How Do You Deal With Parents When Discerning?

[Julie de Sales]

[quote name='LittleWaySoul' timestamp='1344575138' post='2465410']
This is slightly off topic, but I feel such peace knowing that others who are discerning struggle with pride and parents who misunderstand. When I first told my parents about my desire to discern religious life, they immediately assumed that it was just a "phase" and that I might change my mind. Now, I'm not sure they're wrong and I'm all confused. It's just, after being in love with Jesus, even after my "fire" has burned out a bit, how could I settle for any earthly man? But then again, that might be my pride coming out again. Also, I'm not sure I'm well-suited to motherhood, so there's that, but only God knows.

I'm also just really confused about my vocation, and my family is very, very Catholic, and when I bring up becoming a nun, my parents don't shut me down, exactly, but they just sort of look at me like "Oh, hm. She thinks she wants this but I'm sure it'll pass..." I mean, they could be right, but some part of me feels like their hesitance is a test of my true love for Christ. Does this make any sense?

Also, I'll be praying for you, Emma! Stay strong
[/quote]

Hi, I understand what you're passing through, because if my parents would try to discourage me from becoming a nun, I would also hesitate. On the other hand, I know that the fact that others do not belive in our vocation does not make it uncertain. As for the ,,fire" who burned out, this things happend also in marriage, but that does not mean that the couple has to break up. What counts is the will to serve God, not the feelings. Personally, I had moments when I was all excited about embracing religious life and I thought I loved God so much, but my actions were showing the contrary...So, my opinion is that you souldn't give to much importance to what other people think about your vocation, and follow Christ even if you don't always fell joy and enthusiasm... (hopefully I got you right).

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='LittleWaySoul' timestamp='1344575138' post='2465410']
This is slightly off topic, but I feel such peace knowing that others who are discerning struggle with pride and parents who misunderstand. When I first told my parents about my desire to discern religious life, they immediately assumed that it was just a "phase" and that I might change my mind. Now, I'm not sure they're wrong and I'm all confused. [b]It's just, after being in love with Jesus, even after my "fire" has burned out a bit, how could I settle for any earthly man? But then again, that might be my pride coming out again. Also, I'm not sure I'm well-suited to motherhood, so there's that, but only God knows.[/b]

I'm also just really confused about my vocation, and my family is very, very Catholic, and when I bring up becoming a nun, my parents don't shut me down, exactly, but they just sort of look at me like "Oh, hm. She thinks she wants this but I'm sure it'll pass..." I mean, they could be right, but some part of me feels like their hesitance is a test of my true love for Christ. Does this make any sense?

Also, I'll be praying for you, Emma! Stay strong
[/quote]

I struggled with the idea of motherhood, as well, because I don't work well with kids in a daycare setting, however, MANY people told me that changes if you have your own kids. I had to come to terms with marriage and motherhood as a possibility because I didn't want a fear of either to be a motivation for entering religious life. Mother Angelica once told someone that you have to be open to motherhood and marriage in religious life because it is a spiritual marriage to Jesus with spiritual children. If you don't have the desire for either, you won't succeed.

Parents are very used to ideas fading away. I know when I was a teen, I went through several trends and fads that I eventually grew out of. My mom, in the beginning, kept saying I was going to get married and have a family because it was what I'd always talked about. She really believed that I wouldn't become a Sister. Now, she says that religious life is one of two things that I've talked about the most in the past 5 years -- the other being my love for healthcare and the fact that I want to major in it. She is my biggest cheerleader now and always talks about how I should continue pursuing the desire to serve Jesus and His Church if it is His will.

[MissScripture]

[quote name='LittleWaySoul' timestamp='1344575138' post='2465410']
This is slightly off topic, but I feel such peace knowing that others who are discerning struggle with pride and parents who misunderstand. When I first told my parents about my desire to discern religious life, they immediately assumed that it was just a "phase" and that I might change my mind. Now, I'm not sure they're wrong and I'm all confused. It's just, after being in love with Jesus, even after my "fire" has burned out a bit, how could I settle for any earthly man? But then again, that might be my pride coming out again. Also, I'm not sure I'm well-suited to motherhood, so there's that, but only God knows.

