Torn, Confused...

[Spem in alium]

Hi everyone.

I'm 20 and female. I was raised Catholic, but never really embraced my faith until recently. This year I've gone through quite a significant spiritual change, and it's encouraged me to question my vocation and to set about discerning a possible call to religious life. But I'm so confused and lost...

On the one hand, I'm becoming more and more attracted to the idea of religious life. When I'm in church or in prayer, I'm filled with a peace and calm that I don't get anywhere else - maybe this is not specific to people with a religious calling, but it strikes me as important because I've never felt that way before. A couple of times I've actually been emotionally affected when thinking about Christ in the Eucharist, reading Scripture and following Reconciliation. I am growing in faith and I welcome the growth, but a part of me is still unsatisfied with continuing life as it is. I want to be with God more and more, in ways that aren't possible to me right now. I want to give my life to Him, I want to learn. I see religious men and women and feel so inspired by their call and ministry.

But on the other, part of me has always wanted to be married and have children. I've never been in a romantic relationship, and I guess the romantic side of me wants to experience that somehow.Of course, having Christ as my Spouse would be just incredible, but there's still a physical love I feel myself longing for. At the moment, I feel myself strongly attracted to someone, and I've never felt that way about anyone before. Part of me wants to pursue the feelings I have, but deep down I'm struggling.

I'm unsure as to whether my feelings are actually coming from God, or whether they're a normal growth or a product of my own desires. I have already met with a priest to talk about things, and am meeting with another soon, but I still feel very lost. The idea of religious life is becoming more and more attractive to me each time I think about it, but I still have concerns and this hang-up about making the wrong choice.

And part of me can't accept that God wants me to serve Him as a religious. I'm so messed-up, it's kind of unbelievable to think that He could be calling ME to be something more.

I guess I'm just asking for any kind of advice or support possible. All I want to do is to serve God and love Christ, no matter where I end up.

Any help would be so appreciated. God bless.

[Strictlyinkblot]

Hi and welcome

Do you have a spiritual director? If not have you talked to a priest about your feelings? Its normal to have a pull towards both religious and married life. That doesn't mean you don't have a vocation but don't be in a rush. You say you've only recently embraced your faith so maybe your feelings are connected with a spiritual renewal. Talking to someone experienced in these matters can help you sort this out.

Having said that have a look online at different orders. Is there a particular spirituality that you feel a pull towards? Read some of the classic spiritual books, not too many because you'll end up confused. Personally I love St. Therese's writing. Look at some of the threads on here about different orders.

If you can consider going on a few discernment retreats. The DSMME retreats have a very good reputation for helping young women explore their vocation in life, they don't just focus on their order.

And most importantly pray. I'll pray for you. God bless.

[marigold]

Honey you have come to the right place! I'm actually laughing as I write this because I just know sooo many people on here would swear they could have written the same thing.

I'll pray for you! Let us know how things go!

[marigold]

ooops double post

Edited April 27, 2012 by marigold

[maximillion]

Hang ups about making the wrong chice affect every one of us, whatever it is we think our future might hold. One thing for certain, until you have some real experience of starting a discernment you will never find out.
Discernment is the process of starting to find out, so yes, think about where your inclinations lie.
Active?
Contemplative?
Penitential or not....?

Start by spending more time with Him, in Adoration before the Tabernacle, in private prayer, since this is the basis of a life in Religion, and see where He takes you.
Don't worry, he has you by the hand...........

[LaPetiteSoeur]

Like Inkblot, I suggest you find spiritual director. If you are at a university, contact the Catholic Center; they usually have spiritual direction available. If you are at home, contact your local priest or a community of sisters.

Vocation match is a good spot to start out with. You answer a bunch of questions and the program matches you with communities that share your interests. IT also gives you the option of conacting the religious orders, and they can help you form there.

Frequent reception of the sacraments, spiritual reading, getting involved in your parish, are all important things in discernment. We're praying for you!

[AnneLine]

Welcome to PHATmass. (For some reason we are having a lot of problems with people connecting t the board, or I am sure you would have gotten a bigger !


Your experience is very common, and the best thing to do is just relax and take it slowly. God won't ever force you to do anything...

I second the suggestions of a spiritual director and some good spiritual reading, but if you enjoy just a good read, you might want to look at a novel like Rumer Godden's [i]In this House of Brede [/i]or another less 'theological' book about the religious life... something that will let you 'taste' a bit more about what it is like to wonder if you might have a vocation while not pushing yourself one way or another. If/when you are ready, we can also suggest other good books about religious vocations.

Yes, your experience is common. But it's also uniquely yours! The most important thing is to just trust that you and God want a deeper relationship, and that as you get more comfortable in that relationship, you will know how the two of you want to proceed...

