Leaving Mentally Ill Loved Ones Behind.

[emi77]

Hey everyone.

So I know that we already have a thread on Mental health and religious life, but I didn't want to crash that topic with such a tenuous link. I have recently noticed that a massive wall in my discernment/prayer is that I currently feel unable to give everything to the Lord and really connect with him because of my very complicated set of family problems.

In a very small nutshell, both my parents are non-practising Christians who are both disabled. My Dad has severe physical and mental problems and the stress and strain of looking after my dad, two kids and my elderly relatives has left my Mum with tackling mental disability too. In my Mum particularly, I can see how much just myself and my brother being at university affected her (both mentally and physically) and I suppose the guilt of leaving them, and possibily all their care up to my brother when they're older, is really playing on my mind. I know that I should be able to trust God to care for them, but I'm so afraid that my leaving will be another bad catalyst in what has been a seriously 'unlucky' 11 years for our family.

I know that my parents, even if they do not agree with my choices/God's will, will support me in any of my endeavours as they are both truly selfless, loving individuals. I also know that as I am only really just beginning my discernment (having only reverted back to the church a year ago, and not yet confirmed) that I have a long way to go (two years of my theology degree left for starters!). However if I cannot give a full complete yes to God in a simple act of daily prayer, how can I expect that I can do so for a decision that will affect the very course my life will take? I cannot do so with the false belief that all will be OK with my family as I know that there is a very real possibility that they will not be able to cope. I guess I am wondering whether anyone else is in this situation, or similar ones and how you coped/ are coping.

Faith without proof 'in advance' has always been my stumbling block with God. I believe it comes from my pride. The Lord has blessed me so much and still I cannot give my all to him as him as he has given it to me. PAX.

[Sister Marie]

I think you are already giving God a full and complete yes in your daily prayer by your acceptance of and help with your family's medical situations. It may not be the yes you wanted to give, or what you expected to be a "complete yes" but the yes is to God's grace in your daily lived situation and you are already doing that by responding to the grace to love and will good toward your family both now and in the future.

I don't think that you don't have faith... I think you are realistic and practical in realizing the hardships that are very possible in your family's future. Just because we say "yes" to God doesn't mean that everything is cleaned up, all the loose ends tied, and all our "t"s crossed... it is a yes to messiness and uncertainty with God. You want to trust that God will care for them... well...God's way of caring for them may be through you!

Your circumstances may change in the next few years before you are able to answer a call to the religious life but not all communities work the same way. If you are thinking of becoming a cloistered nun it would make a lot of sense to worry about how they will be taken care of because of the lack of contact you would have. Not all communities live religious life in the same way and there is a different degree of separation from family in each one. Right now I live with a Sister who has a severely disabled brother and two very ill parents. She is able to go home and care for them while still fulfilling her obligations to community, prayer, and apostolate. She is an inspiration to me because it is a lot of physically and emotionally taxing work. She is exhausted but she loves so much that she gives everything she has in all of those areas. I think often that although I'm more free from family obligations, she is the one really saying "yes" to God because He has given her a lot of responsibility for being Him to others. She may wish that she could say "Yes" to go to some foreign land, but God hasn't asked that from her. He has asked her to do what she is doing now and her faithfulness in that is much more important.

I think you are on the right track! Be gentle with yourself.

[MithLuin]

I think that is a very fair and legitimate concern. The reality of caring for one's parents is always something to consider before entering religious life. I know that traditional Poor Clares don't even allow the women to go home when their parents die, so they know when they enter that they will not be able to help with end of life care or even the funerals. This can be a very difficult proposition to struggle with!

In your case, you are at the beginning of discernment, so certainly don't 'let go' of that concern, but realize that in the next few years, you may gain some clarity about what your own family obligations are. You can talk it over with your brother, so you will know where he stands and how he feels about it.

Your situation need not be an impediment to following your vocation...but it might be something that keeps you from entering right away. Just keep praying over it and talking over it with your family...and hopefully you'll gain some clarity...eventually.

