Defending Myself

[MIKolbe]

let's talk.

[Faith 1st]

I agree with IcePrincess.... Hit back and run.

I know that you said that you depend on them for $ and meds... but there are other ways to get that. There are services that you could apply for. If your a student then you are in a good position that services would not be that hard to get.

Or you could always call the police. That might send your parents a strong message that you are done taking the abuse from him. It is a really hard chose that only you will have to make.

Prays to you

[Norseman82]

The first thing you need to do is make sure your dad does not monitor your computer usage or what websites you visit, as abusers are typically control freaks who, if they find out you are seeking help, will cut off your contact or confiscate anything you may have acquired to help yourself.

[quote name='rachael' post='1909481' date='Jul 3 2009, 06:53 PM']The point is this....lately I have been told by relatives and parent's friends that I should stop fighting against him when he tries to beat me up. Their reasoning? "Everyone" goes through this. I wouldn't accept this from them.[/quote]

That's part of the problem - if your dad was abused, then the relatrives were probably abused, too, and so were brainwashed into thinking that it is a normal part of life. Thus, the cycle continues.

I agree with Hughey and CatherineM - you need to get some outside intervention. I would take CatherineM's advice first and visit a battered women's shelter, who could probably help you with an escape plan and - maybe - help with medication.

But part of the problem, I suspect, is that you still have some fear paralysis that is making you afraid to leave, even though you have shown you can overcome it enough to to defend yourself. Unfortunately, it probably will take a traumatic and, I fear, life threatening event that will finally send your adrenaline into overdrive and take action.

I could post some other self-defense tips once I know your visits to this website are secure and private.

Another thing I remember is that you posted that you suffered epileptic seizures. Did the onset of your seizures coincide with the beginning of the abuse?

[kafka]

good post norsemen. If these keep on getting worse Rache the very least you could do is come up with some provisional plan with the help of outside intervention.

[rachael]

[quote name='Norseman82' post='1910079' date='Jul 4 2009, 12:01 AM']The first thing you need to do is make sure your dad does not monitor your computer usage or what websites you visit, as abusers are typically control freaks who, if they find out you are seeking help, will cut off your contact or confiscate anything you may have acquired to help yourself.



That's part of the problem - if your dad was abused, then the relatrives were probably abused, too, and so were brainwashed into thinking that it is a normal part of life. Thus, the cycle continues.

I agree with Hughey and CatherineM - you need to get some outside intervention. I would take CatherineM's advice first and visit a battered women's shelter, who could probably help you with an escape plan and - maybe - help with medication.

But part of the problem, I suspect, is that you still have some fear paralysis that is making you afraid to leave, even though you have shown you can overcome it enough to to defend yourself. Unfortunately, it probably will take a traumatic and, I fear, life threatening event that will finally send your adrenaline into overdrive and take action.

I could post some other self-defense tips once I know your visits to this website are secure and private.

Another thing I remember is that you posted that you suffered epileptic seizures. Did the onset of your seizures coincide with the beginning of the abuse?[/quote]
My parents have no clue that I visit this site, and I am certainly not monitored. There is much more than fear that is holding me back, and I am not so willing to post about it. The seizures started many years after the abuse started, so I doubt they are related.

Edited July 4, 2009 by rachael

[eagle_eye222001]

[quote name='rachael' post='1909481' date='Jul 3 2009, 06:53 PM']...

The point is this....lately I have been told by relatives and parent's friends that I should stop fighting against him when he tries to beat me up. Their reasoning? "Everyone" goes through this. ...[/quote]

That's a bunch of buffalo scat.


[quote]I am at a loss as to what to do when he starts to do such things to me. Should I continue defending myself? Or should I back down? My mother insists that is usually my fault that such incidents start, but 99% of the time they aren't.

Sorry for such a heavy topic, y'all. [/quote]

That's a bunch of more buffalo scat.

Sorry to hear you don't have good family support and advice.

Continue defending yourself. There is no excuse to continue to subject yourself to this. If anything, by letting it go, you are harming yourself seriously for the future.

Even if these arguments are your fault, that is NO justification for what is being done to you.

I don't know what to really say except you can't let this continue. If you can't get out for the moment, you have every right to defend yourself. When issues happen in families, sometimes family members will do everything to pretend everything is fine. I've seen it happen.

Couple things you need to do.

1. Defend yourself.

2. Find counseling of some sort or at least talk to someone you can trust. When issues like this happen, it's important to work through them, and talking it through can help a lot. Your doing good for starters by bringing this thread up as it will help you deal with this serious issue psychologically.

