Husband At Bachelor Party

[rwri10]

I'm recently married, Catholic. Husband is a non-Catholic. This weekend, husband is at a bachelor party for a close friend. When I told him how I felt about female dancers.. etc. he said there would not be anything like that. Accidently, I open his facebook account to find the event he's attending this weekend is titled "boobs and tubes" with a picture of a dancer.

I feel extremely hurt. What is so difficult is his secular view of marriage & sexuality. Am I wrong to feel hurt and upset? I know society sees it as a right of passage and fun last night of freedom, but I feel it's a grave sin. Even if it's a close friend, I feel he shouldn't participate. I feel hurt that I've married the type of man that has these friends and feels this is OK. Other aspects of my marriage have been so affected by his secular views as well. Anger, Cursing, expectations for sex, feeling like an object, I have made a commitment to this man but I feel in a constant uphill battle.

I am not the same person that I was when I met him. Since, I've grown closer to Christ, as I hoped we would grow closer together, that hasn't been the case.

Any feedback would be of assistance.
Thanks so much

[Sternhauser]

[quote name='rwri10' date='05 June 2010 - 03:47 PM' timestamp='1275770878' post='2124198']
I'm recently married, Catholic. Husband is a non-Catholic. This weekend, husband is at a bachelor party for a close friend. When I told him how I felt about female dancers.. etc. he said there would not be anything like that. Accidently, I open his facebook account to find the event he's attending this weekend is titled "boobs and tubes" with a picture of a dancer.

I feel extremely hurt. What is so difficult is his secular view of marriage & sexuality. Am I wrong to feel hurt and upset? I know society sees it as a right of passage and fun last night of freedom, but I feel it's a grave sin. Even if it's a close friend, I feel he shouldn't participate. I feel hurt that I've married the type of man that has these friends and feels this is OK. Other aspects of my marriage have been so affected by his secular views as well. Anger, Cursing, expectations for sex, feeling like an object, I have made a commitment to this man but I feel in a constant uphill battle.

I am not the same person that I was when I met him. Since, I've grown closer to Christ, as I hoped we would grow closer together, that hasn't been the case.

Any feedback would be of assistance.
Thanks so much
[/quote]

You are absolutely right to feel hurt and upset. First, it appears as though he may have lied to you. Second, and worse: the objectification of women (or men), especially their sexual exploitation, is a grave evil. Who wants his or her significant other leering at other men or women, treating them as sexual objects? "Amen, I say to you, any man who so much as [i]looks [/i]at a woman with lust in his heart has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

You didn't just marry a man who has "that type of friends." It's not a one-way street: if he goes, [i]his[/i] friends have "that type of friend," too.

I'll pray for you and him. Honor your vows, even if he doesn't honor his, and pray for him. If his views of marriage include a desire never to have children, you may not have even been married. I'd recommend you talk to a priest for advice. Not us mere laymen.


~Sternhauser

Edited June 5, 2010 by Sternhauser

[rwri10]

Thank you Sternhauser. Yes, I plan on speaking with a priest.

[CatherineM]

My husband had a bachelor's party. He had no idea what it would involve until he got there because he wasn't the one planning it. It ended up being at a comedy club, no strippers, but he did leave when a comedian started picking on him.

Until you know differently, never assume that your husband lied to you. It's possible that he didn't know exactly what would be involved. Giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt is a good practice if you want your marriage to last long term. Trust is also a good foundation to establish for a new marriage.

I had a bachelorette party as well. Also no strippers. I was new in the country, so the guests were all friends of my husband, including two former girlfriends. Strange, but harmless.

If you didn't do pre-marriage counseling, it is never too late. You can still learn about each other, and learn relationship skills that can help you down the road.

[Era Might]

I think you have to firmly tell your husband you're not going to tolerate such things. The whole idea behind "strippers" is that they allow men to treat them like objects. Hence, men think such behavior is "normal" and "acceptable." You have to tell your husband, in no uncertain terms, that you're not going to tolerate it...in other words, you have to do the opposite of what strippers do. I don't know how he'll respond...but I think you have to be firm about it, regardless of the consequences.

