Reactions That You're Discerning...

[LivingStone]

Hey Pham,

I was curious as to what reactions people have had to your discerning, that is, if you are or have discerned the priesthood or religious life. Personally, my family is very supportive (although they were very shocked the day I told them) of my discernment for the priesthood and joining a pretheologate program, but it has become a rarity among friends for any positive, let alone supportive feedback. Growing up in a publich HS, my share of friends were mostly God-hating intellectual athiests (oxymoronic I suppose to hate a God and not believe in Him as well) and flaming progressive Christians at best. It was routine for people to ask what one is studying, and I would hesitantly respond "philosophy". They'd ask why, I would tell them I'm discerning. Their reaction is usually one of the following:

1. The intimidated: "Hmm, well, I got to leave now, um, maybe I'll see you in a few years or something..."
2. The annoyed: "Really? Does that mean you're not allowed to have sex?"
3. The 'offended':"%$#@...I had higher expectations for you than that, but I guess God doesn't hold as high of expectations for you as I do ... becoming another pedophile.
4. Or simply the uninterested: "...wow, I guess that's interesting"

I understood that discerning the priesthood would require sacrifices, sometimes even good buddies from high school. I suppose I'm just curious as to your personal story of how others have reacted to the news that you are discerning, whether they be family or friends. Hope that your preparation for the Incarnation is both blessed and fruitful. Thanks guys.

Miles Christi Sum,

[frenchfry]

I've gotten a lot of different reactions. My mom was really surprised, but thankfully very supportive. She is mostly worried about my doing anything too quickly. My sister felt like I was abandoning her and that she wasn't good enough or something. Some of my friends said they weren't surprised at all - I was sort of 'the religious one.' Hardly any friends have been unsupportive, although you can tell some of them think it's pretty weird, or even stupid. The most common reaction I get from people I don't know well is, "I didn't know people did that anymore!"

I'll be interested to know what reactions other people have gotten!

[DominicanPhilosophy]

The mains reactions I've gotten, though I learned quite quickly it isn't something you "just tell" people, even those who appear to be your friends [especially in school, word spreads like wildfire. To me what seemed natural appears to be an interesting topic for others ]..

1. "you're crazy!" - mainly friends
2. worried, disappointed, implied "let's avoid the subject" - most of my family that knows
3. "how cute!" - because there are those enthusiasts that think the sisters are cute, ignoring the necessary prayer and true seriousness that comes along with trying to discern His call and the reality of what consecrated religious have said "yes" to
4. "we're in this together" - the suffocation where some people don't realize how personal the vocational journey is and how difficult [and, well, wrong] it is to discern "in groups"

Then, there are those who genuinely are interested, wish me the best, pray for me, and have to make some "Sr. Mary Christmas" jokes on the side.

God bless, and four days until He arrives - let us joyfully welcome Him into our hearts and lives! +JMJD

[MithLuin]

I think that, as a professed religious (particularly if you wear the habit/ Roman collar), you will draw natural attention to your life choice. Random strangers will want to walk up to you on the street and tell you their opinions on God or religion or the Church. This can be a wonderful opportunity to share....or really annoying, depending.

Dealing with how people react to the announcement that you are discerning ([i]not[/i] always as you would wish them to!) may be good preparation for that. I'm not saying its fun to have people immediately make all sorts of assumptions about you, your attitutudes, your sex life, etc. - no fun at all. But...this isn't going to go away later.

Some people are going to see you as a challenge to their own choices, and treat you differently on account of this. Best of luck in learning how to deal with it!

[TotusTuusMaria]

I receive the disappointment and uninterested reactions a lot from family and close friends. I’ve had probably two positive experiences.

Most surprising of all I have had a number of people (all Protestant) try to find me a husband (non-Catholic husbands, at that). Very awkward. They have taken this very seriously. My father even supports many of the guys (honestly, all of them) they present.

One friend gave me a book which was suppose to help convince me that this wasn't what I was called too.

I don't think the rest of my family (besides my parents) really believe that I am serious. They make jokes sometimes about it, but they are not taking me seriously. This is apparently just a phase I am going through.

[DominicanPhilosophy]

[quote name='TotusTuusMaria' post='1733574' date='Dec 21 2008, 11:12 PM']I don't think the rest of my family (besides my parents) really believe that I am serious. They make jokes sometimes about it, but they are not taking me seriously. This is apparently just a phase I am going through.[/quote]

Yes.

