Feeling Guilty

[beatitude]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1340755859' post='2449253']
You are reading me completely right. It's not a sexual thing or a lust thing at all, it's an emotional thing.

Thanks for all your help guys. I feel kind of better about it that I did yesterday but I still feel like my heart is being torn in two. I love this guy so much. If I could do anything in this world to guarantee he would be happy, even if I weren't in that picture, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I love [i]Him[/i] so much as well. It feels like an emotional infidelity and that's what makes me feel so guilty.[/quote]

Human beings love. The risk doesn't go away even when you've taken final vows and you've been living in that monastery for fifty years, because you'll still be a woman at the end of it. There is no need to feel guilty over this, because God gave you the capacity to feel this way about other humans. Try thanking Him for it. You may find peace in that.

When I was in my late teens/early twenties, I had an embarrarseingly huge crush on a close male friend. (I wince to think about it now.) I did love him, but it was a very clumsy adolescent sort of love - the type that seems so grand and all-consuming at the time, but that makes you cringe a bit in retrospect. In hindsight, I see it as a lovely part of my growing up and maturing, but that's all. We're still good friends now, but in a platonic way. It may be that this is how it will be for you.

[EmilyAnn]

I haven't spoken to him today, which is probably a good thing. We kind of go through waves, since we're on such different time zones with our respective university work and all it's often the case that one of us is busy so we don't get to talk for a while.

BarbaraTherese: I have actually been thinking getting some sort of spiritual direction may be a good idea. It's not as common in the UK as it seems to be in US but I've been putting off making a phone call to the vocations promoter for the diocese for ages even though I know I should. Maybe tomorrow!

Gemma: You are very right, I have to at least try religious life. I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't. The really dumb thing though is this guy has never (to the best of my knowledge at least) had reciprocal feelings. Plus he lives on the other side of the planet now.

beatitude: I really hope that is how it will be fore me too, because he is a wonderful friend and I would hate to lose him from my life.

[Strictlyinkblot]

Prayers. I hope things get easier. I think in some ways love is harder to deal with then lust. Do you think things might be harder for you at the moment because you're about to have your live-in?

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

A guy came into my life recently. Gentleman, holy, prayerful, funny, he laughs as loud as I do, he's good with kids, he would make a great father, his family loves me, he's respectful, and I've never met someone like him. I would pursue him (I think), and he would pursue me (I think...), but I am in discernment, and after a long talk with my SD today, he told me I need to let God take the reigns because my vocation doesn't "belong to me", it belongs to God. And these are normal things going on with us. These attractions, and my SD told me that sometimes our humanity can help us prepare for the religious life (the want of motherhood and things like that, because we don't loose that). At this point, I am leaving it in God's Hands. I really like this guy. But it's all what God wants.

[emmaberry]

[size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Prayers for you FutureCarmeliteClaire and EmilyAnn-what a rough spot in the vast field of discernment. The good news is that it seems as though you two are friends and going through the same sort of situation, so there is someone there who can relate with you. PM really is a wonderful place! I would pick up "Discerning the Will of God: An Ignatian Guide to Christian Decision Making" by Fr Timothy Gallagher. It has many examples and exercises that focus on discernment of a vocation in light of romantic feelings for someone else. Of course, many of the stories include reciprocated feelings, and I am not sure if that is the case here, but nonetheless it might help you feel renewed and confirmed in your vocation![/font][/size]

Edited June 28, 2012 by emmaberry

[Gemma]

The test of fidelity is how everyone reacts to anger and how one deals with their anger. Wormwood happens. Are you companionable in "war" as well as "peace?" How do you react to someone needing your arseistance in the middle of the night? Do you run your mouth with complaints, making the patient's life all the more miserable?

I am seeing a tremendous trend of many feeling called to religious life, trying it, then they end up getting married. The married state is under attack right now, and I can see the hand of God in the convent-to-covenant situation. Those who have tried religious life will know what it's like, and will be able to encourage vocations.

But, please, try the convent first!!!

