EmilyAnn Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 I just don't know what I'm doing any more. I'm stuck with my family and I love them but I feel completely trapped here. I don't feel like I can be myself, I feel constantly stressed and on edge. My mother makes it as difficult as possible for me to go to Mass and eventually I just give in and don't go. She just completely breaks me down until I can't be bothered to fight her. We were talking the other day about what I'll do after university. She's pushing for me to do a Master's but I don't want to anymore though I don't feel I can say that because she gets so judging and disapproving and I just crumble. I hinted at something else I was interested in and she just completely shot it down and now I can't say anything again because I know how she'll be. Just after that she mentioned religious life and I had this great plan to say I was discerning but she'd already just broken me down so much that I'd given up. She has that effect on me. I keep thinking about St. Cecilia's. I long for that life so much, the desire goes so much deeper than anything else. I think about St. Cecilia's and wish I was there. Every time things are difficult with my mother and I try to push it away it just comes back, I can't fight it. But I also feel like I can't accept it and it's like I'm in limbo and can't go anywhere because both paths just look so awful. I can't face my mother but I also can't face not following my call. I wish I could go home but I can't without getting into even more debt that I am already. I'm looking for a job and my mother is pushing for me to stay here but I just can't do it. The extra debt seems almost worth it just for the sake of my sanity. Once I found work I'd pay it off fairly quickly. I feel so lost and trapped and confined here. I'm half looking for advice and half just venting. I really am totally lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beatitude Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 I don't know how old you are, but one thing to consider might be a year's residential post as a volunteer. I know some good Catholic organisations that offer lodging, food, and a stipend to cover your expenses while you work with them. This would have three advantages: it would give you time and breathing space away from your family to work out where you need to go next in life, it would prevent you from romanticising St Cecilia's as an escape from your family pressures (and there is a risk of doing that), and it would help you to grow in prayer and love. And of course, be sure to ask the nuns for their prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneLine Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 No great advice, but a lot of prayers for you. Actually, just read Beatitude's post, and it is a VERY good idea! There are even Benedictine communities that offer this kind of an 'internship' opportunity... and having an opportunity like that on your resume would look good for a grad school app if you ever choose to do that, so you can always add that to your discusisons with your mom if needed. It's really hard to figure out your options when your mom is knocking down options like that, but she means well.... Another thing that might be good is to get away for a little while -- a week or weekend away, on a retreat or just 'away' -- doesn't have to be expensive, but just somewhere where you can look at all of this objectively and work on stragegy... and talk to God about what He wants... and what you want... and what might be the better options (St. Ignatius says it is crazy-making to try to find the 'best' alternative, and I agree with him!) that are available to you? Hope this helps - and I will hold you in prayer... I bet we all will.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyAnn Posted April 22, 2012 Author Share Posted April 22, 2012 [quote name='beatitude' timestamp='1335136966' post='2421974'] I don't know how old you are, but one thing to consider might be a year's residential post as a volunteer. I know some good Catholic organisations that offer lodging, food, and a stipend to cover your expenses while you work with them. This would have three advantages: it would give you time and breathing space away from your family to work out where you need to go next in life, it would prevent you from romanticising St Cecilia's as an escape from your family pressures (and there is a risk of doing that), and it would help you to grow in prayer and love. And of course, be sure to ask the nuns for their prayers. [/quote] I am 21, I'll be 22 by the time I graduate next summer. The volunteer things sounds like it could be an amesome, do you know of any specific organisations? I am very careful not to romanticise, university has already given me the escape from my family. Being there and feeling free and like I can be myself and relaxing only to then come back here and be dragged down again is just very frustrating. But you are right that having time out would be good to help keep from romanticising. