Relationship With My Dad

[tinytherese]

[quote name='TotusTuusMaria' post='1881750' date='Jun 3 2009, 02:02 AM']Does your father do this to you in every situation or does he just do it when you are sitting next to one another? You probably do this or something very like it, but not sitting next to him and if not possible then getting up right a way and walking out of the room without a word when it happens sends a strong message... not even giving him the pleasure to see you get upset at his laughing. As everyone said, get out of the situation. I am so sorry you are experiencing this! **hugs**

It is terrible. My father has never done anything like that to me, but he is the kind of man who likes to aggravate, agitate, mock, and is just difficult to talk to. He is much worse with my brothers, and it seems to them they can't do much to please him. I get upset with him and so can understand a very little how you are feeling. How difficult! My heart goes out to you.

You are so precious and, I don't know how much it will mean, but I think you'd be great in religious education! [/quote]

Yea I'd like to avoid sitting next to him but that's hard to do at dinner since it's rare that everybody that lives in my house all eat together so it is usually just my dad and I. Mom tends to eat something else from what we're eating by herself in another room and sometimes my little brother eats something at my grandma's house (since both my parents work and she's our babysitter.) Even if we all did eat together my seven year old brother insists on sitting between my parents and my mom has to get him to eat meanwhile I'm on the other side of my dad.

Though it doesn't happen at dinner just at other moments like when I'm downstairs in the computer room, in the kitchen, or in the family room. We played a board game on friday night and we sat next to each other and that's where it happened again.

I've been wearing a sweatshirt, long sleeves, or a jean jacket around him because he has been known to stroke my arms when I wear short sleeves and I haven't been wearing shorts around him as that would expose my legs to stroke. Sick isn't it?

And thank you for the compliment about me being a great catechist.

[MithLuin]

YEah, it is fairly messed up that you have to be careful of what you wear around your own dad. But I also will say, hey, if that's what it takes to make him back off, wear the long sleeves.

You probably already know this, but situations like this tend to...escalate. Meaning, while he may just be stroking your arm or tickling you now, that doesn't mean that that is all that he will ever attempt to do. I mean, hopefully, nothing worse will happen. Maybe what he's doing is (mostly) innocent, just to get a rise out of you. But you can't count on that.

Plan escape routes, and walk out of the room [i]immediately[/i] if he starts something. If you sit there and think 'maybe if I ignore him he'll stop' you're putting yourself in a very dicey situation. Don't offer any explanation. Just go to the bathroom or your bedroom (somewhere private), and let him stew on the rejection.

Also, I know this is probably dumb of me to point out, but when someone does something to you against your will, you are not the guilty party. Nothing he can do would violate your purity without your consent. Many of the virgin martyrs recognized by the Church were raped before they were put to death - but we still refer to them as virgin martyrs. I know you [i]know[/i] this, but I doubt it feels that way.

[HisChildForever]

This thread is so disturbing. You really should report your father for sexual harassment.

[MissScripture]

[quote name='tinytherese' post='1883361' date='Jun 4 2009, 06:16 PM']I do know of a cousin in law or two of mine (term I made up ) and at least one uncle who I could talk to but they're not close by, one of them being in another state. It seems like it wouldn't work in the long run since they'd come all this way, give him a firm talking to, and then go off back to their homes where they are not around for protecting me, making sure that he doesn't do it again. That and my dad doesn't seem to listen to anybody else's advice except his own and being told that he is wrong about [i]anything[/i] really ticks him off.

Thank you. I appreciate the prayers, sympathy, and advice from everyone especially the [i]men[/i] on here. It's not that I have always had issues with men throughout my life, I'm just not used to decent ones sticking up and taking action. I never let my dad lead me to hate men. It was him that I had problems with.

[b]I got to really thinking yesterday what if this really did go to court? The court proceedure would be really hard on me and I don't know how the rest of my family would react to this. I'd be worried that the rest of my family would be telling me that I am making too big of a deal out of this situation. [/b]

