How Do You Find Out Someone's True Colors

[tinytherese]

[quote name='kafka' timestamp='1291780809' post='2191531']
[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7xjYeWOhbU&feature=related[/media]



I think you are idealizing or objectifying things a bit too much and this in the end is the one thing which will decieve you. Because you will be looking for something and that something might be fulfilled by another in appearance only or perhaps in your own fallen mind you might see something that isnt there.

Instead of looking for something look for someone. Find a person who is a diamond in the ruff with a heart of gold, like yourself and not necessarily a a 'true' 'qualified' 'gentlement' because you likely never find one (in accord with your model) or you might be decieved by someone who appears to be one.

And this second thing is what you are ripe for. Someone will appear to be something you are looking for and you will be decieved.
[/quote]

I know that there is that temptation to expect people to be perfect or to at least behave like we do (and I am no exception.) What frustrates me is for example when a man is CONSISTENTLY rude WITHOUT REMORSE. On the other hand if it were an isolated incident or something that occasionally happens where he later feels sorry for it, I would consider him to be a man striving to be charitable.

I try not to judge and I wonder if I do set my standards too high, but I hope that my definition of an authentic gentleman isn't too much. Then again considering how long I used to be discerning the religious life, where I would literally have the perfect man for a husband, I may take my past too far into consideration when evaluating men. I had a thought earlier that we should measure ourselves up against Christ in humility instead of say, "Well at least I'm not like so-and-so, who has plenty of spiritual issues." Then again, that can be taken to the extreme too, considering how far above Our Lord is compared to us. Hmm, somehow avoiding extremes is hard for me.


An Authentic Gentleman- genuine, chivalrous, strives to not be not arrogant or rude, not possessive, not the jealous type, not abusive, lovingly protective, faithful, willing to sacrifice out of love, confident, striving for purity of thought action and speech, cooperative, respectful, responsible, and trustworthy

[Semper Catholic]

[quote name='Socrates' timestamp='1291766864' post='2191506']
Chill, dude.

People can and do change, but they change only through their own sincere (and often difficult) efforts and God's grace, not by someone else making them change. It's not something we can count on in other people.

[/quote]

People change without even trying. Obviously not monumental changes but rarely is someone going to wake up 20 years later and be the same person they were 20 years before. Even if they didn't experience and defining moment.

People are a lot like Rock formations in that sense.

[Semper Catholic]

Also Therese maybe it's just because of your profile pic but I get the sense you're looking for something out of a Jane Austen novel

I agree that Mr. Darby is dreamy, but I've always perceived Jane Austen's romances as kind of hollow.

[MissScripture]

[quote name='CatherineM' timestamp='1291700764' post='2191375']
That's assuming that his mom is a normal mom. With my mother in law, the fact that he speaks to her, and hasn't knocked her off a bridge, says a lot about him.
[/quote]
The type of person the mother is DEFINITELY has to be taken into account. Not only because of the way he treats her, but chances are she had a good deal to do with raising him, so at least some aspects of his outlook on life will be colored by that.

[quote name='fides quarens intellectum' timestamp='1291701046' post='2191377']




What in the world is a "normal" mom, anyway?!
[/quote]
Well, there are varying degrees of not normal...I mean, for example my mother brings her own sponge when they come to visit, because I use dish cloths and she prefers a sponge. CatherineM's mother-in-law tries to report her to immigration...



[quote name='Semper Catholic' timestamp='1291817151' post='2191573']
People change without even trying. Obviously not monumental changes but rarely is someone going to wake up 20 years later and be the same person they were 20 years before. Even if they didn't experience and defining moment.

People are a lot like Rock formations in that sense.
[/quote]
Except you tend to change in the direction you were already headed, so if their headed one direction, and have no plan to change course, well, yeah, they'll change, but it won't be a great change unless they consciously try to change for the better.

[Donna]

It's frustrating reading this thread.

TT, I agree with what was said that friends, loved ones and so on whose true colors you do know...[i]listen to them[/i] re: any guy you may get serious about.

It's completely logical that you are concerned about being deceived. I personally would be careful about taking advice from those who haven't had direct
experience in having been deceived by someone very intelligent and cunning. I don't mean only the partner of someone deceptive/abusive -
there's usually a list of people around such a relationship, who have their own story of the shock and etc; of finding out about the deceiver.

[thessalonian]

I don't know if I will be much help with my input. Marriage shows the warts that weren't noticed during courtship. I think love is blind by God's design. God puts people together who would never get married if they really knew eachother and binds their relationship by a sacrament, without which many if not most would never stay together. He does this because we overcome our sins in such relationships and we learn to forgive. There are of course "charmed" marriages but they are not as common as we think and most marriages are filled with trial of some sort. So do the best you can to pick a good husband. Seek a virtuous man but don't expect him to be as perfect as you think he is and set your goal on helping him and your children get to heaven.

[Norseman82]

[quote name='CatherineM' timestamp='1291658419' post='2191240']
Purposely make him late to the start of a movie. [/quote]

In my experience, it is the people who do things like THIS that are emotionally abusive and are the ones we need to watch out for.

