The Sin Of Being Single?

[MarysLittleFlower]

I read a quote by a Saint (I'm sorry I forget which one!) about women in hell who are there because they did not have the children they were meant to have. I took this as referring to abortion and contraception, which makes sense in light of Church teaching against these things. However, - then I started thinking, - what if a woman was meant to marry, ie that is her vocation, but she didn't marry for some reason.. either she thought she's not called to that, or never met anyone, etc, and so she never had children. The Church would not say that she is sinning would it? I'm trying to understand that quote. It made me feel a little uneasy because I'm single and am not really looking to marry at the moment and I'm in my mid 20s. However if it's talking about contraception and abortion then it's different.

Any thoughts?

[Strictlyinkblot]

I don't think that to remain single is a sin, how could it be? God calls us to a state in life but we have free will to accept or reject. I've been single most of my life until I finally figured out what God wanted for me (at least I think I have). Even if God planted the man you're meant to marry in front of you and you reject him I don't think its a sin as such.

However to be single and unchaste is a different thing altogether as is using contraception and abortion.

[beatitude]

Marigold recently posted a wonderful thing about something a nun in her future community told her. I don't remember the exact words, but it's something about no vocation being a mistake if you are prepared to put your whole heart and might into it. "It doesn't matter now, because I'm all His."

That was illuminating to me, as I used to fret so much about choosing the 'wrong' thing and ruining my life because of it. I was underestimating God's gift of freedom. Reading that, a weight was lifted.

Take the opportunities for loving God that you have in this precise moment, and they will carry you into what you ought to do in the future.

Also, remember that not everything a saint writes is automatically correct. Saints are people who reached Heaven. They tried their hardest on earth - but that doesn't mean they knew everything. Omniscience is not one of the criteria for sainthood.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

I definitely do not think that just being single is a sin. For some people, it's even their vocation. I don't think that being single is a sin if you truly had no idea what your vocation was and you are chaste and all that. I do think there could be some fault to put on someone if they don't care about discerning vocation and they avoided it, but that is all together something else.

[homeschoolmom]

I think we want to be careful taking that quote too far (beyond the sins of abortion and contraception). What if a woman married the "wrong" man and didn't have the children she was "supposed to" have? Or she told her husband "no" when she "should have" said yes (thus a child was not conceived)? God gives us the children we are supposed to have in the circumstances of the lives we are living. They are a blessing, but we should not get hung-up worrying about the ones we were "meant" to have.

[AccountDeleted]

Either we have free will or we don't. What would be the point of offering people free will and then telling them that if they don't do something in particular, they are committing a sin? If we don't offer ourselves to God through love, freely and wholeheartedly, then what kind of a vocation would that be?

Vocation means 'calling', not obligation or duty. It is an invitation, not a command. And hsm says it well for those who get married.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' timestamp='1321230680' post='2335853']
I think we want to be careful taking that quote too far (beyond the sins of abortion and contraception). What if a woman married the "wrong" man and didn't have the children she was "supposed to" have? Or she told her husband "no" when she "should have" said yes (thus a child was not conceived)? God gives us the children we are supposed to have in the circumstances of the lives we are living. They are a blessing, but we should not get hung worrying about the ones we were meant to have.
[/quote]
I love what you said here. I sometimes wonder if God had planned out those people's kids who married the wrong person or whatever, and this tells me that God gives us "the children we are supposed to have in the circumstances of the lives we are living". I really like this.

[MarysLittleFlower]

thank you for the replies! that helps

[InPersonaChriste]

I do not think it is a sin, and I also think that this thinking can drive you a little crazy. No vocation is a life-sentence, we all have free will. Though sometimes I wish that God would be a little more blunt in his persuasion, I would never want it any other way. We do have to remember that being single is a vocation as well, and I know so many happy vibrant Catholic single people.

[Cherie]

[quote name='MarysLittleFlower' timestamp='1321224151' post='2335820']
I read a quote by a Saint (I'm sorry I forget which one!) about women in hell who are there because they did not have the children they were meant to have. I took this as referring to abortion and contraception, which makes sense in light of Church teaching against these things. However, - then I started thinking, - what if a woman was meant to marry, ie that is her vocation, but she didn't marry for some reason.. either she thought she's not called to that, or never met anyone, etc, and so she never had children. The Church would not say that she is sinning would it? I'm trying to understand that quote. It made me feel a little uneasy because I'm single and am not really looking to marry at the moment and I'm in my mid 20s. However if it's talking about contraception and abortion then it's different.

Any thoughts?
[/quote]

That was St. John Vianney, and he was saying that to comfort a woman who was exasperated because she was pregnant again, but had so many other children to take care of and didn't know how she could possibly do it again. Some use it as an illustration that married couples [i]really[/i] have an obligation to prayerfully discern whether or not they are being open to life.

