For Those Discerning.. (How We Present Ourselves)

[emmaberry101]

[color=#222222][font=Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif][size=4][background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]'emmaberry' account has been glitching today.

I know this thread is over six months old, but I'd like to bump it because this topic is something I am struggling with. I live in a Fundamentalist-majority Southern city that is very materialistic (lots of oil $$$). I am home from college waiting to enter the Monastery, and I have this closet full of cute clothes (I considered myself a fashionista before discerning). They aren't modest, but they are fashionable. At college when I first began discerning I did the whole 'long skirt' thing, but now it is getting colder and the long skirts ain't working. And honestly, I like a good pair of jeans just like anyone else.

Every time I go out in public, I worry myself sick about presenting the 'right' image to the Fundies I know who I see while I am out and about (small town doesn't begin to describe it..). I know Carmelshrimp made an excellent point about how we shouldn't worry about what we wear if our mind is on Christ, but I know if I dress 'frumpy' (aka long skirts and other outfits that say "I am about to enter the Monastery!") it will give the critics (the protestants who find out about my vocation) the impression that I am scared of guys and don't have any interest in dating and [i]that's[/i] why I am entering the Monastery and thinking about religious life. If I dress nicely and fashionably, I am worried that people might be scandalized that I seem like I am putting some effort into my appearance.

If I were entering Carmel or some other Order, I'd probably just go the way of the long skirts, but this is the Poor Clares we are talking about. Saint Clare wore her lovely gowns and jewels right up until Saint Francis clothed her with the habit of his Order. Every time I begin to think too much about the impression I am giving these critical eyes around me, I just hear Mother Mary Francis in the back of my mind:

"Saint Clare did not loathe her satin gowns, her laughing sisters, her castle home. But she loved God so much more that she gave Him all these lesser loves with a full and singing heart. We see her fine sense of drama, her perfect sense of values, when she dresses herself in her very richest apparel, her most sparkling jewels, to go to the mean little chapel of St. Mary of the Angels, to give them all away. It would not be Saint Clare to go to God in sackcloth. No, she went like a bride to her Bridegroom. I see our holy Mother that night of her entrance into religion, that night when our Order was born, so young, so gifted, so utterly lovely. Kneeling in that poor little chapel, her satin and jewels making a pool of light around her as St. Francis stands before her in his patched habit and bare feet, waiting to sign her as his daughter. Would anyone call St. Clare a social misfit?"

It may be good to note that I know that ultimately, no matter what I do, these anti-Catholic critical people will judge me and deride me no matter how I dress and no matter what I do. I suppose I just feel the sense of responsibility pressing down upon me now that I have been accepted to enter. I am now the only future Poor Clare [/background][/size][/font][/color][background=rgb(255, 255, 255)](hopefully) [/background][background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]these people will probably ever meet, the only faithful Catholic they know, and the weight of being a good spokesperson for my community and a good spokesperson for the Catholic faith is weighing heavily upon me. I would appreciate your prayers as I navigate these next few months 'among the critics.' May God reward you.[/background]

Edited September 29, 2012 by emmaberry101

[Carmelshrimp]

It's always difficult to guess what other people will make of how we present ourselves (which is one reason for not getting too stressed about it. They'll probably read us wrong anyway) However, the best way to give your sisters a good reputation among people who may be having their one and only encounter with a future Poor Clare is to let them see your joy at the prospect of giving yourself to your Bridegroom. It'll do more good than hours of angst, staring into the wardrobe and worrying about how you look, no matter how good the motive. And if you're cold, wear jeans. They don't have to be sprayed on and revealing. I'm very thin and feel the cold quite badly, and it would take quite a stretch of the imagination to see my scrawny form in jeans, work boots and three jumpers as seductive. Keep warm while you can - next winter it's bare feet! Hope all your preparations go well and you're in my prayers.

[beatitude]

Emma, I think the most sensible thing to do is to ask not how other people might perceive you, but to ask what is the best thing for you to do in your situation. And in quoting from Mother Mary Francis I think you have your answer.