[Semper Catholic]

[quote name='Norseman82' timestamp='1291872526' post='2191709']
In my experience, it is the people who do things like THIS that are emotionally abusive and are the ones we need to watch out for.
[/quote]

Agreed, I think I'd rather suffer through Chinese water torture. And none of this "oh we can miss the trailers" deal either.

You shouldn't be testing your significant other. I don't leave a pile of dirty dishes up in the sink to see if she'll do them. Last time I did that she flushed the toilet when I was taking a shower.

[MithLuin]

I agree that purposely 'testing' someone isn't very kind. But I will maintain that if you are together long enough, such 'tests' will naturally arise. For instance, any guy taking me to a movie will likely be walking into the theater during the trailers. Not because I'm setting him up....but because that's how it happens. I've run through airports on multiple occasions. You get stuck in traffic, etc. If someone has a short fuse or a mean streak....it'll come out soon enough.

[homeschoolmom]

[quote name='MithLuin' timestamp='1291896267' post='2191725']
I agree that purposely 'testing' someone isn't very kind. But I will maintain that if you are together long enough, such 'tests' will naturally arise. For instance, any guy taking me to a movie will likely be walking into the theater during the trailers. Not because I'm setting him up....but because that's how it happens. I've run through airports on multiple occasions. You get stuck in traffic, etc. If someone has a short fuse or a mean streak....it'll come out soon enough.
[/quote]
this

[MithLuin]

I understand the temptation to test someone, though, especially if your suspicions have been raised.

It's like in [i]The Wedding Singer[/i] (the Adam Sandler movie with 80s music) where she asks him how he knew that his ex didn't really love him. And he said that, at the time, he didn't put it together, but looking back, he saw some signs. As a 'for instance,' he points out that they were flying out West, and he'd never seen the Grand Canyon before (she had)....but she didn't offer him the window seat so he could see it when they flew over. He said it was little things like that that should have clued him in. He didn't 'test' her, it just happened.

So, later in the movie, when she is flying to Vegas to elope with her fiance, and feeling a bit insecure (since eloping was his idea), she asks her fiance, 'Can we switch seats? I've never seen Vegas before, and I want to see it all lit up....'

Yes, she's blatantly testing him. But only because she's already nervous about his treatment of her.

He fails the test miserably, of course, saying that he doesn't want to sit on the aisle, because the drink cart always hits him in the elbow...and when she gets hit by it later, she catches on that maybe this guy is not interested in what is best for her. (He's also flirting with stewardesses and other blatant things, since this is a movie after all).

In other words, she uses the test to confirm her suspicions (or, if he had passed, to quiet her fears). But she didn't just set out to inflict random tests on some poor unsuspecting guy. I think girls who do that get dumped pretty quickly, and with good reason!

[Winchester]

torture

[CatherineM]

I wasn't suggesting to purposely run tests on your intended. I just meant those kinds of things are the kinds of things that can definitely bring out someone's unbetter side. I didn't have to do anything like that for my husband. All I had to do was kiss him. He thought I was a Russian spy trying to poison him with my chapstick.

Oh, and he hates it when I tell that story.

[Norseman82]

Aside from perhaps hiring a private investigator to run a background check, the only other things I might add would be:

1) How does he behave around alcohol?
2) Are children comfortable around him?
3) Get to know longtime friends of his.

[rachael]

ugh.

[tinytherese]

Dad is really good with little kids, except with most of his kids.

Dad was also much more considerate of mom than he was when they were engaged and now married. Now he refuses to cooperate most of the time. There's one thing he does which he claims is a favor for her, but she's told him multiple times that though she appreciates that he thinks of her, that this particular gesture actually doesn't help her, much makes what she is doing harder. He does it anyway though, disgusted that she doesn't appreciate his little act of kindness. How do you spot a man who is arrogant. Dad hid it for three years.

[tinytherese]

[quote name='rachael' timestamp='1291945952' post='2191870']
ugh.
[/quote]

[rachael]

[quote name='tinytherese' timestamp='1292080361' post='2192113']

[/quote]
not towards you.

[Lilllabettt]

the fact is, all vocations involve risk, and marriage is no different.

Anybody who decides to marry you cannot be certain that 15 years down the road you will not turn into some kind of monster. Nobody can have that certainty about themselves let alone somebody else. That's life. The world, the flesh and the devil are always gaming for us.

[Socrates]

[quote name='Semper Catholic' timestamp='1291817151' post='2191573']
People change without even trying. Obviously not monumental changes but rarely is someone going to wake up 20 years later and be the same person they were 20 years before. Even if they didn't experience and defining moment.

People are a lot like Rock formations in that sense.
[/quote]
I think the basic idea is that a girl shouldn't marry someone who's an abusive alcoholic jerk who cheats on her behind her back, expecting once they're married she'll be able to transform him into a sweet wonderful guy (to use a somewhat extreme example).

What risk to herself (and future kids) is she willing to take while her sweet love works it's glacial, rock-carving magic?


Small flaws are another matter, though. Those girls looking for flawless men wonder why they end up old maids.