Marriage Question

[Dust's Sister]

According to the Catholic Church, once married, who is the "head of the household?"

Someone I know claims that once married, the husband is in control of the household. She thinks that is what the Church teaches. Is this true? Please give me some quotes from the Catechism.

[Galloglasses' Alt]

Oh noes.

This question again! D=

i fear this will cause yet more heated debate.

*popcorn get*

Edited October 13, 2008 by Galloglasses' Alt

[MissyP89]

Well, Scripture time and time again tells us that wives are supposed to be subordinate to their husbands. The Church's teaching wouldn't contradict Scripture.

Generally, I think it's fine, even necessary, for couples to share in responsibilities, decision making, and raising children. But I've also heard of many women who are happily in charge of the family finances, etc.

As long as both parties treat one another with respect and appreciation, I think each couple will be different as far as the dynamics go.

[CatherineM]

My husband is the head of our household. I let him make all decisions, as long as I don't disagree with him, and make all financial decisions as long as I pay the bills and keep the checkbook. Every now and then, I let him tell me no, on something that I'm not terribly invested in so that he can feel good in his role as man of the house, and that I "obey" him. It works really well for us.

[HisChildForever]

I would like to believe that we are no longer living in a patriarchal society.

[IrishSalesian]

St. Paul's Letter to the Collasians 3: 19-20
When St. Paul talks of the woman being subordinate to their husband, he is not talking of subordinate in the way that we see subordinate today he uses this in the context that a woman is to love her husband they way Christ loved the Church, and the same goes for the man. Men and women who are married are called to love each other unconditionally, and unselfishly. Everything that the man does, should be for the love of his wife and family. Everything that the woman does, should be for the love of her husband, and her family. Everything that one does should be out of love, not selfishness.

[princessgianna]

Ephesians 5:21-33

[i]Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives should be subject to their husbands as to the Lord,
since, as Christ is head of the Church and saves the whole body, so is a husband the head of his wife; and as the Church is subject to Christ, so should wives be to their husbands, in
everything.Husbands should love their wives, just as Christ loved the Church and sacrificed himself for herto make her holy by washing her in cleansing water with a form of words,
so that when he took the Church to himself she would be glorious, with no speck or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and faultless.
In the same way, husbands must love their wives as they love their own bodies; for a man to love his wife is for him to love himself. A man never hates his own body, but he feeds it and looks after it; and that is the way Christ treats the Church,
because we are parts of his Body.
This is why a man leaves his father and mother and becomes attached to his wife, and the two become one flesh.
This mystery has great significance, but I am applying it to Christ and the Church.
To sum up: you also, each one of you, must love his wife as he loves himself; and let every wife respect her husband.[/i]

Edited October 13, 2008 by princessgianna

[Saint Therese]

The man is supposed to be the head of the household.
That or the family cat.

[Maggyie]

This doesn't have much to do with patriarchal society - it's about the ordering of Christian families, not about equal pay for equal work or anything like that.

Scripture and the Church's teaching is crystal clear in that there is an obvious family hierarchy as implied by the word [i]subordinate [/i]in scripture. This is not carte blanche for the husband to walk all over his wife or engage in abusive behavior or even exercise his authority without consulting his wife. Great encyclicals to read on the subject are [url="http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/apost_letters/documents/hf_jp-ii_apl_15081988_mulieris-dignitatem_en.html"]Mulieris Dignitatem[/url] and the best of all, [url="http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/pius_xi/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xi_enc_31121930_casti-connubii_en.html"]Casti Connubii[/url].

I just finished a great book by C.S. Lewis, [url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/That_Hideous_Strength"]That Hideous Strength[/url], which is one of his fictional sci-fi works but which of course is laced with theological wisdom. He deals with this subject quite a bit:

[quote]"I will tell you if you really want to know," said the Director.

"Please," said Jane reluctantly.

"They would say,' he answered, "that you do not fail in obedience through lack of love, but have lost love because you never attempted obedience."

..."I thought love meant equality," she said, "and free companionship."

"Ah, equality!" said the Director. "We must talk of that some other time. Yes, we must all be guarded by equal rights from one another's greed, because we are fallen. Just as we must all wear clothes for the same reason. But the naked body should be there underneath the clothes, ripening for the day when we shall need them no longer. Equality is not the deepest thing, you know."

"I always thought that was just what it was. I thought it was in their souls that people were equal."

"You were mistaken," he said gravely. "That is the last place where they are equal. Equality before the law, equality of incomes - that is very well. Equality guards life; it doesn't make it. It is medicine, not food. You might as well try to warm yourself with a blue-book."

"But surely in marriage...?"

"Worse and worse," said the Director. "Courtship knows nothing of it, nor does fruition. What has free companionship to do with that? Those who are enjoying something, or suffering something together, are not companions. Those who enjoy or suffer one another, are not. Do you not know how bashful friendship is? Friends - comrades - do not look [i][b]AT [/b][/i]each other. Friendship would be ashamed..."

"I thought," said Jane and stopped.

"I see," said the Director. "It is not your fault. They never warned you. No one has ever told you that obedience - humility - is an erotic necessity. You are putting equality just where it ought not to be."[/quote]

"Erotic necessity." Spot on! I highly recommend the book, it's great stuff and besides being an excellent story it's very to the point. If you ever read a review by a secular feminist you will see it drives them crazy. It's too bad, because if you ask an old married couple they'll be able to tell you the don has it about right.