Edited June 5, 2010 by Era Might

[Brother Adam]

To add to already good advice try to evangelize him. He has been tAught a false philosophy of love. Over time try to teach him, gently, what true love is and how it is lived. When he sees that true love and 'chaste sex' are far better and more fulfilling that might help. Of course this is best understood in the light of Christ so I will pray for his conversion.

[Semper Catholic]

"Accidentally" nice one lol.

Not logging out of facebook is entry level though. You should have made his status "I'm a dummy who doesn't log out of facebook and now I get to have my bachelor party at the Old Folks Home instead of with strippers."

That would be punishment enough.

[Vincent Vega]

.

Edited June 5, 2010 by USAirwaysIHS

[Marie-Therese]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' date='05 June 2010 - 07:18 PM' timestamp='1275779887' post='2124255']
"Accidentally" nice one lol.

Not logging out of facebook is entry level though. You should have made his status "I'm a dummy who doesn't log out of facebook and now I get to have my bachelor party at the Old Folks Home instead of with strippers."

That would be punishment enough.
[/quote]

-1.
Are you capable of a constructive comment that has some relationship to being Catholic? Or, better yet, how about just start at a comment that resembles being a decent human being? A woman is suffering because it appears that her husband may have been dishonest and may have been in an inappropriate situation with other women. You might think it's funny, but that only speaks to the utter lack of couth and compassion you are exhibiting. If you really are "semper Catholic" then try acting that way.

[Jesus_lol]

well, he may have been dishonest with you and doing something you dont approve of , but its important to realize that this party doesnt make him or his friends bad people.

[KnightofChrist]

[quote name='Jesus_lol' date='05 June 2010 - 08:09 PM' timestamp='1275782946' post='2124287']
well, he may have been dishonest with you and doing something you dont approve of , but its important to realize that this party doesnt make him or his friends bad people.
[/quote]

But it certainly makes their choice to go and participate bad and sinful if it is going to have strippers. And as a Husband, head of the Household, a dereliction of duty.

[Semper Catholic]

[quote name='Marie-Therese' date='05 June 2010 - 06:43 PM' timestamp='1275781436' post='2124270']
-1.
Are you capable of a constructive comment that has some relationship to being Catholic? Or, better yet, how about just start at a comment that resembles being a decent human being? A woman is suffering because it appears that her husband may have been dishonest and may have been in an inappropriate situation with other women. You might think it's funny, but that only speaks to the utter lack of couth and compassion you are exhibiting. If you really are "semper Catholic" then try acting that way.
[/quote]

I am. It's important for OP to also realize that going to unsavory places for Bachelor Parties is practically an American Past time. It's also an American past time, to keep that information from the wives/ bride to be/gf's (see The Hangover, i.e. a movie that is apparently popular around these parts as I see a number of Zach avatars).

With that said lying is bad and he should be punished, but this is nowhere near something to be overly concerned about.

Edited June 6, 2010 by Semper Catholic

[Nihil Obstat]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' date='05 June 2010 - 07:56 PM' timestamp='1275785782' post='2124308']
I am. It's important for OP to also realize that going to unsavory places for Bachelor Parties is practically an American Past time. It's also an American past time, to keep that information from the bride-to-be (see The Hangover, i.e. a movie that is apparently popular around these parts as I see a number of Zach avatars).

With that said lying is bad and he should be punished, but this is nowhere near something to be overly concerned about.
[/quote]
A serious Catholic isn't particularly concerned about what is "practically an American Past time [sic]". You could say the same about abortion and binge drinking.

[tinytherese]

As I've heard it before, "What is right isn't always popular and what is popular is not always right."

This "popularity" just shows concupiscence in our society and its lack of understanding of the dignity of others, oneself, and what real love is.

[Semper Catholic]

[quote name='Nihil Obstat' date='05 June 2010 - 07:57 PM' timestamp='1275785877' post='2124311']
A serious Catholic isn't particularly concerned about what is "practically an American Past time [sic]". You could say the same about abortion and binge drinking.
[/quote]

Yes clearly going to a bachelor party is on the same level as getting an abortion or becoming an alcoholic.