3. Do not bury this. Burying serious issues like this will only come back haunt you later in life.



You'll be in my prayers.

----------------
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[rachael]

Can everyone pray that I am able to find a job away from here? Thanks.

[Lil Red]

[quote name='rachael' post='1910562' date='Jul 4 2009, 07:48 AM']Can everyone pray that I am able to find a job away from here? Thanks.[/quote]
+J.M.J.+

of course

[Starets]

Certainly I will, sweetheart. Given the difference in our ages and genders I don't think it would be appropriate for me to share details, but I have gone through similar things

[Norseman82]

[quote name='rachael' post='1910562' date='Jul 4 2009, 09:48 AM']Can everyone pray that I am able to find a job away from here? Thanks.[/quote]

Consider it done.

In the meantime, here are a few tips:

1) Don't be alone with your father. Have witnesses that can testify that you were on your best behavior and he initiated everything. I may have missed this among your past posts, but do you have any other brothers/sisters living at home? Also, is alcohol/drugs involved? Staying away when he is inebriated may help reduce the chance he may "go off on you".

2) Document everything - including times, dates, witnesses, etc. You may need it someday either in court or intervention or if you simply challenge other family members who refuse to believe you. If you find you need to do so in writing, do so in a code or foreign language that you know but your parents don't.

3) Please also note that abusers tend to move on to another target when the current target is no longer available for abuse. Please be aware of this in case you have younger brothers/sisters still living at home.

4) Hide some money for emergency purposes.

5) I could give you some other physical defense tips, but please be aware these could hurt him greatly or escalate the situation that you may have no other choice to call the police.

[tinytherese]

I can identify with some of what you're going through Rachael. My dad physically tortured me when I was a little girl and as far back as I can remember has been verbally and emotionally abusive. Last year he started sexually harassing me. He seems to be doing all of this just to push my buttons but I can't count 100% on that. The fear that he could rape me is still on my mind. I just found out yesterday that he got a visectomy years ago when I was twelve, a few months after my little brother was conceived. It's sick how when I heard this at a Fourth of July get together with other family members that part of me felt relieved that if he did in fact rape me that I wouldn't get pregnant from it.

Abuse can certainly lower one's self worth. Despite that I'm a junior black belt in tae kwon doe I still feel held back confidence wise. Even if I weren't so out of practice I still wouldn't want to try to fight him off. He's 6'3, works out a lot, and lifts weights. His strength and physical abilities are scary for me to think about.

I have somewhat of a fear of driving and my dad was literally my driver's ed. teacher. He does it for a living and I took a summer session class with him and even though he wasn't abusive during the timie that he was teaching me how to drive both in class and out I still didn't like it. Something about it annoyed me and he didn't always seem calm about it. So I usually don't drive, so I don't have a car. Just today, dad had me drive with him and my little brother to mass while my mom had already gone to mass earlier since she cantors. Then dad wanted to take me to practice driving again, but I refused. Mom knows that I don't like driving with him and that I'd rather do it with her instead but she said for that time at least that I should try it with him and that we would talk all three of us together later about it. If I felt okay with it then it would continue and if not then all of us could discuss what I didn't like about driving with him. So far this talk hasn't happened yet but I'm dreading it.

I don't want to spend any more time with him than I have to, and I especially don't want to be alone with him. Facing two fears at once is a lot to ask. Mom doesn't seem to "get it." She has stood up for me before regarding the sexual harassment but she doesn't seem to want to fight anymore. She knows about how he frustrates me and she says that she's tried to change him for years and that he just won't do it so don't even bother. I'm sick of this! I'm tired of that talk with her. The "wounds" are already there. It doesn't matter why he does it--it's still WRONG. I don't feel safe. I want him to stop and to sincerely apologize.

[rachael]

[quote name='tinytherese' post='1911852' date='Jul 5 2009, 05:10 PM']I can identify with some of what you're going through Rachael. My dad physically tortured me when I was a little girl and as far back as I can remember has been verbally and emotionally abusive. Last year he started sexually harassing me. He seems to be doing all of this just to push my buttons but I can't count 100% on that. The fear that he could rape me is still on my mind. I just found out yesterday that he got a visectomy years ago when I was twelve, a few months after my little brother was conceived. It's sick how when I heard this at a Fourth of July get together with other family members that part of me felt relieved that if he did in fact rape me that I wouldn't get pregnant from it.