But yes, knowing the circumstances under which the quote was said puts it into context. So no, being single is certainly not a sin. Even if you were somehow "supposed" to be married or a religious, nothing happens without the will of God. Sometimes it's permissive will vs. ordained will ... but in any case, He knows what will happen to us, what we will choose, and by His grace, can (and does!) bring good out of any situation. Romans 8:28!

[marigold]

Others have answered so well; thank you guys for explaining what I wanted to say when I read MLF's query.

beatitude, yes, it was a huge relief to me too when Mother said what she did. One of the pitfalls of talking in terms of 'vocations' is that we easily start to think it's something we HAVE to do.

[MarysLittleFlower]

that helps, thanks everyone!! I also don't want my vocation to be motivated by fear rather than love for God.

[Totus Tuus]

Most Catholics recognize that there are three vocations sanctioned by God: 1. a holy single life 2. a religious life 3. married life. I strongly agree with this. The fact of the matter is, as explained to me years ago by my spiritual director, that if you choose one of these three options, you canNOT be sinning in any way, because to choose one good over another good is still good-- EVEN if you don't know if it's the right choice. Choosing a vocation requires a leap of faith, and for 99% of the population, God is not going to come to you incarnate and say, "this is what I want you to do with your life"! He respects our freedom so much that he would never do that. I have heard it argued (i.e., by people in my own family) that the single life is not a vocation, but just a state that people end up in when they don't follow their vocation to religious or married life. I think this is a huge misunderstanding, though, and that a holy single life is most definitely a vocation sanctioned by God. Otherwise we would have to de-canonize a lot of very holy people who did not get married OR become religious/priests! For example, St. Casimir of Poland! [url="http://saints.sqpn.com/saint-casimir-of-poland/"]http://saints.sqpn.com/saint-casimir-of-poland/[/url]

Edited November 19, 2011 by Totus Tuus

[marigold]

Possibly relevant comments on singledom<>vocation I just [url="http://anglocath.blogspot.com/2011/11/what-do-you-want-to-be-doing-when-you.html?showComment=1321716803379#c6268392048531372043"]came across[/url]:

[i]"I [i]am not sure what usually passes for contemporary talk about "vocation" is really all that helpful. It's too much like career-planning, as in the "post-secondary e[/i]ducation, employment, military" choices that greet the American high school student upon graduation.

Once upon a time, we didn't talk about marriage being a "vocation" either. For over a millennium vocation was simply being called out of the state of single-life-hoping-for-marriage to priesthood and/or religious life.

It is hard to talk about "failed vocation" in the abstract. Unless someone correctly believes herself to be called to marriage (if we call that a vocation) to a concrete person, or to a concrete religious life, then she can't be said to have failed in it if she doesn't take it up. God is free to call or not call as He lists. He's not a tame lion.

In some cases, the sin of others--not herself--is the reason why someone does not take up the vocation she correctly felt called to: her fiance is murdered or killed in battle, or a repressive regime scatters her religious community.

I think the Church--especially the young and unmarried--need to break free of the Priest/Religious/Married/Single vocation straitjacket and concentrate on what God is calling them specifically to do, using state-of-life as more of a background than as the goal itself. Because the new "Marriage and Single Life are also Calls" theology is on shaky ground, the idea that Single Life is a "Call" equal to the Priesthood doesn't provide much comfort to a lonely Single person.

Jean Vanier feels called to spend the rest of his life in community with disabled adults and their carers. As a man who is neither married nor a priest nor a male religious, he is completely free to do that.

All kinds of Christian men and women have followed a Christian calling without getting married, being ordained or taking vows as religious. Before Vatican II, they didn't think about whether being Single (or married) was a "call" or not; they just got on with what they felt God was calling them to DO.

Dorothy Day was divorced, but nobody thinks in terms of her "failed vocation", but only in terms of her response to the poor and pacifism. And people often think Catherine of Siena was a nun, but she wasn't. Nor was Julian of Norwich. Cardinal Consalvi had a long church career without ever being ordained to the priesthood. Hardly anyone remembers that Franz Liszt was in minor orders. [/i]

[i]Blessed Fra Angelico is not famous for his prayers but for his paintings. In a hundred years no-one will remember if Hilary White was married or not, but they might enjoy looking at one of her paintings and feeling closer to God because of it."[/i]

[BarbTherese]

The vocation to the single celibate state for the sake of The Kingdom can be hotly debated sometimes; however as already indicated, the single celibate vocation and call from God has a long history in The Church and is certainly not a new innovation flowing from Vatican2 as I have known some to protest. Here is what Pope John Paul II post V2 had to say:


