Feeling 'stuck'

[EmilyAnn]

A few weeks ago I went on a retreat to a community I was interested in discerning with. At the time I went there I was feeling lost and expected to go there and come out still feeling lost and without direction. I'd almost given up on a vocation to religious life. I was only there for just over a day but I left thinking "this is the community for me". I can't help but feel that God had this planned all along, since I go to university not far from them.

When I was there, I spoke to the Novice Mistress and she said the only barrier for me at the moment is my anaemia, since it makes me quite ill if I don't take supplements. I expected that and I'm working on living without the supplements so that's not a problem. She said as well the next step for me would be to come for a live in for three or four weeks. With university, I wouldn't be able to do this until after my graduation but again that's to be expected.

My problem is my family. I told my mother I was thinking of religious life and she flipped out. She was furious with me and made it so difficult for me that I ended up just telling her I'd stop thinking about it. At the time I was so upset I did mean it but I couldn't stop that desire and that longing. I arranged my visits to Carmel and then to St Cecilia's Abbey in secret and never told her.

Now I'm left feeling stuck. I desperately want to go on the live-in but I can't bring myself to tell my mother that I'm discerning still. But I can't keep it hidden, I can make excuses for why I didn't answer my phone for a day but for three/four weeks is just impossible. Yet I desperately want to go on the live-in because I am just so sure that St Cecilia's is where I am called to be. I don't know what to do or how to go on from here.

I apologise for the long and slightly rambling post but if any of you have any help/suggestions/advice I would appreciate it so much.

God Bless!

[MissScripture]

I don't have any suggestions, but prayers that you're able to figure it out and follow God's will. It's a tough situation to be in.

[InPersonaChriste]

Pray that the Mary will comfort your mother and turn her heart towards Jesus,
I do not know your mother, but no matter how hard it is I personally could not go about without telling my parents what was happening to myself internally. I suggest you talk to a priest on this subject, someone who knows you and your family.

In Christ
IPC

[Lisa]

You've got a little time before graduation, right? So, if it's a year or two off (I can't remember, please forgive me if I'm wrong), there's definitely time for her to have a change of heart. Maybe try to bring up something indirectly related to nuns next time you head home (Sister Act, Sound of Music, other "fun" things).

I've cried a lot of tears over "discussions" with my mom about my vocation, but she's come around. I know she may not completely understand until I'm living the life.

Above all, pray for her! And I'll be praying for you both!

[seraphic000]

Some people are lucky to have families that understand what a religious vocation is and that are willing to support him/her in pursuing one. Others aren't so fortunate.

The only advice anyone can give you is to stay strong. Consider this a heightened opportunity for you to test your calling. In fact, the challenges and questions that come from your mother can actually help you to clarify why you feel St. Cecilia's is where you belong.

I know it's difficult, but you also have to be honest with your mother. I don't think sneaking behind her back or being untruthful would be helpful in this situation. I think that the more she sees you are still discerning religious life, the more she will realize that you are taking this seriously, and the more likely she is to take your seriously. If you discuss this with her openly, honestly and charitably hopefully she'll come to understand your situation.

I understand that you may feel you have to be obedient to your mother's wishes to stop thinking about religous life, but I would say it is not an absolute obedience that is required here. Certainly we must respect and honour our parents; however, you are a grown woman, or at least you are slowly becoming one! You must realize that ultimately the decision about your state of life is not your mother's: it's [b]yours[/b].

Many saints, like St. Thomas Aquinas, have written on this very topic, and they say that one's family is often the last people one should consult when discerning whether to enter the religious state; often they are a hindrance, not a help.

Continue to reflect and pray about this difficult situation. I can definitely sympathize. o{]:-P

[TheresaThoma]

I understand where you are coming from with your mom having difficulties with your vocation. My mom and I have had several fights over my vocation and I know that there will probably be more in the future. (My mom is not Catholic and pretty anti-Church)
My advice would to be honest with your mom. Perhaps say that you had stopped thinking about it for awhile but it kept coming back to you and you had this opportunities and just couldn't pass them up. I have personally found that writing these things out in a letter can be helpful. Give your mom the letter and then have plans to be somewhere else for the rest of the day. That way she will have time to read the letter and process through her first emotions (anger, sadness etc). Then when you come home you can have a more reasonable discussion.
It is not easy but remember following your vocation draws you to a deep union with God and Satan will try anything to prevent you from doing so.
Pray for your mother too. During my whole discernment process I have prayed for the conversion of my mother's heart. There have been small changes, for example we have moved past the "possibly being kicked out of the house over this" stage to the "I'm not supporting you but at the same time I am not stopping you" stage. It may not seem like much but it is progress.

[Katiebobatie94]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1328786879' post='2384170']
A few weeks ago I went on a retreat to a community I was interested in discerning with. At the time I went there I was feeling lost and expected to go there and come out still feeling lost and without direction. I'd almost given up on a vocation to religious life. I was only there for just over a day but I left thinking "this is the community for me". I can't help but feel that God had this planned all along, since I go to university not far from them.