[CatherineM]

I took in a friend after she became disabled from a job injury, got divorced due to her husband moving in with her best friend while she was in the hospital, had a mental break down and was homeless after getting kicked out of a group home. She had a 6 month old and a 3 year old. They were headed to foster care, and I just couldn't let that happen, so I took them all in. She spent the next 15 years in and out of hospitals, on and off the wagon from alcohol and prescription drugs. About the only drugs she didn't like were her psychiatric drugs. She also had two neck, one hip, one shoulder, and one knee surgery. As her oldest got close to graduating from high school, I talked very frankly to him. When he turned 18, he would become his mom's official next of kin, and he'd start getting those phone calls from hospitals and police instead of me. I told him to get out, to get as far away as he could, and make the best life for himself that he could. He left for the Navy while only 17.

Kids aren't supposed to be responsible for their parents, it is supposed to be the other way around. That stuff about honoring your father and mother assumes that they are "honorable" meaning entitled or worthy of that honor. My foster son's mom really wasn't, so it made it an easier decision for him. It doesn't sound like your parents are quite the same, so it does make your decision harder. St. Francis and St. Clare both turned their backs on their parents to follow God's will. You will have to do some serious work with a spiritual director in order to discern what that might be for you. You may want to investigate 3rd orders or even consecrated virginity which are things that those responsible for dependents can follow.

[TheresaThoma]

Be patient and gentle with yourself. It sounds like you have some time to sort through all of this. Remember things will change over time, I personally couldn't have imagined just a year ago I would be where I am today. Finally never forget that God will not ask the impossible of us. Prayers for you!

[Aya Sophia]

emi77, echoing much of what was said above. God is not asking you to make any big changes now so you can have a completely clear conscience in laying aside the anticipatory grief you feel at the idea (not the reality because it isn't real now) of leaving your parents. When your mind wanders (and your emotions too, as these always accompany such thoughts) into an unknown future, gently call it back to the here and now, to reality, to God who holds you and your parents in his merciful love. It may also help to remember that He knows and loves your parents infinitely more than you do or ever can. He has intimate concern and care for them.

I empathise with you very deeply in your situation. For years during my attempts at discernment my beloved "widowed, cancerous old mother" (her own phrase!) accompanied me in my thoughts and emotions everywhere I went. Once, catching a flight out of La Guardia (NYC) to visit a community out west, I saw Fr. Benedict Groeschel sitting alone, waiting for a flight (this was before his accident, which tells you how long ago this was!). I approached him and asked if I could talk to him. He welcomed me and I sat down and I began to share with him my vocational background and details of my current circumstances. Although I realized he didn’t know me from Adam I still wanted his “take” on my situation. His response, after sitting and listening quietly to me, was that it seemed it was God’s will that I take care of my mother. !

I spent many more years loving and supporting my mother, saying no more about the monastery but never understanding why there was this thing in my heart that seemed to come from the Lord but that also seemed would never be brought to fruition. My mother was aging but strong – she would easily live on another 10 or 15 years by which time I would be too old to enter anywhere. Then, suddenly, quite out of the blue, she was diagnosed with fourth stage inoperable lung cancer. Beloved mama! She went to God less than six months later. I had the gift, the grace, the grief of accompanying her in her last journey. Then, a year or so after her death, the inscape began to shift and, after more than a decade of being unable to respond to the call, I found myself truly, earnestly, profoundly discerning again.

All of this to share with you, to express my empathy and to reiterate what was said above – that we have no idea what the future holds or how things will unfold. At all times, we need to nurture a simple and profound trust in the Lord. “My past, O Lord, to your mercy, my present to Your Love, my future to Your Providence.” (St. Pio)

You have a very great blessing in your parents’ generous disposition toward your vocation. You have their “permission” – now it seems you are seeking your own. This will come over time, if you truly seek God’s will. Very important, as CatherineM said, to have a spiritual director. Might also help to get some counseling (psychotherapy) along the way. Either or both, as you need substantial support in your journey toward personal freedom (which is at the core of your journey to God).

Edited September 24, 2011 by Aya Sophia

[faithcecelia]

Just making a quick post - I will have a lot to write later, but in a hurry now.

[AccountDeleted]

For each person, this is an indivudal decision, not one that can be applied across the board, but sometimes it helps to know that others support the decision you make (which is your own decision).