[CatherineM]

My mom laughed at first. Then she got mad, really mad. Then she refused to speak to me for 3 months.

[InHisLove726]

My mom has been up and down before, sometimes very supportive (she even helped fund my trip to see some Sisters this past August), other times, she casually tried to talk me into getting married and having kids (she wants to be a grandmother, and her reaction is, "You wanted to have kids before!). One day, I just said that I am not considering marriage anymore and that I would like to hear her stop talking to me about marriage and having a family. I came to the realization that marriage really isn't an option for me because I have an ovarian problem that would most likely require medication to get pregnant, that is against Catholic belief (IVF or artificial insemination). She said she was sorry and that sometimes she wasn't even thinking about my choice. She, since then, has been one of the most supportive. She has been interested in my discernment, and I've asked her if she has questions, and she does approach me sometimes. She even encouraged me to go to Daily Mass! I go to Confession every 2 weeks (sooner if needed), and Adoration in the Chapel to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet and Rosary with the community. I walk the Stations of the Cross and I tell her all this because I want to be open, and she sees me making an active interest in Church and prayer. She even said, seriously, when she couldn't go to Mass on Thanksgiving with me, for me to pray for her!

My dad has been supportive too. At first, I thought he was being apathetic, because he showed very little interest, giving the, "really? well, I guess if it makes you happy...", thing. But he's even started asking me questions and showing his support! (GOD BE PRAISED!)

My sister, who is no longer a practicing Catholic, but still an active Christian, has prayed for me and we are very close. I always pray that she comes back to the Church, and I hope my example shows her that the Catholic Church is NOT boring (we both thought this for a while). When I had some unsettling news from a community that they would not accept me because of my history of depression, she was there for me, and said that she honestly didn't understand that because I am so much better now. After seeing what happened in my depression and how the doctors and nurses tried to help, but I didn't get better until getting healed by Jesus in the Eucharist at a retreat, she is even planning a depression and suicide Christian support group!!! My example, thankfully, has become a great one! PRAISED BE JESUS CHRIST!

I've told a selected few family members outside of my immediate family. I told my grandmother and aunt on my dad's side and they are Baptists, but supportive. I know they only want me to be happy, and since the beginning of my discernment, I've been so happy, so they want me to continue on. One day, I let it slip to my aunt who attends Church with my family, and thinking she would try to talk me out of it, I was surprised when she didn't say much of anything.

My godparents/aunt & uncle have been the most supportive of all. My aunt even helped, with my mom, to fund my trip to St. Louis to see the Sisters there. Both understand that this is a very serious decision, and they are behind me 110%!! My uncle was even disappointed when I stopped discerning for a while, and told me that he thought I should start again because he believed I was called. This ultimately led me to continue.

I can't imagine a greater gift that God has given me! He has even given me a supportive family.

[tnavarro61]

geesh i don't know how to tell my family that i have this call..!

i attended once a vocation promotion by the OCD friars. (i am with my twin bro). We told our parents that we are just invited to come.

[InHisLove726]

[quote name='tnavarro61' post='1733695' date='Dec 22 2008, 03:05 AM']geesh i don't know how to tell my family that i have this call..!

i attended once a vocation promotion by the OCD friars. (i am with my twin bro). We told our parents that we are just invited to come.[/quote]

It is difficult! I didn't know how my parents would react, but it's been what I hoped for. Just pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit--maybe ask the advice of a priest--and go for it. Parents always want the best for their children. I've realized that if they love you, they'll see how happy you are. All the best! God bless you!

[tnavarro61]

[quote name='InHisLove726' post='1733718' date='Dec 22 2008, 10:10 PM']It is difficult! I didn't know how my parents would react, but it's been what I hoped for. Just pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit--maybe ask the advice of a priest--and go for it. Parents always want the best for their children. I've realized that if they love you, they'll see how happy you are. All the best! God bless you![/quote]


i know that they will be very happy, especially my mom who supports and believes in me. My spiritual director told me to enter after college, while I feel interested in entering a college seminary.

I wnt to be a monk someday.

[Mari Therese]

My father is very supportive. I think that he is secretly excited (he used to say that he would drop us off at the convent when we turned 16). He's told me that he had a discussion with God and told Him that He can have me if it is His will.

My mother totally flipped when I brought home an application. She has had a very difficult couple of years with my discernment. I've changed alot. She is trying very hard to be accepting and I really appreciate her effort. She is much calmer now, but once in awhile she says that she thinks that it won't work out (which annoys me and sends doubts flying to my mind sometimes).