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='Strictlyinkblot' timestamp='1335543581' post='2423950']
Hi and welcome

Do you have a spiritual director? If not have you talked to a priest about your feelings? Its normal to have a pull towards both religious and married life. That doesn't mean you don't have a vocation but don't be in a rush. You say you've only recently embraced your faith so maybe your feelings are connected with a spiritual renewal. Talking to someone experienced in these matters can help you sort this out.

Having said that have a look online at different orders. Is there a particular spirituality that you feel a pull towards? Read some of the classic spiritual books, not too many because you'll end up confused. Personally I love St. Therese's writing. Look at some of the threads on here about different orders.

If you can consider going on a few discernment retreats. The DSMME retreats have a very good reputation for helping young women explore their vocation in life, they don't just focus on their order.

And most importantly pray. I'll pray for you. God bless.
[/quote]

Thank you

I don't have a director. I spoke to a priest a couple of weeks ago and he encouraged me to keep searching. One of my family's closest friends is a priest, so I'm also planning to speak with him. The last thing I really want to do is rush. I'm still studying, and I don't want to make any quick decisions on such an important thing.
Admittedly I've always been spiritual, I was an altar server for about seven or eight years, have done a bit of liturgy work and am an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. I just never really felt "in touch" with my faith.
I'm attracted to a few orders. One of my friends joined the Domincan Sisters of St. Cecilia a little while ago, and I've researched them a little. I would like to be able to use my skills wherever I go. Prayer life is important for me, but I also feel that I would be able to give and receive most from being active in the community. I need to do a lot more research, but I know some basic points of attraction for me. I'll definitely look at St. Therese, as I'm interested also in the Carmelites
Yeah, I would like to go on a retreat sometime. I know of a few around, so I'm going to try and get to one before things get too busy for me.



[quote name='marigold' timestamp='1335544088' post='2423953']
Honey you have come to the right place! I'm actually laughing as I write this because I just know sooo many people on here would swear they could have written the same thing.

I'll pray for you! Let us know how things go!
[/quote]

Aha, thank you! I guess it is a common feeling

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='maximillion' timestamp='1335548072' post='2423963']
Hang ups about making the wrong chice affect every one of us, whatever it is we think our future might hold. One thing for certain, until you have some real experience of starting a discernment you will never find out.
Discernment is the process of starting to find out, so yes, think about where your inclinations lie.
Active?
Contemplative?
Penitential or not....?

Start by spending more time with Him, in Adoration before the Tabernacle, in private prayer, since this is the basis of a life in Religion, and see where He takes you.
Don't worry, he has you by the hand...........
[/quote]


Thank you At the moment, I'm most interested in active & contemplative orders. I have begun to spend time in Adoration each week, go to Mass most days and pray the Rosary either during Adoration or with a group. These have been such enriching practices for me, I find myself just wanting to spend more time with God. I'm making more of an attempt to read Scripture regularly too. I feel myself becoming more fulfilled this way, but I know that there is so much more I can do.

[quote name='LaPetiteSoeur' timestamp='1335548881' post='2423964']
Like Inkblot, I suggest you find spiritual director. If you are at a university, contact the Catholic Center; they usually have spiritual direction available. If you are at home, contact your local priest or a community of sisters.

Vocation match is a good spot to start out with. You answer a bunch of questions and the program matches you with communities that share your interests. IT also gives you the option of conacting the religious orders, and they can help you form there.

Frequent reception of the sacraments, spiritual reading, getting involved in your parish, are all important things in discernment. We're praying for you!
[/quote]

Thank you I know of someone who could possibly be my spiritual director. I checked out that vocation match site - thanks for the tip, it was amazing! I got about 120 matches, most from orders I hadn't even known about or considered Some of the most compatible ones were orders I'd been looking into already, so that was interesting.
I'll keep up what I'm doing and try to get more involved

[LaPetiteSoeur]

[quote name='Spem in alium' timestamp='1335561181' post='2424090']

Thank you At the moment, I'm most interested in active & contemplative orders. I have begun to spend time in Adoration each week, go to Mass most days and pray the Rosary either during Adoration or with a group. These have been such enriching practices for me, I find myself just wanting to spend more time with God. I'm making more of an attempt to read Scripture regularly too. I feel myself becoming more fulfilled this way, but I know that there is so much more I can do.



Thank you I know of someone who could possibly be my spiritual director. I checked out that vocation match site - thanks for the tip, it was amazing! I got about 120 matches, most from orders I hadn't even known about or considered Some of the most compatible ones were orders I'd been looking into already, so that was interesting.
I'll keep up what I'm doing and try to get more involved
[/quote]

Isn't it razzle dazzle?! My number one match (with 97%) were the sisters who taught me in high school. That was so razzle dazzle!

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1335551884' post='2423976']
Welcome to PHATmass. (For some reason we are having a lot of problems with people connecting t the board, or I am sure you would have gotten a bigger !


