story short, I was an extremely prideful young woman, who fell, and badly, before just... giving up. I walked away from the Church for a bit, before realizing that I just couldn't live like that; I missed Him far too much.

I'm not sure what I was thinking, really, if I was thinking at all. Anyway, I'm back, now, and immensely grateful to be back home. God is so merciful!

That complicates my discernment, however. Is all of this a sign that what I perceived as a call was just zeal? Delusion?

Or... have I managed to destroy my vocation through my bad behaviour?

The thought... stings, and I'm not really sure what to do next.

Advice, and more importantly, prayer would be most welcome.

[alicemary]

We all have times of doubt, no one is above that. We have times when religion is down right painful. Never foget that the Lord is a loving, caring Father at all times. He gave His life for us, for our sins. Put your trust in Him. "Come to me all who labor and are burdened". Seek our the Lord and His will shall be made known to you. Welcome back! Prayers for you!
Alicemary

[Maggyie]

I am so happy that you are back I definitely do not think that it is possible for one to destroy one's vocation, since it is a calling from God. Keep discerning! You will be in my prayers

[cathoholic_anonymous]

Benedicte Domine.

Firstly, it's never possible to destroy a religious vocation. Look at the annals of Catholic history. There are hundreds of great sinners who have gone on to become great saints. If you doubt your ability to serve God as a nun or a religious sister, what you are really doubting is the depth of His love and the healing power of His mercy.

But I don't think you are doubting those things. Judging by your writing, I think you are just dazed by how wonderful Our Lord has been to you. It must seem almost too good to be true. Your religious vocation won't have vanished. When Our Lord is calling you, He never stops.

You can even use your past wisely now that you have come home - remember to pray for people who are in your old situation morning and evening. There is a Carmelite monastery in England (Thicket) where the nuns devote half an hour of silent prayer on Friday and Saturday nights to young people who are out at parties and possibly getting themselves into terrible situations. You could take that for your apostolate, too.

I think the Magnificat would be fitting here:

My soul magnifies the Lord,
And my spirit rejoices in God my Saviour.
For He has looked on his handmaid in her lowliness,
And behold, henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.
For He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His name.
And His mercy is on those who fear Him from generation to generation.
He has shown strength with His arm:
He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.
He has put down the mighty from their thrones,
and exalted those of low degree.
He has filled the hungry with good things;
and the rich He has sent empty away.
He has helped His servant Israel, in remembrance of His mercy;
As He spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his descendents forever.

[AccountDeleted]

"I tell you then, the great love that she has shown proves that her many sins have been forgiven. But whoever has been forgiven little, shows only a little love." Luke 7:47

Just love Him, and all else will taken care of....

[Starets]

I cannot think of anything more to add, really. just welcome back

[Jennifer]

..........[b]Just trust in Him.[/b] :

[Sanvean]

Thank you all for the kind words, and welcome.

Yes, it certainly is true, regardless of where we may be called, to trust the Lord. In many ways, I tend to believe that such an attitude is precisely the nature of faith. If it is not, it is at the least often the best course of action available to us.

As well, of course, my wording was perhaps a bit imprecise when I commented on the potential of destroying a religious vocation. A more accurate wording is most likely that it is possible that my recent actions indicate a lack of a religious vocation to begin with. At the same time, I have still heard many of times that persistent and serious sin, past of present, can be an impediment to a vocation. For example, I know a gentleman who ended up needing to leave his religious community because a serious problem with scrupulosity created too high a level of incompatibility.

As well, Fr. Bannon at Vocation.com once wrote the following to a young man facing a [url="http://www.vocation.com/content-f7.htm"]similar question[/url]:

[quote]Serious sin in the past can affect a vocation. It can in some instances be an impediment, and it might indicate clearly that a person is not being called by God to religious or priestly life. I have no idea of the nature of the failings you are thinking of, and to find out if what is bothering you is an impediment you would have to speak personally (do so in confession if you want) with a priest you trust, and accept his advice.

You may find out that what you did, or its effects, is an impediment, and yet still yearn to be a priest. This is where your faith has to come in and you have to understand that even though you are generous enough and would like to serve God as a priest, he is not actually calling you.[/quote]

I am not entirely sure how this squares off with God's infinite Love and Mercy. Perhaps impediments caused by certain personal failings and past sins may, in fact, be more merciful to both ourselves as individuals, and for a potential community, in the long run. Whatever the reason, God's will is perfect, and the Church obviously never turns away a person who actually has a religious calling.

In the end, whatever state of life I am called to, will be that which is best for my salvation, and allows me to serve God most perfectly. The same is true for any of us. This would be easier, I suppose, if I had a spiritual director.

[cathoholic_anonymous]

I completely disagree with Fr Bannon. In fact, I disagree with an awful lot of the advice he gives on that website. In some of his replies to questions he has explicitly stated that a religious vocation is superior to marriage. I have seen a number of questions by confused young people in long-term relationships who say they have an interest in the religious life as well as love for their partners. Fr Bannon never fails to urge those young people to break up with their boyfriends/girlfriends and go full steam ahead to nearest seminary, convent, or monastery.