[quote]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#663300]POST-SYNODAL[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#663300] APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#663300] [b][i]VITA CONSECRATA [/i][/b][/color][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#663300] OF THE HOLY FATHER[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#663300] JOHN PAUL II[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#663300] TO THE BISHOPS AND CLERGY[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#663300] RELIGIOUS ORDERS AND CONGREGATIONS[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#663300] SOCIETIES OF APOSTOLIC LIFE[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#663300] SECULAR INSTITUTES[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#663300] AND ALL THE FAITHFUL[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#663300] ON THE CONSECRATED LIFE AND ITS MISSION[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#663300] IN THE CHURCH AND IN THE WORLD[/color] [/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][url="http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/apost_exhortations/documents/hf_jp-ii_exh_25031996_vita-consecrata_en.html"]http://www.vatican.v...secrata_en.html[/url][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][b][i]Thanksgiving for the consecrated life[/i][/b][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3]2. Because the role of consecrated life in the Church is so important, I decided to convene a Synod in order to examine in depth its significance and its future prospects, especially in view of the approaching new millennium. It was my wish that the Synodal Assembly should include, together with the Bishops, a considerable number of consecrated men and women, in order that they too might contribute to the common reflection.[/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3]We are all aware of the treasure which the gift of the consecrated life in the variety of its charisms and institutions represents for the ecclesial community. [i]Together let us thank God [/i]for the Religious Orders and Institutes devoted to contemplation or the works of the apostolate, for Societies of Apostolic Life, for Secular Institutes and for other groups of consecrated persons, [/size][/font]

[quote]
[b][font=Times New Roman][size=3]as well as for all those individuals who, in their inmost hearts, dedicate themselves to God by a special consecration.[/size][/font][/b][/quote][/quote]


And for a Papal Document pre V2 from Pius XII:

[quote]
[url="http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/pius_xii/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xii_enc_25031954_sacra-virginitas_en.html"]http://www.vatican.v...ginitas_en.html[/url][center][color=#663300][b][i]SACRA VIRGINITAS[/i][/b] [/color][/center][center][color=#663300]ENCYCLICAL OF POPE PIUS XII[/color][/center]


[color=#663300]ON CONSECRATED VIRGINITY[/color]
[color=#663300]TO OUR VENERABLE BROTHERS, THE PATRIARCHS, PRIMATES,[/color]
[color=#663300]ARCHBISHOPS, BISHOPS, AND OTHER LOCAL ORDINARIES[/color]
[color=#663300]IN PEACE AND COMMUNION WITH THE APOSTOLIC SEE [/color][left]5. Innumerable is the multitude of those who from the beginning of the Church until our time have offered their chastity to God. Some have preserved their virginity unspoiled, others after the death of their spouse, have consecrated to God their remaining years in the unmarried state, and still others, after repenting their sins, have chosen to lead a life of perfect chastity; all of them at one in this common oblation, that is, for love of God to abstain for the rest of their lives from sexual pleasure. May then what the Fathers of the Church preached about the glory and merit of virginity be an invitation, a help, and a source of strength to those who have made the sacrifice to persevere with constancy, and not take back or claim for themselves even the smallest part of the holocaust they have laid on the altar of God.[/left][left]6. And while this perfect chastity is the subject of one of the three vows which constitute the religious state,[9] and is also required by the Latin Church of clerics in major orders[10] and demanded from members of Secular Institutes[b],[/b][/left]



[quote][b]11] it also flourishes among many who are lay people in the full sense: men and women who are not constituted in a public state of perfection and yet by private promise or vow completely abstain from marriage and sexual pleasures, in order to serve their neighbor more freely and to be united with God more easily and more closely. [/b][/quote][left]7. To all of these beloved sons and daughters who in any way have consecrated their bodies and souls to God, We address Ourselves, and exhort them earnestly to strengthen their holy resolution and be faithful to it.[/left]



[/quote]

The vocation to the single celibate state is very often a very hidden vocation indeed. There is not the esteem of the habit or some identifying brooche to account for one's perspectives and manner of life, nor the spiritual support of community etc. There is no special celebration most often to mark the spiritual milestones of one's journey as in religious life.- the unique crosses of the religious life are often not present either.

The lives of Our Lady and St. Joseph, reflected by St. Therese of Lisieux, are perhaps the special patrons of the single celibate vocation - a call often to live a most ordinary everyday life in a hidden, but extra-ordinary manner.

In the single celibate state one can be held as rather eccentric by many in the general community for the way one lives and one's perspectives rooted in The Gospel and a standing for the Gospel in the most unlikely of places and with unlikely people at times. In fact, very often the call and vocation to the single state can be a call and vocation to bring The Gospel to the most unlikely of people and places. The single celibate state can have its own unique crosses and its own unique blessings too. Very much as the priesthood and married life has their own unique crosses and blessings. There is no Christ without His Cross embraced(no matter to what God calls an individual in vocation) from which flows the Joy and Peace of The Resurrection gifted and in abundant measure "one hundredfold".

Edited November 20, 2011 by BarbaraTherese