I'd also be worried that the judge or my dad's lawyer might try to say that it really wasn't sexual harassment. I know that in a lot of rape and assault cases that they ask women questions like "Well what were you wearing?" or "What were you doing out late that night?" How sick! He was the one who committed the crime and not her! This is why so many victims don't tell anybody because they are afraid that [i]they[/i] will be the ones blame for it. It's my own home. Why wouldn't I be able to be say downstairs in the basement on the computer in the evening instead of in bed? And I haven't been wearing anything "provocative" when he's done this to me. T-shirts and jean capris or jean shorts that go at least down to my knees, or a nice spring-like skirt that is not short enough to reveal a lot should not be considered immodest, but some people might try to make them seem that way anyway. Even if I had been wearing something immodest that shouldn't affect if my own father would sexually harass me or ... Yet so often the woman is blamed and loses her case. It hasn't gotten that far yet and I actually don't think that it will but if it did then I'd definitely be dreading going to court about this.[/quote]
Again, remember, what you feel is what you feel, and no one should tell you how to feel. If anything happens with this, people will try. And if you're anything like me, you'll want to give in, just to make it all go away. But whatever you do, as hard as it may be, DO NOT let anyone ever tell you how to feel or that you are wrong in how you feel. You have made clear to your father that what he does makes you uncomfortable, this cannot in anyway be your fault, as much as others may try to tell you that. Prayers for you!

[tinytherese]

[quote name='Marie-Therese' post='1882235' date='Jun 3 2009, 04:01 PM']Oh my dear, I am so, so sorry that you are dealing with this.

I think you hit upon an important point when you said that you thought your dad's behavior was more about pressing your buttons than about something necessarily sexual. I tend to agree with you, although I also agree that his knowing your discomfort about this makes it a little more potentially dangerous than your average picking. I am glad to see that you've made contingency plans in case the situation were to escalate.

I can tell you some things about your father...first, he's a macho guy. A guy's guy. He is a control freak, except when it comes to himself. He probably is very particular about the way you or your mom carry out household chores while being lax on the details himself. He is also very insecure and needs to find ways to pump himself up. That is why he continually ridicules you and your mother, but could secretly compliment you in private...those compliments are more about, "hey guys, look at the great job I've done with my kid." He is a narcissist with an inferiority complex.

One thing you need to know about people like your dad is that they are desperate to be loved but have no idea how to gain that love, so they get the next best thing, which is attention. Your father's infantile behavior suggests to me that he was probably not treated well by a significant male in his life, also. That sometimes is the root of their need. The reason he pings on your faith is because he knows it's the most important thing in your life...to him, more important to you than HE is.

A suggestion...this will be hard, but give it a try. Try being unexpectedly kind to your dad. Nothing big, just make him a cup of coffee or start a conversation about something you know he likes. You might be surprised by his response. Of course, do this in a safe way where you don't have physical contact. If he responds positively, I'd say that he just wants to know you love him. Even if he comes back with something like, "so what's it to you?", just say, well, I know it is something important to you and I want to make you happy.

If his response continues to be negative, there might be some more serious issues, such as intentional cruelty. In that case, stay away from him.

I will pray for you, my dear. God knows how you need a father. One night, when you lay down to bed, ask Him to hold you and rock you to sleep. He's done it for me. From one woman with father issues to another, I love you. Our Father will never leave you, child. Remember that above all else.[/quote]

I definitely agree with the narcissism diagnosis, though the fear of the situation escalating is still present. Even if it never did, the fear of it possibly happening is greatly painful even in and of itself.

What you said about the unexpected kindness inspired me with an idea. It may sound lame though. The more recent movie Fireproof involved a husband following the daily instructions of "The Love Dare" book where each day he would love his wife as the book instructed him to do. Now I know that this concept was designed specifically to save marriages, but some of the concepts from sacred scripture used from it may be helpful in this situation. I'll have to form a love plan to use on him. I'll start a separate thread on that for tips. It definitely won't be easy but using a whole new kind of "Love Dare" on him. I'll have to reread St. Paul's definition of love and I've ordered a book from amazon called "Wild at Heart" which has been recommended to me before for understanding manhood. Perhaps that book will address what my dad lacked when he was growing up and moving into manhood.

There's something with some of the men on my dad's side of the family. I suspect that my grandpa had a negative influence on my dad, though there could have been someone else or multiple men that didn't provide a solid example for manhood. My dad seemed to start acting narcissistic in his childhood and his first marriage ended really badly and he got an annulment from it.

