A Very Late Vocation

[Clareni]

As a young man in a turbulent time, I felt the call of God so strong, and so real, I could imagine nothing else for my life. I loved the church and I wanted to enter into its heart, as close to the savior as possible on this earth. That was a long time ago and I did not follow him. I was born on the wrong side of the Protestant divide and feared the loss of my family’s love, and so I looked longingly over that border, and never crossed. I knew his call to give up everything and I did not. Instead I lived the live of Ignatius Loyola in reverse, and became a soldier (not that I was a saint before).

My life was my life and I accept everything that has come since. Nietzsche was wrong in proclaiming what does not kill you makes you stronger What did not kill me crippled me emotionally and psychologically and left me depressed and fearful and haunted by the past. I could not forget God, but I could push him far away and to my shame I did.
That is what allowed me and comrades I served with to act with callous brutality as we sometimes did. That is what lead me to degrade women in the bars and brothels where soldiers are not heroes.

For all these sins I am so sorry. For all these sins I beg God for forgiveness and I have vowed to the blessed virgin that I will honor and support our holy sisters the rest of my life as a sign of my repentance. For all the pain in my heart I live with every day, I accept as a reminder of all the pain I have caused.

What does it mean to feel now that God still wants the broken remains of my life?
What can I offer him? What can I offer a church I love but struggle to understand enough to embrace? What can I do now to give up everything and follow him?

To have a late, late vocation means to find the very essence and let go of the externals. To try and do what is right at the very end is to humble oneself beyond what is humanely possibly by human will alone. To follow this path is to take only what little I know and can and do and offer it all, without reservation, to a suffering humanity in his name.

I am not sure of the specific form this will take but I am learning, and praying, and preparing.

[AnneLine]

Thank you for sharing, Clareni.

Important to remember, I think, that the Church is not a place for perfect people; it is for people who have been broken by sin and reborn by Christ's love.

I think it is St. Francis de Sales who talks about unconfessed sin being ugly, but those same sins being transormed into something beautiful when they are confessed and forgiven. Your heart can be transformed by God's loving touch.

I know you are in/looking for an RCIA program and a way to come 'home'.... we will be happy to pray you through your journey.

Many of God's greatest saints were men (and women) who had as broken a past as you did -- Augustine, Francis of Assisi, and Ignatius Loyola come readily to mind, and there are so many others. Ask them to pray for you and accompany you on this journey.

This year Ven. Jean Joseph Lataste, OP, will be declared blessed. He is the priest who helped to found the Dominican Sisters of Bethany... and he is famous for the saying, "It is not what you were, nor what you are, but what you will to become that the Lord God sees with His merciful eyes." Check his story here, and let hiim be a special friend to guide you....

[url="http://www.bethanyhouseministry.com/fr_jean_joseph_lataste_op"]http://www.bethanyhouseministry.com/fr_jean_joseph_lataste_op[/url]

[url="http://curia.op.org/en/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=113-jean-joseph-lataste-1832-1869&catid=67-portraits&Itemid=62"]http://curia.op.org/en/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=113-jean-joseph-lataste-1832-1869&catid=67-portraits&Itemid=62[/url]

If you are still looking for a good, solid RCIA program, you might see what is offered in the Dominican parishes or other apostolates near you; they sometimes have the best ones. But look around until you find one that gives you the formation you will need. You might also put a question in Open Mike about if anyone knows of some good RCIA programs in the Michigan area.... bet someone does.

You will be in my prayers in a very special way.... and I bet I am not alone. God bless you and give you peace.

[Strictlyinkblot]

God Bless you Clareni. I will pray for you. If it helps I recently read the story of a man who became a priest at age 80. He had entered the seminary as a young man but had to leave because of ill health. His wife made him promise that he would try to become a priest after her death.

Trust in the forgiveness and love of God. Nothing you have done can separate you from Him if you say you're sorry. I know I'm a sinner and I probably sin every day but I know He is just waiting for me to say sorry so He can envelope me in His love

Edited March 29, 2012 by Strictlyinkblot

[miles Christi]

[size=3][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]+[/font][/size]

[size=3][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Ave Dear Phriend in Christ,[/font][/size]

[size=3][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]“What can I do now to give up everything and follow him?” you ask…[/font][/size]
[size=3][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]… With one hand hold fast to the hand of our Queen and with the other the precious hand of our King and simply "[i]Duc in altum![/i]" Lk 5:4[/font][/size]

[size=3][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]“[i]Do not be afraid any longer, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom.[/i][i] Sell your belongings and give alms[/i].” Lk 12:32-33[/font][/size]

[size=3][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][i]“For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible[/i].” Mt 19:26[/font][/size]

[size=3][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Fiat voluntas Dei![/font][/size]

[size=3][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]w/ prayers[/font][/size]

[marigold]

I forgot to thank you for your prayers on the Orthodox Nuns thread, so - thank you very much! I think it's absolutely wonderful that you're trying to find a way to serve the Lord and trying to find the fullness of his Church. I always look forward to reading your posts and all I've seen from you is thoughtfulness, compassion and taking an interest in others. Essential gifts for all kinds of ministry. You're in my prayers.