Edited October 14, 2008 by Maggie

[CatherineM]

The head of my household ate too much pumpkin pie today, and is presently sleeping it off. In his absence, I'm in charge of everything, including, the REMOTE!!

[MissyP89]

[quote name='CatherineM' post='1676554' date='Oct 13 2008, 08:24 PM']The head of my household ate too much pumpkin pie today, and is presently sleeping it off. In his absence, I'm in charge of everything, including, the REMOTE!![/quote]

ALLELUIA!!!!!!!!!!

[tinytherese]

www.catholic.com (Sorry, the computers that I'm on won't let me hyperlink.) Has an article on this subject called "Wives do what?" or something like that, saying wives are to submit to their husbands but that spouses are still partners. Secular feminists when reading the bible get angry when they read that Eve was to be Adam's "helpmate" but that's not referring to be his servant but his partner.

In all actuality, if you're afraid that your husband is going to abuse the "head of the household" teaching then why on earth did you marry him?

Edited October 14, 2008 by tinytherese

[tinytherese]

[quote name='CatherineM' post='1676554' date='Oct 13 2008, 08:24 PM']The head of my household ate too much pumpkin pie today, and is presently sleeping it off. In his absence, I'm in charge of everything, including, the REMOTE!![/quote]

[Majella]

The best reply I've heard: the man is the HEAD of the family;
The wife is the HEART of the family!

Try to live to that standard: hard , but not Impossible!!!!

[CrossCuT]

[size=1]"The man may be the head of the family, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head anyway she wants!"
- My Big Fat Greek Wedding
[/size]

[StColette]

A husband is the head of his household just as Christ is the head of the Church. Marriage is to be a reflection of the relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church. Now the husband being the head of the household does not mean he treats his wife like a slave nor does it mean that he makes all the decisions without asking her opinion and taking her opinion into account. A marriage that has the woman acting as slave and her opinion doesn't matter does not reflect the Bridegroom/Bride relationship between Christ and the Church. When a couple can not come to an agreement together on a matter and the husband feels that one way of handling the situation is best for all parties then he has the final decision. I would not wish to have such a burden as husbands do. Their vocation as husband, when handled correctly, is quite difficult. They have to be able to look at things objectively and when the one person they love the most disagrees with them on a matter they sometimes have to decide against them in favor of what is best.

[add]

the man may be the HEAD of the family; but only the wife can give birth! a fair trade off, i would think?

[HisChildForever]

[quote]They have to be able to look at things objectively and when the one person they love the most disagrees with them on a matter they sometimes have to decide against them in favor of what is best.[/quote]

But what if the man thinks his opinion is "better" than his wife's, and decides they should go with his opinion, when in reality they would've been better off going with the wife's opinion?

[Dust's Sister]

[quote name='StColette' post='1677228' date='Oct 14 2008, 10:55 AM']A husband is the head of his household just as Christ is the head of the Church. Marriage is to be a reflection of the relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church. Now the husband being the head of the household does not mean he treats his wife like a slave nor does it mean that he makes all the decisions without asking her opinion and taking her opinion into account. A marriage that has the woman acting as slave and her opinion doesn't matter does not reflect the Bridegroom/Bride relationship between Christ and the Church. When a couple can not come to an agreement together on a matter and the husband feels that one way of handling the situation is best for all parties then he has the final decision. I would not wish to have such a burden as husbands do. Their vocation as husband, when handled correctly, is quite difficult. They have to be able to look at things objectively and when the one person they love the most disagrees with them on a matter they sometimes have to decide against them in favor of what is best.[/quote]

good answer

[StColette]

[quote name='HisChildForever' post='1677358' date='Oct 14 2008, 04:29 PM']But what if the man thinks his opinion is "better" than his wife's, and decides they should go with his opinion, when in reality they would've been better off going with the wife's opinion?[/quote]

All I can say is that we are all human. Husband are responsible for making the final decision when a joint decision can not be reached mutually. They are to be both objective and loving in their decision and make a decision based on what is best for all involved not for themselves. If a husband objectively feels his opinion is what is best and bases his decision off of that and not because he doesn't want his wife to be right then he is doing a good job as a husband. Now if a husband goes with his opinion just because it's his opinion and he doesn't agree with his wife then he isn't being very loving and isn't being objective. Men have a lot of responsibility on their hands, not that women don't, but they are responsible with being objective and putting their feelings aside, which I think men do better than women especially when it is an emotionally charged issue. The whole matter comes down to intention. As long as the husbands intention is good about making a decision (clarification a good intention doesn't make something that is sinful or bad a good thing) then his heart is in the right place, which is the most important.

If, in the case you stated, a husband makes a decision because he feels his decision would be better when in reality his wife's option would have been better and his intention is not to overrule his wife just because he's the man then that's okay. We're human and we're going to be wrong sometimes. Micah has gone along with my opinion before when we disagreed on something and in the end it would have been better had we gone his route and vice versa. We've both been wrong on several things but we don't go "I told you so" when that happens. Marriage isn't about who has more power or the power to "veto" it's about being selfless and both husband and wife must be selfless. For example last night Micah really wanted to go to this one restaurant and I put up a fight about it because I wanted to go to a different one. He was very stubborn about it and so was I but it came down to the point that I realized this could be one of those moments where I could sacrifice what I want for what my husband wants. I'm glad I did. Turns out my coworkers had planned a baby shower for me at the restaurant Micah was trying to get me to go to.

Best advice to ask yourself when making a decision is "Am I being loving when I make this choice, is my choice based out of love for my spouse and family?"