I know this is a place for "hardcore" Catholics, but 99% of America and I'd say a majority of Catholics don't walk such a strict line.

[KnightofChrist]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' date='05 June 2010 - 09:05 PM' timestamp='1275786345' post='2124318']
Yes clearly going to a bachelor party is on the same level as getting an abortion or becoming an alcoholic.

I know this is a place for "hardcore" Catholics, but 99% of America and I'd say a majority of Catholics don't walk such a strict line.
[/quote]

99% of Strawmen certainly agree. Abortion is not on the same level of wickedness, but going to such events is dwelling in the sins of the flesh, perversion, and lust.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' date='05 June 2010 - 08:56 PM' timestamp='1275785782' post='2124308']
I am. It's important for OP to also realize that going to unsavory places for Bachelor Parties is practically an American Past time. It's also an American past time, to keep that information from the bride-to-be (see The Hangover, i.e. a movie that is apparently popular around these parts as I see a number of Zach avatars).

With that said lying is bad and he should be punished, but this is nowhere near something to be overly concerned about.
[/quote]
Ah, right, as long as it's an American pastime! You had me worried! I mean, Jesus said that lust was adultery, but he didn't realize that eventually, in some countries, lust would become a pastime. The fact that it's popular makes it okay. The divorce it's associated with is also a popular American pastime, so no problem there. The bad relationships, bad habits of viewing the opposite sex as an object, and the way lust ruins families, well those are all American pastimes, too. But lying...yeah, we should definitely punish that...goodness knows it's not an American pastime.

To the original poster, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Lust, which is a self-centered way of thought, is diametrically opposed to everything that love and marriage are about. I would tell him not to go, let him know that you're upset, and if he goes, spend the whole time in prayer asking that God touch his heart. Keep praying for him and being a Christian witness to him. Show him the kind of genuine, self-sacrificing love he's not showing you, and definitely speak with your priest. There are women here who have gone through similar ordeals. I hope some of them will have the courage to post.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' date='05 June 2010 - 09:05 PM' timestamp='1275786345' post='2124318']
Yes clearly going to a bachelor party is on the same level as getting an abortion or becoming an alcoholic.

I know this is a place for "hardcore" Catholics, but 99% of America and I'd say a majority of Catholics don't walk such a strict line.
[/quote]
Jesus Christ disagrees with 99% of America and a majority of Catholics, then. I don't care what anyone else thinks, except Jesus. Neither should you.

You know, the word Catholic means "according to the whole.". Calling ourselves Catholics means that we accept the WHOLE faith and strive to live by it WHOLLY.

[Cherie]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' date='05 June 2010 - 09:05 PM' timestamp='1275786345' post='2124318']
Yes clearly going to a bachelor party is on the same level as getting an abortion or becoming an alcoholic.

I know this is a place for "hardcore" Catholics, but 99% of America and I'd say a majority of Catholics don't walk such a strict line.
[/quote]

And 80% of "Catholic" couples are contracepting, too.

It is most definitely immoral and utterly wrong for a husband to take part in such a licentious thing, and his wife has EVERY RIGHT to insist he not take part in such filth.

I know from my own experience in my OWN FAMILY the HORRORS of pornography, and how it DESTROYS couples and RIPS FAMILIES APART. And yes, strippers at a bachelor party constitutes pornography. It's CERTAINLY not something to be taken lightly, even if it is "popular." No wonder our families in this country and society are in the shambles they are today, because of people who take the "it's not that bad, and everyone does it" approach.

LORD HAVE MERCY ON US!

[homeschoolmom]

[quote name='Raphael' date='05 June 2010 - 09:13 PM' timestamp='1275786829' post='2124332']
Jesus Christ disagrees with 99% of America and a majority of Catholics, then. I don't care what anyone else thinks, except Jesus. Neither should you.

You know, the word Catholic means "according to the whole.". Calling ourselves Catholics means that we accept the WHOLE faith and strive to live by it WHOLELY.
[/quote]
and holily.