Abuse can certainly lower one's self worth. Despite that I'm a junior black belt in tae kwon doe I still feel held back confidence wise. Even if I weren't so out of practice I still wouldn't want to try to fight him off. He's 6'3, works out a lot, and lifts weights. His strength and physical abilities are scary for me to think about.

I have somewhat of a fear of driving and my dad was literally my driver's ed. teacher. He does it for a living and I took a summer session class with him and even though he wasn't abusive during the timie that he was teaching me how to drive both in class and out I still didn't like it. Something about it annoyed me and he didn't always seem calm about it. So I usually don't drive, so I don't have a car. Just today, dad had me drive with him and my little brother to mass while my mom had already gone to mass earlier since she cantors. Then dad wanted to take me to practice driving again, but I refused. Mom knows that I don't like driving with him and that I'd rather do it with her instead but she said for that time at least that I should try it with him and that we would talk all three of us together later about it. If I felt okay with it then it would continue and if not then all of us could discuss what I didn't like about driving with him. So far this talk hasn't happened yet but I'm dreading it.

I don't want to spend any more time with him than I have to, and I especially don't want to be alone with him. Facing two fears at once is a lot to ask. Mom doesn't seem to "get it." She has stood up for me before regarding the sexual harassment but she doesn't seem to want to fight anymore. She knows about how he frustrates me and she says that she's tried to change him for years and that he just won't do it so don't even bother. I'm sick of this! I'm tired of that talk with her. The "wounds" are already there. It doesn't matter why he does it--it's still WRONG. I don't feel safe. I want him to stop and to sincerely apologize.[/quote]

[QuoteMan]

Seeing as most helpful tips have already been posted, I have only one tip:

And if he ever tries something like that again.... Aim for the crotch with something
heavy...

[icelandic_iceskater]

I there was something I could say... but most of it has already been said. You two are in my prayers.

edit: And remember to unite your suffering with that of the cross... the grace you will receive will more than make up for the pain you endure.

Edited July 5, 2009 by icelandic_iceskater

[tinytherese]

[quote name='icelandic_iceskater' post='1911904' date='Jul 5 2009, 06:48 PM']

I there was something I could say... but most of it has already been said. You two are in my prayers.

edit: And remember to unite your suffering with that of the cross... the grace you will receive will more than make up for the pain you endure.

[/quote]

Thank you.

[hoosieranna]

Rach, I don't have an answer other than you are perfectly in the right to defend yourself. Know that my prayers are added to the multitude already being offered.

[toebat]

Have you looked at Job Corps? I am not sure, but I believe they have a campus residency program. I do not think they have medical requirements.

Nobody should be abused, for any reason. People blame it on others, drugs or history. The truth is, they need self-control. There are people who think because they have reached a certain age, they are grown-up and nobody can tell them what to do.

All I can do from here is tell you to have faith. Pray and open your heart and your eyes for opportunities to make things better. Remember Jesus said, "Whatever you did to the least of these, you did to Me." I wouldn't want to be your Dad on that day.

[princessgianna]

[quote name='rachael' post='1910562' date='Jul 4 2009, 08:48 AM']Can everyone pray that I am able to find a job away from here? Thanks.[/quote]
Totally. Take care of yourself.

[tinytherese]

I'll be away from my dad for several days. I'll be going with other family members to visit relatives that I haven't seen since Christmas and dad is staying behind. I leave today and come back on sunday. It'll be nice to have a vacation from him.

It's funny, because at least one good thing has come from this situation--ever since last month I've been praying to Our Heavenly Father daily. I tell Him how I feel, what is going on, and even about stuff that isn't related to the abuses. Before, I didn't say much to Him apart from saying an Our Father for a prayer intention or as part of the rosary. In the past I've found it hard to relate and talk with Him but I am working on it much more now.

I liked this song before but over these past few weeks it means much more to me because of how my relationship with my Heavenly Father has been changing.

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZU7haNwyHc"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZU7haNwyHc[/url]

There's also Pope John Paul II who was more of a father to me than my dad has ever been even though I never met him, who I am sure is praying for me during this time and our current Holy Father Benedict--oh isn't the title HOLY FATHER a wonderful one!

Oh and St. Joseph! I almost completely forgot about him. I ask that he (as well as St. Maria Goretti and her Father) protect me from getting raped. May he come to your aid too Rachael! He is a very powerful influence on Our Lord.

Edited July 7, 2009 by tinytherese

[CatherineM]

You might also try sitting down and doing a scenario list. If he does this, I will do that, etc. Make a checklist like a pilot has for each emergency scenario, so that you don't feel so out of control of the situation.