Totally Lost

[Theresita Nerita]

Prayers for you!

I think the volunteer idea is good. As I've mentioned on here before, I did a volunteer year with the Sisters of Mercy (mercyvolunteers.org). You get student loan deferral, I think, and you can get an Americorps award toward your educational expenses. (Assuming you're American of course.)

It was a really good way to figure out direction and get out of the family/school/debt cycle.

Caveat: MVC is very theologically liberal and very laid-back even compared to other volunteer orgs like JVC. And if you're a hardcore nun-type, you may be disappointed when you're chilling with liberal plainclothes nuns in cushy beachfront villas and/or having pool parties and calling it "simplicity."

That said, it's sweet. If only as a way to sit back and assess your life without racking up any debt or having any expenses for a year.

[HopefulBride]

EmilyAnn,

Wish I could give you a virtual hug at least I have come to realize that in life and especially in discernment, we all have our crosses. In the beginning I rejoiced in the fact that my family was so supportive but now I look at what my particular cross is and I'm trying to embrace it. I look around VS and I see all the many crosses that we discerners are doing our best to embrace. Whether it's waiting for psych results, trying to figure out a way to eliminate student loans, waiting patiently for visas etc.... The Lord gives us all our own crosses based on what graces we need, just try and focus on whatever grace the Lord is trying to give you through this cross and do your best to embrace it and be thankful.

You are definitely in my prayers during this time.

[marigold]

EA, I was reading your original post again and thought of 2 things -

1. It's normal to feel trapped/suffocated by being at home at your/our age (not a big difference 'tween us! ) I had to talk to a lot of people to realise this didn't mean I had a bad relationship with my family. You surely know this but it's good to reiterate

2. What would happen in your ideal world with only you choosing? Real life obvs doesn't work like this but it can be helpful to sort out who's wanting what

[krissylou]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1335137250' post='2421978']
I am 21, I'll be 22 by the time I graduate next summer. The volunteer things sounds like it could be an amesome, do you know of any specific organisations?
[/quote]

I can't help you in the UK but I know plenty in the US. PM me if you wanna chat.

An idea -- contact a local active community in the UK that you respect (yes yes I know you think your vocation is to be a contemplative, and that's fine, but I'm sure there are active communities that you think are truly excellent but not for you, and some other communities that you think are not so excellent at all. Talk to some that you think are grand) and ask if they know about any such volunteer programs. I think they're becoming more common. Jesuit Volunteer Corps has been around for 50-60 years but I think lots more communities (liberal, conservative, in between) are developing them in recent years.

[EmilyAnn]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I haven't forgotten about this topic, I've just been taking a few days to calm down a bit and think about everything you've said. I have to go to work in a few minutes but I'll reply to you all properly when I get back.

[EmilyAnn]

I looked at volunteering a while back but for some reason I dismissed the idea. Probably because of my mother, I think she'd see it as a waste. I'd even found a program I was interested in. I haven't mentioned it to my mother but I may bring up the idea next time we talk about my future plans. I've mentioned before I want to do something meaningful that would make a difference in the world.

[quote name='Strictlyinkblot' timestamp='1335159963' post='2422069']
I don't have much advice but lots of prayers. Your mother may be frightened about you entering, mine was especially when I was talking about joining an order abroad. Also if she's anti-religion (I'm only guessing from what you've said) she could well have a lot of strange ideas about religious life. At some point it might be an idea for her to meet some of the nuns at St. Cecilia's. Talk to them about it and see if they have any advice. Having said all that if you can live away from home, do. It'll give you space to breathe away from all the pressure.
[/quote]


I don't think she's anti-religion as such, she's anti-"too much" religion. Being a nun definitely fits into that category! I do hope she could meet the nuns at St. Cecilia's, I know it would help her so much.

[EmilyAnn]

I know it's impossible but I wish there was a way to do this without causing her pain. I can deal with my own struggles and my own difficulties but I hate the thought that my decision will cause other people to suffer, especially people I love. I can't help but feel responsible and I'm the sort of person that when I see that someone is in pain I try and fix it. I'm a people-pleaser by nature, especially when it comes to my family. My father and I are estranged and have been for years so I don't want to alienate the only parent I have left but I also can't live a life dictated by what she wants for me.

