Feeling Guilty

[EmilyAnn]

I have this friend I met when I was in high school, we've been friends since we were about 17 (we're both now 21, so a few years). The more I try and grapple with the way I feel the more confused I am. I'm not in love with him the way I once was but I care about him in a way I don't feel for anyone else. I've never loved anyone the way I love him. Is that sad, the only love of my life and it's unrequited? I care about him so much. As much as I wish it wasn't true, I love him. It's so stupid and so pathetic, that I still love him after so long. I wish I didn't, I really do, but somehow I can't. I've tried so hard to not love him but it just doesn't seem to happen. It's so frustrating because it was a nothing - we never had a relationship, we are just two people who went to high school together and became friends.

I feel so guilty for loving him so much. Is that stupid? I feel like on some level it's holding me back - I feel this calling to religious life and I want to follow it. I'm discerning, I'm trying to follow it. But I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not giving as much to Christ as I can because I love someone else. I want to give everything to Christ and I'm trying so hard, I'm doing everything I can to try and follow His calling. But it's like He is calling me to be His bride and I'm saying yes, all the while having that tiny longing for someone else. Even if I'm choosing Him, that tiny longing feels like I'm rejecting Christ, like I'm not truly giving myself to Him. Someone reminded me that God's love is so great and that just makes me feel worse, that He loves me so much but there's something blocking me. Am I stupid for feeling like this is such a big deal? Does my giving everything to God count if I love this friend that much?

I apologise for this being long and rambling. I'm just confused.

[cappie]

I can identify with your dilemma I think. I had a similar experience albeit a long time ago.

We all need to grow in love and compassion, but it can leave all of us vulnerable in a way we are unprepared to deal with. Convictions are fine, I think, but life just becomes more complicated. A good, painful kind of complicated.

What I had realized was that the strength that had sustained my convictions for so long, that was such a reliable stabilizer, was not so much drawn from a passionate, consuming love for God and my neighbors as it was from a self-righteous stigma and fear.

That person,that beautiful, hilarious, genuine, loving, passionate, Christian person, exposed the untenable basis for my convictions simply by being. That persons hollow-point presence ripped through my previously bullet-proof pretensions and sent me reeling. Praise God for them. I never would have realized my sin unless this had befriended me.

The barriers I had erected were not so much protecting me from struggles as they were preventing me from loving others fully. The walls had to come down. I felt clearly that God was telling me, “Have your convictions, but if they are grounded in anything but the radical power of my Gospel and the desire to love as I love then they will never be holy. This will hurt, at least for a while, but know that I love you too much to let you love others so poorly.”

The barriers I had erected were not so much protecting me from struggles as they were preventing me from loving others fully. The walls had to come down. I felt clearly that God was telling me, “Have your convictions, but if they are grounded in anything but the radical power of my Gospel and the desire to love as I love then they will never be holy. This will hurt, at least for a while, but know that I love you too much to let you love others so poorly.”

This was how I would move forward. The desperate cries of “Make me stronger, let me know that I’m right!” turned into a whispered plea, “God, teach me to love as you are love.”

I decided to pursue my vocation and to learn from the others in the process, to patiently work through the rigor mortis of dying sins and live into the new flesh that was offered to me by the man who loved at the greatest cost to himself. I felt weak, I felt exposed, I felt inadequate, and I felt so, so free.

And 36 years later here I am

Edited June 26, 2012 by cappie

[mantellata]

Feelings are just that - feelings. We don't exactly have control over them (chemical reactions that they are) -- and even after entering religious life they still spring up on us and take us by surprise. The thing to remember is that love - real love - rests in the will. St. Thomas Aquinas would say that to love another is to will / wish your neighbor good. (And the highest good!) You say you want to give everything to Christ -- and that this "feeling" is holding you back. The question is not - what is the feeling - but rather - is the feeling preventing you from say, doing the morally right thing? Struggling against temptation? Going to Mass?

St. Catherine of Siena was plagued with feelings (impure no less) for days on end that were so strong, she felt as if there was no way our Lord could even look at her. At the end of her temptations she asked Christ where He was during her awful trial. His reply was that he was in her heart. St. Catherine was dumbfounded -- how could the most pure One dwell in a heart that was inundated with so much filth? Christ asked her if she ever succumbed to any of the temptations - if she had taken delight in any of the impure suggestions. She replied that no - she was horrified by them. Christ smiled and said "and who do you think gave you the strength to fight?"

Now of course you aren't talking about a sinful passion - just an intense caring for this other individual. But I guess what I was hoping to illustrate by the above story was that intense feelings are not the best indicator objective reality where our will is concerned. You sense that you have a vocation - you are trying with all your might to discern your vocation. You can't shake your feelings for this guy. Concentrating on the weakness you feel in the face of these "feelings" probably makes them more intense and harder to refocus your prayer. Why not just take it to the Lord (who has tremendous big shoulders and wants to strengthen you through all this) and say "well Lord, there I go again. I seem to have an undying crush on this guy. What I'd [u]really[/u] like is not to be so smitten with him and a little more passionate about [u]You![/u] And if you feel that this trial is beneficial to strengthening my will to give myself to You more completely -- I submit, but also beg that you not try me more than I'm able - that you fight from within me, love within me, direct my will sweetly from within me -- or I'll fail. I trust in You."

