How Should Those Discerning, Feel About Marriage?

[HopefulBride]

[quote name='MarysLittleFlower' timestamp='1325270008' post='2360043']
Thank you for all the replies! This whole topic has caused confusion/doubt for me. I don't have any problem with children.. I have a teaching degree lol. I also love the idea of being a mother. I don't have a fear of commitment either. It's the part about giving your heart to a spouse (other than Jesus). I'll just speak plainly, I want to belong fully to Him, but it seems like for me, I won't be fully His if I were married. I think if someone is called to marriage, they wouldn't have this problem, they would be able to be married yet be close to Jesus at the same time. It causes me worry when I don't feel drawn to marriage because I wonder if that's a red flag, and if I should feel drawn to it, naturally. Other than that, I do like the idea of having a family and kids. But the way it happens, I only feel drawn to being married when I become more "lukewarm" in my faith. So I dont know if that means anything. I guess I can't know for sure, all the reasons why I feel drawn to religious life, and if my view is realistic, etc, until I visit communities. I don't know yet where God is leading me. Uncertainty about the future is probably one of the things we need to surrender to Him.

About religious life.. I have read that it's "objectively" a higher calling than marriage, though if someone is called to marriage, that's their path to holiness. I dont really see them as equal but that doesn't mean I'm called to religious life. God calls each person to their own path, and maybe He prepares the most graces for them there, it's also what 'fits' them best. This is just what I read somewhere.

Maybe the reason it makes me doubt when I don't feel drawn to marriage, is because - [i]this might sound kind of strange [/i]but - [b]someone once remarked that when people want to be really close to Jesus, that's only because they don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, and so they kind of "transfer" their desire for a relationship, to their relationship with God.[/b] I think that I see God as more than that, in any case I want to love Him more than how spouses love each other: because He is God, not a creature - maybe we can't ever love other creatures in the same way, since God needs to come first. But this remark made me afraid anyway. How do I know if this isn't true? did anyone else ever struggle with that? The other argument I came up with, is: - while it's true that we always have our natural inclinations, - our relationship with Jesus can be very loving yet very chaste. If it was simply misplaced desire for a human spouse, it would probably not be so pure. It's true St John of the Cross even wrote about people who are not entirely purified, being tempted with impure feelings during prayer or spiritual consolations. But since they can go beyond that, and become purified eventually, that means that the real basis of our love for God is spiritual. Sorry if this sounds like I'm questioning the most basic things, - but I've been confused and doubting lots. I do believe that my relationship with God is something real and spiritual, - I dont know why someone would not really want a human spouse, when they're closer to Him, but maybe that's something to ask a priest.
[/quote]

MLF,

I completely understand your confusion after some of the answers but I wanted to address the bolded part. The desire to want to totally belong to Him does not necessarily come from not being in a relationship. I was actively discerning marriage with a very wonderful catholic young man when the urgings of the Lord began tugging at my heart.

The way I understanding my desire for Him is like this: He is courted me and pursued me, the gentle urgings to sit one minute longer in prayer, the quiet desire to go to adoration all come from Him calling me and as I respond by spending more time with him in prayer I find my heart becoming more and more His and I desire more and more to be no one else's. I do not have an aversion to marriage and do not want to avoid it, as it stands right now I feel the Lord is calling me to Religious Life. I appreciate marriage and find it to be very beautiful, but I know that right now the Lord is calling me to Religious Life. I am seeking to live my life and my vocation day by day and continue to follow him, in a sense I am a bit envious of married couples because with two humans together you know when things go wrong in the relationship it may not be your fault. However, in your relationship with the Lord there is only one imperfect person so making it work might seem easier but it is in fact harder because when things go wrong you can likely look in the mirror.

My suggestion to you is to take your faith, your spiritual growth and your possible vocation [i]one day at a time[/i] let Him lead you day by day and you will find that he leads you to the path He has chosen for you. As many others have suggested above, just be open to the Lord's guidance.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thank you for this, that helps! I hope to be more open to God's will. I want to belong to Him, at the same time I still have so many attachments, at the same time I'm afraid I can't be His - so although I'm not against marriage in general (as in: I think it is a holy vocation too), [b]perhaps[/b] my fear of not ever being a religious and not being called to give myself fully to Jesus, causes me to resist against marriage as an option. Maybe just putting God first, above my will, can help me to be more open and also to be simpler with Him and definitely, prayer!

Edited December 30, 2011 by MarysLittleFlower

[MarysLittleFlower]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1325274283' post='2360074']
I wish one of the Vocation Directors I met with would have understood this. One of the girls I went on retreat with told the VD that she was not attracted to marriage because she felt no man could ever measure up to Jesus Christ and she desired to give up everything for Him. The VD nearly talked her out of discerning religious life because the VD felt that she had some negative attitude towards marriage and men. I was in the same room! There was no talk of men being lesser individuals or marriage being a terrible thing. I think the VD seriously misunderstood the other girl and I later told the girl as such. The girl almost lost hope of discerning a vocation because the VD tried to dissuade her.

Oh, and I should mention that this same girl is now discerning seriously with a cloistered Carmelite order and is attempting to apply!
[/quote]

wow! I'm glad she is continuing to discern I guess this statement could be interpreted in various ways!

[kavalamyself]

This is something you should talk to your SD about. It's becoming more of a popular/important question for those in discernment.