I'm also just really confused about my vocation, and my family is very, very Catholic, and when I bring up becoming a nun, my parents don't shut me down, exactly, but they just sort of look at me like "Oh, hm. She thinks she wants this but I'm sure it'll pass..." I mean, they could be right, but some part of me feels like their hesitance is a test of my true love for Christ. Does this make any sense?

Also, I'll be praying for you, Emma! Stay strong
[/quote]
It could also be that they don't want to get too excited about it, in case you aren't called to become a nun, and they don't want to pressure you into it, or make you feel like you're disappointing them if you don't end up being a nun. It's a tough position for them to be in, particularly if you are from a very, very Catholic family. They could very well love the idea of having a nun in the family, but not want to impose that upon you, if it's not God's will for you. It may be different as you get further along in your discernment and you are more certain that this is what you're called to. I hope you don't mind me giving a different perspective on why they might be acting how they are.

[LittleWaySoul]

Thanks for all the advice, guys! It was really helpful

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1344583596' post='2465426']
I struggled with the idea of motherhood, as well, because I don't work well with kids in a daycare setting, however, MANY people told me that changes if you have your own kids. I had to come to terms with marriage and motherhood as a possibility because I didn't want a fear of either to be a motivation for entering religious life. Mother Angelica once told someone that you have to be open to motherhood and marriage in religious life because it is a spiritual marriage to Jesus with spiritual children. If you don't have the desire for either, you won't succeed.
[/quote]
I'm sorry! What I meant by "I don't think I'm meant to be a mother," was more like, "I think I'm better suited to be a spiritual mother." Like, I LOVE children, and I consider myself to be fairly good with them. I'd love to have children of my own My thing is, I can see myself better as becoming a nun than a literal mother, you know what I mean? I'm basically in the position where whatever God chooses for me will be the best choice, and I'll be very happy with it, but at the moment, I feel like that's religious life.

[Antigonos]

You know, it doesn't have to do with your vocation. There are parents who can let go, and there are parents who can't. There are kids to have to be restrained from parachuting before they are ready, and there are children who almost literally have to be kicked out of the nest.

I spent three years in a nursing school in a different city 4 hours travel away from my parents. Once a month, I'd go for a weekend. They just assumed I'd move back "home" when I graduated; I'm an only child, and they had me late in life, had a difficult marriage and quite simply had built their mutual life around me [when in fact they actually had a very strong, if neurotic, relationship to one another].

It never occurred to me not to rent my own apartment and work in the city, indeed, the same hospital where I'd trained. I was 22, after all. The pressure was intense, and they laid a lot of guilt on me: "You don't care about us" and so on. Fortunately, I had counselling to "cut the silver umbilical cord", but it was a very long time before they could accept me as an adult. Eventually, we all became friends but there was a residue. When I married, at age 31, guests at my wedding told my mother, "You're so brave, letting A go to live in Israel", as if there was anything my parents could have done about it then, and my mother sniffled a bit and mumbled something about me "always wanting my own way" [!! as if she didn't!]

So don't let it get to you. Entering a convent is a somewhat more extreme separation from parents than moving to another country, but at some point in your life -- and theirs -- the gosling leaves the nest, and both you, and they, have to adjust to it.

It's just possible that your father is coming face to face with the reality that "his" little girl is growing up, and is finding it rather stressful. [A lot of fathers have a tough time when their daughters begin to date, btw]

[emmaberry]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I didn't realize how much I depended on the prayers and support of the pham until a sort of crisis came up in my own life, so thank you for all your support.

You know, Antigonos, I think you are correct. The issue my dad and I had has very little directly to do with my vocation, but I think it may have a lot to do with it indirectly. This past year, my dad has been really cold towards me. I am the oldest of my siblings by a decade, so I always had a special place with my parents. I am definitely a Mom's girl, but my dad and I bonded over intellectual stuff: academics, the news, career aspirations, politics, and so on. I really feel that since I have been discerning, my dad just doesn't like me anymore. But, like Marta says in The Nun...I have so much joy from this vocation and this new life that I have found in God, "so let it cost me something", even if that something is one of my parent's affection and approval.

I don't know what my dad's real issue is: whether it is me leaving the nest (I already went off to college), or him feeling like I look down on him, or him just feeling like he can't (or doesn't want to) relate to me anymore.