When I was there, I spoke to the Novice Mistress and she said the only barrier for me at the moment is my anaemia, since it makes me quite ill if I don't take supplements. I expected that and I'm working on living without the supplements so that's not a problem. She said as well the next step for me would be to come for a live in for three or four weeks. With university, I wouldn't be able to do this until after my graduation but again that's to be expected.

My problem is my family. I told my mother I was thinking of religious life and she flipped out. She was furious with me and made it so difficult for me that I ended up just telling her I'd stop thinking about it. At the time I was so upset I did mean it but I couldn't stop that desire and that longing. I arranged my visits to Carmel and then to St Cecilia's Abbey in secret and never told her.

Now I'm left feeling stuck. I desperately want to go on the live-in but I can't bring myself to tell my mother that I'm discerning still. But I can't keep it hidden, I can make excuses for why I didn't answer my phone for a day but for three/four weeks is just impossible. Yet I desperately want to go on the live-in because I am just so sure that St Cecilia's is where I am called to be. I don't know what to do or how to go on from here.

I apologise for the long and slightly rambling post but if any of you have any help/suggestions/advice I would appreciate it so much.

God Bless!
[/quote]

trust me i know what you mean. im in the same boat. my mom flipped too, it stinks i know. just keep praying He has a plan

[marigold]

I'm sorry you're feeling stressed about this

Mothers always seem to be the worst - not always in their reaction, but the hardest to break the news to. But if you're going to live out the rest of your natural life in a convent, she's going to have to find out at some point. Sorry to state the obvious, but it's true!

When I was in this exact situation, people (okay, my priest) kept telling me, 'in the end, she's going to come around because she loves YOU, not because she loves monastic life or the Church'. And... I couldn't hear it at the time, but that is how it's panning out. Just like TheresaThoma, my mother is now at the 'not supporting but not stopping' stage, which is wonderful! I'll take what I can get EDIT: And as for my dad, he bought me my suitcase!

If you were still in the early visiting and researching stages, I would say don't bother your mother with it. But a live-in is the next, teeny bit more serious step, and - if my experience is anything to go by - you'll save the both of you a lot of heartache if you let her know that you're at least going to visit. Don't phrase it as 'I've found my home and am starting the entering process' - just that you want to have the experience and see what happens after that. My parents seemed to respond better to that, they felt less outrightly rejected I think.

Edited February 9, 2012 by marigold

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

You know, I have never had a parent or a REALLY close relative be negative about it, but I can offer my two cents.

I had a really heartbreaking talk with a friend once. She told me that it looked like I was rushing into things and that I should live my life and go to college first. It really hurt me because I was not rushing into anything, at the time, I had never visited a cloistered convent. At the time, I had never actually met a nun that I felt called to be like. I had only e-mailed with some amazing nuns. The reason this friend said those things to me because I post religious stuff on FB all the time and I talk about how much I love nuns. So, that was a heartbreaker that she felt that way.

Also, my grandma is a heathen who makes all kinds of jokes about nuns around me, but I think the whole nun thing is growing on her.

So, I can't give much advice because I can't imagine what it would be like to have a mother who does not support you in this decision. All I can offer you is prayers.

BTW, I just KNEW Marigold would have great advice on this! I remember when there was another thread about this, and I think it was her who said something that really just stuck with me.

[somethingfishy]

Some of the sisters at the community I hope to enter joined me in praying a novena for my parents (I gave them the news on the 9th day). They took it well, and they're very anti-Catholic generally -- I was shocked they didn't yell at me or cry or something. Along with all the other good advice you've got here, it's worth a shot...

[Carmelshrimp]

Nobody ever understood and I think nobody ever will. But it was what I was called to and God wanted me here, so here I am. If you're called by God and willing to respond he won't leave you struggling, even if it's tough sometimes. Trust him - he's worth it.

[franciscanheart]

Do you have a spiritual director? Have you divulged your struggles to the Novice Mistress? I would suggest being open and talking to those who are engaged directly in your discernment. God will work wonders if you are open to Him.

[EmilyAnn]

[quote name='InPersonaChriste' timestamp='1328800001' post='2384203']
Pray that the Mary will comfort your mother and turn her heart towards Jesus,
I do not know your mother, but no matter how hard it is I personally could not go about without telling my parents what was happening to myself internally. I suggest you talk to a priest on this subject, someone who knows you and your family.

In Christ
IPC
[/quote]

I've just moved to a new parish and I want to schedule a meeting with the priest there to speak with him about my spiritual difficulties. Unfortunately I live away from my family and my family aren't Catholic so a priest is not someone who would know them.


[quote name='Lisa' timestamp='1328800417' post='2384204']
You've got a little time before graduation, right? So, if it's a year or two off (I can't remember, please forgive me if I'm wrong), there's definitely time for her to have a change of heart. Maybe try to bring up something indirectly related to nuns next time you head home (Sister Act, Sound of Music, other "fun" things).

