Relationship With My Dad

[Lil Red]

+J.M.J.+
continued prayers.

[tinytherese]

I talked with mom on friday and before she left to go back home she told me some of the stuff that I should know about how she'll handle this situation. She's not going to divorce him, but will separate from him and will take my little brother. Dad will still see the little guy but he'll be under the watchful eye of other family members. It needs to get sorted out where mom and my brother will live- either at our house or somewhere else and she says that she will honor the wishes that I expressed at the hospital which were to not see dad. She understands that I don't want to see him and dad will be given strict orders not to contact me unless I want him to (cough *fat chance* cough.)

It looks like there won't need to be a case of physical abuse for my brother. Mom has talked with officials at home regarding that already. She warned me that dad will at first will probably not understand what is going on, he'll be confused, and upset. He honestly wouldn't see any of this coming. Mom is going to try to get him to go into therapy for his issues, thinking that he might do it if it will get me back to him. She's also talked with our parish priest who is a friendly and understanding man who has had experience dealing with tough issues in his parishioner's lives. She hopes that dad will talk with him and even help lead him to conversion by and by. Mom hopes that dad uses this opportunity to be grow, change, re-evaluate his relationships with his children and wife, and even convert. She knows that she can't guarantee that it will happen, but she has hope that it will. She says that it may take a few years for this to get sorted out and that if she decides to divorce him that that'll be between her and him and isn't anything that I need to be involved with.

She says that she supports my decision not to see him considering what I've been through, but warns me that there are consequences to that choice. Holidays will be different and coming home for breaks will be different, but that I will be safe with her wherever she is and won't let him come when I am there. She also says that I have the backup plan of staying with my maternal grandparents during those times and hopes that I won't have to do that. Dad's side of the family will be confused and even though they love me, they also love my dad dearly. She doesn't think that I'll lose any of them, but that it will be hard for them. They're decent people that will struggle to make sense of this.

She understands that I don't want to see him, but that I shouldn't resolve NEVER to want to see him again. She is still so hopeful about him being redeemed. She says that it should just be I don't want to see him NOW. She does understand though that it might really end up that I won't want to see him again ever, but she doesn't want me to close the door on him just yet. I really don't like that. I know that our faith teaches us to have integrity, hope, pray, forgive, and learn to trust again and that we need to believe that everyone is capable of redemption but I feel as if in this case dad has had so many years of chances with me, for as long as I can remember. I've told him my feelings in the past and he's disregarded them, laughing what I feel off on so many occasions. He has just been so incredibly stubborn and arrogant about everything, sees himself as infallible that his heart has turned so very hard as rock that he won't be so open to changing, that I'll be seen by him as the problem still.

There have been a few rare moments where it seemed as if he cared, like the time when he wrote me that note that said how much I've taught him and how amazed he's been at me forgiving him that have really shocked me, lead me to hope that maybe just maybe underneath it all he really did care. Yet that could just be him trying to keep me, when in reality he doesn't love me. I've been warned that once an abuser/harasser always an abuser/harasser. I mean how many women get tricked into taking back their abusive boyfriends or husbands because they have appeared to change only to find out that they haven't? Any supposed progress with him could just be him trying to win me back or butter me up so that I would go back to him only to find that he hasn't changed, that he may even have gotten worse. Or he may even just flat out not go into counseling or try to evaluate his life or change at all. Mom and I might just get basically spat in the face by him and be rejected by him. Then I'll really lose him. I'm just not confident that he would have a real epiphany years down the road. How could I possibly learn to trust the man who has done all of these horrible things to me again? What kind of a father violates his daughter sexually and then leads her to honestly think for even one second that he could rape her? I've been going through this hell on earth for months! I'm so tired of this! I thought that mom was going to get a divorce and that dad would even get put behind bars for a while and then after he'd get out I'd get a restraining order. But instead I'm going through this. I'll have to have another heart to heart with mom and my parish priest back home.

[Archaeology cat]

As I said, it's a long hard road. It took many years before my foster brothers' parents were actually taken to court and had their parental rights stripped of them. I'm sure this is also very difficult on your mother because, despite everything, she loves him and doesn't want to give up on him. I pray that he does change, and I pray that things go smoothly, and I pray for you.

