Opposite Sex Housemates

[HopefulBride]

After graduating from college I moved in with one of my best friends who happens to be male. Being from a cultural where one doesn't live with someone who is not a relative or a spouse it was a bit hard for my parents to deal with. Eventually they realized that it was indeed the cheapest and safest choice I had and Mike and I shared a house for two years.

I think as everyone says, you need to make sure your private living areas are secured. I had my own entrance and a lock on my bedroom door but even without my own entrance I felt secure in living with him.

You want to make sure the person you live with is Someone whose judgements and morals you trust and agree with. Some of my guy friends I wouldnt live with not because of a near occasion of sin but because I know we'd end up arguing all the time about certain things.

Edited March 27, 2012 by HopefulBride

[StClare_OraProNobis]

I think maybe I am the only one here who thinks that this would give scandal because it gives the appearance of sin and also not be prudent because attractions could develop. It is very naive to think that an attraction would not develop Ever have a guy friend and then out of the blue it turns into a crush? It is only natural and we need to be wise enough not to put ourselves in temptations way or to give others the wrong impression.

Edited April 11, 2012 by StClare_OraProNobis

[dominicansoul]

I agree to this, also. That's what I've been waiting for someone to bring up in this thread: the sin of [i]scandal[/i]. Regardless how chaste your relationship is with your opposite-sex roommate, it gives a pretty bad example, and could even cause others to decide to live in sin: "well so-and-so is living with a guy, and she's supposedly a good Catholic, I guess I can, too!"

[dominicansoul]

I want to add, that most of you here have stated that your relationships are way beyond chaste, there is no way you would ever even fall into any temptations with your housemates, etc. etc. AND That most of you believe it isn't causing scandal, but in reality...


...as holy as strong as most of you are, it is a pretty dangerous situation to place your souls in...i mean, i believe all of you saying that there is NO WAY you would ever even THINK of doing anything sinful with your housemates, etc.... and to that I commend all of you, but at the same time... satan is a very powerful spirit, and him and his minions are always searching the world for the ruin of HOLY souls... and you are giving him just enough ammunition to aim at you and fire... just something to think about... you never know how easy it can be to fall into the sins of the flesh even when you think there is no chance of that happening...

ALSO...you have no idea whether or not your situations are causing scandal...do you speak individually with every single person who knows your living conditions or sees you from afar?

[Autumn Dusk]

Honestly, I think it depends how big the house is, how many others live there and where the bathrooms are.

In a large house with single gender bathrooms, where females occupy one end, males the other (or another floor) it's much like living in an apartment. In a 2 bedroom house where you share the bathroom and bedroom walls, it's asking for disaster. As a single person I've lived in my own apartment for years sometimes with opposite-gender housemates and never considered my housemates scandelous. We shared a common area downstairs where we could hang out and do laundry and we shared our outdoor area which we frequently spent time together in. We all had terribly small kitchens and non-existant dining rooms so we'd do what we could and ate together...or at the home of the neighbor behind us.

I lived in a dorm that was segregated by floor. The girls and guys who were set on having sex had it. The rest of us didn't care. The most important part is segregated bathrooms. THAT is vital.

[Luigi]

Just a note on terminology. Back in the 70's or 80's there was a term for what you're talking about, and it's easier to say than same-sex-housemate.

Pronounce it POSS-L-CUE. Write it POSSLQ. Use it as a noun, as in, "My POSSLQ and I are hosting a party next week."

It means Person of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters.

Edited April 12, 2012 by Luigi

[cmotherofpirl]

I lived in an all girls dorm in an all girls catholic college, and if people wanted to have sex, they had sex, every weekend in their rooms.

[missionseeker]

I did, too. And they find the weirdest places to have sex...

[MissyP89]

Now[i] that [/i]is scandalous.

Edited April 12, 2012 by MissyP89

[missionseeker]

you aren't the one who found two people in the bathroom where you work.

[MissScripture]

I lived in an all girls dorm with visiting hours from 8 am to 11 pm on weekdays, and I woke up at 3 am to find my roommate in bed with a guy. I reported her (if I didn't and she got caught, I'd have been in just as much trouble as she was), which totally ticked her off. She got off with no consequences. I asked for one of us to be moved (according to the rules, she should've been, no questions asked, she broke the "roommate contract" AND the rules!) but the RD wanted us to work it out, instead. I insisted and finally got moved. I'm pretty sure that roommate had sex in our room, too, but had the decency to not have guys in there when I was.

