Starets Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 There are three things that God does not know. What the Dominicans are thinking, what the Jesuits are up to and how many kinds of Franciscans there are
Starets Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 We had a break-in in our monastery recently. As the robber entered the Guest Lobby, he heard a voice saying "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Jesus is watching you." He shined his flashlight around and didnt see anything. So he continued. As he entered the REfectory, he heard a voice say "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Jesus is watching you!" He shined his flashlight around and saw a parrot. The robber said "did you say that?" The parrot said "yes I did!" The robber said "well, what is your name?" The parrot said "my name is Moses". The robber said "[font="Arial Black"]What kind of a moron names a parrot Moses?"[/font][font="Arial"] And the Parrot says "[/font][font="Book Antiqua"]Same kind of moron that names a Rottweiler Jesus![/font][font="Arial"]"[/font]
vee Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out. The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat. The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers. The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness. The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge. The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing. The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.
Ed Normile Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Catholic jokes, lets see, Nancy Pelosi, and JFK, two of the biggest catholic jokes I know. ed
BigJon16 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 [quote name='Staretz' timestamp='1299030551' post='2216974'] There are three things that God does not know. What the Dominicans are thinking, what the Jesuits are up to and how many kinds of Franciscans there are [/quote] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! !!!! This one is my favorite!
Nihil Obstat Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 [quote name='Ed Normile' timestamp='1299041223' post='2217038'] Catholic jokes, lets see, Nancy Pelosi, and JFK, two of the biggest catholic jokes I know. ed [/quote] [img]http://i682.photobucket.com/albums/vv189/Nihil_Obstat/539d9f24c861__1279483230000.jpg[/img]
Luigi Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) I used to sort dirty laundry in a hospital run by Sisters of Mercy. The boss was kind of a slug, and he told the same joke every afternoon, at about 2:30, changing only the name: "I was talking to Sr. Mary XXXXX this morning - I asked her if she had any dirt habits!" We all laughed dutifully, as one must when the slug boss tells a joke. Edited March 2, 2011 by Luigi
Not A Mallard Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God....!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Catholic now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Catholic?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw.....brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Bless us, o Lord, and these, thy gifts..."
Lisa Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 (edited) [quote name='Not A Mallard' timestamp='1299102620' post='2217260'] And then the bear dropped his right paw.....brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Bless us, o Lord, and these, thy gifts..." [/quote] Made my day! Thanks for sharing!!!! [font="Arial"]JESUS VS SATAN Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God [the Father] was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."[/font] Edited March 3, 2011 by Lisa
AudreyGrace Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 [quote name='BigJon16' timestamp='1299041369' post='2217040'] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! !!!! This one is my favorite! [/quote] agreed. i might have to steal it as a fb status... yup.[quote name='vee8' timestamp='1299031240' post='2216981'] During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out. The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat. The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers. The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness. The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge. The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing. The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse. [/quote] I like this
Vincent Vega Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 [quote name='Ed Normile' timestamp='1299041223' post='2217038'] Catholic jokes, lets see, Nancy Pelosi, and JFK, two of the biggest catholic jokes I know. ed [/quote] Dang, beat me to it...
Lisa Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 [font="News Gothic MT"][size="3"]A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' [/size][/font] [size="3"] The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. [/size] [size="3"] After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. [/size] [size="3"] The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ ~ ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.' [/size] [size="3"]To which his father replied 'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?' [/size]
MargaretTeresa Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 [url="http://www.fisheaters.com/jokes.html"]http://www.fisheaters.com/jokes.html[/url] Just check these out. I totes Pax and God bless
MargaretTeresa Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I just had to post this one...made me laugh and think too true! [font=arial, helvetica, verdana, sans-serif][size=2]There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.[/size][/font] [font=arial, helvetica, verdana, sans-serif][size=2] [/size][/font] [font=arial, helvetica, verdana, sans-serif][size=2] [/size][/font] [font=arial, helvetica, verdana, sans-serif][size=2]Pax and God bless[/size][/font]
MargaretTeresa Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 One More!!! [font=Arial, helvetica, sans-serif][size=4][img]http://jokes.edigg.com/images/letters/t.gif[/img]he Seven Dwarfs go to visit the Pope. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?". "No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not". "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?" Dopey questions. "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." "Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." In the background, the six remaining dwarves softly began to chant: "Dopey's in love with a penguin, Dopey's in love with a penguin..."[/size][/font]
Not A Mallard Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession. He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic." The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!" "But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed." The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives." The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?" -------------------------------- An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" those were my favorite ones
Lil'Monster Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 [quote name='MargaretTeresa' timestamp='1301602585' post='2225132'] I just had to post this one...made me laugh and think too true! [font="arial, helvetica, verdana, sans-serif"][size="2"]There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.[/size][/font] [font="arial, helvetica, verdana, sans-serif"][size="2"] [/size][/font] [font="arial, helvetica, verdana, sans-serif"][size="2"] [/size][/font] [font="arial, helvetica, verdana, sans-serif"][size="2"]Pax and God bless[/size][/font] [/quote]
MargaretTeresa Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) God bless the Baptists...(if you're in the South and get it, ) Edited April 1, 2011 by MargaretTeresa
Lil'Monster Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 [quote name='MargaretTeresa' timestamp='1301619974' post='2225189'] God bless the Baptists...(if you're in the South and get it, ) [/quote] im not from the south and i still get the joke! lol
add Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 One Sunday morning da priest noticed a little boy standing out da foyer oven da church staring at a large plaque. da priest walked up Andy stood beside him Andy gazing up at da plaque, she said quietly, "Good Morning, son." "Good Morning, Father," replied da young man not taking his eyes off da plaque. " Father, what isn't this?" "Well son, these aren't all da people who have died out da service," replied da priest. Soberly, they stood together staring up at da large plaque. da little boy's voice barely broke da silence when she asked quietly, "Which service Father, da 8:15, da 10:30 or da 12:15?"
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