[InHisLove726]

I will remember you in my prayers. This has been a difficult situation, and I have never been in your shoes, so I have no words to offer you except my humble prayers. I will ask St. Rita of Cascia to intercede for you since she spent much of her life trying to convert her husband and two sons. St. Monica and St. Augustine are there for you as well. Don't forget that Christ is ALWAYS with you, even when everything appears dark.

[morostheos]

I'm so glad things are progressing and people are helping you get out of this horrible situation. Be assured of my continued prayers.

[tinytherese]

Today at my therapy session I told my therapist about my reluctancy to trust dad and she told me to just take it one day at a time and understands why I am fearful that dad will only pretend to change. During that session it hit me that I don't have to have dad's love in order to be complete. I've done really well with basically one parent and that if I never get his love as I have wanted to all of my life that I still can have a sense of my own value and worth, though it would be better if he does love and affirm me as he should. As long as I have the love of my Heavenly Father at least (which is actually a lot even in and of itself) I'll be alright. I feel a sense of relief in that. I don't have to be haunted by a father's love that I may never get.

I'll pray for dad to change. I still want him to go to heaven. I've been asking St. Paul's intercession for his conversion. What other saint made as huge of a turn around as him? (St. Augustine seems to come close though.) I got to thinking that when Paul went to visit some of the apostles they at first didn't trust him, considering that he was a big time persecutor and had dragged some other Christians to their deaths-even participating in putting to death their dear friend St. Stephen. Eventually though they came around and trusted him with the help of St. Barnabus.

I don't know what the future holds with him or the rest of my family, but I'll go through it all with a guarded and prudent heart.

[InHisLove726]

St. Francis of Assisi would be a good saint to intercede for your father's conversion. St. Augustine and Monica are two of my favorite saints, and they helped me a lot with temptations on their feast day this August.

I'll say prayers for you, tinytherese. Just lay all your troubles at the feet of the Divine Savior and His mother. Let them wrap you in their arms.

[CatherineM]

It is a hard thing to realize that a parent doesn't love you. I had to come to some kind of understanding years ago that my mother wasn't capable of loving me in the manner I wanted. Just take it a day at a time, allow yourself to grieve for the loss of an ideal, and take as much therapy as they will give you.

[tinytherese]

I don't know how long I'll be in therapy for. All I know is that it will be for some time. I don't want to turn out to be abusive like him like what researchers say about those who have been abused or get married and have trusting issues with my husband, fearing what he'd do to our kids, particularly with our daughter when she gets closer to the age that I was when this got started.

[Lil Red]

[quote name='tinytherese' date='29 September 2009 - 03:24 PM' timestamp='1254259471' post='1974463']
I don't know how long I'll be in therapy for. All I know is that it will be for some time. I don't want to turn out to be abusive like him like what researchers say about those who have been abused or get married and have trusting issues with my husband, fearing what he'd do to our kids, particularly with our daughter when she gets closer to the age that I was when this got started.
[/quote]
+J.M.J.+
one day at a time. one day at a time.

[missionseeker]

[quote name='tinytherese' date='29 September 2009 - 04:24 PM' timestamp='1254259471' post='1974463']
I don't know how long I'll be in therapy for. All I know is that it will be for some time. I don't want to turn out to be abusive like him like what researchers say about those who have been abused or get married and have trusting issues with my husband, fearing what he'd do to our kids, particularly with our daughter when she gets closer to the age that I was when this got started.
[/quote]


[quote name='Lil Red' date='29 September 2009 - 04:31 PM' timestamp='1254259919' post='1974472']
+J.M.J.+
one day at a time. one day at a time.
[/quote]


I agree with Red. Don't worry about the other stuff that can happen right now. Just take it one day at a time. Eventually you'll find you don't flinch at a hug, that you don't automatically distrust all men (and women), that you can open yourself up to be loved by another (all aspects of love, even the physical). It's tough. Some days are better than others. Cherish the good days and pray through the bad. Eventually, you will start to notice that not everything reminds you of this. (I think you know what I mean, I think I guess I mean that you won't see the world through the lenses of this abuse). The sun will shine again. I promise.