It sounds as though you have started to unconsciously think of yourself as a walking billboard for Catholic monastic life, and you're worrying about how to best represent the 'brand'. But you are simply not going to be able to change people's minds on monastic life. They come from a very different religious culture and all their preconceptions and beliefs are not going to be shaken by the sight of you wearing skirts, or you wearing jeans, or you wearing jewellery, or you wearing your pyjamas in the middle of the street. Sometimes people will believe the worst of you and your choices no matter what you do. Everything will be twisted to fit the opinions they already hold. There is nothing you can do about that except to pray and stop trying to anticipate everything they might think. It's just not possible.

This way of thinking can also become a little self-centred. In all honesty, most people in your town probably have more on their minds than what you're wearing and what that says about your decision to enter the monastery, no matter how small the town. Some people might well be sceptical or disapproving of your decision to become a nun - it's not so common - but this doesn't mean they're scrutinising you with all this intensity and passing judgment on your socks.

Perhaps the best thing to do in this situation would be to stop thinking about how they perceive you and start thinking about how you perceive them. You describe them as 'fundies' (which can be a pretty dismissive/derogatory word) and '[color=#222222][font=Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif][size=4][background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]these anti-Catholic critical people'[/background][/size][/font][/color]. You are worried that they are casting unfair and derisive judgment on monastic life (which is not something they can reasonably be expected to know a lot about, given their lack of exposure to it) but you don't seem to consider the possibility that you might be casting unfair and derisive judgment on them - people whom you [i]can[/i] be expected to know, as you live with them. Perhaps pray that God shows you the things He loves best about these people so that you can leave your town for the monastery with something more positive than just the memory of their anti-Catholicism. I don't doubt that they are anti-Catholic or that the bigotry is difficult to deal with, but they are more than their prejudices. We all are. One of the hardest but most rewarding things about community life (both in the cloister and outside of it) is learning to see the best of people. I think this might be the most positive contribution you can make to the community you're leaving behind, far more positive than wondering what to wear.

[emmaberry101]

[color=#222222][font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif][size=4][background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]

[quote name='beatitude' timestamp='1348938352' post='2488047']
Emma, I think the most sensible thing to do is to ask not how other people might perceive you, but to ask what is the best thing for you to do in your situation. And in quoting from Mother Mary Francis I think you have your answer.

It sounds as though you have started to unconsciously think of yourself as a walking billboard for Catholic monastic life, and you're worrying about how to best represent the 'brand'. But you are simply not going to be able to change people's minds on monastic life. They come from a very different religious culture and all their preconceptions and beliefs are not going to be shaken by the sight of you wearing skirts, or you wearing jeans, or you wearing jewellery, or you wearing your pyjamas in the middle of the street. Sometimes people will believe the worst of you and your choices no matter what you do. [b]Everything will be twisted to fit the opinions they already hold. There is nothing you can do about that except to pray and stop trying to anticipate everything they might think. It's just not possible.[/b]

This way of thinking can also become a little self-centred. In all honesty, most people in your town probably have more on their minds than what you're wearing and what that says about your decision to enter the monastery, no matter how small the town. Some people might well be sceptical or disapproving of your decision to become a nun - it's not so common - but this doesn't mean they're scrutinising you with all this intensity and passing judgment on your socks.