He and his ex-wife want absolutley nothing to do with each other. It's been thirty years since the divorce and they still hate each other. My older brother was a baby when they split up and his mom got custody of him. I got to see my brother a lot more when I was a baby and a toddler but after that I mostly just saw him on special occasions. I wasn't aware of it at the time, but when I was really little, his mom was trying to turn my brother against our dad and told him lies about him. It was a tense time and I heard about what was going on years afterwards. The divorce hit my brother really hard and he acted up as a result of it and though he does date he is afraid of getting married. He also has some maturing to do and last Christmas he confessed that he had drinking problems during his twenties. (He is thirty now.) It's sad how he and I are practically strangers to each other and how he paid so little attention to me when I was growing up. He could have come to visit us since he wasn't that far away but he rarely did.

My dad's young brother is known as the black sheep of the family. Nobody wanted anything to do with him. I don't know all of the details regarding him and his life but I do know some. Years ago he got arrested for possessing pot and might have attacked the police officer that was arresting him. He's still behind bars. I'm praying for his conversion and that my family will accept and forgive him. I've specifically asked St. Maximilian Kolbe to pray for him. He brought about converts from his time in prison.

I'm concerned about how my younger brother will turn out with my dad as a model for manhood for him. I pray that St. Joseph will help him to become a real man and that Jesus will be my brother's REAL example of manhood for him.

[tinytherese]

This song takes on a much deeper significance to me now. The first two pictures in this video are goofy but it is the song that really matters. Years ago my dad made fun of this song as my mom played it on a c.d. in the car for my little brother though. I know don't go to bed before listening to it. I almost always cry listening to it. Last sunday at mass I cringed when saying the Our Father and I got sensitive for a while just thinking of the word father, but this song helps. I've got a heavenly father that loves me.

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZU7haNwyHc"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZU7haNwyHc[/url]



I'm still in for the Love Dare that I'll be doing. I've been in prayer with Our Lord about it and it sounds like He is all for it. What a way to not only fight for my dignity and my dad's love but also to evangelize. He knows that I'm a devout Catholic I am and showing Him love like this that comes from God and not myself may help to aid in his conversion, though it will take time and prayer. St. Monica prayed for her son and he is now St. Augustine.

[tinytherese]

I'm having difficulty sleeping because of this situation and Our Lord feels very distant from me right now. I actually am able to cry about this now.

[The Bus Station]

I can give no advice on this issue, but know that I am praying for you.

[tinytherese]

[quote name='The Bus Station' post='1896899' date='Jun 20 2009, 07:29 PM']I can give no advice on this issue, but know that I am praying for you.[/quote]

Thank you. I need plenty of it.

[pat22]

TT, has anyone ever told you your avatar rocks?

[tinytherese]

[quote name='pat22' post='1896941' date='Jun 20 2009, 09:08 PM']TT, has anyone ever told you your avatar rocks?[/quote]

Yes, some have been saying that this week. I even watched [i]bella[/i] the other day.

[tinytherese]

Tomorrow is Father's Day, sigh. Well I'm giving dad [i]Wild at Heart [/i]to read. I've read part of it and though it was difficult for me personally to get through it for a while I'm liking it more.

[tinytherese]

Gave him the book and he seemed surprised and interested. Thankfully it is not a really preachy one that would turn him off.

He sure ticked me off multiple times yesterday, insulting JP2 and Our Lord and intentionally doing something obnoxious to irritate me.

[eagle_eye222001]

Your a saint for dealing with that.

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Now playing: [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/artist/matt+maher/track/great+things"]Matt Maher - Great Things[/url]
via [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/signatunes/"]FoxyTunes[/url]

[tinytherese]

[quote name='eagle_eye222001' post='1898848' date='Jun 22 2009, 04:32 PM']Your a saint for dealing with that.

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Now playing: [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/artist/matt+maher/track/great+things"]Matt Maher - Great Things[/url]
via [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/signatunes/"]FoxyTunes[/url][/quote]

My, thank you. When I read that it reminded me of what St. Germain went through, but her situation was worse (not that I'm in her league.)

[tinytherese]

Well I might actually get to finally go to a counseling session today and if not today then thursday. I really need it. I might have depression and I'm still not used to my new school yet. I'm feeling overwhelmed.

[Lil Red]

[quote name='tinytherese' date='07 September 2009 - 09:30 AM' timestamp='1252337447' post='1962586']
Well I might actually get to finally go to a counseling session today and if not today then thursday. I really need it. I might have depression and I'm still not used to my new school yet. I'm feeling overwhelmed.
[/quote]
+J.M.J.+

[Archaeology cat]

Praying for you.

[Winchester]

Put him in an arm bar and make him say he likes crepes.

[tinytherese]

Thank you everyone. I managed to get an appointment late this afternoon.