[HopefulBride]

[quote name='Clareni' timestamp='1332997473' post='2409944']
As a young man in a turbulent time, I felt the call of God so strong, and so real, I could imagine nothing else for my life. I loved the church and I wanted to enter into its heart, as close to the savior as possible on this earth. That was a long time ago and I did not follow him. I was born on the wrong side of the Protestant divide and feared the loss of my family’s love, and so I looked longingly over that border, and never crossed. I knew his call to give up everything and I did not. Instead I lived the live of Ignatius Loyola in reverse, and became a soldier (not that I was a saint before).

My life was my life and I accept everything that has come since. Nietzsche was wrong in proclaiming what does not kill you makes you stronger What did not kill me crippled me emotionally and psychologically and left me depressed and fearful and haunted by the past. I could not forget God, but I could push him far away and to my shame I did.
That is what allowed me and comrades I served with to act with callous brutality as we sometimes did. That is what lead me to degrade women in the bars and brothels where soldiers are not heroes.

For all these sins I am so sorry. For all these sins I beg God for forgiveness and I have vowed to the blessed virgin that I will honor and support our holy sisters the rest of my life as a sign of my repentance. For all the pain in my heart I live with every day, I accept as a reminder of all the pain I have caused.

What does it mean to feel now that God still wants the broken remains of my life?
What can I offer him? What can I offer a church I love but struggle to understand enough to embrace? What can I do now to give up everything and follow him?

To have a late, late vocation means to find the very essence and let go of the externals. To try and do what is right at the very end is to humble oneself beyond what is humanely possibly by human will alone. To follow this path is to take only what little I know and can and do and offer it all, without reservation, to a suffering humanity in his name.

I am not sure of the specific form this will take but I am learning, and praying, and preparing.
[/quote]

This is such a humbling and beautiful post! Thank you for sharing it, you are definitely in my prayers. May Our Blessed Mother guide you as you journey to God's will for you.

[Lisa]

Clareni, I will pray for you as your journey home. Just remember all the saints who had crazy pasts and trust in His mercy!

Offtopic: AnneLinne, where did you find that quote from? I want to learn more about him!

[AnneLine]

Clareni, forgive me for responding to Lisa's question in the middle of yours... but you might enjoy learning more about Fr. Lataste as well...

Clarni, thank you for your kindness in letting us use your thread!

You might be interested in knowing that one of the things about Bethany is that they don't have an upper age limit, and they don't care about anyone's past .... they just want women who are trying to live lives of loving reparation.

Who knows... perhaps God could lead you to a similar vocation for men... if it doesnt' exist, it should....


Lisa, for more info about Fr. Lataste, obviously, you can start with the two links I already posted:

[url="http://www.bethanyhouseministry.com/fr_jean_joseph_lataste_op"][color=#664466]http://www.bethanyho...seph_lataste_op[/color][/url]

[url="http://curia.op.org/en/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=113-jean-joseph-lataste-1832-1869&catid=67-portraits&Itemid=62"][color=#664466]http://curia.op.org/...raits&Itemid=62[/color][/url]


I can't enourage you enough to look for the book [u][i]Five for Sorrow, Ten for Joy[/i][/u], by Rumer Godden. It's just been reprinted, and I am sure some of the older copies are find-able on Amazon and in used book stores, too.

Just reissued by Loyola Press in softcover... but you can do better with older editions.

New edition link has a good review of the book and a 'look inside' preview available....

[url="http://www.amazon.com/Five-Sorrow-Ten-Loyola-Classics/dp/0829424733"]http://www.amazon.com/Five-Sorrow-Ten-Loyola-Classics/dp/0829424733[/url]

However... here's a used hardcover that is VERY reasonably priced
[url="http://www.amazon.com/Five-Sorrow-Ten-1979-Hardcover/dp/B005PGPBH6/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1333187354&sr=1-5"]http://www.amazon.com/Five-Sorrow-Ten-1979-Hardcover/dp/B005PGPBH6/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1333187354&sr=1-5[/url]

The novel is based on several actual people (including Fr. Lataste) and a fictionalized character of a woman named Lise (!) who enters that community after being convicted of a violent crime and living out her prison sentence. (I am not going to give away the rest story...

I will warn any potential readers that this book pulls no punches about her past or that of some of the other sisters......) I've had at least one person return it with a shocked refusal after starting to read it! So you are warned!

In the course of the book, the story of Fr. Lataste and how the Dominican Sisters of Bethany were founded is told. I first encountered that quote -- and his beautiful spirituality -- there. I'm going to type in a bit of the book, because it helps to frame the quote.

