Feeling Guilty

[Gemma]

The test of fidelity is how everyone reacts to anger and how one deals with their anger. Wormwood happens. Are you companionable in "war" as well as "peace?" How do you react to someone needing your arseistance in the middle of the night? Do you run your mouth with complaints, making the patient's life all the more miserable?

I am seeing a tremendous trend of many feeling called to religious life, trying it, then they end up getting married. The married state is under attack right now, and I can see the hand of God in the convent-to-covenant situation. Those who have tried religious life will know what it's like, and will be able to encourage vocations.

But, please, try the convent first!!!

Blessings,
Gemma

[EmilyAnn]

Yesterday I had to go into the city to do some shopping and I stopped by the cathedral to spend some time in prayer. I spent a lot of time in the chapel to Our Lady and I asked the Blessed Mother to take care of my friend and to look over him. And I felt a lot better. But then today I went to Marse, since today is a Holy Day of Obligation here. I got to church early to pray and I just couldn't hear God, I couldn't feel Him. I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt so lost and needed Him so much but it was like He wasn't listening to me. I was crying, I needed to hear Him but I just couldn't. Even when I've had spiritual difficulties before, I've always felt Him there just not close. Now it's like He's not there at all and it made me feel worse again because I feel like He's ignoring me because of all this and He's angry at me. I can't even feel Him calling me anymore, not to anything. I feel so abandoned.

[Discipulus]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1341008089' post='2450569']Now it's like He's not there at all and it made me feel worse again because I feel like He's ignoring me because of all this and He's angry at me. I can't even feel Him calling me anymore, not to anything. I feel so abandoned.[/quote]

Emily, I understand that you're feeling awful right now, and if it helps, I'm going through a dark night myself and am very confused about what God wants for me or wants of me. But we [i]cannot[/i] be abandoned by God because He is present in all of us - it's just that sometimes our unhappiness becomes so loud within us that it drowns out His voice, and we have to 'turn down' the unhappiness before we can hear Him again. And while some people may disagree, I don't believe that God is capable of anger; as Julian of Norwich says, if God could become angry, the first time He did so would result in all of creation being destroyed.

By the way, I haven't actually seen anything in what you've said about yourself in this thread that would necessitate anger even from another human being, let alone from the Father who is only love. This will parse. In the meantime it feels unbearable, but it will parse. When you find the silence in yourself once more, you'll hear your name being called again.

I'll pray for you; please pray for me, too.

[cmaD2006]

[quote name='emmaberry' timestamp='1340858696' post='2449834']
[size=4][font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Prayers for you FutureCarmeliteClaire and EmilyAnn-what a rough spot in the vast field of discernment. The good news is that it seems as though you two are friends and going through the same sort of situation, so there is someone there who can relate with you. PM really is a wonderful place! I would pick up "Discerning the Will of God: An Ignatian Guide to Christian Decision Making" by Fr Timothy Gallagher. It has many examples and exercises that focus on discernment of a vocation in light of romantic feelings for someone else. Of course, many of the stories include reciprocated feelings, and I am not sure if that is the case here, but nonetheless it might help you feel renewed and confirmed in your vocation![/font][/size]
[/quote]

Ditto on the book ... There is a cd series on the book too (same topic but from lectures, it is a bit more than the book). You can get it from the omv.com site or a link off of it. I am a Fr. Gallagher fan most definitely.

[VeniJesuAmorMi]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1341008089' post='2450569']
Yesterday I had to go into the city to do some shopping and I stopped by the cathedral to spend some time in prayer. I spent a lot of time in the chapel to Our Lady and I asked the Blessed Mother to take care of my friend and to look over him. And I felt a lot better. But then today I went to Marse, since today is a Holy Day of Obligation here. I got to church early to pray and I just couldn't hear God, I couldn't feel Him. I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt so lost and needed Him so much but it was like He wasn't listening to me. I was crying, I needed to hear Him but I just couldn't. Even when I've had spiritual difficulties before, I've always felt Him there just not close. Now it's like He's not there at all and it made me feel worse again because I feel like He's ignoring me because of all this and He's angry at me. I can't even feel Him calling me anymore, not to anything. I feel so abandoned.
[/quote]


I'll pray that you remain faithful, and please pray for me also! You gave your friend to the care of Our Blessed Mother because you care very much for him, but you also don't want anyone to take Our Lord's place. You want to love Him above all else. He knows this in your heart and perhaps you not "feeling" Him within you and not feeling called anymore is an invitation to love Him even more, to show Him that through everything you still want to love Him and give yourself to Him. Though I don't have your situation, I have had this experience during this time of finding my place in religious life and I believe that for all those that are choosing to love Jesus above all else and to give themselves to Him are going to go through many trials and temptations. Through it all though He is asking for more of our love and faithfulness to Him. It will make us stronger and well prepared when He calls in His time.

