Norseman82 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 [quote name='rachael' post='1372140' date='Aug 27 2007, 11:57 PM']Oh, it has. She's quite the confrontational girl (and I thought I was bad!). She left him with some words to ponder. [/quote] Well, there is some satisfaction for you to savor, if it helps to take your mind off things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 [quote name='Norseman82' post='1372136' date='Aug 27 2007, 10:56 PM']Just make sure that he doesn't get away with lies. Let [i]him[/i] get a reputation as a liar and "lose face", and let the attempt to falsely accuse the other girl about being pregnant come back to bite him in the butt; after all, he only brought it on himself.[/quote] Um, I think that's a bad idea. And totally contrary to the example we're called to set as Christians. For one, it's bearing false witness, which is a violation of a commandment. For two, we are called to be reconciled to one another. This should always be our goal in our thoughts and actions, even if at the present moment he's not ready for a healthy relationship/friendship whatever and is evidencing it by his behaviors. That's why I recommend that she do what she can to clean her side of the street. If he's unwilling to man up and act in a mature way toward her, she can't do anything about that. But she can control her own actions and treat him in a manner that encourages him to reach for a higher level of behavior. Engaging him in his own actions is an extraordinarily poor choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dUSt Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 [quote name='rachael' post='1372142' date='Aug 27 2007, 11:59 PM']They don't like me. They won't listen to me. They think he's an [/quote] Write an honest and comprehensive letter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 I agree with honesty across the board. Dishonesty and spreading malicious rumors about him will not help to re-establish any reputation or credibility you've lost, rachel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Norse I've been informed I may have misread your intentions here ... that you're advocating not lying about the dude but merely making sure people know he's a liar. If that's the case I apologize for misreading you. But, I still think it's a mistake to engage him on his turf. Fighting back using the same genre of methods that he did only creates a negative association, in my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 (edited) I've been nothing but honest. I'm an honest person. I broke up with him because he lied to me too much about things. But what would writing a letter to his parents do Dust? I've seen him lie to his parents before. It bothered me so friggin much. He's pretty much a compulsive liar. If I were to send a letter, or to make a phone call to his parents, he wouldn't have any problem lying to them about it all. I would be cast off as the villain once again. He's already told them that [i]I[/i] was the bad person in the relationship. How awful is that? His parents are just as bad as he is. They do and will believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Edited August 28, 2007 by rachael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman82 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 (edited) [quote name='Terra Firma' post='1372148' date='Aug 28 2007, 12:01 AM']Um, I think that's a bad idea. And totally contrary to the example we're called to set as Christians. For one, it's bearing false witness, which is a violation of a commandment. For two, we are called to be reconciled to one another. This should always be our goal in our thoughts and actions, even if at the present moment he's not ready for a healthy relationship/friendship whatever and is evidencing it by his behaviors. That's why I recommend that she do what she can to clean her side of the street. If he's unwilling to man up and act in a mature way toward her, she can't do anything about that. But she can control her own actions and treat him in a manner that encourages him to reach for a higher level of behavior. Engaging him in his own actions is an extraordinarily poor choice.[/quote] [edit] - I'm also thinking of the next person down the line, and I don't believe anyone is required to sacrifice their own protection and/or the protection of others in order to promote reconciliation. As a priest told me in confession when I was angry regarding my wallet being snatched, there is also the virtue of prudence in taking steps to protect one's self. Edited August 28, 2007 by Norseman82 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman82 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 [quote name='Terra Firma' post='1372153' date='Aug 28 2007, 12:08 AM']Norse I've been informed I may have misread your intentions here ... that you're advocating not lying about the dude but merely making sure people know he's a liar. If that's the case I apologize for misreading you. But, I still think it's a mistake to engage him on his turf. Fighting back using the same genre of methods that he did only creates a negative association, in my mind.[/quote] OK, but I'm also thinking about the next person down the line. I'll go back and edit my statement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 (edited) Edited August 28, 2007 by rachael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Who says she's not sticking up for herself? She did break up with him after all. I just don't think fighting him by telling people how awful he is is the best way to go. That is the kind of advice that backfires. Nothing good comes of descending to his level. And frankly, if I were the next girl, I'd think that rachel had some bone to pick with him still if she made a point of warning me off of him. She should, in my view, keep quiet about him and let him self-destruct all on his own. With regard to the reconciliation: Yes, contrition is required. But she needs to be prepared in her heart to offer forgiveness should he become truly contrite. Even if reconciliation is not possible now, it may be later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 (edited) Did I mention that he pretty much cheated on me with an ex of his while we were dating? Yes, that's the girl he's dating now. And that girl has been awful to me as well. I actually tried to forgive and befriend her back when he and I were still dating. Well, that was worthless. Edited August 28, 2007 by rachael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 [quote name='rachael' post='1372172' date='Aug 27 2007, 11:23 PM']Did I mention that he pretty much cheated on me with an ex of his while we were dating? Yes, that's the girl he's dating now. And that girl has been awful to me as well. I actually tried to forgive and befriend her. Well, that was worthless.[/quote] That smells of elderberries. You've tried to do the right thing, and I hope you keep seeking the grace to do that. People sometimes have misplaced loyalties ... nothing you can do about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 [quote name='Terra Firma' post='1372174' date='Aug 28 2007, 12:27 AM']That smells of elderberries. You've tried to do the right thing, and I hope you keep seeking the grace to do that. People sometimes have misplaced loyalties ... nothing you can do about that.[/quote] I know, but while I keep on trying to do the right thing, I keep on getting beat back down by a guy who just wants to harm me for some strange reason. Why does he wants to do that? I don't get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman82 Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 (edited) Rachel, in previous posts I've given my reasons for sticking up for yourself. Now, I am replying to all the stress you feel in your life as a part of it and would like you to think about the following. Please retain what you feel is worthwhile. If this is of any comfort, know that a liar always has to come up with lies to cover their other lies, and that at some point their entire life will be devoted to keeping straight all the lies they tell, and one day it can all come crashing down - and it probably will not require you to do anything. On that day the parents will know. You will be vindicated. In the meantime you've got a loyal circle of friends, they know the truth and have your back, others know the truth (and hopefully it will reduce the number of potential victims), you're covering your base and doing the right thing, and [i]you have some vindication already[/i]. Edited August 28, 2007 by Norseman82 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 [quote name='rachael' post='1372180' date='Aug 27 2007, 11:34 PM']I know, but while I keep on trying to do the right thing, I keep on getting beat back down by a guy who just wants to harm me for some strange reason. Why does he wants to do that? I don't get it.[/quote] yeah ... this smells of elderberries, but you will just have to come to a point that you accept that some people are just incapable of mature behavior at the point they are at, and hope and pray they eventually come to a point they can act maturely. It could take years. In the meantime you have to focus on your own stuff. Getting angry with him because he doesn't know how to be a grownup does nothing for you. You have to let it go, even if he is not repentant and keeps acting like an @$$ (edit if need be, but I think it's appropriate here). It is not easy, because there will be things that come up that remind you of what a jerk he has been, either things he does or things others do to you. And "letting it go" happens over and over again. Dealing with it is not a quick process when the other person is totally unwilling to be mature. But you still have to deal with it in a way that doesn't leave your soul damaged. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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