Blessings,
Gemma

[EmilyAnn]

Yesterday I had to go into the city to do some shopping and I stopped by the cathedral to spend some time in prayer. I spent a lot of time in the chapel to Our Lady and I asked the Blessed Mother to take care of my friend and to look over him. And I felt a lot better. But then today I went to Marse, since today is a Holy Day of Obligation here. I got to church early to pray and I just couldn't hear God, I couldn't feel Him. I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt so lost and needed Him so much but it was like He wasn't listening to me. I was crying, I needed to hear Him but I just couldn't. Even when I've had spiritual difficulties before, I've always felt Him there just not close. Now it's like He's not there at all and it made me feel worse again because I feel like He's ignoring me because of all this and He's angry at me. I can't even feel Him calling me anymore, not to anything. I feel so abandoned.

[Discipulus]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1341008089' post='2450569']Now it's like He's not there at all and it made me feel worse again because I feel like He's ignoring me because of all this and He's angry at me. I can't even feel Him calling me anymore, not to anything. I feel so abandoned.[/quote]

Emily, I understand that you're feeling awful right now, and if it helps, I'm going through a dark night myself and am very confused about what God wants for me or wants of me. But we [i]cannot[/i] be abandoned by God because He is present in all of us - it's just that sometimes our unhappiness becomes so loud within us that it drowns out His voice, and we have to 'turn down' the unhappiness before we can hear Him again. And while some people may disagree, I don't believe that God is capable of anger; as Julian of Norwich says, if God could become angry, the first time He did so would result in all of creation being destroyed.

By the way, I haven't actually seen anything in what you've said about yourself in this thread that would necessitate anger even from another human being, let alone from the Father who is only love. This will parse. In the meantime it feels unbearable, but it will parse. When you find the silence in yourself once more, you'll hear your name being called again.

I'll pray for you; please pray for me, too.

[cmaD2006]

[quote name='emmaberry' timestamp='1340858696' post='2449834']
[size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Prayers for you FutureCarmeliteClaire and EmilyAnn-what a rough spot in the vast field of discernment. The good news is that it seems as though you two are friends and going through the same sort of situation, so there is someone there who can relate with you. PM really is a wonderful place! I would pick up "Discerning the Will of God: An Ignatian Guide to Christian Decision Making" by Fr Timothy Gallagher. It has many examples and exercises that focus on discernment of a vocation in light of romantic feelings for someone else. Of course, many of the stories include reciprocated feelings, and I am not sure if that is the case here, but nonetheless it might help you feel renewed and confirmed in your vocation![/font][/size]
[/quote]

Ditto on the book ... There is a cd series on the book too (same topic but from lectures, it is a bit more than the book). You can get it from the omv.com site or a link off of it. I am a Fr. Gallagher fan most definitely.

[VeniJesuAmorMi]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1341008089' post='2450569']
Yesterday I had to go into the city to do some shopping and I stopped by the cathedral to spend some time in prayer. I spent a lot of time in the chapel to Our Lady and I asked the Blessed Mother to take care of my friend and to look over him. And I felt a lot better. But then today I went to Marse, since today is a Holy Day of Obligation here. I got to church early to pray and I just couldn't hear God, I couldn't feel Him. I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt so lost and needed Him so much but it was like He wasn't listening to me. I was crying, I needed to hear Him but I just couldn't. Even when I've had spiritual difficulties before, I've always felt Him there just not close. Now it's like He's not there at all and it made me feel worse again because I feel like He's ignoring me because of all this and He's angry at me. I can't even feel Him calling me anymore, not to anything. I feel so abandoned.
[/quote]


I'll pray that you remain faithful, and please pray for me also! You gave your friend to the care of Our Blessed Mother because you care very much for him, but you also don't want anyone to take Our Lord's place. You want to love Him above all else. He knows this in your heart and perhaps you not "feeling" Him within you and not feeling called anymore is an invitation to love Him even more, to show Him that through everything you still want to love Him and give yourself to Him. Though I don't have your situation, I have had this experience during this time of finding my place in religious life and I believe that for all those that are choosing to love Jesus above all else and to give themselves to Him are going to go through many trials and temptations. Through it all though He is asking for more of our love and faithfulness to Him. It will make us stronger and well prepared when He calls in His time.