My sister said that she saw it coming along time ago. She's cool with it. She's got a really great BF, so I told her that she'll have to have 17 kids to make up for the loss.

I know that the next few years are going to be rather diffucult but my family loves me (and I love them too), and they'll always back me up no matter what. We practice alot of live and let live in our house. I won't have a crazy mother trying to kid nap me from the convent, or slipping me bus tickets home.

[toservelove]

I'd been "secretly" discerning for about a year and a half. Looking at communities on the internet, mostly, and just thinking about it. It was a week before my birthday and I started getting all these e-mails at work from Match.com. I couldn't figure it out. Finally, I asked my mom if she knew anything. Yes, she was thinking of getting me a 6 month subscription for my birthday! Well, that forced the issue and I told her maybe that wouldn't be so good, since I had begun discerning a call to religious life.

My dad was ecstatic, my mom was a bit more sceptical--but in a good way, simply questioning me and helping me to clarify. Most of my family was "if it makes you happy..." but they have been very supportive. My best friend has been extremely supportive and excited for me. My other friends have also been very happy for me, because they see me so happy and at peace. They ask lots of fun and interesting questions.

What I found awkward was telling people I hadn't seen in years, but would run in to at the grocery store, etc.

[VoTeckam]

I once told a professor that I really respected that I was discerning and he told me I would be a terrible nun (Within earshot of other students). I was a little hurt and very schocked so I spent the whole class wondering why he would say such a thing... and if he was right. I stayed after the lecture to ask what he meant by his statement (fearing that he thought I lacked the faith- or even worse- some magical nun quality) to which he relied, "You are too smart to be a nun."

That was the moment that I realized that discerning your vocation is something even the people who know you the best can not assist you in. Vocations are a deeply personal matter. Something for you to sort out with your creator. So even when people you love do not respond the way you wish, remember it is not their support that you need.

[Maria Faustina]

Well, let's start out with the first people I ever told: January 2007

During recess one day at school in January 2007 I believe, I told my two best friends, Krystal and Ashlen, that I seriously was discerning becoming a sister. They both laughed histerically, thinking this was sarcasm being the result of "Vocations Week" in religion class. I explained to them my whole vocational story from when I was in 4th grade to the present, and by the end of the discussion, they discovered it wasn't a phase, an obsession, or a joke, but a deep desire of my heart. My friend Ashlen finally spoke, saying, "Well, out of all of the people in the class, you'd probably be the most likely to become a nun!". They gave my decision all the respect in the world, and even encouraged me to speak with the religious sister who taught our 7th grade class religion.

Which brings me to the second reaction: April 2007

When I told the religious sister, I had never seen anyone so happy before. Sister pratically jumped up and gave me a huge bear hug. I don't think I will ever have a hug quite like that again! She started to look after me as her own, and even protected me in her own special way.

Third reaction: April 2008

Due to a very large gossip conflict, I was advised by the same religious sister to tell my parents. My best friend, Krystal, had told most of the girls in my class about my secret. Sister did not want my parents to find out from anyone else but me, because that same exact scenario had happened to the sister. So, I decided to tell my parents at an Italian restaurant, so they couldn't yell at me in public.
Well, when the words my finally escaped my mouth, my dad was frozen while drinking his iced tea, and my mother's pizza was left suspended in the air between her mouth and the plate. When they regained their composure, they were happy and much to my surprise, even supportive. Ever since that time, I have begun to discuss my high school and college education with them, in order to prepare myself for the convent.

But, when I have told my peers about my discernment, they are completely mezmerized, because becoming a nun isn't really an accepted choice in society today. But, I have found that my story of discernment have inspired many, which is another positive thing about religious life.

[Saint Therese]

What has been really wierd for me is reactins among my co-workers. I've had reactions from both ends of the spectrum. When I returned from my aspirancy I had one coworker act like he hated me for no reason and say things to me that were basically harrassment. I've had another co-worker basically stop talking to me because he's afraid of offending me. Most people just have no boundaries and ask very prying questions, and I've become very aware that everyone wathes everything that I do in a critical way. I'm most concsiouc of what I eat in public, because people stare.
As far as my family goes it was mixed-from supportive to no reaction at all to thinking that my vocation is a funny joke.
I think mostly people can't reconcile me with the idea of being a nun: I'm not young enough, pretty enough, thin enough, or from the right social class.