You can't give spiritual direction to a stranger whom you have never met and have only heard from once. All Fr Bannon knows of these people is what they put before him in one short e-mail. Nothing more. It's foolhardy to try and advise people on a decision that will affect the rest of their lives through this medium. I get the feeling that Fr Bannon is recruiting rather than advising, which is extremely dangerous and totally out of keeping with the Church's understanding of vocation.

[Margaret]

Don't give Up! It is the weight of the whole world that is on your shoulders and Jesus is trying to take that for you, you have to let Him.
Remember all that you suffer He suffered first and so He is allowing you to participate with Him in the salvation of others even if it seems small.
Just keep close to Christ in the Blessed sacrament and talk to His holy mother, she is a good one for advice and leading you to the right path.
And I agree that it does not mean at all that you don't have a vocation.
and my own opinion (strickly my own) is that it[i] might[/i] be a confermation of it. We so often forget that there is a battle raging that is for our souls, and especialy if our lifes as religious or practicing catholics are going to bring souls to Christ. Than Satins attack on us is going to be all the greater.
NEVER NEVER doubt Gods infinate MERCY and LOVE. Because we can never fathom how abundant it is and how we are given it even though NOT ONE of us deserve it.


God bless you
I will be praying for you

AMDG
marge

Edited April 17, 2007 by Rose_of_Sharon

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='Rose_of_Sharon' post='1247250' date='Apr 18 2007, 04:59 AM']We so often forget that there is a battle raging that is for our souls, and especialy if our lifes as religious or practicing catholics are going to bring souls to Christ. Than Satins attack on us is going to be all the greater.
NEVER NEVER doubt Gods infinate MERCY and LOVE. Because we can never fathom how abundant it is and how we are given it even though NOT ONE of us deserve it.[/quote]

I couldn't agree more with these two points! First, the enemy is real, not imgainary, and it is his job, along with all his little demons of doubt, to destroy religious vocations. Second, there is an infinite reservoir of love and support for those who are fighting the battle with the enemy, not because we deserve it, but because He is love. The religious life is not easy though, so even though sin itself will not destroy a vocation, the inability to respond to God's grace, could mean that another lifestyle would be better for the person. Suffering is almost guaranteed the closer we come to God - it is a gift that He bestows on those who want to share in His passion.

And I also agree with CA that religious life is not a "higher" vocation than marriage - just a different one. In either state, we can offer ourselves and our lives to God for His glory. I see many wonderful and holy women at Mass who are the spiritual foundation stones for their families.

[Sanvean]

I think we need to be careful to be precise in our definitions, particularly when contemplating the question of vocation.

It's certainly true that the people who run Vocations.com can be a little... exuberant, but I wouldn't really say that they explicitly [i]recruit[/i] people to religious vocations. Rather, they tend to be a bit aggressive in their encouragement of a potential vocation. As well, Fr. Bannon might at times consider being a bit more precise in his wording- but you would not that he [b]does[/b] generally advocate people who write him find a good spiritual director. Further, the question of how to counsel a person who is in a relationship, and senses a call to the religious life is never an easy one. Anyway, this may be an approach that is less than ideal, but we should be careful to treat our brothers and sisters in lay ecclesial movements with charity.

As for whether or not a vocation to the priesthood or religious life is a higher vocation than that of marriage... that is a complicated question. The answer, however, is a bit more complex than simply saying that the various states are equal, but different. It is important, however, to recall that higher is not equivalent to [i]better[/i]. I suppose you could best understand the difference in a Platonic hierarchy of forms, where various levels more closely resemble perfection. This higher degree of resemblance doesn't entail the sort of moral thrust that the term, "better" implies.

Still, the notion that a religious vocation is a "higher" vocation is really pretty traditional. Consider the following excerpt from [url="http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/apost_exhortations/documents/hf_jp-ii_exh_19811122_familiaris-consortio_en.html"][i]Familiaris Consortio[/i][/url] (emphasis mine):

[quote]Rightly indeed does St. John Chrysostom say: "Whoever denigrates marriage also diminishes the glory of virginity. Whoever praises it makes virginity more admirable and resplendent. What appears good only in comparison with evil would not be particularly good. It is something better than what is admitted to be good that is the most excellent good."(38)

In virginity or celibacy, the human being is awaiting, also in a bodily way, the eschatological marriage of Christ with the Church, giving himself or herself completely to the Church in the hope that Christ may give Himself to the Church in the full truth of eternal life. The celibate person thus anticipates in his or her flesh the new world of the future resurrection.(39)

By virtue of this witness, virginity or celibacy keeps alive in the Church a consciousness of the mystery of marriage and defends it from any reduction and impoverishment.

Virginity or celibacy, by liberating the human heart in a unique way,(40) "so as to make it burn with greater love for God and all humanity,"(41) bears witness that the Kingdom of God and His justice is that pearl of great price which is preferred to every other value no matter how great, and hence must be sought as the only definitive value. [b]It is for this reason that the Church, throughout her history, has always defended the superiority of this charism to that of marriage, by reason of the wholly singular link which it has with the Kingdom of God[/b].(42)[/quote]