I think catherinem has a lot of common sense (not to mention personal experience) and recommend you rad her post several times. I have dealt with mental illness in others most of my life, but each choice I made had to be done with respect to the person, time, place and situation. It certainly helps if you have outside help and counsel (like a priest or mental health professional) but in the end, you have to live with your decision - be kind to yourself.

[emi77]

Thank you everyone for you wonderful replies. I am so thankful that I can come here to share thoughts, feelings and worries, and recieve such sound and helpful advice from other Catholics.

[url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?app=forums&module=forums&section=findpost&pid=2309035"][img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_images/phatmass/snapback.png[/img][/url]Sister Marie, on 23 September 2011 - 11:54 PM, said:

I don't think that you don't have faith... I think you are realistic and practical in realizing the hardships that are very possible in your family's future. Just because we say "yes" to God doesn't mean that everything is cleaned up, all the loose ends tied, and all our "t"s crossed... it is a yes to messiness and uncertainty with God. You want to trust that God will care for them... well...God's way of caring for them may be through you!


Thank you for this, Sister Marie. I needed to hear this part about how saying 'yes' doesn't mean everything gets sorted straight away. I realised that I need to trust that God's will, will be done, and that whatever it is, it will be perfect.
I know that I still fear it though.
It is a wrong train of thought, but my family have almost resigned ourselves to our calamities and my parent's faith has taken a full blown hit because of it. I know they see it as God's punishment for something they have done and I guess my fear is that, whilst they might support my decision through their love for me, they might still view it as just another thing God is taking away from them. I fear that by making this decision to do God's will, I will put in motion a train of events that will cause more pain for my family.
However I guess I never thought about how things could turn out for the better, and that my vocation could in fact help rather than harm my family. It gives me hope too that orders (some at least) are/can be flexible about these things.

[url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?app=forums&module=forums&section=findpost&pid=2309082"][img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_images/phatmass/snapback.png[/img][/url]CatherineM, on 24 September 2011 - 01:47 AM, said:

Kids aren't supposed to be responsible for their parents, it is supposed to be the other way around. That stuff about honoring your father and mother assumes that they are "honorable" meaning entitled or worthy of that honor. My foster son's mom really wasn't, so it made it an easier decision for him. It doesn't sound like your parents are quite the same, so it does make your decision harder. St. Francis and St. Clare both turned their backs on their parents to follow God's will. You will have to do some serious work with a spiritual director in order to discern what that might be for you. You may want to investigate 3rd orders or even consecrated virginity which are things that those responsible for dependents can follow.


Thank you very much for sharing your story. I definately will keep open to both consecrated virginity, 3rd orders, married life as well as religious life in my disccernment. I hope to find a spiritual director at some point this year too.
You are correct that my situation is slightly different but here are similarities and helpful point in your story. Whilst I feel obliged to care for my parents to repay their care and sacrifices for me, I know that this may not be truly hounouring their desire that I do what I feel I must in my life, or God's desire that I do his will. There is so much I need to think about within this.

[url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?app=forums&module=forums&section=findpost&pid=2309124"][img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_images/phatmass/snapback.png[/img][/url]Aya Sophia, on 24 September 2011 - 03:28 AM, said:

emi77, echoing much of what was said above. God is not asking you to make any big changes now so you can have a completely clear conscience in laying aside the anticipatory grief you feel at the idea (not the reality because it isn't real now) of leaving your parents. When your mind wanders (and your emotions too, as these always accompany such thoughts) into an unknown future, gently call it back to the here and now, to reality, to God who holds you and your parents in his merciful love. It may also help to remember that He knows and loves your parents infinitely more than you do or ever can. He has intimate concern and care for them.
----
All of this to share with you, to express my empathy and to reiterate what was said above – that we have no idea what the future holds or how things will unfold. At all times, we need to nurture a simple and profound trust in the Lord. “My past, O Lord, to your mercy, my present to Your Love, my future to Your Providence.” (St. Pio)

You have a very great blessing in your parents’ generous disposition toward your vocation. You have their “permission” – now it seems you are seeking your own. This will come over time, if you truly seek God’s will. Very important, as CatherineM said, to have a spiritual director. Might also help to get some counseling (psychotherapy) along the way. Either or both, as you need substantial support in your journey toward personal freedom (which is at the core of your journey to God).