Your experience is very common, and the best thing to do is just relax and take it slowly. God won't ever force you to do anything...

I second the suggestions of a spiritual director and some good spiritual reading, but if you enjoy just a good read, you might want to look at a novel like Rumer Godden's [i]In this House of Brede [/i]or another less 'theological' book about the religious life... something that will let you 'taste' a bit more about what it is like to wonder if you might have a vocation while not pushing yourself one way or another. If/when you are ready, we can also suggest other good books about religious vocations.

Yes, your experience is common. But it's also uniquely yours! The most important thing is to just trust that you and God want a deeper relationship, and that as you get more comfortable in that relationship, you will know how the two of you want to proceed...
[/quote]

Thank you I'll check out that book. I love religious books, so any suggestions would be warmly welcomed.

For the first time in my life, I feel myself really trusting God. In the past it was always my will before His. Now I just want Him to lead, and I'll be a joyful follower I know that if I can follow Him always, I'll be most at peace. I guess the most difficult part for me right now is working out what He's telling me.

Thank you all for your kind words and your prayers, I really appreciate them. It's so encouraging for me to receive such help in a time when I'm feeling a bit lost. My family have been supportive, but I haven't felt as though I can confide in them totally. At the moment I'm oscillating between feelings of abandonment and experiences of wholeness. For a person who likes being directed and likes having a plan, it's a very unusual and difficult time. This is the first time I've ever communicated all my feelings, and I feel a lot more guided now. So thank you all. God bless.

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='LaPetiteSoeur' timestamp='1335561308' post='2424092']
Isn't it razzle dazzle?! My number one match (with 97%) were the sisters who taught me in high school. That was so razzle dazzle!
[/quote]

It is! My top one was the Sisters of St Francis of Philadelphia, and my second one was the Carmelites. I've never heard of the OSF before, so am going to check them out. The only problem I found was that most of the orders seem to be based in the US, and I'm Australian

[beatitude]

Your posts sound sensible and practical. You are doing the best thing you possibly can: deepening your prayer life, loving God through the things you need to do now (your studies), and not rushing so fast that you escape your thoughts. Keep loving Him as you are doing, and you will very naturally find how He wants you to love Him in the future.

Your mention of the significance of Adoration in your life was the part of your post resonated with my very much. It has a similarly important place in my own life. If you are planning to learn a little about religious communities, it might help to look at communities where Adoration has an important place. Just a thought.

[AnneLine]

One of the Phatmassers, Nunsense, is in the process of entering a Benedictine Monastery in the USA, but she was living in Austrailia before -- she may have some ideas for you. You might want to put a 'note' on her thread 'Monastery of Our Lady of the Rock' or something like that... she posts occasionally here and more often on her blog... check for that thread to find both...

The Carmelite Sisters in California sound a lot like what you may be looking for.... they sent several sisters over the the WLD in Austrailia last year. you might want to check them out to see if you want to find out more about them... or contat them to see if they have an yideas for Austrailia... [url="http://www.carmelitesistersocd.com/"]http://www.carmelitesistersocd.com/[/url]

[EmilyAnn]

[quote name='Spem in alium' timestamp='1335561841' post='2424099']
It is! My top one was the Sisters of St Francis of Philadelphia, and my second one was the Carmelites. I've never heard of the OSF before, so am going to check them out. The only problem I found was that most of the orders seem to be based in the US, and I'm Australian
[/quote]

[url="http://www.vocationoperation.blogspot.com"]This[/url] blog has a directory of religious communities including Australia. Look to the right sidebar and go to "Religious - Australia & New Zealand"

I'm English so I had a similar thing with the vocation match: all the communities were in the US, which was no good to me! What I ended up doing was using it as a starting point for what to look for in UK orders, you could use it in the same way if you wanted to look at Australian communities.

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='beatitude' timestamp='1335564526' post='2424118']
Your posts sound sensible and practical. You are doing the best thing you possibly can: deepening your prayer life, loving God through the things you need to do now (your studies), and not rushing so fast that you escape your thoughts. Keep loving Him as you are doing, and you will very naturally find how He wants you to love Him in the future.

Your mention of the significance of Adoration in your life was the part of your post resonated with my very much. It has a similarly important place in my own life. If you are planning to learn a little about religious communities, it might help to look at communities where Adoration has an important place. Just a thought.
[/quote]

Thank you I prefer to take things slowly than to rush them. I feel that I've grown more even since beginning to think about religious life. When the idea first came, I was very stressed and confused about it. I couldn't think of anything more unknown or terrifying. But now, even though there still is a bit of confusion there, I'm filled with a great peace. I know that if religious life was to be my true calling, I would be able to be happy. Just as I would if I am called to marriage.
Any form of life possesses difficulty. A few people who know of my thoughts have told me to make sure that I'm not trying to escape anything by entering religious life. I've thought about it, and I don't think that's the case with me. My life has been full of challenges, and I know God has been with me always, even when I haven't wanted Him there. God is the beginning and end of all, and you can never escape Him no matter where you go or what you do

I just love to be with God! Nowadays I feel a desire to go to Mass or pray, and I never felt that before (it was always just, "oh yeah, Sunday's come round again, great..."). When in Adoration, I've felt some of the most profound and beautiful things. The other week I was praying the Rosary in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and it was a kind of otherworldly experience, I felt separate from my body in some odd way. If that even makes sense. I will definitely make Adoration a strong point in my search.