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaeology cat Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 Praying for you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImageTrinity Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 Here are two volunteer organizations. CapCorp gives up to 5,000 for student loan repayment. [url="http://www.capcorps.org/who/who.shtml"]http://www.capcorps.org/who/who.shtml[/url] [url="https://www.catholicvolunteernetwork.org/"]https://www.catholicvolunteernetwork.org/[/url] Praying for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mantellata Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 University might be less of an "escape" and really a chance to experience "reality". Since you are 22, a job makes sense... and an apartment - as soon as you can afford one! If you know you have a vocation - and you have that longing in your heart, racking up debt makes no sense. Plus - there is nothing to say you can't get a Masters later as well. Sheesh - if you go to Nashville you likely will end up with an MA... or more! A child leaving home is more difficult for some parents than for others. My mother was ultimately thrilled with my vocation - and now knows (10 years later) that I'm not myself - and not happy living in the world. At the beginning however, even though she was supportive she struggled [b]big[/b] time..... and was very passionate and vocal in her dislike of convent rules etc.... What I see now is that she needed time and love to grow as well. That being said.... making the choice to live apart if you know that is what allows you to exercise your adulthood is not in any way [i]hurting[/i] her. Her own attachment to you is causing the hurt and that's just part of being a mother. Time, grace and love will make all things turn out for the glory of God in the end.. Have no fear - trust Him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marigold Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Hope things get easier soon Emily. I'm praying for you and mum! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AccountDeleted Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 [url="http://www.catholicvolunteering.org/"]http://www.catholicvolunteering.org/[/url] [url="https://www.catholicvolunteernetwork.org/"]https://www.catholicvolunteernetwork.org/[/url] [url="http://crs.org/about/careers/volunteer/"]http://crs.org/about/careers/volunteer/[/url] I don't know any of these personally, but all you have to do is Google catholic volunteers and you will find a whole list of organizations. I am sure that your parish priest will know of some as well. Regina Laudis and Our Lady of the Rock monasteries both offer land-care intern programs from several months to a year, but they do not pay a stipend as some of the volunteer organizations do - only room and board. Some volunteer orgs also help with student loans. But you sound tired, so maybe you need to rest a little and find time to pray alone before you jump into any life changing decisions. St Ignatius cautions us never to make any changes while we are in a state of desolation, and it certainly sounds as if that's where you are right now. Your physical condition can also affect your mental and emotional attitude, so I suggest taking a step back from the serious issues for a little while (even a very short break can help) and let your body and mind have a little R&R before trying to move on again. Prayers for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mantellata Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Yes.... take it from nunsense and not from me...... sleep fixes most things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneLine Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 that and a cup of coffee... or reasonable amounts whatever appeals to you .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Strictlyinkblot Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 I don't have much advice but lots of prayers. Your mother may be frightened about you entering, mine was especially when I was talking about joining an order abroad. Also if she's anti-religion (I'm only guessing from what you've said) she could well have a lot of strange ideas about religious life. At some point it might be an idea for her to meet some of the nuns at St. Cecilia's. Talk to them about it and see if they have any advice. Having said all that if you can live away from home, do. It'll give you space to breathe away from all the pressure. As the others have said it sounds like you need a break. If you can't afford much maybe look at doing a private retreat in a monastery where you're not interested in discerning so you're not putting yourself under any pressure. Also, I don't know what you're doing your degree in but is it possible to get work in your university? In my college students who had finished their degrees helped out with tutorials, gave guided tours (its a really old university, founded by Elizabeth I), helped supervise exams etc. I know those jobs are probably at a premium but don't ask, don't get. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carmelshrimp Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Sounds like things are rough for you just now. You're in my prayers. My family was poisonous and I couldn't wait to get away from them, so I have some idea what it's like. The only thing I can offer (apart from the prayers) is that making the decision to follow your own path only has to happen once. After that you and your family are in a process of adjustment and eventually things settle down - and God's a sucker for saving us from our seemingly hopeless situations so keep trusting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marigold Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 [quote name='Carmelshrimp' timestamp='1335184318' post='2422119'] making the decision to follow your own path only has to happen once. After that you and your family are in a process of adjustment [/quote] That is actually quite profound. I have never considered that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie12 Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 You --> <-- Me Just remeber that if the future looks daugnting everything comes one moment at a time. God never gives you anything you can't handle. Trust in Jesus and he will lead you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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