About the husband thing, I will say that Jeff has helped me a lot. Not even necessarily directly. We rarely discuss it anymore, and I don't know if I've ever discussed particulars with him (I think I may have a couple times). He's very ... 'careful' with me and sensitive towards that, but it's not something that dictates my behaviour towards him. As our relationship progresses, some things come up that I have to deal with, but mostly I am finding that they kind of don't.

So yeah, one day at a time. And take time to love yourself. That was a tricky one for me. But make sure you do. ***hugs*** and prayers.

[tinytherese]

Thank you missionseeker.

[tinytherese]

Well I went home for fall break and dad had just moved out of the house. He's temporarily at the home of his parents until my parents have sorted out where everyone is going to be living. That should be worked out by Thanksgiving. Financial issues need to be discussed between my parents as well. It was weird going into my house without my dad being there. My little brother doesn't know what's happening. He does know that dad is busy being a referee apart from his job so he would be gone a lot from that anyway. I don't think that he even knows that parents can separate or even divorce yet. He's still little. My family will do what they can for him.

I was told by mom that dad is still in the denial stage. He wants to contact me so that he can convince me that he didn't mean anything by what he did. He actually thought that after fall break I would want to be reconciled with him and that he could come home to live, that this was just a phase. Mom said that she knew that that wasn't going to happen and she would talk to him after I would leave to go back. She knew that he would be really angry that what he wanted wouldn't happen. He sent me an email earlier saying how he is proud of me and that he can't wait for me to teach him about theology. He also told me for the very first time in it that he loved me. Those words hurt me like no other. Whether he means them or not he sure doesn't act like it. Mom found out about this and told him that he can't send me another email or contact me in any other way. I'm nowhere near ready to be in contact with him and even if I were him being in denial and trying to convince me that what happened wasn't real and me going through the healing process would just be a horrible combonation.

Thankfully, he is still going to mass, but mom said that he informed her that he was nervous that everyone at our parish knew about the situation and would accuse him of being the bad guy, even though he saw himself as blameless. Somehow, mom just couldn't convince him that very few people even knew what was happening in our home and those that did were trustworthy people that promised to keep everything in confidence. I'm sure that our parish priest will try to pull him aside to talk to him in private at some point. We are very fortunate to have a priest that knows what he's doing. He has had a lot of experience in handling tough situations that his parishioners are going through.

The painful moment during break was when I talked with mom and it was basically decided that in the spring I can't go to my little brother's first communion because dad wants to be there--even though I doubt that he even believes in the true presence. I really hate this. It is such an important day in his life and I won't be there.

Mom told me about how dad was a different man when she first met him. She didn't notice signs of him being abusive until six months before the wedding. She was just so focused on getting the wedding all planned out and in the beginning she made resolves of what she would not tolerate from him. Over time though she went back on her resolves just to get through the days. Dad also apparentally had doubts about getting married to her before the wedding, but my parents thought that everybody feels that way so they just went along with it. Mom also admits that when they were dating, dad didn't like her friends so to please him she isolated herself from them to a certain extent and she never asked the real opinion of her friends of my dad. When she actually did spend time with them (but not around dad) they really just told her what she wanted to hear and weren't honest with her about him. My mom didn't seem open to what they would have had to say anyway though. Knowing these pieces of information, I feel that I can use it during courtship and engagement. With what my mom and I have gone through I know to be more aware and weary.

I finally met with my spiritual director and he is working with me on my home life. I also called an old friend last weekend who I knew at the school I was at before transfering about what was going on. That was helpful. last week the prozak actually started working like it's supposed to so I am better with handling the depression.

[Starets]

I will pray for you and the others in this situation. It is sad that it has come to this but it may be the only healthy way though.



affectionately,
Br. Bruno

Edited October 28, 2009 by Staretz

[Lil Red]

[quote name='tinytherese' date='28 October 2009 - 01:16 AM' timestamp='1256714217' post='1992608']
I finally met with my spiritual director and he is working with me on my home life. I also called an old friend last weekend who I knew at the school I was at before transfering about what was going on. That was helpful. last week the prozak actually started working like it's supposed to so I am better with handling the depression.
[/quote]
+J.M.J.+
May God bless you...we are all praying for you!