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1335566612' post='2424122']
One of the Phatmassers, Nunsense, is in the process of entering a Benedictine Monastery in the USA, but she was living in Austrailia before -- she may have some ideas for you. You might want to put a 'note' on her thread 'Monastery of Our Lady of the Rock' or something like that... she posts occasionally here and more often on her blog... check for that thread to find both...

The Carmelite Sisters in California sound a lot like what you may be looking for.... they sent several sisters over the the WLD in Austrailia last year. you might want to check them out to see if you want to find out more about them... or contat them to see if they have an yideas for Austrailia... [url="http://www.carmelitesistersocd.com/"]http://www.carmelitesistersocd.com/[/url]
[/quote]

Thanks for the tips Haha, the Carmelite sisters came up as my second highest match on the Vocation Match website I do feel an interesting connection with them. For years I've been wearing a Carmelite Scapular Medal, and I only recently realised it had that importance. I also like their promotion of prayer.

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1335567385' post='2424129']
[url="http://www.vocationoperation.blogspot.com"]This[/url] blog has a directory of religious communities including Australia. Look to the right sidebar and go to "Religious - Australia & New Zealand"

I'm English so I had a similar thing with the vocation match: all the communities were in the US, which was no good to me! What I ended up doing was using it as a starting point for what to look for in UK orders, you could use it in the same way if you wanted to look at Australian communities.
[/quote]

Ah, thank you I'll check out that blog in detail and see what interests me.

[beatitude]

[quote name='Spem in alium' timestamp='1335577075' post='2424187']
Thanks for the tips Haha, the Carmelite sisters came up as my second highest match on the Vocation Match website I do feel an interesting connection with them. For years I've been wearing a Carmelite Scapular Medal, and I only recently realised it had that importance. I also like their promotion of prayer.
[/quote]

That's interesting, because those sisters jumped into my head as soon I read your post. I didn't want to suggest specific communities, though, as I thought it might be too much info at once.

It may not mean anything. I am wary of turning things into signs, as everything in life can be read as a sign of God's love. But it certainly couldn't hurt to contact them.

[Annie12]

Have you looked into the Sister of Life? They are an active contemplative order and they pray 4 hours a day and community plays a huge role for them. They also have I think 1 day a week in silence and 1 Sunday a month in silence. They live their four vows to the fullest! (oh! did I mention they take a fourth vow to protect the sanctity of every human life!) Definitely worth looking into!

Edited April 28, 2012 by Annie12

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='beatitude' timestamp='1335619950' post='2424342']
That's interesting, because those sisters jumped into my head as soon I read your post. I didn't want to suggest specific communities, though, as I thought it might be too much info at once.

It may not mean anything. I am wary of turning things into signs, as everything in life can be read as a sign of God's love. But it certainly couldn't hurt to contact them.
[/quote]

Wow I did some more research on the Carmelites yesterday, and I feel a bit of an attraction there. But like you, I'm wary of turning this into something it may not be. I haven't researched a lot of orders yet, so I'm not sure if there's one I don't know of that will engage my interests and passion more. I will definitely check them out - at this point just to know more about them. And if it turns out that it's meant to be, then great! Thanks

[quote name='Annie12' timestamp='1335621415' post='2424343']
Have you looked into the Sister of Life? They are an active contemplative order and they pray 4 hours a day and community plays a huge role for them. They also have I think 1 day a week in silence and 1 Sunday a month in silence. They live their four vows to the fullest! (oh! did I mention they take a fourth vow to protect the sanctity of every human life!) Definitely worth looking into!
[/quote]

I have not. Thank you for the tip They sound really, really great - what a beautiful mission! The only real let down is that their order is not in my country. I don't mind entering an order in another country, but it's a bit difficult for me when I'm quite interested in going on retreats with the order or seeing the community first-hand.

But in the end, it's God's Will before mine. I need to listen to and follow it

[AnneLine]

Hi, Spem,

The other thing you can do is to contact those communities, let them know that you are interested in what they are doing/their lifestyle, charism, ministry, whatever, and ask if they know of any communities in Austrailia or closer to you that might be a good fit. Sometimes they have met a group (maybe at WYD) and might be able to give you some good leads....

Just a thought...