Edited December 23, 2008 by Saint Therese

[the lords sheep]

I've been telling my friends one by one, and thanks be to God they've been really supportive. My parents and family are next, and I must admit, I'm quite terrified. I hope to tell them while I'm home here on Christmas break.
The only thing with me is that I'm telling them I plan on entering next fall, and that I've already begun the process to do so. Unfortunately, I knew that I wouldn't get any support from them (my cousin is also a religious Sister, and she didn't get a lot of support either)....
Praise God, I am really happy with my decision, and I hope that someday they will be too!

[VeniteAdoremus]

I've got Catholic friends and Other Friends. My Catholic friends were mostly excited, but with a hint of "we'll see", I think (I am a human cyclone and not really nun-material, so I get what they mean).

I didn't tell my secular friends until I was pretty sure, and only on a need-to-know basis. Word did get around fairly quickly, though. They're mostly curious, and sometimes excited.

My nuclear family wants to see me happy, but my brother and mum aren't Catholic and don't like the idea at all. My dad is enthusiastic, and my sister should finish her degree and enter somewhere contemplatiffy and pray for my apostolic work all day or I'll never amount to anything.

Acquaintances can be [i]very strange[/i]. And rude. (If a "friend" is rude about it they immediately drop to "acquaintance", by the way.) But they can also be curious and/or excited. They very often ask for how long I'll be going. And whether I don't want to be a priest, really (that came up in another topic ).

The nicest ever was my mother's eldest surviving brother. He quietly said he would be proud to have a religious in his family again.

I'm very glad I didn't tell everyone that I was discerning until it was all pretty much finalised. It's such a tender process - sometimes what God wants you to see is like dawn on a spider-web. Beautiful in the sunlight, but if someone even walks past it too rudely you'll have to wait a day to see it again.

[A Yearning Heart]

I've pretty much had an assortment of reactions.

From my parents: one was half ok with it, and the other was, well, there was yelling and disbelief and alot of shock. In the months that followed, it has settled down a bit, but there are those little comments every now and then that dig and are a hurtful, that I'm sure are not intentionally meant to be so. From my brother there was stunned disbelief at first, but then interested discussion. All in all though, I don't think anyone in my family thinks it will happen and that they deep down believe that it is just a phase.

I've specifically told catholic friends who I think will understand the concept of discerning-i.e those discerning as well, or those who are practising catholics and who don't think the concept is weird.

My best friend has been totally supportive in whatever happens, and others have been "oh" about it all and tend to move away, some are happy to talk about it, and others, who I would've thought would have been supportive, have been the most tentative of all saying things like "don't be dissappointed if it doesn't work out". I totally understand the tentative response-they know that nothing is certain or figured out yet and it is entirely possible that I could end up with a husband and kids. Who knows! Wait and see! But I'd be selling myself short if I ignored the possibilities of married or religious life.

I know some of my friends would truely belief that I'm nuts for even considering discerning, so I've been careful not to tell them.

The oddest thing is that there are people who I've only just met once or twice, usually seminarians or priests, who I'm totally comfortable telling them if they ask something that will lead into it. I got cornered by one guy a few weeks ago (who I didn't know was about to join the seminary) and in about 5 min he'd managed to get to my discernment and loads of details of where etc-(discernment is kind of on his rader I guess), but boy was it creepy-he asked such direct questions that there was no possible way of not talking about it. He'll be a great priest one day.

Discernment is a delicate process and the reactions to discernment can sometimes create turmoil, but which I think can also be helpful in the long run of figuring out what desire God's placed in my heart. I've tried not to tell many people and only those who I need to be fair with and need to know (i.e my family), and those who I know would understand it. It has helped knowing that there are others out there discerning (go phatmass!) and it has helped being able to talk about it and all the struggles and thoughts along the way.

I think it is important to not go it alone, but try to be prudent in just who knows. The most helpful person I've spoken with has been a sister-no pushing either way, most often just listens to whatever is on my mind and who then gives the best advice I've ever gotten.

sorry I tend to ramble on a bit...

[Fr. Antony Maria OSB]

I've had a range of reactions from different people, from antagonistic (You want to be a priest? You must be gay) to supportive, to indifferent. I however made the decision to not hide it at all, but let everyone know, and I think that was a big mistake, because now that I'm no longer actively discerning (still letting God lead, though) and have a girlfriend I'm kind of worried about what the reactions of people when they find out that I have a girlfriend: kind of the opposite of what this thread is for, I know, but I think perhaps similar.