[maximillion]

I would agree with other posters, but I would also say this.

How would you know the possible depth and significance of your sacrifice of human attachment and love if you had never known it?
While guarding against the occasion and temptation of sin, how would it be to love this guy IN CHRIST, the fullest most redeeming love there is?
Can we not open our hearts to another human being, whilst remaining faithful to what we know of His will for us? I think we can, and I think you can too.
In addition, you engaged in a process, that process is opening more fully to Him, being willing to become ever more His, it is not a one off that happens fully on the day we start discerning.
What can you learn of love for Christ in this human attachment, what can you learn of letting go, and what can you understand of being fully open hearted yet still His?

Prayers. And don't be hard on yourself!

[Strictlyinkblot]

Prayers! I know exactly how you feel, honest. The same thing happened to me a few years ago. I've let the guy go but I still catch myself thinking about him from time to time. If I feel myself getting angry about him or just missing him I just say 'God, please help me. Bless and protect him. Now, help me to let him go.'

Don't be hard on yourself, please.

[BarbTherese]

Good thread to my mind and much courage in EmilyAnn for the opening post. I am sure she is not alone in the experience and wondering how to negotiate it. And good advice already given to my mind.
I recall a book I have read (title and author forgotten - sorry!) written by a journalist who was researching for a book about nuns who stay (rather than leave). She asked one nun if she ever had sexual type feelings :

The nun replied similar to (can't recall reply verbatum) - Oh yes, I can. And then I remember to thank God that I am still a woman.

As another poster pointed out, feelings are only feelings and at times we can have little or no control over them. Feelings are not sinful, they are have no morality and simply are. It is what we do with our feelings that introduces morality i.e. right and wrong. I call my feelings "windmills" - they will shift and change with the slightest breeze. I can really like a person for example and then they make a passing comment that I take as hurtful, and find I dont like her so much any more. But "like" is not love and "liking"/"not liking" is a feeling and as another poster pointed out, Love is in the will, it is a decision.

Prayers, EmilyAnn - you are trying to sort out your feelings. No cause for any guilt at all, while I can understand your confusion and where you are coming from, going through, and your goal.

Good comment by mantella: "The question is not - what is the feeling - but rather - is the feeling preventing you from say, doing the morally right thing? Struggling against temptation? Going to Mass?"

Edited June 26, 2012 by BarbaraTherese

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='BarbaraTherese' timestamp='1340698894' post='2448986']
much courage in EmilyAnn for the opening post.
[/quote]

I was thinking much the same thing

EmilyAnn, I can see that much wonderful advice has been given, and I offer you my prayers in your difficulty.
Remember that you are not alone in what you are experiencing. There will always be someone somewhere who will understand you and listen - even if the only means of contacting them is via an online forum The most incredible listeners are God, Christ, Mary and all the Saints. Even if you can't hear them answering you, trust that they are watching over and guiding your life and relationships. Use the lives of saints such as Catherine of Siena as an example for your own. And ultimately, trust that things will appear much clearer in time. May God bless you.

[Gemma]

Hurricane.

What do we do here when there's a hurricane?

We stay indoors with our food and our occupations. Goodwill and the Salvation Army usually do a booming business because ppl are cleaning out their closets this time of year.

Watch your personal calendar--if you know what I mean--and see if these temptations coincide with a particular part of your cycle. This is more than likely what happened with the female saints when they said they were viciously arseaulted by sexual temptations. I see it as, "Thank God I'm functioning correctly," then get on with life. As Our Lord said, if your eye is your problem, pluck it out. He doesn't mean that literally. He just means if watching TV is an occasion of sin for you because of three-quarter male nakedness, turn off the TV.

Ask Our Lord just what it is that you're supposed to learn by going through all this. Everything happens for a reason, and there's no such thing as coincidence. Hand this young man over to Our Lady--entrust him to her Immaculate Heart, and ask her to keep him pure.

Then follow Jesus into the convent, and try your hand at religious life. Marriage doesn't have a novitiate.

HTH

Blessings,
Gemma

Edited June 26, 2012 by Gemma

[Gemma]

The editor won't let me change my typo to "assaulted."

Blessings,
Gemma

[Blessed&Grateful]

Often times love is confused for other feelings/emotions. Don't get me wrong I am not belittling or negating that you may actually love this person.

I once had very strong feelings for someone similar to what you've described. It took me years to get over it. In hind-sight I realize I was never really in love; just desperate to be emotionally bonded with someone.

Prayers.

[Maggyie]

I think Emily Ann is talking more about the emotional experience of loving someone special vs. sexual feelings. Unless I am reading you wrong EA?

It's actually not wrong at all that you love your friend. The way that you feel about your friend is probably close to the way God feels about each of us.