I've cried a lot of tears over "discussions" with my mom about my vocation, but she's come around. I know she may not completely understand until I'm living the life.

Above all, pray for her! And I'll be praying for you both!
[/quote]

I graduate in June so I haven't got that much time left. I have problems with anaemia that I am working through and I want to go see my family overseas before I enter so realistically I wouldn't be looking at entering for another year or so, so I suppose that would give my mother time to get used to the idea. Even though I said I wasn't discerning I suppose the idea is still in her mind that I'm considering it.

[quote name='seraphic000' timestamp='1328807074' post='2384238']
Some people are lucky to have families that understand what a religious vocation is and that are willing to support him/her in pursuing one. Others aren't so fortunate.

The only advice anyone can give you is to stay strong. Consider this a heightened opportunity for you to test your calling. In fact, the challenges and questions that come from your mother can actually help you to clarify why you feel St. Cecilia's is where you belong.

I know it's difficult, but you also have to be honest with your mother. I don't think sneaking behind her back or being untruthful would be helpful in this situation. I think that the more she sees you are still discerning religious life, the more she will realize that you are taking this seriously, and the more likely she is to take your seriously. If you discuss this with her openly, honestly and charitably hopefully she'll come to understand your situation.

I understand that you may feel you have to be obedient to your mother's wishes to stop thinking about religous life, but I would say it is not an absolute obedience that is required here. Certainly we must respect and honour our parents; however, you are a grown woman, or at least you are slowly becoming one! You must realize that ultimately the decision about your state of life is not your mother's: it's [b]yours[/b].

Many saints, like St. Thomas Aquinas, have written on this very topic, and they say that one's family is often the last people one should consult when discerning whether to enter the religious state; often they are a hindrance, not a help.

Continue to reflect and pray about this difficult situation. I can definitely sympathize. o{]:-P
[/quote]

I'm working on trying to start hinting again to my mother that the other plans for my life are not what I want. I think she feels that I'm not thinking about it properly and that I'm just 'running away' from the world and I hope that if she sees that it's about doing what will fulfil me and make me happy then she might come around. I know I can't live my life on my mother's approval because let's face it she is not going to approve of every choice I make anyway. I pray that God will give me the strength to persevere and soften my mother's heart.

[EmilyAnn]

[quote name='marigold' timestamp='1328809858' post='2384257']
I'm sorry you're feeling stressed about this

Mothers always seem to be the worst - not always in their reaction, but the hardest to break the news to. But if you're going to live out the rest of your natural life in a convent, she's going to have to find out at some point. Sorry to state the obvious, but it's true!

When I was in this exact situation, people (okay, my priest) kept telling me, 'in the end, she's going to come around because she loves YOU, not because she loves monastic life or the Church'. And... I couldn't hear it at the time, but that is how it's panning out. Just like TheresaThoma, my mother is now at the 'not supporting but not stopping' stage, which is wonderful! I'll take what I can get EDIT: And as for my dad, he bought me my suitcase!

If you were still in the early visiting and researching stages, I would say don't bother your mother with it. But a live-in is the next, teeny bit more serious step, and - if my experience is anything to go by - you'll save the both of you a lot of heartache if you let her know that you're at least going to visit. Don't phrase it as 'I've found my home and am starting the entering process' - just that you want to have the experience and see what happens after that. My parents seemed to respond better to that, they felt less outrightly rejected I think.
[/quote]

I think she does feel rejected by it, she sees it as I want to get away from her. Which is of course untrue, we have our difficulties but she is my mother and the only parent I really have (my father is estranged). I'm hoping if I get further along the path that my godfather will be more positive about it and might bring her round to the idea, he is the one person I really pray will be happy for me.

What really hurt me was she said she hated the Church. I could take her anger at me but her anger towards the Church that I love so much was awful.

[quote name='franciscanheart' timestamp='1328894486' post='2384930']
Do you have a spiritual director? Have you divulged your struggles to the Novice Mistress? I would suggest being open and talking to those who are engaged directly in your discernment. God will work wonders if you are open to Him.
[/quote]

I don't have a spiritual director and honestly I have no idea how I'd get one. I am planning to email the Novice Mistress with a few questions I had and explain the situation - one of the other sisters I spoke to told me they had several sisters who had struggled with parental disapproval (some who have indeed never come round to it) so I am hoping she may have some insight.

[TheresaThoma]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1328913739' post='2385178']

I don't have a spiritual director and honestly I have no idea how I'd get one.
[/quote]
My first suggestion is to ask a priest that you like and trust if they are accepting people for spiritual director. Or if they could recommend someone who is available for spiritual direction.
Another good place to start is with friends who are already receiving spiritual direction. I'm currently working on finding a spiritual director and I asked my friend's spiritual director if he was taking anyone on or if he knew someone that is. He is currently looking into finding someone for me.
Finally don't forget to pray! Ask God to send you a good holy Spiritual Director!