Thank you for sharing your personal story too. You must have had great faith to so completly trust your life to God. I have much envy that you got to meet Father Benedict Groeschel too!
Your first paragraph touched me deeply. I think I am almost scared of God's complete Love, and of giving mine to him. Perhaps this is my stumbling block. I never thought that I would struggle to 'love much' as St Teresa said, but it appears that it is harder than it sounds.

Whilst my parents do not explicitly know about my vocation yet, they have always told me they would support any of my decisions in life. I plan to tell them of my reversion this Christmas, as I hate to keep them from any part of my life, as we are usually very honest and open with each other about everything. I know that this decision will shock them and perhaps even anger them for a while. But I know that they will accept it and support me, like they always do. I am truly blessed with their love.
But you are right that I am almost seeking my own permission. But I do not know still if I have given/can give it. Perhaps I am only decieving myself about seekig His will and I am really only using it as a mask for my own decisions. Pride again.
I have been asked my my tutor to see the university counselors, if only as a precaution for this last year's events. I guess I have not gone because of my pride in my own self-knowledge. I am definately reconsidering going now though, as I realise I have not been as honest with myself as I should have. I know it is not a failing to get help. Now I must 'walk that talk,' so to speak. Funny how such advise is so much easier to preach than to follow...
PAX

[emi77]

Oh I don't think I did that quote thing correctly. Sorry everyone for the confusing post now. I can't seem to edit it to make the original posts come up as shaded :S PAX

[Aya Sophia]

You said: "I think I am almost scared of God's complete Love, and of giving mine to him. Perhaps this is my stumbling block. I never thought that I would struggle to 'love much' as St Teresa said, but it appears that it is harder than it sounds"

I spent years in approach-avoidance with the Lord - I was scared out of my wits to give myself over to Him. Is it possible that part of your fear of "God's complete love" has its source in your parents' image of God? We have our spiritual heritage from our parents and if our parents' God is more an exacting dispenser of justice then a loving Father, then so will our God be for us. And who wants to get warm and friendly with - much less hand over one's entire being - to a great dispenser of penalties?!

Seems that "mercy" is the word here - seems you are becoming a channel of God's mercy for your parents, regardless of where your path leads, whether into religious life, marriage or another form of life. God is giving you to taste of His mercy in the depths of your own heart - that experience, if you continue to be faithful to the Spirit's promptings, will only grow and then you will, perhaps mysteriously and even invisibly to yourself, become a conduit of His merciful love to your parents. I pray: may the love God has for them become known to them in their hearts so that they can begin to be healed and to taste the joy God intends for them. And I ask the Holy Spirit to continue to teach you discerment in your heart, in your thoughts, in the motions of your will so that you will continue surely along the path He is unfolding before you.

[EWIE]

"We have our spiritual heritage from our parents and if our parents' God is more an exacting dispenser of justice then a loving Father, then so will our God be for us."

I have to take issue with this statement. It is possible but not a blanket reality. God reveals Himself to each one personally. My parents for instance had no faith at all, and when reading even the lives of the Saints, some had parents who had no belief in God at all.

[CatherineM]

I also wanted to add that life has a way of making decisions for us sometimes. Had my foster son sacrificed his life for his mom, he would be rudderless right now, because she died two years ago.

[Aya Sophia]

Re: "spiritual inheritance" - parents pass on to their children. among other elements of personal formation, their "take" on God, whether this be atheist or agnostic or believing, whether they even mean to or not. This is what I meant by our "spiritual inheritence" from our parents. As a child grows and matures - with grace intervening in his life, as God wills - he comes to himself and to his own "take" on God. He may leave behind or ultimately reject what his parents gave him in the matter of faith, in whole or in part, but what they gave him still remains, historically, his "spiritual inheritence" from them. Hope this clarifies . . . . (if not . . . dunno what further to say. I write very slowly and painstakingly and still I doubt I ever actually communicate in writing what I really mean! )

Edited September 24, 2011 by Aya Sophia

[EWIE]

[color=#800000][size=4][b]Sophia. Pray for me when you enter Carmel.[/b][/size][/color]
[color=#800000][size=4][b]Thank you.[/b][/size][/color]