[Papist]

Children will think the two are married. Then I have to explain they are not. The children get real confused. I say this from experience. Does it scandalize children? I don't know, but I do know they are puzzled. I believe if they witness it enough, they will come to think that it is no big deal to live[or shack up] with someone of opposite gender.

[Autumn Dusk]

[quote name='Papist' timestamp='1334316179' post='2416919']
Children will think the two are married. Then I have to explain they are not. The children get real confused. I say this from experience. Does it scandalize children? I don't know, but I do know they are puzzled. I believe if they witness it enough, they will come to think that it is no big deal to live[or shack up] with someone of opposite gender.
[/quote]

I think that's thinking too much into it. If the house has clearly divisable rooms ESPECALLY bathrooms it's being really silly. Becuase by your logic everyone in an apartment building is shacking up.

If they're sharing actual ROOM then that's a different story. But in a house, especally a bigger one with separate baths...it's more like an apartment. Having lived in a house-converted-into an apartment where much common space was shared (we had our own bedrooms, bath and 1/2 kitchen units.... but shared our major common area) I'd of slapped someone in the face for calling it co-habitating and it's not that far off of what the OP is doing.

They're no more shacking up than a boy-sibiling and girl-sibiling who have separate rooms....it's a dangerous train of thought.

Edited April 13, 2012 by Autumn Dusk

[Papist]

[quote name='Autumn Dusk' timestamp='1334321291' post='2416936']
I think that's thinking too much into it. If the house has clearly divisable rooms ESPECALLY bathrooms it's being really silly. Becuase by your logic everyone in an apartment building is shacking up.

If they're sharing actual ROOM then that's a different story. But in a house, especally a bigger one with separate baths...it's more like an apartment. Having lived in a house-converted-into an apartment where much common space was shared (we had our own bedrooms, bath and 1/2 kitchen units.... but shared our major common area) I'd of slapped someone in the face for calling it co-habitating and it's not that far off of what the OP is doing.

They're no more shacking up than a boy-sibiling and girl-sibiling who have separate rooms....it's a dangerous train of thought.
[/quote]

What you said above, a child hears as blah, blah, blah... You are speaking as an adult processing the situation. Children don't process the same as mature adults. You can tell them all you want, but there is still a good chance that all they still understand is that their older cousin Bubba is living with a girl.

[Autumn Dusk]

[quote name='Papist' timestamp='1334321981' post='2416939']
What you said above, a child hears as blah, blah, blah... You are speaking as an adult processing the situation. Children don't process the same as mature adults. You can tell them all you want, but there is still a good chance that all they still understand is that their older cousin Bubba is living with a girl.
[/quote]

I don't think you're giving kids enough credit.

And again, if a child can't understand the concept of personal space, how would you explain houses divided into (studio) apartments? They're very common in my area, moreso than large brick-n-mortar buildings designed to be aparments. New England is an insanely expensive place to live and what most people call apartments here are called condos which you both buy and then pay a montly upkeep fee.

(I paid $700 for an "two" room apt 45 mins from a city)

At any rate there are ways to help kids understand and there are things that kids just won't understand. It's hard to explain to a kid the chemical reaction that makes fire, but it dosn't stop me from cooking.

[Papist]

[quote name='Autumn Dusk' timestamp='1334322880' post='2416941']

I don't think you're giving kids enough credit.

And again, if a child can't understand the concept of personal space, how would you explain houses divided into (studio) apartments? They're very common in my area, moreso than large brick-n-mortar buildings designed to be aparments. New England is an insanely expensive place to live and what most people call apartments here are called condos which you both buy and then pay a montly upkeep fee.

(I paid $700 for an "two" room apt 45 mins from a city)

At any rate there are ways to help kids understand and there are things that kids just won't understand. It's hard to explain to a kid the chemical reaction that makes fire, but it dosn't stop me from cooking.
[/quote]

Have you ever talked to a child regarding this matter? I have and it is not easy as you think. You can go on and on explaining, to have him ask, so why they not married or BUT they are not married? When a child has a paradigm it is hard to shift. With proper upbringing, as they mature they will be able to process it properly.