So you will understand what you are reading, after Lise has become a member of the Community, she is chosen as one of the Sisters who goes to visit the prison. At one point Sr. Marie Lise is recognized as a former prisoner (she has a distinctive scar), and the prisoners are startled and shocked to learn of her past--and some are mocking. The other Sister who is with Sr. Lise (Soeur Marie Mercedes) comes to her defense, and quotes Father Lataste as she does so:

==============================================================================

[indent=1]There was surprse at Le Fouest (the prison) when Lise had appeared next morning and with some a backlash: a few of the women came expressly to look at her. "So--you were one of us." Usually it was said with astonishment, but sometimes with arms akimbo or a toss of the head. "One of us!"[/indent]
[indent=1]"Yes."[/indent]
[indent=1]"[i]Quel dommage![/i] Pity!" And the tongue came out.[/indent]
[indent=1]There was also genuine bewilderment. "Why did you pretend?"[/indent]
[indent=1]"I didn't pretend."[/indent]
[indent=1]"If she were pretending she wouldn't be here now, would she?" For once Soeur Marie Mercedes's voice was rough.[/indent]
[indent=1]"I--suppose not. I never thought of that."[/indent]
[indent=1]"Well--think." Then the voice became as tender as it had been severe and Soeur Marie Mercedes quoted what Pere Lataste had said and she had quoted a thousand times before. "It's not what you were, but what you are now and what you want to be, that God beholds with his merciful eyes."[/indent]

==================================================================================

A non-fiction book that is out of print, very expensive (and a somewhat poor translation) is [i]Hope Beyond Hope: The Story of the Dominican Sisters of Bethany [/i]by Sr. Emmanuel-Marie, OP.

[url="http://www.amazon.com/Hope-Beyond-Dominican-Sisters-Bethany/dp/0911782583"]http://www.amazon.co...y/dp/0911782583[/url]

You might be able to find someone with a copy... or in a library? The Amazon review does do a good overview of the book... and offers some other ideas on finding info or Fr. Lataste.


Here's another article on Fr. Lataste, with an interesting link about his beatification/gravesite:
[url="http://theonetruefaith-faith.blogspot.com/2011/05/apostle-of-prisons.html"]http://theonetruefai...of-prisons.html[/url]

Also, there was a previous PHATMass thread on Fr. Lataste & Bethany:
[url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/89298-now-in-print/"]http://www.phatmass....8-now-in-print/[/url]

In case you are curious... The Bethany Dominican Sisters are now only in Europe, but there is a US community (Community of the Resurrection) that is emerging out of the remains the previous Bethany Foundation (the sisters were recalled to France, but several members chose to stay here to keep the spirituality going... and a new community is forming. Exciting!

[url="http://www.communityoftheresurrection.com/"]http://www.community...surrection.com/[/url]


[color=#ff0000]And lastly... for something that is truly incredible:[/color] This PDF is the story of the founding of a chapter of the Dominican Laity IN A PRISON, and includes the story of Fr. Lataste as a prologue. It also details how one of the Bethany Domnican Sisters contacted the Prior General of the Dominicans and paved the way for this to happen... such a wonderful story!

[url="http://bethanyhouseministry.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/docs/awordofhope_final.18064237.pdf"]http://bethanyhousem...al.18064237.pdf[/url]

Hope this helps, Lisa -- PM me if you want more info.

Sorry for the Semi Hijack!

Edited March 31, 2012 by AnneLine

[miles Christi]

+

There is a wonderful and very beautifully done film called Ostrov (The Island) in case you haven't seen it yet...
The film is focused on father Anatoly's repentance of his sins.
The [url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patriarch_of_Moscow"]Patriarch of Moscow[/url], [url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patriarch_Alexius_II"]Alexei II[/url], praised [i]Ostrov[/i] for its profound depiction of faith and monastic life.

you can pretty much watch the whole thing on youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HehNS7zfnA4
enjoy

[marigold]

I LOVED that film. Recommend it highly.

[marigold]

Speaking of films about Russian island monasteries, I think this is pretty co.ol. There is a bit of the tonsure service near the beginning.

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GKWe0k6_04&feature=player_embedded"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GKWe0k6_04&feature=player_embedded[/url]

[Divine Mercy 9999]

Prayers for you as you find your way. Offer every minute up to God - eating, sleeping, praying, laughing. Everything.

[AnneLine]

great videos!

Mini hijack - Bumping this primarily so Lisa is sure to see that I responded to her question about Fr. Lataste a few responses ago.

Now returning the thread to the spirit in which it was intended

.... back in the ranks, Thread!

[Lisa]

yes, I did- thank you, Anne Linne!

[Clareni]

Thank you so much, my dear friends in Christ. Your wonderful responses were very helpful to me and I deeply appreciate them. I wrote this reflection only because someone here at Phatmass suggested I share my story. I struggled with this but decided to go ahead and do it. It was a very painful process and I wanted to quit many times before summoning the will to hit "post."

After that I prayed and prayed to Our Lady of Sheshan and to Blessed John of Parma, and completed what religious exercises I know to try and reach some understanding of what I should do next. What happened then was that in the midst of all this emotional turmoil, I felt the compassion of Mary and endless love of our Lord. I felt it in my heart as real and as present as I once loved God and wanted to serve him in my youth. I can not really describe the overwhelming power of that experience but everything else vanished and I knelt there weeping not from pain, but from the relief that it is not too late.

I thank you my dear friends and love all of you.

I know what to do. The path will not be easy but I also know Jesus will be there with me and help me to endure whatever fear and pain must be a part of this journey. At the end is the limitless light of God and the perfect peace we will all share together.