I wish I could see a way out but I just can't.

I also wish I could get her to the stage where she would meet the sisters and see that it's not like she thinks it is. She and the novice mistress at St Cecilia's have a mutual friend who has visited Sister at the abbey (the family are very devout), he went to university with Sister and worked with my mother when we were overseas. Even something little like that I think could help her see it's not the black hole she seems to think it is. But I can't even see how I could get her to that stage.

Edited April 27, 2012 by EmilyAnn

[Strictlyinkblot]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1335553463' post='2423990']
I know it's impossible but I wish there was a way to do this without causing her pain. I can deal with my own struggles and my own difficulties but I hate the thought that my decision will cause other people to suffer, especially people I love. I can't help but feel responsible and I'm the sort of person that when I see that someone is in pain I try and fix it. I'm a people-pleaser by nature, especially when it comes to my family. My father and I are estranged and have been for years so I don't want to alienate the only parent I have left but I also can't live a life dictated by what she wants for me.

I wish I could see a way out but I just can't.
[/quote]

If she's like most mothers she loves you and wants what's best for you. You can't shelter her from pain anymore then I could shelter my mother. A lot of the time they want to stop us from making mistakes because they've lived more of life then us. Baby steps.

My mother is now very supportive of my decision. I know it was a real struggle for her especially as she is often unwell and I'm the only daughter. I'll pray for her and you. Once she sees that this is what will make you happy she will probably come around. Sorry, I know that's not very helpful.

[AnneLine]

Emily Ann, I've tried to get onto the board to post this for a few days now.... and I don't want to try re-reading every post so I could hav forgotten something...

If it were me... I wouldn't try to push the religious life thing so much with your mother. Right now she's scared and resistant to anything not becuase of what religious life IS but because of what she has told herself it is and/or is afraid of what it might be. She doesnt' want you hurt... she doesn't want to lose you. That really is kind of sweet, when you think of it. If you keep trying to tell her how wonderful you think it is, she'll just get more and more resistant. (I am saying this as someone who has done this, and has helped a LOT of other people bring their parents around,, by the way.)

I'd look for a good volunteer and/or internship program. If you can find one with a religious community and/or at a benedictine monastery or a retreat house, great.... otherwise, find a good secular one. If you are called to religious life, any skills and experience you get will be used by your community when the time comes. If not, they will still serve you in good stead. They will also give you good things to put on an application for grad school if you ever want to do this... and you can stress that with your mom.

You'll do better in grad school or a convent with some real-world experience before you go. I wouldn't even mention the convent in words for a while.... you will need to show her you are happy and when the time comes, you will do it and she will come along. NunMother has said on several threads that she was resistant at first but eventually came around. I know many people whose parents were resistant and sometimes downright hostile, but you can't argue this one out in words. Just love her, pray for her, and 'way will open' as the Quakers say....

Holding you in prayer....

[EmilyAnn]

[quote name='Strictlyinkblot' timestamp='1335553898' post='2423998']
If she's like most mothers she loves you and wants what's best for you. You can't shelter her from pain anymore then I could shelter my mother. A lot of the time they want to stop us from making mistakes because they've lived more of life then us. Baby steps.

My mother is now very supportive of my decision. I know it was a real struggle for her especially as she is often unwell and I'm the only daughter. I'll pray for her and you. Once she sees that this is what will make you happy she will probably come around. Sorry, I know that's not very helpful.
[/quote]

It is helpful! There's a part of me that knows that, I do kind of blame myself for the way I told her because I could have done it a lot better. I kind of panicked and I should have trusted my gut that it wasn't the right time.

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1335554325' post='2424000']
Emily Ann, I've tried to get onto the board to post this for a few days now.... and I don't want to try re-reading every post so I could hav forgotten something...