Where you might run into trouble is in its exclusivity - "I care about him in a way I don't feel for anyone else." I once had it explained to me that one primary difference between marriage and religious life was that married people were called to love everyone, but to love certain people with a special preference - their spouses, their children. The sacrament of matrimony binds two people together in a special type of love which excludes all others. It is limited to two people.

Whereas religious are called to love everyone in the same way, with the same devotion. That is why sometimes in religious life there are warnings against special friendships. I think that rule can be applied much too strictly, but it is true that religious are meant to love as close to possible as God loves - universally and without exclusion. That's one way in which consecrated life as the higher vocation more closely mirrors the Kingdom of God.

So from my point of view your task, if you are believe you are called to religious life, is not to stop loving your friend but to put great effort into expanding the circle of your love.

Don't be guilty about the love that you feel, if it is pure God is pleased by that! I think a lot of problems in communities are caused when religious try to exterminate the feelings in their hearts as "inappropriate." God placed that love in your heart for a reason, if you try to stifle it imagine how numb you'd feel after awhile. Instead try to build on that, and grow it to include more than 1 person.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

Going through a similar situation. I hear ya.

[EmilyAnn]

[quote name='Maggie' timestamp='1340753254' post='2449232']
I think Emily Ann is talking more about the emotional experience of loving someone special vs. sexual feelings. Unless I am reading you wrong EA?
[/quote]

You are reading me completely right. It's not a sexual thing or a lust thing at all, it's an emotional thing.

Thanks for all your help guys. I feel kind of better about it that I did yesterday but I still feel like my heart is being torn in two. I love this guy so much. If I could do anything in this world to guarantee he would be happy, even if I weren't in that picture, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I love [i]Him[/i] so much as well. It feels like an emotional infidelity and that's what makes me feel so guilty.

It's doubly frustrating because I've tried so hard to get over this. We were talking earlier and we've been friends since we were 17 - over 4 years now. And I've loved him for pretty much all that time. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't go away. How stupid is that? It's like my brain keeps saying this is dumb, stop it but my heart won't listen.

[BarbTherese]

While I am hoping, since you are feeling a bit better, that with prayerfully thinking things through and giving it time you will resolve your conflict. A spiritual director really could help you. Talk it all out with a spiritual director. I dont know what happens wherever you are in our world, but a phone call to your diocesan offices might be able to help re a SD - failing that, your parish priest, or contact religious orders of priests, brothers, nuns who sometimes do undertake spiritual direction and if they don't they can probably give you contact points.
It isn't emotional infedility to my mind. We are called to love all and parseionately if God grants The Grace and this is both an 'agony and an ecstasy', as it were. The Love of God for all of us is a Pas sionate Love. (I dont mean sexual pas sion at any point, of course).
Making the decision to enter religious life might take all kinds of sacrfices. St Teresa of Avila stated that when she entered religious life, she felt as if her heart was being torn out of her to leave her family and particularly her father, I think it may have been. Very often decisions in life, especially major ones, means that we embrace what we decide - as our heart feels as if it is being torn out of us to give up what we need to give up take up our decision. It is a conflict situation, an emotional conflict and sometimes to resolve these conflicts takes spiritual direction and not achieved in one appointment short of a miracle.
I watched a TV program recently about two young women entering religious life. One of them was a complete mess emotionally the night before she entered (couldn't stop crying as she packed) because of all that she was leaving that she pas sion ately loved, especially her friends. And she had to leave it all in order to enter contemplative life.

A priest once asked me what I would do if I fell in love having made private vows. I told him it would be a dreadful conflict and I hope I would never have to resolve it. God is Love and it is a great gift to fall in true love with a great (and really good) guy who also loves you. You probably haven't fallen in love, although I dont really know. Spiritual direction.
And all that is not so hard at all to write - to experience it is entirely different and overwhelmingly painful I know. Spiritual direction to resolve your conflict.

Keeping you in prayer.

I think our board is having fun and games again! I can't change parseionately to pas sion ately. Altho I think I have it beat by adding a few spaces

Edited June 27, 2012 by BarbaraTherese

[Gemma]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1340755859' post='2449253']
You are reading me completely right. It's not a sexual thing or a lust thing at all, it's an emotional thing.

Thanks for all your help guys. I feel kind of better about it that I did yesterday but I still feel like my heart is being torn in two. I love this guy so much. If I could do anything in this world to guarantee he would be happy, even if I weren't in that picture, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I love [i]Him[/i] so much as well. It feels like an emotional infidelity and that's what makes me feel so guilty.

It's doubly frustrating because I've tried so hard to get over this. We were talking earlier and we've been friends since we were 17 - over 4 years now. And I've loved him for pretty much all that time. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't go away. How stupid is that? It's like my brain keeps saying this is dumb, stop it but my heart won't listen.
[/quote]

Keep on your path to the convent, though. If you don't, and this guy does have reciprocal feelings for you, you'll go to your dying days wondering what St. Cecilia's was like. Right now, pray for him and his intentions like there's no tomorrow. This isn't an emotional infidelity, per se, but He may be testing your resolve to follow Him. This is a great opportunity to learn more about yourself!

Blessings,
Gemma