[Autumn Dusk]

[quote name='Papist' timestamp='1334323503' post='2416945']
Have you ever talked to a child regarding this matter? I have and it is not easy as you think. You can go on and on explaining, to have him ask, so why they not married or BUT they are not married? When a child has a paradigm it is hard to shift. With proper upbringing, as they mature they will be able to process it properly.
[/quote]

I dunno. I have nieces and nephews and they were able to understand that I had housemates perfectly fine. An "auntie Autumn has her own bedroom and Nick has his and the couple downstairs has their own bedroom just like you and sissy have your own bedrooms". Living in the same house is not an issue. Again, maybe its becuase around here many people live in the same house and have apartments within them...so it's just a fact of life. This also might be a case of your kid your problem....kids are curious and don't always understand things.

When my brother was little he "married" all three of the Fellows triplets in kindergarden. He couldn't comprehend why he couldn't have all of them as his wives becuase he loved them. Should my mom have locked him in a closet or killed off two of the girls so it'd be "proper"? No. And she couldn't always interrupt their play, either. Sometimes what kids do is illogical. And while we should be contientions of their minds we also shouldn't be so caught up in making everything look good to them we make our lives miserable.

[Papist]

[quote name='Autumn Dusk' timestamp='1334324117' post='2416948']
I dunno. I have nieces and nephews and they were able to understand that I had housemates perfectly fine. An "auntie Autumn has her own bedroom and Nick has his and the couple downstairs has their own bedroom just like you and sissy have your own bedrooms". Living in the same house is not an issue. Again, maybe its becuase around here many people live in the same house and have apartments within them...so it's just a fact of life. This also might be a case of your kid your problem....kids are curious and don't always understand things.

When my brother was little he "married" all three of the Fellows triplets in kindergarden. He couldn't comprehend why he couldn't have all of them as his wives becuase he loved them. Should my mom have locked him in a closet or killed off two of the girls so it'd be "proper"? No. And she couldn't always interrupt their play, either. Sometimes what kids do is illogical. And while we should be contientions of their minds we also shouldn't be so caught up in making everything look good to them we make our lives miserable.
[/quote]

I think you are taking my comments personal. I am simply adding my experiences as something to consider. If I came off otherwise, I apologize.

As for making our lives miserable, I happily do that today to keep my children as innocent as possible.

[beatitude]

I am uncomfortable with the argument that you shouldn't do something because it might give scandal, because I see this argument often being used to justify people's gossip.

The fact that someone shares a house with people of the opposite gender is not sufficient grounds for assuming that they're doing anything wrong. Speculating on whether the housemates might be sleeping together in some communal lust-fest just tips you into gossip, which is definitely wrong. Even if you don't discuss the idea with others, but harbour the thought yourself, you're still being uncharitable.

As Cmotherofpirl has pointed out, you can live in a single-gender Catholic dorm and still be sleeping with a different person every night. You shouldn't judge someone based on their living situation.

[Autumn Dusk]

[quote name='Papist' timestamp='1334324590' post='2416952']
I think you are taking my comments personal. I am simply adding my experiences as something to consider. If I came off otherwise, I apologize.

As for making our lives miserable, I happily do that today to keep my children as innocent as possible.
[/quote]

Not taking it personally. Your kids, your life. I won't judge you as a parent, and I hope you don't feel that way. I would say be careful about the persuit of innocence, becuase it can hurt your kids, especally if you isolate them or try to hide real sin from them. To me, this is projecting your own opinions about a sinful lifestyle which many today lead on a situation that is innocent. That can confuse kids more than anything, beucause they do just see the obvious and can easily be told that everyone has their own bedroom and dosn't share one like mommy and daddy share a room.

I am more concerned about over-sexualization of situations that can easily be explained. To make a kid guess if housemates are in a romantic/sexual relationship is just wrong. Then they wonder if it's ok to sleep in the same bed with their opposite-gender sibiling during a family roadtrip.

When they were young my little twin cousins thought they were cupid themselves. They're they tried to pair us older cousins off with our other cousins after my brother got married "so we'd each have a girlfriend or boyfriend". They didn't understand that cousins can't marry, they just knew that boys and girls get married and they liked the cake.