boudi Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 During my children's lives I have gone from devoutly Catholic to devoutly anti-Catholic, and now back to humbly Catholic with reverence. This, no doubt, has caused confusion for my two girls - now 15 and 17. I have begun going to mass, reading scripture, praying etc. My girls, though kind and generally "good" kids have traits that remind me of my arrogance, ungratefulness, and utter blindness to the what Christ and the church are trying to show and teach us. I have been praying for forgiveness for not making sure my girls went to church, understood the teachings, and learned to lvoe the Lord; however, I couldn't do these things myself so I didn't mentor them to my kids. Now I am so deeply sorry and filled with regret - it brings me great pain. I don't feel I can now, suddenly, force them to attend mass with me or require them to pray etc. I have failed this parenting role so miserably I don't know where to begin. Top this off with the fact they are teens with the ability to "push" me until I, in weakness, respond to them in a less than Christian manner when they are disrespectful, judgmental, or unkind to each other. For those of you with experience how would you guide "know it all" / arrogant teens back to the Church without coercion or force? I want them to come in answer to His call, as He wants - with our free-will. Not to please me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaeology cat Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 (edited) I have no words of advice or wisdom, but I will pray. Edited August 9, 2009 by Archaeology cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Adam Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 [quote]For those of you with experience how would you guide "know it all" / arrogant teens back to the Church without coercion or force?[/quote] The way you guide anyone to the Church - through prayer and love. I'm not sure how healthy it is to call your children "know it all/arrogant teens" on a public forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmotherofpirl Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Been there, done that. Preach by example, not words. Be faithful and be happy, nothing is more contagious than happiness. Brother Adam - ALL teens are know-it-alls and arrogant between the ages of 11/13 and 17/18. Its part of the growing up process, kids push buttons to find the boundaries and limits of life and society. Its amazing how smart your parents become when you hit 21. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIKolbe Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 my advice- be the Christian you want them to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theologian in Training Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Something associated with St. Francis of Assisi, though not proven, but relevant nonetheless: "Preach always, when necessary, use words." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Resurrexi Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 (edited) [quote name='boudi' post='1944140' date='Aug 9 2009, 11:16 AM']For those of you with experience how would you guide "know it all" / arrogant teens[/quote] I have lots of experience with that type of teenager. It's probably not the kind of experience for which you are looking, though. Edited August 9, 2009 by Resurrexi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deus te Amat Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 (edited) [quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='1944210' date='Aug 9 2009, 01:44 PM']Brother Adam - ALL teens are know-it-alls and arrogant between the ages of 11/13 and 17/18. Its part of the growing up process, kids push buttons to find the boundaries and limits of life and society. Its amazing how smart your parents become when you hit 21.[/quote] Boudi, I'm praying for you and your teens... perhaps actually telling them your experiences and what the Church means to you might help? Cmom and Brother Adam, as a 19 year old, I COMPLETELY agree with what Cmom says here. Looking back at my teen years, I cannot believe how arrogant and self-absorbed I was. I'm slowly beginning to appreciate my parents more and more, and I truly regret how I used to behave. And I know that I wasn't the worst of my peers. I don't think that boudi is wrong by saying that her teens are "arrogant" or "know-it-alls". If you've read some metaphysics of Aquinas or Aquinas scholars, or even psychology of development, you'll know that self-consciousness, or the view of self as the center of your world, is all part of the formative process. Edited August 9, 2009 by Deus_te_Amat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeniteAdoremus Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 One of my parents reverted while I was in my teens, and that was very hard for me. Our situation was a bit different, though: I had converted from nothingism to Catholicism slightly before that. The problem was that from that point my parent wanted us to be Catholics "together", while this only underlined for me that my other parent and one of my siblings weren't Catholic. I still can't pray together with my parent because of this (unless my sister is also around). And another problem was that, of course, my parent still had to grow in the faith, but wanted to present a clear set of norms. So I saw a discrepancy of what was (suddenly!) expected of me, and their own behaviour at times, even though they tried their best. There is, of course, always an element of this in adolescent-parent relationships, but normally that grows quite a bit more organically. So I agree with the other posters: live it! If they see you becoming a better person, and a happier person, it's bound to influence them. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I wouldn't do things like changing rules overly much. They are yours to set, of course, but your children have grown up into a certain mould, and switching that around will probably not be comfortable. That's my two cents I'm sorry that I can't be more positive (although I think my parent is content with the way I turned out so far... ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatherineM Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 You are describing my parents, and I turned out okay. Just lead by example. We may hate admitting it, but deep down most of us want to be like our parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starets Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 (edited) Aside from what the others have already said, I would add to give a hoot about them. Ideally, show by your actions that your giving a hoot about them is informed by your religtious faith. That can work wonders, even if it takes a few years to see results. Not only was I proud, arrogant, and stubborn as a teen, I was a "problem child" and a rent-a-kid. I'm guessing that if you have teenaged daughters you are old enough to remember when "problem child" was a term and not a movie. The head of the first group home (and second placement) I was in wrote an assessment of me once. It followed me around for years even though no one would admit to it. I found out about it a couple years later. He said that I was mentally retarded, would never hold down a job, never graduate from high school, never live independantly, and would have to be institutionalised for the rest of my life. I am a complete failure. I have a university degree. I've lived independantly for a couple decades. I've successfully held down jobs. Admittedly, I made tons of mistakes along the way, but my pride and stubbornness was channeled into perseverance. What can I say? I am the illegitimate child of the Energiser Bunny and a Timex watch. Not only do I take a lickin and keep on tickin, I keep going, and going, and going, and going .. ! What made the difference? One of the biggest reasons why I wasn't just warehoused and forgotten back in the late 70s is my child psychiatrist. She gave a hoot about me. Sometimes she would encourage me to keep goping. Other times she would scold for being stupid. But she gave a hoot. Not only that, she kept in touch after I left foster care and continued to give a hoot for years afterwards. She even came to mu university graduation in 1987. That shows genuineness. One of the things you learned as a rent-a-kid in the 70s is that the only ones who give a hoot about you are the ones who are paid to. And even then they might not. You might just be something to take out the garbage and do the dishes. I owe Dr. McKenty more than I can ever repay, and one of the ways I repay is to give a hoot myself. I'm not saying all this to put the focus on me or be maudlin. I am just using myself as a salutary warning. So please give a hoot. I believe you when you descrive how they can be sometimes. Give a hoot anyway I believe you do now, otherwise you would not be so upset by the situation. so please continue to give a hoot about them. Thats all. I'm probably going to regret revealing all this information, but only one person on this site knows my real name anyway. Maybe my story can be of help to you. Edited August 9, 2009 by Staretz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IcePrincessKRS Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 [quote name='MIkolbe' post='1944238' date='Aug 9 2009, 02:55 PM']my advice- be the Christian you want them to be.[/quote] Boudi, I will say some prayers for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Technically you can force them to go to Mass if you wanted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eagle_eye222001 Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Tough situation. Will keep you in my prayers. I can only reiterate the advice already stated that at this point in the game you just have to lead by example and start praying hard your children take an interest in receiving Jesus in the Sacrament of the Eucharist. ---------------- Now playing: [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/artist/the+fray/track/how+to+save+a+life"]The Fray - How To Save A Life[/url] via [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/signatunes/"]FoxyTunes[/url] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Obviously you won't see instant results no matter what you do. Even kids of parents who have been entirely Catholic all their lives often turn away from the Church as they grow and mature. I agree with the advice of leading by example. Probably what would happen is that after a few years they'd start to follow you back Home. Although ideally they'd follow you anyway, right away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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