He once called me the church police....I think he may feel threatened or less than because of my vocation. He focuses a lot on vacations, money, and his career, and I think it really bothers him that I am doing something with my life that utterly renounces all that stuff that he spends all his time talking about. I think he feels restricted in his own house in what he says and does when I am around; he acts as if I am already in the habit (the same way most people watch their language/actions around a sister.) He won't talk to me about this, and if he did, it would get ugly. We interact very little, mainly because he acts like I just came back from prison, and on my part I approach him rarely because the smallest thing that I do will set him off. Last night, it was me saying, "I don't know how to get around on the metro." This is definitely a fault for me, because if I were holier, I would just talk to him all the time and not care if he hurt my feelings. I wish I could be more like Christ and give out love unconditionally, and keep giving to those who hurt you..there is definitely some underlying pride there on my part. Also, I probably shouldn't be running to vs for support, but with vacation and its chaos I am having trouble finding time for deep prayer...I need that deep silent prayer to work through this pain in my relationship with my dad, not the prayer that runs through my mind when I'm in the market or hailing a cab.

I have told my mom that my dad doesn't seem to like me anymore. To that, she just shrugged it off and said, "Your dad is a control freak, and he can't control this, so this is his way of silently protesting." She knows it is not right, but won't say anything because in her mind, I am leaving in a few months and she is going to be with him for at least a couple more decades.

But, like I said, it is hard to complain when some kids are literally disowned for their Catholic faith or vocation. Anyone discerning here that has issues with pride or any parental issues needs to remember that if there are no obstacles, it is hardly a vocation at all. Issues with parents are a great way to strive for holiness, although it is hard because, when parents hurt us, it cuts deep, because they are so close to us. Many saints excelled in virtue just by being Christ-like with a difficult parent(s). One thing that is SO difficult for mw is forgiving my dad even though he never apologizes....this is why it is so important to attend Mass and read religious material, because it constantly puts the standard of Christ in front of you. Right before 'the fight,' I was thinking about St Francis and how he forgave his dad after he kicked him out and disowned him, even though he didn't say sorry. I am still struggling with forgiveness, but the Saints are an excellent reminder that self justification, whether deserved or not, has very little to do with the Gospel.

Please pray for me, and I am praying for you all. Thanks.

Edited August 10, 2012 by emmaberry

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='emmaberry' timestamp='1344627333' post='2465673']
But, like I said, it is hard to complain when some kids are literally disowned for their Catholic faith or vocation. Anyone discerning here that has issues with pride or any parental issues needs to remember that if there are no obstacles, it is hardly a vocation at all. Issues with parents are a great way to strive for holiness, although it is hard because, when parents hurt us, it cuts deep, because they are so close to us. Many saints excelled in virtue just by being Christ-like with a difficult parent(s). One thing that is SO difficult for mw is forgiving my dad even though he never apologizes....this is why it is so important to attend Mass and read religious material, because it constantly puts the standard of Christ in front of you. Right before 'the fight,' I was thinking about St Francis and how he forgave his dad after he kicked him out and disowned him, even though he didn't say sorry. I am still struggling with forgiveness, but the Saints are an excellent reminder that self justification, whether deserved or not, has very little to do with the Gospel.

Please pray for me, and I am praying for you all. Thanks.
[/quote]

Also, it's important to remember how hard it is for parents to comprehend vocations if they've never discerned religious life or the priesthood themselves. Marriage has always been the norm and my mom never once considered religious life. My dad didn't even know what a vocation was because he was raised in a Southern Baptist household. RCIA never taught him about it, either, so he was ignorant of discernment.

You have to give them time for them to come to you. Be open about talking without judging or criticizing. There, for a while, my mom didn't want me to talk about religious life because she'd get upset and confused. I just respected her wishes but also left the door open to conversation if she ever had any questions that she needed answering. If I didn't know the answers, I'd find them and get back to her. Slowly, she started to come around when I started visiting communities and getting serious about discernment because she saw that it was a definite possibility. Now, she couldn't be happier about my discernment and is very supportive. I know she will have a hard time adjusting when I leave because we have become really close, but she doesn't want to hold me back.

Edited August 10, 2012 by MaterMisericordiae