"And whereas indeed He was the Son of God, He learned obedience by the things which He suffered." Hebrews 5:8

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1341008089' post='2450569']
Yesterday I had to go into the city to do some shopping and I stopped by the cathedral to spend some time in prayer. I spent a lot of time in the chapel to Our Lady and I asked the Blessed Mother to take care of my friend and to look over him. And I felt a lot better. But then today I went to Marse, since today is a Holy Day of Obligation here. I got to church early to pray and I just couldn't hear God, I couldn't feel Him. I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt so lost and needed Him so much but it was like He wasn't listening to me. I was crying, I needed to hear Him but I just couldn't. Even when I've had spiritual difficulties before, I've always felt Him there just not close. Now it's like He's not there at all and it made me feel worse again because I feel like He's ignoring me because of all this and He's angry at me. I can't even feel Him calling me anymore, not to anything. I feel so abandoned.
[/quote]
I totally understand. Completely. Look up my thread, "Dark Night?", I had the same thing. Sometimes still do, and I know we all have at one point or another. Keep moving through the fog, and even though you can't feel Him, He's there. He's holding you, I know that. I'm here for you if you need anything.

[emmaberry]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1341008089' post='2450569']
Yesterday I had to go into the city to do some shopping and I stopped by the cathedral to spend some time in prayer. I spent a lot of time in the chapel to Our Lady and I asked the Blessed Mother to take care of my friend and to look over him. And I felt a lot better. But then today I went to Marse, since today is a Holy Day of Obligation here. I got to church early to pray and I just couldn't hear God, I couldn't feel Him. I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt so lost and needed Him so much but it was like He wasn't listening to me. I was crying, I needed to hear Him but I just couldn't. Even when I've had spiritual difficulties before, I've always felt Him there just not close. Now it's like He's not there at all and it made me feel worse again because I feel like He's ignoring me because of all this and He's angry at me. I can't even feel Him calling me anymore, not to anything. I feel so abandoned.
[/quote]

This sounds completely generic and obvious to my ears, but maybe try reading The Dark Night by St John of the Cross. I know it's so hard, and that is why I didn't immediately respond to your post. Most of us have been through this, and (at least) for me I was hesitant to reply because there is almost nothing we can say that will alleviate the pain you feel at God's hiding. His 'absence' can't be filled by our words here...Regardless, know that He is NOT angry at you, and the saints can testify to the fact that God hides Himself from those He loves to increase and perfect their faith. I have heard it said that we all have false notions of God, but the more intimately we encounter Him, the more He wants us to know His true Self, so He hides Himself so we might grow to know Him more truly and profoundly in the end.

Praying for you....and Dark Nights don't last forever. There is a light at the end of your tunnel!

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1341008089' post='2450569']
Yesterday I had to go into the city to do some shopping and I stopped by the cathedral to spend some time in prayer. I spent a lot of time in the chapel to Our Lady and I asked the Blessed Mother to take care of my friend and to look over him. And I felt a lot better. But then today I went to Marse, since today is a Holy Day of Obligation here. I got to church early to pray and I just couldn't hear God, I couldn't feel Him. I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt so lost and needed Him so much but it was like He wasn't listening to me. I was crying, I needed to hear Him but I just couldn't. Even when I've had spiritual difficulties before, I've always felt Him there just not close. Now it's like He's not there at all and it made me feel worse again because I feel like He's ignoring me because of all this and He's angry at me. I can't even feel Him calling me anymore, not to anything. I feel so abandoned.
[/quote]

It's tough to feel these things. I can relate to what you've described, as I'm currently going through something similar. You & your friend will be in my prayers.

Remember that God never abandons us - even in the times when He feels most absent. He is always there, calling for us to seek Him.

When I find myself feeling abandoned or alone, I try to remind myself of that famous poem, Footprints in the Sand. It's one I've kept with me for many years.

[i][color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]other times there was one only. [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]when I was suffering from anguish, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]sorrow or defeat, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]I could see only one set of footprints, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]so I said to the Lord, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]“You promised me Lord, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]that if I followed you, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]you would walk with me always. [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”[/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]The Lord replied, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]my child, is when I carried you.”[/size][/font][/color][/i]

Even when things seem hopeless and you feel most abandoned, you are never truly alone. May God always bless you.

Edited July 1, 2012 by Spem in alium