Perhaps the best thing to do in this situation would be to stop thinking about how they perceive you and start thinking about how you perceive them. You describe them as 'fundies' (which can be a pretty dismissive/derogatory word) and '[color=#222222][font='Helvetica Neue'][size=4][background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]these anti-Catholic critical people'[/background][/size][/font][/color]. You are worried that they are casting unfair and derisive judgment on monastic life (which is not something they can reasonably be expected to know a lot about, given their lack of exposure to it) but you don't seem to consider the possibility that you might be casting unfair and derisive judgment on them - people whom you [i]can[/i] be expected to know, as you live with them. Perhaps pray that God shows you the things He loves best about these people so that you can leave your town for the monastery with something more positive than just the memory of their anti-Catholicism. I don't doubt that they are anti-Catholic or that the bigotry is difficult to deal with, but they are more than their prejudices. We all are. One of the hardest but most rewarding things about community life (both in the cloister and outside of it) is learning to see the best of people. I think this might be the most positive contribution you can make to the community you're leaving behind, far more positive than wondering what to wear.
[/quote]
Thanks for this-I was seeing myself as the 'walking Catholic/future nun' billboard. Trying the represent the 'brand' well would wear on anyone, so I appreciate your advice. I also get what you said about how people are not always focused on 'there's that Catholic again.' I also think it may be a bit of culture shock. When I was in college in a big city, the anonymity was so appealing to me. Getting back into the swing of small town living has degraded my perspective, I think.

Also, I find your comment about the word 'fundie' so funny, because I use to use the full 'Fundamentalist' in debates and conversations, and my friends asked me to stop! They call themselves fundies, and did not like the 'feel' of the word Fundamentalist. They compared it to the way the word Catholic doesn't roll off the tongue easily. They also call themselves anti-Catholic, and a certain friend has named herself 'The Critic' when we talk about anything to do with monastic life. I can see how these would come across as derogatory though, and I am very sorry for giving off that impression in my post.

The bolded bit=

[quote name='Carmelshrimp' timestamp='1348937046' post='2488040']
It's always difficult to guess what other people will make of how we present ourselves (which is one reason for not getting too stressed about it. They'll probably read us wrong anyway) However, the best way to give your sisters a good reputation among people who may be having their one and only encounter with a future Poor Clare is to let them see your joy at the prospect of giving yourself to your Bridegroom. It'll do more good than hours of angst, staring into the wardrobe and worrying about how you look, no matter how good the motive. And if you're cold, wear jeans. They don't have to be sprayed on and revealing. I'm very thin and feel the cold quite badly, and it would take quite a stretch of the imagination to see my scrawny form in jeans, work boots and three jumpers as seductive. Keep warm while you can - next winter it's bare feet! Hope all your preparations go well and you're in my prayers.
[/quote]

This last bit had me laughing! Good philosophy. [/background][/size][/font][/color]

[mantellata]

Totally get the billboard thing.

If it's a small town you have probably heard directly from people (not just in your own mind) about what they do and do not think about you entering the convent. It probably makes it easy to start to become "overly concerned" simply because people are bringing it up to you or "loudly" in conversation in public.

As beatitude mentioned, I wouldn't worry too much about your appearance other than dressing as pleases you - regardless of what others think. The best billboard that you can be is by being yourself - and admitting that you are "trying this out" you haven't made vows or anything yet. It could be a good educational opportunity for people to slowly understand that entrance is part of discernment - and that formation is also something that you will receive. The community likes you fine just as you are... and you aren't going to become someone else. Your happiness and radiance of the love of Christ will be remembered more than your clothes. So I give you a thumbs up to the whole "St. Clare wore jewels" thing. Clothes do say something about what we believe about ourselves. If you are neat and clean - it shows you value the body God has given you, if you dress modestly - it shows that you have respect for yourself and the souls of others, etc...

Dress to impress Jesus.. St. Theresa of the Andes did this as well.... as someone engaged to the King of kings, should you not all the more show your happiness in a way that outshines how you would so do for a natural spouse? I know I'm spouting my own personal take here... but there we are. So today is Sunday. So to others, what I'm wearing looks like I'm off to an elegant dinner party... I always dress that way for Mass. Now depending on the Parish I attend I can get several reactions - some - nobody notices me, I blend in - in the "everybody is wearing jeans and their hair looks like they just rolled out of bed" I look overdressed and get the understandable covert glances. Since I wasn't dressing to garner anyone's praise or blame or notice, but because I believe it is appropriate to dress up for Mass and since there really is no one else that I would want to "dress up for" than Jesus, I do my best not to care either way.... and focus on... the Mass.