If it were me... I wouldn't try to push the religious life thing so much with your mother. Right now she's scared and resistant to anything not becuase of what religious life IS but because of what she has told herself it is and/or is afraid of what it might be. She doesnt' want you hurt... she doesn't want to lose you. That really is kind of sweet, when you think of it. If you keep trying to tell her how wonderful you think it is, she'll just get more and more resistant. (I am saying this as someone who has done this, and has helped a LOT of other people bring their parents around,, by the way.)

I'd look for a good volunteer and/or internship program. If you can find one with a religious community and/or at a benedictine monastery or a retreat house, great.... otherwise, find a good secular one. If you are called to religious life, any skills and experience you get will be used by your community when the time comes. If not, they will still serve you in good stead. They will also give you good things to put on an application for grad school if you ever want to do this... and you can stress that with your mom.

You'll do better in grad school or a convent with some real-world experience before you go. I wouldn't even mention the convent in words for a while.... you will need to show her you are happy and when the time comes, you will do it and she will come along. NunMother has said on several threads that she was resistant at first but eventually came around. I know many people whose parents were resistant and sometimes downright hostile, but you can't argue this one out in words. Just love her, pray for her, and 'way will open' as the Quakers say....

Holding you in prayer....
[/quote]

I think you may be right that not pushing it at the moment is a good way to go. My sister leaves for university in the fall and I think with that looming now isn't the best time. My parents separated many years ago and she doesn't have much family so I think she's scared of us leaving her all alone.

I am looking at a volunteer program that is connected to a religious community. I think it would be a good experience to have, whether I entered or not. The program I'm looking into would let me volunteer in my native country which would mean a lot to me.

[AnneLine]

That sounds like a sensible plan, Emily Ann... and very sensitive insights about your mom, especially given the family dynamics. My parents were separated too, and I don't have siblings, and I know that was a HUGE fear on the part of both my parents....

Prayer for all of you.

Hope you find the ideal program. Benedictines are into hospitality, so anything that will let you build up skills in community living and in managing groups of people/events/spirituality/social services would be helpful I would think.... or teaching, or anything, really... it's more about the experience.. And, as I indicated, if at some point you (or your community) wants you to look at additional studies, a good internship/volunteer year always looks good on an app.....

[marigold]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1335558398' post='2424066']
The program I'm looking into would let me volunteer in my native country which would mean a lot to me.
[/quote]

What's your native country? I thought you were as English as English can be!

[EmilyAnn]

[quote name='marigold' timestamp='1335563219' post='2424109']
What's your native country? I thought you were as English as English can be!
[/quote]

I'm only half English. My father is Brazilian and though I've never lived there (I was a teenager before I even came to England) I have a great affinity for Brazil and do consider it my homeland to a great extent. Most of my family is there, including my brothers, my niece, and my godparents. Though I do sound as English as English can be.

[marigold]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1335567009' post='2424124']
I'm only half English. My father is Brazilian and though I've never lived there (I was a teenager before I even came to England) I have a great affinity for Brazil and do consider it my homeland to a great extent. Most of my family is there, including my brothers, my niece, and my godparents. Though I do sound as English as English can be.
[/quote]

Nice! People never guess that I'm half Swedish. My dad is one of those randomly Semitic-looking English guys and I got his colouring. My mum is true to stereotype though

[EmilyAnn]

I was looking through a tumblr blog of nun pictures and the ones of the recent solemn profession and some other from St C's came up. I want to be there so much it hurts. I've only been into the church but I know I [i]belong[/i] on the other side of that grille. That is where God wants me to be, I feel that more surely than anything I've ever felt before. I know I can't be there, not yet, but I wish I was.

[quote name='marigold' timestamp='1335606716' post='2424327']
Nice! People never guess that I'm half Swedish. My dad is one of those randomly Semitic-looking English guys and I got his colouring. My mum is true to stereotype though
[/quote]

People never automatically peg me as being Latin American but once they find out they kind of go "ah I see!" I've got the Latin colouring, olive skin and dark hair. My sister has always been dead opposite, she looks so English.