"And whereas indeed He was the Son of God, He learned obedience by the things which He suffered." Hebrews 5:8

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1341008089' post='2450569']
Yesterday I had to go into the city to do some shopping and I stopped by the cathedral to spend some time in prayer. I spent a lot of time in the chapel to Our Lady and I asked the Blessed Mother to take care of my friend and to look over him. And I felt a lot better. But then today I went to Marse, since today is a Holy Day of Obligation here. I got to church early to pray and I just couldn't hear God, I couldn't feel Him. I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt so lost and needed Him so much but it was like He wasn't listening to me. I was crying, I needed to hear Him but I just couldn't. Even when I've had spiritual difficulties before, I've always felt Him there just not close. Now it's like He's not there at all and it made me feel worse again because I feel like He's ignoring me because of all this and He's angry at me. I can't even feel Him calling me anymore, not to anything. I feel so abandoned.
[/quote]
I totally understand. Completely. Look up my thread, "Dark Night?", I had the same thing. Sometimes still do, and I know we all have at one point or another. Keep moving through the fog, and even though you can't feel Him, He's there. He's holding you, I know that. I'm here for you if you need anything.

[emmaberry]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1341008089' post='2450569']
Yesterday I had to go into the city to do some shopping and I stopped by the cathedral to spend some time in prayer. I spent a lot of time in the chapel to Our Lady and I asked the Blessed Mother to take care of my friend and to look over him. And I felt a lot better. But then today I went to Marse, since today is a Holy Day of Obligation here. I got to church early to pray and I just couldn't hear God, I couldn't feel Him. I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt so lost and needed Him so much but it was like He wasn't listening to me. I was crying, I needed to hear Him but I just couldn't. Even when I've had spiritual difficulties before, I've always felt Him there just not close. Now it's like He's not there at all and it made me feel worse again because I feel like He's ignoring me because of all this and He's angry at me. I can't even feel Him calling me anymore, not to anything. I feel so abandoned.
[/quote]

This sounds completely generic and obvious to my ears, but maybe try reading The Dark Night by St John of the Cross. I know it's so hard, and that is why I didn't immediately respond to your post. Most of us have been through this, and (at least) for me I was hesitant to reply because there is almost nothing we can say that will alleviate the pain you feel at God's hiding. His 'absence' can't be filled by our words here...Regardless, know that He is NOT angry at you, and the saints can testify to the fact that God hides Himself from those He loves to increase and perfect their faith. I have heard it said that we all have false notions of God, but the more intimately we encounter Him, the more He wants us to know His true Self, so He hides Himself so we might grow to know Him more truly and profoundly in the end.

Praying for you....and Dark Nights don't last forever. There is a light at the end of your tunnel!

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1341008089' post='2450569']
Yesterday I had to go into the city to do some shopping and I stopped by the cathedral to spend some time in prayer. I spent a lot of time in the chapel to Our Lady and I asked the Blessed Mother to take care of my friend and to look over him. And I felt a lot better. But then today I went to Marse, since today is a Holy Day of Obligation here. I got to church early to pray and I just couldn't hear God, I couldn't feel Him. I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt so lost and needed Him so much but it was like He wasn't listening to me. I was crying, I needed to hear Him but I just couldn't. Even when I've had spiritual difficulties before, I've always felt Him there just not close. Now it's like He's not there at all and it made me feel worse again because I feel like He's ignoring me because of all this and He's angry at me. I can't even feel Him calling me anymore, not to anything. I feel so abandoned.
[/quote]

It's tough to feel these things. I can relate to what you've described, as I'm currently going through something similar. You & your friend will be in my prayers.

Remember that God never abandons us - even in the times when He feels most absent. He is always there, calling for us to seek Him.

When I find myself feeling abandoned or alone, I try to remind myself of that famous poem, Footprints in the Sand. It's one I've kept with me for many years.

[i][color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]other times there was one only. [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]when I was suffering from anguish, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]sorrow or defeat, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]I could see only one set of footprints, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]so I said to the Lord, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]“You promised me Lord, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]that if I followed you, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]you would walk with me always. [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”[/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]The Lord replied, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, [/size][/font][/color]
[color=#4E3518][font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][size=3]my child, is when I carried you.”[/size][/font][/color][/i]

Even when things seem hopeless and you feel most abandoned, you are never truly alone. May God always bless you.

Edited July 1, 2012 by Spem in alium