[emmaberry101]

[quote name='mantellata' timestamp='1349028155' post='2488456']
Totally get the billboard thing.

If it's a small town you have probably heard directly from people (not just in your own mind) about what they do and do not think about you entering the convent. It probably makes it easy to start to become "overly concerned" simply because people are bringing it up to you or "loudly" in conversation in public.

As beatitude mentioned, I wouldn't worry too much about your appearance other than dressing as pleases you - regardless of what others think. The best billboard that you can be is by being yourself - and admitting that you are "trying this out" you haven't made vows or anything yet. It could be a good educational opportunity for people to slowly understand that entrance is part of discernment - and that formation is also something that you will receive. The community likes you fine just as you are... and you aren't going to become someone else. Your happiness and radiance of the love of Christ will be remembered more than your clothes. So I give you a thumbs up to the whole "St. Clare wore jewels" thing. Clothes do say something about what we believe about ourselves. If you are neat and clean - it shows you value the body God has given you, if you dress modestly - it shows that you have respect for yourself and the souls of others, etc...

Dress to impress Jesus.. St. Theresa of the Andes did this as well.... as someone engaged to the King of kings, should you not all the more show your happiness in a way that outshines how you would so do for a natural spouse? I know I'm spouting my own personal take here... but there we are. So today is Sunday. So to others, what I'm wearing looks like I'm off to an elegant dinner party... I always dress that way for Mass. Now depending on the Parish I attend I can get several reactions - some - nobody notices me, I blend in - in the "everybody is wearing jeans and their hair looks like they just rolled out of bed" I look overdressed and get the understandable covert glances. Since I wasn't dressing to garner anyone's praise or blame or notice, but because I believe it is appropriate to dress up for Mass and since there really is no one else that I would want to "dress up for" than Jesus, I do my best not to care either way.... and focus on... the Mass.
[/quote]

Thank you for this mantellata. I do think you are right about the 'small town' behaviors. I have been discreetly pointed at, and at other times a bolder person just came right out and said, "This girl's joining the convent! Can you believe it? What a waste, right?" I am not sure which I prefer-probably the latter, because then you can address their concerns and begin a dialogue.

My little sister is young enough to still have play-dates, and I think the moms of my sister's friends tell them not to let me talk to them. Every time I come around or say, "It's good to see you again!" they give me this wide eyed look and hardly speak. I think their moms think they will come home wanting to be nuns too.

I am sure some of this is imagined, but some of it is there. The worst part is how it's affecting my mom. Her friends disapprove of what I am doing, and so they won't talk to her about me anymore, which is awkward for her because moms with college-aged daughters generally talk about their kids and their plans. Her friendships are struggling, and I know it makes her feel awkward when people ask why she even had a kid if she's letting her go hide in a cloister. But, the Lord said we would receive a hundredfold, and I hope the vast majority goes to my poor parents. At least I will be in the Monastery in a couple months, whereas they will have to stay here and wrestle with unsupportive friends and very disapproving family members. My mom and I joke that going into the convent has to be the right thing to do if it makes so many people so very upset-I have never seen some adults act the way they do when they find out! One woman told me, "But Emma, the Bible doesn't say anything about suffering."

I always like your posts pertaining to how we present ourselves, because I know you must look put together for your job, so I appreciate the insight on that level. Sometimes I get somewhat scrupulous when it comes to 'image,' thinking that caring at all is caring too much (ie sin). It's good to be reminded that 'virtue is in the middle', as the saying goes.

[mantellata]

[quote name='emmaberry101' timestamp='1349041070' post='2488535']
I am sure some of this is imagined, but some of it is there. The worst part is how it's affecting my mom. Her friends disapprove of what I am doing, and so they won't talk to her about me anymore, which is awkward for her because moms with college-aged daughters generally talk about their kids and their plans. Her friendships are struggling, and I know it makes her feel awkward when people ask why she even had a kid if she's letting her go hide in a cloister.
[/quote]




Not much else to be said here. You have my prayers - and so does your mom.